1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,100
Look, all I'm saying is,
if they're going to go to the trouble

2
00:00:02,160 --> 00:00:03,660
of remaking a classic movie...

3
00:00:03,730 --> 00:00:06,300
I agree with you. They should've
at least used real apes.

4
00:00:06,360 --> 00:00:08,960
[GASPS] Oh, good, Lizzie, you're here.
You almost missed it.

5
00:00:09,030 --> 00:00:10,130
Almost missed what?

6
00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:12,400
Ethan Craft. He's... he's...

7
00:00:12,460 --> 00:00:14,130
Uh, is today the day?

8
00:00:14,200 --> 00:00:15,960
Is this, like, one of those
girl things that

9
00:00:16,030 --> 00:00:18,030
I'm not going to get?
Or even care about?

10
00:00:18,100 --> 00:00:19,460
Actually, it's an Ethan thing.

11
00:00:19,530 --> 00:00:21,960
It's a known fact that
all the boys in Ethan's family

12
00:00:22,030 --> 00:00:24,060
get dirt bikes when they're 14.

13
00:00:24,130 --> 00:00:25,130
So what?

14
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:27,730
So... So look at him.

15
00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:43,830
Oh, to be that helmet.

16
00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:45,730
Ladies...

17
00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:50,600
Oh... He's more...
something than usual.

18
00:00:50,700 --> 00:00:52,760
He is. He so is.

19
00:00:52,830 --> 00:00:55,160
It's like he's Ethan, only more.

20
00:00:55,230 --> 00:00:56,560
-And better.
-LIZZIE: Yeah.

21
00:00:57,430 --> 00:00:59,260
Okay, what am I missing here?

22
00:00:59,330 --> 00:01:02,260
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Hot coffee. Coming through.

23
00:01:02,330 --> 00:01:04,260
I don't see any coffee.

24
00:01:04,330 --> 00:01:06,660
No, but the expression
parts a crowd like Moses.

25
00:01:06,730 --> 00:01:08,200
So what's all the hubbub?

26
00:01:08,260 --> 00:01:10,700
-Oh, it's Ethan.
-He's all grown up.

27
00:01:11,530 --> 00:01:12,760
Oh, yeah.

28
00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:16,930
Larry, why are there teeny bits
of tissue all over your face?

29
00:01:17,330 --> 00:01:20,000
-I started shaving.
-[MOUTHING] What?

30
00:01:20,860 --> 00:01:22,660
This isn't a one-man-town, you know.

31
00:01:22,730 --> 00:01:24,160
There's plenty of room
for the both of us.

32
00:01:24,230 --> 00:01:25,760
-Oh, and you, too, Gordo.
-Huh?

33
00:01:26,330 --> 00:01:27,400
Uh, nothing.

34
00:01:28,030 --> 00:01:30,630
<i>Hasta luego.</i> May the force
be with you. And peace out.

35
00:01:30,700 --> 00:01:31,760
[SNIFFLES]

36
00:01:31,930 --> 00:01:34,000
I don't get it.
Tudgeman starts shaving

37
00:01:34,060 --> 00:01:35,660
and suddenly he thinks he's all that.

38
00:01:35,730 --> 00:01:37,730
It does kind of mean something, Gordo.

39
00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:39,730
What, that he can raid
his father's medicine cabinet?

40
00:01:42,360 --> 00:01:44,600
Gordo, shaving is a sign of maturity.

41
00:01:44,860 --> 00:01:47,100
Maturity? It's Tudgeman.

42
00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:48,930
I don't know.
Must be something in the water.

43
00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:50,460
I mean, first Ethan, now Lar...

44
00:01:50,530 --> 00:01:52,060
Oh, you're not actually going to use

45
00:01:52,130 --> 00:01:54,460
Ethan and Larry
in the same sentence, are you?

46
00:01:54,530 --> 00:01:55,930
You just did.

47
00:01:56,460 --> 00:01:58,900
Look, Gordo, maybe they're...

48
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:02,100
[CHUCKLING] You know, growing up
a little faster than you are.

49
00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:03,160
[INHALES]

50
00:02:04,900 --> 00:02:06,300
[INHALES]

51
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:08,800
I... I don't even know
how to respond to that.

52
00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:15,360
At last, after years of conversation,
I finally stumped him!

53
00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:19,930
Look, Gordo, don't worry.
I-I'm sure you'll start shaving.

54
00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:21,560
Someday.

55
00:02:21,700 --> 00:02:24,300
[CHUCKLES] Come on, let's go see
what Ethan looks like up close.

56
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:28,400
[GIGGLING]

57
00:02:28,730 --> 00:02:30,160
Not even a good-bye?

58
00:02:30,230 --> 00:02:32,400
[THEME SONG PLAYING]

59
00:03:12,030 --> 00:03:13,800
-Hey, Gordo.
-Elizabeth.

60
00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:16,200
Elizabeth?

61
00:03:16,260 --> 00:03:18,960
My mom doesn't even call me that
when she's mad at me.

62
00:03:19,030 --> 00:03:21,030
The name's Lizzie, David.

63
00:03:21,100 --> 00:03:23,400
And how are you
this fine afternoon, Miss Sanchez?

64
00:03:24,460 --> 00:03:25,960
Are you feeling okay?

65
00:03:26,030 --> 00:03:27,230
I'm being sophisticated.

66
00:03:27,300 --> 00:03:29,260
Uh, no, you're being annoying.

67
00:03:29,630 --> 00:03:32,930
Yeah, you're right.
I can't even pretend to be a grownup.

68
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:34,460
I'm going to be
a kid forever, aren't I?

69
00:03:35,730 --> 00:03:37,400
Okay, a little help here.

70
00:03:37,460 --> 00:03:39,830
Gordo's usually the one
with all the answers.

71
00:03:40,460 --> 00:03:42,660
Gordo, look, there are tons
of kids around here.

72
00:03:42,730 --> 00:03:44,830
Yeah, and if there weren't,
it'd be really weird

73
00:03:44,900 --> 00:03:46,730
that we're all still in school.

74
00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:48,100
I just can't believe that my parents

75
00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:50,260
left such a crucial decision
in my hands.

76
00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:51,330
What decision?

77
00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:52,660
When to become a man.

78
00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:54,830
Okay, I'm Jewish, right?

79
00:03:54,900 --> 00:03:56,230
Well, traditionally, in my religion,

80
00:03:56,300 --> 00:03:58,060
when you turn 13,
you have a Bar Mitzvah.

81
00:03:58,130 --> 00:03:59,660
[GASPS] A... A bar?

82
00:03:59,730 --> 00:04:02,430
Like, where you drink
and stuff? At 13?

83
00:04:02,500 --> 00:04:05,030
No, it's a ceremony.
You start it as a child

84
00:04:05,100 --> 00:04:06,600
and when you're finished,
you're a man.

85
00:04:06,660 --> 00:04:08,630
Ooh, that must take
a really long time.

86
00:04:08,700 --> 00:04:11,660
No, only about a half an hour.
You read from the Torah and...

87
00:04:11,730 --> 00:04:13,230
Okay, you lost me again.

88
00:04:13,300 --> 00:04:15,130
It's the Bible, the Jewish version.

89
00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:17,660
So you read from the Torah
and you sing some prayers

90
00:04:17,730 --> 00:04:19,830
and you give a little speech
and then you have this huge party

91
00:04:19,900 --> 00:04:22,060
where they give you tons
of money and gifts and stuff.

92
00:04:22,130 --> 00:04:23,430
People give you money?

93
00:04:23,500 --> 00:04:24,760
And you didn't have one?

94
00:04:24,830 --> 00:04:26,460
Well, my parents didn't push me.

95
00:04:26,530 --> 00:04:28,430
When they were kids,
they didn't have a choice.

96
00:04:28,500 --> 00:04:30,660
They wanted me to come
to the decision on my own.

97
00:04:30,730 --> 00:04:32,360
And now I totally missed the window.

98
00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:36,400
Open up! Open up!
<i>Beaucoup</i> bucks are at stake.

99
00:04:36,730 --> 00:04:38,300
Didn't you want a bar mitzvah?

100
00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:39,760
I guess I didn't see the point.

101
00:04:39,830 --> 00:04:42,400
Like a half hour ceremony
would turn me into a man?

102
00:04:42,460 --> 00:04:44,730
Who cares? We're talking about money.

103
00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:47,030
Maybe you're like Peter Pan.

104
00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:49,400
Doomed to be a boy forever.

105
00:04:49,460 --> 00:04:50,900
[GASPS]
Ooh, clap if you believe.

106
00:04:52,030 --> 00:04:54,300
-Tinker Bell? Hello?
-LIZZIE: Ugh.

107
00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:57,460
Personally, I don't see the big point
in growing up anytime soon.

108
00:04:57,530 --> 00:04:59,700
I mean, we can't drive, we can't vote.

109
00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:01,030
Where are all the perks?

110
00:05:01,100 --> 00:05:04,730
Exactly. And 13, is kind of young
to be considered a grownup.

111
00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:06,730
In my culture, you have to be 15.

112
00:05:07,030 --> 00:05:09,800
We have a ceremony, too.
A <i>Quinceañera.</i>

113
00:05:09,860 --> 00:05:11,160
Ooh, do they give you money?

114
00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:14,060
I'm not sure but lots of music
and great food, though.

115
00:05:14,130 --> 00:05:15,800
Speaking of which, I'm starved.

116
00:05:15,860 --> 00:05:17,830
That's always a good sign
that you're feeling better.

117
00:05:17,900 --> 00:05:20,100
Please, I think about food constantly.

118
00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:21,100
Me, too.

119
00:05:22,330 --> 00:05:25,830
Food, bringing people
together everywhere. <i>L'chaim.</i>

120
00:05:26,500 --> 00:05:27,760
[DOORBELL RINGS]

121
00:05:29,630 --> 00:05:30,760
JO AND SAM: I'll get it.

122
00:05:32,660 --> 00:05:34,100
-Hey, handsome.
-Hey...

123
00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:37,660
-There, beautiful.
-That's better.

124
00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:42,460
Hey, Mrs. Robinson.
Matt, what did you do this time?

125
00:05:42,530 --> 00:05:44,200
It's all a misunderstanding.

126
00:05:44,260 --> 00:05:47,130
He was stealing oranges
from my tree, again.

127
00:05:47,830 --> 00:05:49,030
Is this true, Matt?

128
00:05:49,100 --> 00:05:53,000
Well, "stealing"
is such a... strong word.

129
00:05:53,060 --> 00:05:54,500
Get in the house right now.

130
00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:58,230
It's the third time this week.

131
00:05:58,300 --> 00:05:59,300
Fourth.

132
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:01,400
Oh.

133
00:06:01,830 --> 00:06:05,630
Fourth time this week that
he climbed into my garden,

134
00:06:05,700 --> 00:06:07,660
crushed my rhododendrons,

135
00:06:07,730 --> 00:06:09,860
and took that which
did not belong to him.

136
00:06:09,930 --> 00:06:11,160
It's criminal!

137
00:06:11,230 --> 00:06:13,560
I'm very sorry,
and it won't happen again.

138
00:06:13,630 --> 00:06:15,160
That's what you said yesterday.

139
00:06:15,230 --> 00:06:17,860
Boys will be boys, huh, Mrs. Robinson?

140
00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:22,400
Thank you. We will take care
of it, Mrs. Robinson.

141
00:06:27,500 --> 00:06:29,200
"Boys will be boys?"

142
00:06:29,260 --> 00:06:30,500
What's the big deal?

143
00:06:30,560 --> 00:06:33,630
I mean, she's got about
a million oranges on her tree.

144
00:06:33,700 --> 00:06:36,800
So I sold two maybe
three... dozen.

145
00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:38,200
You did?

146
00:06:38,260 --> 00:06:39,400
You did what?

147
00:06:39,700 --> 00:06:41,460
Hey, I would've split
the profits with her

148
00:06:41,530 --> 00:06:45,030
but she seemed so angry.

149
00:06:45,100 --> 00:06:46,330
Can you blame her?

150
00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:47,830
Can you?

151
00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:50,730
He said he was going
to split the profits with her.

152
00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:51,800
Sam!

153
00:06:53,430 --> 00:06:55,000
Don't steal oranges.

154
00:06:55,060 --> 00:06:56,960
-Okay.
-See? All better.

155
00:06:57,060 --> 00:06:59,430
That's it? That's all
you're going to do about it?

156
00:06:59,530 --> 00:07:01,530
Yes? No?

157
00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:02,600
Maybe?

158
00:07:03,630 --> 00:07:04,900
What was the question again?

159
00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:06,800
I don't believe this.

160
00:07:06,860 --> 00:07:08,760
It's like I have two boys
to discipline.

161
00:07:08,830 --> 00:07:10,030
Can I be excused?

162
00:07:10,100 --> 00:07:11,960
This stuff is getting kind of heavy.

163
00:07:12,060 --> 00:07:14,630
Sure. You're excused.
'Cause you know what?

164
00:07:15,230 --> 00:07:16,700
I'm going on strike.

165
00:07:17,430 --> 00:07:19,630
From now on, you're in charge, Dad.

166
00:07:19,700 --> 00:07:20,760
Cool!

167
00:07:20,830 --> 00:07:23,360
Yeah, when Matt's school calls,
which they will,

168
00:07:23,430 --> 00:07:25,700
when the neighbors complain,
which they will,

169
00:07:25,760 --> 00:07:27,200
when Lizzie screams "Mom!"

170
00:07:27,260 --> 00:07:30,900
which she definitely will,
take those as your cues.

171
00:07:30,900 --> 00:07:32,360
'Cause they're all yours.

172
00:07:32,460 --> 00:07:34,100
-Yeah, but...
-And if you need me,

173
00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:35,960
I'll be soaking in the tub.

174
00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:41,360
Guess it's just me
and you, Pops. Orange?

175
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:43,530
-Thanks.
-Later.

176
00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:48,430
Ooh.

177
00:07:48,500 --> 00:07:50,130
-Hey, guess what?
-What?

178
00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:51,930
You know how I was
bummed out yesterday about

179
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:55,130
the whole ceremonial-rites-of
-passage-growing-up-being-a-man thing?

180
00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:57,000
[SNORTS]
No, what are you talking about?

181
00:07:57,060 --> 00:07:58,230
Come on, this is serious.

182
00:07:58,660 --> 00:08:01,430
Really serious.
He didn't even get my sarcasm.

183
00:08:02,230 --> 00:08:03,330
Sorry, go ahead.

184
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:05,260
Well, after school,
I went on this quest.

185
00:08:05,330 --> 00:08:08,030
I wanted to see how my brothers
in the adult world became men.

186
00:08:08,100 --> 00:08:09,600
You have brothers?

187
00:08:10,030 --> 00:08:12,960
I mean in the philosophical sense.
I spoke to a bunch of guys.

188
00:08:13,030 --> 00:08:14,260
You know, interviewed them.

189
00:08:14,330 --> 00:08:17,160
It was very enlightening.
I even recorded it for posterity.

190
00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:18,360
Ooh, can we see?

191
00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:21,100
After high school.

192
00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:26,600
I needed some direction, some purpose.

193
00:08:26,660 --> 00:08:27,660
GORDO: So what'd you do?

194
00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:30,760
And I asked my father
for a driving lesson.

195
00:08:31,460 --> 00:08:33,900
We painted our faces
for the Super Bowl.

196
00:08:34,300 --> 00:08:36,630
I was blue. He was orange.

197
00:08:36,700 --> 00:08:38,800
-Da' Bears!
-Da' Bears!

198
00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:41,760
One day, my father
took me to the lake.

199
00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:45,400
He said, "Son,

200
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:48,560
"today you will catch your first fish.

201
00:08:49,330 --> 00:08:53,200
"And in so doing,
today you will become a man."

202
00:08:53,260 --> 00:08:55,600
-GORDO: How old were you?
-I was 16.

203
00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:57,260
Fifteen and a half.

204
00:08:57,330 --> 00:08:58,360
Eleven.

205
00:08:58,430 --> 00:08:59,530
BOTH: Seventeen.

206
00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:01,600
Eighteen when I met Miranda's mother.

207
00:09:02,630 --> 00:09:04,560
That is the day I became a man.

208
00:09:04,630 --> 00:09:06,330
Uh, my first tattoo.

209
00:09:06,630 --> 00:09:08,830
I caught it with my bare hands.

210
00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:11,700
Never has a fish tasted so good.

211
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:14,500
Or the way Walter Payton cried
when they won the game.

212
00:09:15,860 --> 00:09:17,460
It was a beautiful thing.

213
00:09:17,530 --> 00:09:21,200
Yeah, because they were
man enough to be that way

214
00:09:21,260 --> 00:09:23,300
in front of millions of people.

215
00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:26,800
Plus, the chicks really dig 'em.
[CHUCKLES]

216
00:09:26,930 --> 00:09:29,900
Anyway, I paid for the light pole so,

217
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:32,530
you know, it was a lesson
in responsibility.

218
00:09:33,330 --> 00:09:36,860
And that pretty much
was when I became a man.

219
00:09:37,830 --> 00:09:39,530
I now know what I need to do.

220
00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:41,300
Are you going to say tattoo parlor?

221
00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:44,200
That's so gross. I'm so there.

222
00:09:44,260 --> 00:09:46,000
I can always count on you, Miranda.

223
00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:47,860
You guys are not serious.

224
00:09:47,930 --> 00:09:51,600
You're right. I'm Gordo.
I'm about to become a man.

225
00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:56,260
[TATTOO NEEDLE BUZZING]

226
00:10:24,460 --> 00:10:27,930
All I'm saying is, I thought
the tattoo of the flower was pretty.

227
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,900
Not exactly manly, but...

228
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:31,800
Well, apparently, neither am I.

229
00:10:31,860 --> 00:10:34,700
Look, Gordo, one of the great things
about you

230
00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:36,630
is you do things on your own time

231
00:10:36,700 --> 00:10:38,200
not when everybody else does.

232
00:10:38,260 --> 00:10:40,300
Yeah, what's the big rush
in growing up anyway?

233
00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:42,200
I just want to know when it happens.

234
00:10:42,260 --> 00:10:44,030
I mean, where's my moment?

235
00:10:44,100 --> 00:10:46,330
I can't shave yet,
I don't have a dirt bike.

236
00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:48,760
The tattoo was obviously not for me.

237
00:10:48,830 --> 00:10:50,660
I can't even catch a fish.

238
00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:52,830
How am I going to know
when I'm no longer a boy?

239
00:10:53,230 --> 00:10:54,800
I guess you'll just know.

240
00:10:54,860 --> 00:10:56,030
That's not good enough.

241
00:10:56,100 --> 00:10:59,360
You guys will know
when it happens. It's biological.

242
00:10:59,430 --> 00:11:02,100
Ooh, creepy. Let's not go there.

243
00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:04,030
Never mind. I guess it's a guy thing.

244
00:11:04,100 --> 00:11:05,430
You guys just can't understand.

245
00:11:05,930 --> 00:11:07,930
Gordo, we're trying to understand.

246
00:11:08,500 --> 00:11:11,730
I'd better go.
It's getting near my bedtime anyway.

247
00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:19,100
That was a joke. I may still be a kid,

248
00:11:19,160 --> 00:11:21,030
but I don't actually have a bedtime.

249
00:11:21,300 --> 00:11:23,300
-[SCOFFS] We knew that.
-Okay.

250
00:11:25,460 --> 00:11:26,460
I didn't.

251
00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:29,630
What's his rush? Girls mature
faster than boys anyway.

252
00:11:30,430 --> 00:11:33,660
Hey! That means me first. Me! Me! Me!

253
00:11:35,460 --> 00:11:36,560
-Matt...
-[VIDEO GAME NOISES]

254
00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:40,630
I thought we said
no more video games.

255
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,930
It's part of
your punishment, remember?

256
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:44,700
I thought that was yesterday.

257
00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:47,500
You said that painting
Mr. Nelson's lawn green

258
00:11:47,560 --> 00:11:49,700
was an improvement over
the dead grass and weeds

259
00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:51,100
that usually grow there.

260
00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:53,200
And you were punishing me to,

261
00:11:53,260 --> 00:11:55,830
I think you said "prove a point."

262
00:11:56,330 --> 00:11:57,660
He's just joking, honey.

263
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:01,130
Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.
Were you guys talking?

264
00:12:06,900 --> 00:12:09,160
You just got yourself three weeks
of kitchen cleanup, mister.

265
00:12:09,230 --> 00:12:11,130
What? What for?

266
00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:12,830
For making me look bad
in front of mom.

267
00:12:13,860 --> 00:12:15,200
That's so unfair.

268
00:12:15,260 --> 00:12:16,430
-Is not.
-Is, too.

269
00:12:16,500 --> 00:12:17,860
-Is not.
-Is, too.

270
00:12:17,930 --> 00:12:19,000
Is not.

271
00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:31,630
Sam!

272
00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:04,830
[DOG BARKS]

273
00:13:06,860 --> 00:13:08,700
[DOG WHIMPERS]

274
00:13:11,130 --> 00:13:15,230
Your behavior your attitude,
are just so... bad.

275
00:13:15,700 --> 00:13:18,900
I really... I don't know what
I'm going to do with you, Matt.

276
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:22,060
Be Zen-like. Do nothing.

277
00:13:22,130 --> 00:13:23,130
[SNORTS]

278
00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:25,460
That is exactly
the attitude I'm talking about.

279
00:13:25,530 --> 00:13:27,330
What would your mother do
in this situation?

280
00:13:27,460 --> 00:13:29,730
What is the situation exactly?

281
00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:33,030
Well, you put our garden hose
in the Lippins' mailbox.

282
00:13:33,100 --> 00:13:35,160
You decided you wanted
to play "mudslinger"

283
00:13:35,230 --> 00:13:37,530
in the Dennises' yard,
and you gave Cocoa a mohawk.

284
00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:41,300
Hey, it was hot outside.
I thought I was doing Cocoa a favor.

285
00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:43,460
All right, that's it,
go to your room.

286
00:13:43,530 --> 00:13:45,200
-My room?
-Yes.

287
00:13:45,260 --> 00:13:47,760
That's it? That's my punishment?

288
00:13:47,830 --> 00:13:49,300
Hey, I'm just getting started.

289
00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:52,100
Okay, so... When do you think
you'll be finished, then?

290
00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:53,830
That's it. Go!

291
00:13:54,660 --> 00:13:56,700
Amateur. Total amateur.

292
00:13:57,130 --> 00:13:58,630
Just go.

293
00:14:00,330 --> 00:14:01,400
[SIGHS]

294
00:14:01,460 --> 00:14:02,460
Hi, honey.

295
00:14:02,530 --> 00:14:03,530
[SCOFFS]

296
00:14:04,130 --> 00:14:05,830
Uh, Mom, can I talk to you
about something? It's...

297
00:14:05,900 --> 00:14:07,530
Sorry, I'm off-duty. Sam?

298
00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:09,560
Maybe you're better at this
than at disciplining.

299
00:14:10,860 --> 00:14:12,030
[SIGHS]

300
00:14:14,430 --> 00:14:16,460
So... [SIGHS] What's up?

301
00:14:18,330 --> 00:14:20,500
Yeah. Like I'm really going
to talk to my dad

302
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,200
about what's going on in my life.

303
00:14:23,100 --> 00:14:24,130
Everything okay?

304
00:14:24,430 --> 00:14:25,430
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

305
00:14:25,660 --> 00:14:27,200
Well, when he asks so nicely.

306
00:14:27,730 --> 00:14:29,900
Yeah. I saw you in Gordo's movie.

307
00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:32,130
Oh, yeah? That come out okay?

308
00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:34,700
Pretty good. Gordo still feels
like a kid, though.

309
00:14:34,900 --> 00:14:36,160
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

310
00:14:36,230 --> 00:14:38,960
Yeah. I remember what that feels like.

311
00:14:39,900 --> 00:14:42,100
It feels... light.

312
00:14:43,530 --> 00:14:46,460
Light? I knew we didn't speak
the same language.

313
00:14:47,230 --> 00:14:49,130
You know, like eating
an ice cream cone

314
00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:51,000
and it's dripping down
the side of your hand.

315
00:14:51,500 --> 00:14:52,900
Or you're playing baseball
in the street

316
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,160
and the sun's about to set.

317
00:14:54,260 --> 00:14:57,560
Or staying up late
just because it's fun.

318
00:14:57,730 --> 00:14:59,600
[CHUCKLES]
Why else would you stay up late?

319
00:14:59,660 --> 00:15:00,930
[LAUGHS]

320
00:15:01,130 --> 00:15:03,060
Because it's the only time
you have to eat your dinner.

321
00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:06,830
Or pay your bills. Or do your laundry.

322
00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:08,800
Oh...

323
00:15:08,860 --> 00:15:11,660
But it's okay, because by the time
you get to go to sleep

324
00:15:11,730 --> 00:15:14,060
you really feel like
you've accomplished something

325
00:15:14,130 --> 00:15:17,760
for yourself and for your family.
It's a nice feeling.

326
00:15:18,460 --> 00:15:20,800
I guess that's what it feels
like to be grown up.

327
00:15:21,100 --> 00:15:22,030
Sometimes.

328
00:15:22,130 --> 00:15:23,360
[CHUCKLES]

329
00:15:23,430 --> 00:15:27,360
Hey, uh... What do you think
Matt's punishment should be?

330
00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:29,060
[CHUCKLES] What'd he do?

331
00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:35,530
Would you like to get
an ice cream with me?

332
00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:37,200
I'd love to.

333
00:15:42,260 --> 00:15:44,100
Good advice and ice cream?

334
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,030
Maybe I should talk
to my dad more often.

335
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:48,730
All I'm saying is
I just don't understand

336
00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:51,100
why you guys left
such an important decision up to me.

337
00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:52,360
I'm just a kid.

338
00:15:52,430 --> 00:15:53,500
Classic transference.

339
00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:55,430
He's our son, Howard
Let's not shrink him.

340
00:15:55,500 --> 00:15:57,760
But he's blaming me because
he didn't get Bar Mitzvah'd.

341
00:15:57,830 --> 00:15:59,330
-Oh, honey.
-Okay

342
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:01,360
Parents are always the easiest target.

343
00:16:01,430 --> 00:16:03,630
It's just that you guys
tell me how to do everything--

344
00:16:03,700 --> 00:16:06,500
When to clean my room,
when to do my homework.

345
00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:08,200
When to clean my bellybutton for lint.

346
00:16:08,260 --> 00:16:09,700
Not true, not at all.

347
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:12,260
Okay, maybe the last one,
but that's about hygiene.

348
00:16:12,330 --> 00:16:13,560
Sit down, David.

349
00:16:18,830 --> 00:16:19,930
[SIGHS]

350
00:16:20,260 --> 00:16:21,400
When you were six,

351
00:16:21,900 --> 00:16:24,630
and all the other kids
were taking the training wheels

352
00:16:24,700 --> 00:16:27,360
off their bikes,
you told me you weren't ready.

353
00:16:27,430 --> 00:16:29,100
I was made fun of, wasn't I?

354
00:16:29,660 --> 00:16:34,300
Yes, but that's not the point.
The point is you weren't ready.

355
00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:37,060
But now I feel like
I've missed out on something.

356
00:16:37,130 --> 00:16:40,200
My Bar Mitzvah should have
been a year ago. It's too late now.

357
00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:41,500
Why?

358
00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:43,730
I don't know.
'Cause I'm not 13 any more?

359
00:16:44,130 --> 00:16:45,430
You're not 13.

360
00:16:45,900 --> 00:16:48,660
But you've taken the time
to search, question,

361
00:16:48,730 --> 00:16:50,000
and talk to your peers.

362
00:16:50,060 --> 00:16:51,200
How do you know?

363
00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:52,260
Please, we're your parents.

364
00:16:52,330 --> 00:16:54,430
Like we're not going to see
every movie you make?

365
00:16:55,660 --> 00:16:57,560
David, trust yourself.

366
00:17:00,460 --> 00:17:01,530
[CHUCKLES]

367
00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:03,200
[SMACKS LIPS] I think I'm ready.

368
00:17:06,300 --> 00:17:07,300
Hey, Matt.

369
00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:13,330
Wow. You are really good
at this cleaning thing.

370
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,260
Do I have a choice?

371
00:17:16,330 --> 00:17:18,430
It's the only punishment
Dad keeps going back to.

372
00:17:18,500 --> 00:17:19,730
What did you do this time?

373
00:17:20,260 --> 00:17:21,260
Overslept.

374
00:17:21,330 --> 00:17:22,930
What do you mean you overslept?

375
00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:25,160
I woke up late this morning.

376
00:17:25,230 --> 00:17:28,760
It was a total accident
but does Dad care? Nope.

377
00:17:28,830 --> 00:17:32,000
After this I have to mow the lawn
and wash the car.

378
00:17:32,060 --> 00:17:35,560
Whoa, whoa, whoa. All of that
just because you overslept?

379
00:17:35,630 --> 00:17:38,100
Yup. Watch your feet.

380
00:17:39,630 --> 00:17:42,130
Okay, okay, okay. Ha-ha, ha-ha. Stop.

381
00:17:42,930 --> 00:17:45,900
Matt. You must have done
something else.

382
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:48,100
Did you... did you steal
more oranges or,

383
00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:49,830
or give more doggie haircuts?

384
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:53,560
Nah. Dad's just really weird
when it comes to punishing me.

385
00:17:53,630 --> 00:17:56,330
I mean, I could do something
totally by accident, like,

386
00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:59,660
forget to flush the toilet
and he makes me sweep the chimney.

387
00:18:00,260 --> 00:18:02,130
Now, if I do something
on purpose like,

388
00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:04,930
let's say, cut Lizzie's hair
while she's sleeping...

389
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:06,830
You cut your sister's hair?

390
00:18:06,900 --> 00:18:08,860
Hey-hey-hey, it's just a plan.

391
00:18:08,930 --> 00:18:11,200
I need to work out the finer points.

392
00:18:11,260 --> 00:18:15,500
Oh, my goodness, your father
has no idea how to do this job.

393
00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:18,200
Does that mean
you'll start punishing me again?

394
00:18:18,260 --> 00:18:20,660
'Cause... I kind of miss you, Mom.

395
00:18:20,730 --> 00:18:24,560
You do? Oh, honey, I miss you, too.

396
00:18:26,930 --> 00:18:28,430
Can I stop cleaning now?

397
00:18:28,500 --> 00:18:29,560
Yeah, of course you can.

398
00:18:31,500 --> 00:18:34,830
But because you told me your plan
about cutting your sister's hair,

399
00:18:34,900 --> 00:18:36,660
you're grounded until next week.

400
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,430
It's great to be back
in business with you, Mom.

401
00:18:44,660 --> 00:18:46,030
You look great.

402
00:18:46,100 --> 00:18:47,560
Thanks, I wasn't sure what to wear.

403
00:18:47,630 --> 00:18:49,000
I've never been
to one of these before.

404
00:18:49,060 --> 00:18:50,560
-[CHUCKLES]
-Have you seen Gordo?

405
00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:52,100
He's probably inside.

406
00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:53,260
Think he's nervous?

407
00:18:53,330 --> 00:18:55,530
Knowing Gordo? Not a chance.

408
00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:57,400
I'm so proud of our Miranda.

409
00:18:57,500 --> 00:18:59,160
She's got such nice friends.

410
00:18:59,230 --> 00:19:00,830
[SMACKS LIPS]
Oh, you're just saying that

411
00:19:00,900 --> 00:19:02,830
because Gordo put you in his movie.

412
00:19:03,030 --> 00:19:04,400
No, really.

413
00:19:04,460 --> 00:19:06,300
-I know.
-[BOTH CHUCKLE]

414
00:19:06,360 --> 00:19:08,430
Come on.
I don't want to miss anything.

415
00:19:10,660 --> 00:19:14,460
Hey, Matt. Hold up.
Here. Straighten up your tie.

416
00:19:15,060 --> 00:19:16,130
Okay.

417
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:17,560
It looked better before.

418
00:19:17,630 --> 00:19:19,630
Sorry, honey,
I think this is my job, too.

419
00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:21,900
Uh, don't I ever do anything right?

420
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,600
-You make good pancakes.
-Thanks.

421
00:19:23,660 --> 00:19:25,160
And you picked me to be your wife.

422
00:19:25,230 --> 00:19:26,460
Mmm...

423
00:19:26,530 --> 00:19:28,000
I'll be going.

424
00:19:29,660 --> 00:19:31,330
Hey, let's go watch Gordo grow up.

425
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:34,230
Wait. Just because Gordo is going
to be a man when this is all over,

426
00:19:34,300 --> 00:19:36,700
do you think things between us
are going to be different?

427
00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:38,730
Nah, I think he'll still be Gordo.
[CHUCKLES]

428
00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:42,900
Which is exactly the way I like him.

429
00:19:44,530 --> 00:19:46,230
Thank you all for coming
to my Bar Mitzvah.

430
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:50,160
Today is important for a lot
of different reasons, but mostly,

431
00:19:50,230 --> 00:19:54,230
because today I leave my childhood
behind and become a man.

432
00:19:55,860 --> 00:19:58,600
Now, the truth is, I could have
marked this transition

433
00:19:58,660 --> 00:20:00,100
a million different ways

434
00:20:00,530 --> 00:20:02,430
and believe me,
I considered most of them.

435
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:10,330
But I knew that whatever I did,
it had to be right for me.

436
00:20:12,060 --> 00:20:14,230
So I searched and I questioned

437
00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:16,430
and I heard lots of stories
from many men.

438
00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:22,000
Funny thing is, the person
I learned most about was me.

439
00:20:23,660 --> 00:20:26,300
And I realized that
figuring out who I am

440
00:20:26,360 --> 00:20:28,930
was made easier
by realizing who I'm not.

441
00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:34,360
So why this Bar Mitzvah
and not a tattoo?

442
00:20:34,430 --> 00:20:37,230
Or fishing? Or even a dirt bike?

443
00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:40,530
The answer is simple.

444
00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:42,830
It's because this is
what felt right to me.

445
00:21:01,100 --> 00:21:02,860
[PRAYING IN HEBREW]

446
00:21:27,530 --> 00:21:28,600
Those clothes are funny.

447
00:21:28,660 --> 00:21:30,200
MAN 1: And action.
MAN 2: What was that, Lalaine?

448
00:21:30,260 --> 00:21:33,200
MAN 3: And again, and again.
MAN 4: Here we go, guys, rolling.

449
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:35,960
[CLATTERS]

450
00:21:36,030 --> 00:21:37,200
[GLASS SHATTERS]

451
00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:40,830
Elizabeth? Very funny, guys.

452
00:21:41,030 --> 00:21:42,060
All I'm saying is

453
00:21:42,130 --> 00:21:43,800
if they're going to go to the trouble
and remake... [LAUGHING]

454
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:45,330
ADAM: Why are you laughing?

455
00:21:46,030 --> 00:21:48,300
[ALL LAUGHING]

456
00:21:49,030 --> 00:21:50,100
LALAINE: I'm sorry.

457
00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:52,400
JAKE: Whoo-hoo!
LALAINE: You're crazy, you're crazy.

458
00:21:54,700 --> 00:21:56,030
-[SNIFFLES]
-[GRUNTS]

459
00:21:57,230 --> 00:21:58,330
I love you.

460
00:21:59,230 --> 00:22:02,300
-I have feelings for you, too.
-[LAUGHTER]

461
00:22:03,460 --> 00:22:05,460
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]