-[DOORBELL RINGS] -I'll get it.
[CHATTERING]
Okay, this is why I have a strict rule against blind dates.
Um...
Mom?
Sam, is there something you forgot to tell me?
Uh, yeah.
Fredo's owners are going out of town and I told them we'd take care of him.
It must have slipped my mind.
You volunteered us to babysit a chimp and it slipped your mind?
-[SCOFFS] -But he's way cuter than Matt,
and I'm sure he has much better table manners.
Here's his stuff, Sam-a-lama. Thanks for looking out for him.
Sure thing. Good luck at that lumberjack competition.
Thanks, man. I hope we do better than last year.
Ow!
Okay, Fredo buddy.
Now, you're going to behave yourself, right?
[FREDO CHATTERS]
JEREMY: Ma'am. Thanks again, Sam.
Did you mention this to Matt?
Nah. Why?
Well, the last time Fredo was here,
he and Matt didn't exactly see eye to eye.
Oh, that's just a little misunderstanding.
I don't see any trouble.
[SCREAMING]
Oh, you're right, Dad, he should be fine.
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
[LAUGHING]
I wonder if Carrot Top is his real name.
-Right. -[GASPS]
Holy moly, who is that guy?
Wow!
Allow me to translate.
Wow!
Who is that guy?
He is obviously the Greek god who has come down to Earth
to teach social studies at our school.
LIZZIE: No, he cannot be a teacher here.
Our teachers here look like they came from a carnival sideshow.
Well, maybe he's a model posing for a magazine
and he got lost on the way to the photoshoot.
-Let's go give him directions. -[GASPS]
BOTH: Oh!
Locker face for Beth Nezznut.
Who is that guy?
[SIGHS]
My name is Keith.
Ewan Keith.
[GIRLS SIGHING]
I'll be filling in for Mrs. Stebel for several days.
What's wrong with Mrs. Stebel?
Who cares?
Zip it, Tudgeman.
Let the man talk.
Mrs. Stebel actually broke her collar bone parasailing in Cancún.
There. You happy?
Now, who can tell me...
Where we are in the textbook?
Uh, you.
Um, chapter...
-Um, chapter... -[SIGHS]
Okay, um...
-How about you? -[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Uh...
Fractions.
This is an English class.
-Right. English. -Huh.
Um, actually we were getting ready to begin, um, learning about poetry.
Thank you.
And you are?
Guire McLizzie. [GRUNTS]
Flitzwire Mc, Mc, Mc. Izzie McGizzie.
Um, Lizzie McGuire.
Hey, that came out right.
Well, we should all be grateful to Lizzie McGuire
for starting us on the long and winding road of poetry.
[CHUCKLES]
[GASPS]
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
And tripping over the starting line.
Before we're done, we'll all have our personal favorite poet.
Did you know, mine happens to be a Scotsman named Robert Burns
who said the fairest hours he ever spent
were spent among the ladies.
And this was well before the existence of Ms. Britney Spears.
[STUDENTS LAUGH]
Now, who here thinks that poetry is dull?
Oh, come on.
[CHUCKLES] Let's be completely honest.
Huh?
Right. Now who here actually knows any poems?
Beans, Beans, the Musical Fruit doesn't count.
The truth is, is that a lot of poetry is dull.
But a lot of poetry is about love and passion.
[GIRLS SIGHING]
And if you're a guy, it's how to get the women to fall for you.
[EXHALES] All right, I'm on board.
This guy's cool.
He's like a cross between Hugh Grant and James Bond.
And he has blue eyes you could just drown in.
MATT: All right, you don't like me and I don't like you.
But, we're stuck together for a few days
so here's how it's going to work.
You stay on your half of the house
and I'll stay on my half of the house.
Matt, you are not dividing the house.
Why can't you get along with this little guy?
Because he's a demon in a chimp form.
FREDO: Huh?
Son, you know, you could have a lot of fun with Fredo.
He could be like your little brother.
I guess if I can put up with Lizzie, I can put up with a chimp.
It might be fun having a little brother.
[FREDO CHATTERS]
I'm not getting one from you guys anytime soon, am I?
-Hey, how about this cute chimp? -Hey, there, Fredo.
[BABBLES] Ooh, yeah.
Come on, honey.
-All right. -See, he's sweet.
-JO: That's my kid. -SAM: Yeah, that's the boy.
So, did you read the poem last night?
Oh, yeah. Actually that Robert Burns guy wasn't that bad.
Yeah, we Scotsmen sure do know how to write.
Scotsmen? Gordo, you're Jewish.
Excuse me? Hey, Gordon's a Scottish name.
My great grandfather was from
[IN SCOTTISH ACCENT] a wee village in the Mull of Kintyre.
I'm one-eighth Scottish and I'm going with it.
Ah.
What? The brooding Scot routine works for Mr. Keith.
So I'm just going to break me off a piece of that and make
[IN SCOTTISH ACCENT] every fair lassie
troubled with a passion over me.
[NORMAL VOICE] I mean, something to make all the girls like me.
Oh, yeah. It's working already.
[GASPS] I feel a bit, um, faint.
[GASPS] Oh!
Lizzie, are you all right?
Have you been eating in the cafeteria?
No, I... I was just fooling around. [CHUCKLES]
Yeah, well, you take the high road, I'll take the low road,
but I'll be in math class [IN SCOTTISH ACCENT] afore you.
[CHUCKLES]
Um, so I... I had a question about our homework last night.
You know, the poem that you gave us?
Okay.
"But pleasures are like poppies spread,
"You seize the flower, its bloom is shed,
"Or like the snow falls in the river,
"A moment white, then melts forever."
Um, what does that mean?
Well, what do you think it means?
Um,
I think it means that fun doesn't last forever
so when it's over, you should get on with your life?
That's exactly right.
Oh, that stinks. [GRUNTS]
Talk about depressing.
That's very good, Lizzie.
You're... You're getting the deeper meaning of things.
-I like to see that in my students. -[CHUCKLES]
He likes me!
Ewan likes me. [SIGHS]
"Oh, my love is like a red, red rose that's newly sprung in June."
Drink up, Fredo.
I knew you'd like grape soda with chocolate syrup.
Hey, you wanna play baseball with me?
[CHATTERS]
Come on, let's go.
You can pitch.
"And the two chimps lived happily ever after.
"The end."
Well done on your papers, everyone.
[IN SCOTTISH ACCENT] Oh, an A. I'm ever so proud.
And I'll be feasting the merriment in Castle Gordon tonight.
[GRUNTS]
Lawrence,
the parallel you drew between the character of Tam O 'Shanter
and Jabba the Hutt in Star Wars was quite imaginative.
-Thank you. -And completely wrong.
[LIZZIE CHUCKLES]
Uh, Lizzie, splendid work.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
"Splendid work."
Now I'll grow up, marry him, and we'll split the Nobel Prize in...
Rhyming things.
Uh, class, please read chapter three by tomorrow.
I'll see you then.
-Mr. Keith? -Yeah.
MIRANDA: I got you this book at Booktapus.
I thought you might like it. It's about Robert Burns,
where he grew up and stuff.
So why is Miranda sniffing around my future husband?
Thank you, Miranda. That's very thoughtful.
Aw, Miranda has a crush on Mr. Keith.
Miranda must be destroyed.
Miranda, what was that?
I gave Mr. Keith a book.
Well, don't. I saw him first.
-Okay, you don't own him. -Neither do you.
Well, he thinks I'm thoughtful.
Well, think about this. Back off, okay?
[CHUCKLES] Don't waste your time, kids. He likes me.
He gave me two stars and a smiley face.
That's because he feels sorry for you, stretch.
It's obvious he likes me.
Back off! I'm bringing him cookies tomorrow.
Oh, good. And then I can take him
to the emergency room when he gets sick.
Okay, he likes brunettes.
No, it's obvious he likes red heads.
KATE AND LIZZIE: No, he likes blondes.
Are you kidding me?
[ALL ARGUING]
Do you believe this?
No. They should be fighting over me.
[CHUCKLES] Tudgeman.
This is ridiculous.
Everybody knows he's mine.
And I'm going to win this catfight.
You hear that, Miranda?
Hi, Mr. Keith.
Isn't it a beautiful day?
Um, I really like the homework last night.
"Love is like a red, red rose."
It's delicate and it's beautiful and...
And times up, Malibu Barbie.
Mr. Keith, I brought you a thistle.
They grow wild in Scotland.
[KATE SCOFFS]
-Morning, Mr. Keith. -Morning, Lizzie.
Are you finding time to read Ivanhoe?
Oh, yeah, it's very interesting.
Interesting?
It's 904 pages of dull.
But if I wanna be Mr. Keith's favorite
I need some kind of a gimmick.
Um, I'm a little confused by something in chapter three.
Hi, Mr. Keith. I made some cupcakes last night.
Excuse me. Mr. Keith and I were talking about Ivanhoe.
Uh-huh.
They're butterscotch, you know, because of Scotch-land.
[CHUCKLES] Anyway, I was wondering if, um, maybe we could discuss
what I was having a little problem with.
Oh!
I'm sorry.
[CHUCKLES] Well, it's, uh, it's about time for class to start.
[LIZZIE GRUNTS]
You did that on purpose.
No, I didn't.
Plus, you shouldn't be bringing him cupcakes anyway.
Oh, I'm not allowed to like someone?
Not somebody that I like.
[MIRANDA GRUNTS]
Now, before we get started,
in honor of Robert Burns' birthday
the school and the Scottish Cultural Center
will be hosting a Burns' festival here on Saturday.
Would anyone be interested?
Will you be there?
The whole evening.
So you're going to this thing, why again?
Well, to listen to some poetry and to hear some folk music and stuff.
So I can spend time with the most wonderful man
who ever breathed
and become Mrs. Most-Wonderful-Man Who-Ever-Breathed.
And your teacher's making you all do this?
No, he's not making us.
Mr. Keith makes poetry really, really interesting,
and he's really sensitive
and he doesn't make us feel like dumb kids,
so I wanna go.
I get it.
Got a little crush on your teacher.
I do not.
All the girls want him to notice us.
And for once, I wanna be the girl who gets noticed.
Not Kate, not Claire. But me.
Honey, I know how you feel.
I remember when I was your age it...
It seemed like there was always somebody
that got the thing that you want.
Huh?
Mom actually gets it?
It's... It's very tough trying to compete for attention like that.
So, you had a crush on somebody?
Oh, yeah.
The lifeguard at the city pool.
I thought he was the greatest thing on Earth.
So, um, how'd it work out?
It didn't.
But I saw him recently,
and, uh, he'd lost all his hair
and he was assistant manager at the local Dairy Freeze
and lived with his mother.
So, it really made me appreciate what a great catch your father is.
[CHUCKLES]
[MUFFLED SCREAMS] Oh, you broke my nose.
[GRUNTS] Ow!
[CLATTERING]
[GRUNTING]
Dad and Fredo were playing football,
and Fredo really pegged one in there and hit Dad right in the nose!
Sam, we better get you to the emergency room.
Matt, go get in the car.
Lizzie, I need you to babysit Fredo.
But, Mom, the festival starts in like an hour.
Honey, I need you to do this.
Come on, Sam.
[WHIMPERING]
Great. My perfect opportunity to go and get Mr. Keith to like me
and I have to babysit a monkey.
[CHATTERING]
But it's not your fault, is it?
No, it's not my fault either.
So, um, let's get going, banana boy.
Okay, come on.
[CHUCKLES]
[IN SCOTTISH ACCENT] So, uh, the feast begins.
We fill our gabs with the honest food of Scotland.
[GASPS]
Uh, what do we have here?
That's blood pudding made from cow's blood and suet.
There's haggis made from the innards of a sheep
sewed up in its stomach and cooked.
And here we have, cold boiled kidneys.
This is what you guys eat?
That's it. I'm back to being Jewish. The food's better.
[SNIFFS]
Like garbage this smells. Feh.
More kidneys for me.
Ooh. Psst! Gordo!
[SIGHS]
[WHISPERING] Oh, yeah.
-Um, I need your help. -[CHUCKLING] You sure do.
Your date is really underdressed.
I know. I... I got stuck babysitting Fredo
and I was hoping maybe you could help me take care of him
so I can hear Mr. Keith do his reading.
[IN YIDDISH ACCENT] You want I should take care of a chimp?
To you, I'm a zookeeper.
Eh, it'll be a mitzvah.
Yes. Thank you, Gordo. I promise I'll make it up to you.
[IN YIDDISH ACCENT] I should live so long.
Ah, Lizzie. I was afraid you weren't going to make it.
Oh, I wouldn't miss it.
Did you hear that, Miranda?
He was, um, he was afraid I wasn't gonna make it.
Yeah. Big whoop.
When are you giving your reading, Mr. Keith?
Oh, any minute now.
I'm gonna videotape it.
[IMITATING KATE] I'm gonna videotape it.
MALE HOST ON PA: And next on our program,
we'll be hearing some of the great poetry of Robert Burns.
-Fredo's gone. -What?
How could you lose him, Gordo?
-MALE HOST ON PA: ... Mr. Ewan Keith. -[ALL CLAPPING]
Well, wish me luck, everyone.
You got to help me find him.
Gordo, I'm going to miss Mr. Keith.
[SIGHS] He's going to think I don't like him.
Fine, let's go.
Go.
[CHATTERING]
"Spring in a young man's fancy, nightly tender thoughts of love."
Nice night for romance, huh?
Why fight it any longer, Katie?
[SNIFFS]
We're meant to be.
Whoa.
[CHATTERING]
[SIGHS]
Fredo! Come on, boy.
Here, Fredo.
Come on!
Ow! Okay, watch your foot, Princess Graceless.
Hey, I was sitting there.
You ain't now.
[SCOFFS]
[PEOPLE CLAPPING]
Miranda, [STUTTERING] you've got to help me.
I was babysitting this chimp and he got away
and I know that I smushed your cupcakes
and I'm really, really sorry,
but he's in the gym and I can't climb,
and you always get an A in rope climbing.
Can you please help me?
Well, I can't argue with that.
"Green grow the rushes, O
"The fairest hours e'er I spent,
"Was spent among the lasses, O"
Move. You're blocking my view.
Too bad.
[GRUNTS]
[SCREAMS]
Somebody's gonna pay for that.
-Oh. You got him down. -He jumped on my head.
I... I didn't have too much to do with it. Ow.
And you came even though I squashed your cupcakes.
That is so cool.
It is not very often you get to chase a monkey.
Well, we might get another one right now
if this guy doesn't let go of my ear.
So, I'm really sorry about acting like a snob
about this Mr. Keith thing.
I guess for once I just wanted to be the girl that the cool guy noticed.
Me, too.
I guess we're gonna have to work out a system
for handling this kind of thing.
I'm serious, this guy is pulling my ear off my head.
Ow, ow, ow.
[CHUCKLES, SNIFFLES]
So anyway, you want to go listen to Mr. Keith's poetry reading?
Yeah. There's still time for him to notice one of us.
[ALL SHOUTING]
"Her prentice hand, she tried on man
"And then she made the lasses, O"
Oh, would you please stop it for pity's sake?
Who wants some haggis?
[KATE SCREAMS]
LIZZIE: Oh.
I never knew poetry could be so violent.
Maybe we should just go home.
[IN YIDDISH ACCENT] Eh, maybe we could go to a deli,
get a nice piece of fish.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]
Hey.
Oh.
What's... What's this for?
For helping me catch the chimp.
Would you believe there are no greeting cards for that?
Mmm.
I should help you catch chimps more often.
Lizzie, Miranda, good morning.
Mr. Keith, I see you got all the haggis out of your hair.
I did, I had to buy a special shampoo.
But I actually wanted to thank you two
for not being involved in all that mishigas the other day.
Mishigas?
It's a Yiddish word. It means craziness.
Gordo taught it to me.
-[CHUCKLES] -Yeah, he's good for that stuff.
You know, I'm very, very impressed with you two.
You seem immune to these childish crushes
that middle school girls are always getting.
You're the only two in my entire class that seem grown up.
Yeah, um, I know.
Why do girls have to be like that?
Yeah, we're, uh, very mature for our age.
EWAN: You're right.
Well, I have to go face them all again.
Shpilkes these kids are giving me.
Oy!
[SCREAMS] He thinks we're grown up, he thinks we're all grown up!
-I know. That's so cool. -[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Listen, let's promise never to fight over a guy ever again
especially one we have no hopes in getting.
Deal.
-But I get Brad Pitt. -[LIZZIE CHUCKLES]
Only if I get Heath Ledger.
Oh, but I get Josh Hartnett.
-No, no, no, he's mine. -I saw him first.
No, you did not.
You take the high road, I'll take the road... [MUMBLES]
Chapter three...
Hi, Mr. Keith. I made some cupcakes last night.
[CHUCKLES]
Splendid work! Now I'll grow up.
Mr. Haggis, I... Oh, [CHUCKLING] Mr. Keith.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Haggis?
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]