[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
Mmm-mmm. What is this stuff?
Is there some sort of a law
against serving anything edible in this cafeteria?
Ugh! Looks like another
-potato chips and cake day. -Ugh!
I see you guys decided to pass on the daily special.
Do you mean the goulash surprise?
Ugh! I don't like surprises. Especially not goulash ones.
[BOTH EXCLAIM]
And, now, the ritualistic dance known as table search.
Don't try and sit with the popular kids.
They might rip your head off.
Jocks, sure, if you like broken bones.
You sit at the loser table,
you risk rejection from the rest of the herd.
Gordo, lunch is horrifying enough without recording it.
Of course, lunch is horrible.
No one ever said that middle school would be easy.
Somebody tell that to Kate.
GORDO: Look, how many times do I have to tell you,
that one day Kate's life will be meaningless and miserable.
It's just so hard to wait.
Ooh! How did I not see that coming.
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
Wait, where's my camera?
You must've left it in the cafeteria.
Okay, wait here. I'll go back and see if it's there.
You think he'll find it?
If he doesn't, we'll be having it for lunch tomorrow.
[SCOFFS] Remember the time I lost my bracelet?
Oh! And I had it in my Mac and Cheese the next day!
BOTH: Gross!
It was on the whole time.
You guys will never believe what I got on tape.
-Elvis? -Big Foot?
Close. Kate.
Cool!
Okay! Promise you won't tell anyone.
Sure! What is it?
[SOFTLY] I'm a year older than everybody.
-[SCOFFS] -CLAIRE: You're 14?
KATE: Yeah.
-[LAUGHING] -CLAIRE: You're in seventh grade.
Remember you promised not to tell anyone.
You mean, you got held back?
-It was only in kindergarten. -[GASPS]
CLAIRE: Uh, I mean, I guess it's not that bad. Right?
I've been hiding this ever since elementary school.
If anybody finds out I'm a year older than everybody else,
my whole image will be totally ruined.
I cannot believe that Kate was held back in kindergarten.
What'd she do? Fail nap time?
[YAWNS]
Prepare your speech, Gordo. This is your Oscar winner.
-LIZZIE: Mmm-hmm! -Yeah.
I can't believe it.
I-I finally get something good and it's completely by accident.
Wait?
Maybe I can get some more of this.
What do you mean?
Uh, more of this hidden camera stuff.
This has incredible potential.
[SCOFFS]
Come on, we're gonna be late.
Hey, Dad. Would you run me over with a car?
Sure, in a minute, Son.
Sam?
-What? What'd I do? -[SCOFFS]
Mom, chill. It's for school.
Oh, I am so looking forward to hear you explain this.
Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom.
Haven't you ever heard of career day?
What kind of career is this, insurance fraud?
No! Stuntman.
Cool!
No? Not cool, very not cool.
Why can't you be a doctor or a lawyer?
That would require years of schooling.
This, I can do right now.
Matt, we are not running you over with a car.
Fine.
I'll come up with something else.
[INAUDIBLE]
Okay, uh, let's see what we got.
[CHUCKLES]
Ew!
MIRANDA: Ew!
Okay, you really want to know my secret?
Yeah!
I'll tell you.
Here, pet it.
[LAUGHING]
Just pet the bunny.
I tell you,
I do it every time before a game.
It'll bring you luck.
[LAUGHING]
[GIRL SLURPING LOUDLY]
[BURPING LOUDLY]
-[CHUCKLES] -[BURPS]
Gordo, that was great!
Do you realize what you have here?
I mean, do you even know what would happen
if other people in school saw this stuff?
Yeah, they'd know what I've always known.
That even the popular kids have stuff to be embarrassed about.
Well, you've got to figure out a way to get everyone to see this.
-Matt? -MATT: Yes?
Come down here, right now.
MATT: As soon as I open up the umbrella, Dad.
No, Son, you're gonna use the ladder.
MATT: Aw, man.
Come on, give me the umbrella.
I can't believe it.
These things never work. Trust me, I know.
What about sheets for a parachute?
Even worse. Gets wrapped around your face.
Oh.
Look, look, this is it.
I know exactly where my film's gonna show.
"Unified School District 41 Student Film Competition?"
Where did you get this?
Off the bulletin board.
[SNICKERS] You read the bulletin board?
We have a bulletin board?
I think I have the ultimate real life documentary about middle school.
You're a lock, Gordo. Uh, your film's gonna be great.
So, where is this so-called bulletin board?
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
Move it!
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Where's your lunch?
To have lunch, you need money, which I left in my backpack,
which I left on the bus this morning
along with my third period book report,
my clean gym clothes, someone put gum my locker,
and to top it all off,
I just found out that Larry Tudgeman uses my picture
as a screen saver on his computer!
Well, want some of my French Fries?
Why don't they just slap a big sign on this school
that says "Loser Farm" and be done with it?
You're having a really bad day.
But school isn't that bad.
[SIGHS] You're right.
It's not that bad.
It's terrible!
I mean, everyone looks up to the jocks and the cheerleaders.
We're a bunch of stuck up dorks,
we're gonna end up working at the drive-through at Burger Buddy.
Okay, vent.
I-It's this whole place.
I mean, it's the way that people say one thing to your face
and another behind your back.
Matt, don't use your mother's panty hose for bungee jumping.
MATT: Hey, Dad.
Do we have a blowtorch?
Son, you're not jumping through a ring of fire.
[GROANS]
[LEAF BLOWER WHIRRING]
Son, don't use my leaf blower as a jetpack.
How do you expect me to be a stuntman?
You won't let me do anything.
Find something else to be, Matt.
Fine, squash my dreams.
I'll come up with something else!
I'm hoping for another big Kate revelation.
I don't know, I'm a big fan of the "pet the bunny" boy.
Hmm. Today's digital dynamite is...
Why don't they just slap a big sign on this school
that says "Loser Farm" and be done with it?
You're having a really bad day.
- But school isn't that bad. -Uh, that's Miranda, Gordo.
-Yeah, it is. -You taped me?
LIZZIE: Okay, vent.
I'd love to stick around, but I got a thing. Ow!
It's terrible...
All I did was tape the quad.
I didn't know you were gonna be there.
I mean, it's okay, it's no big deal. Your hair looks fab.
You're taking his side.
I mean, who died and made you Big Brother anyway?
You were happy to watch it when it was other people.
Well, it's no big deal.
It's not like he's gonna use this stuff.
Of course I am, why wouldn't I?
Because if anyone from school sees me on that tape, I'm toast.
Incoming!
I think you worry a little too much about what other people think.
Not everyone is like you.
Some of us care what other people think.
[HUFFS]
Okay. If you ask me, she's being a little hypocritical.
Come on, Gordo.
You know if anyone at school sees that tape,
she could never show her face in school again.
That's ridiculous. People are gonna love this.
You're on my side, aren't you?
[SCOFFS]
Why do we have drills for fire and earthquakes,
but nothing for when your two best friends declare war on each other?
Oh, good. You're here.
You're always so punctual, and your hair looks incredible.
Are those new earrings?
No! You gave 'em to me last year for my birthday.
What's wrong with you?
You better sit down.
Lizzie, look at me.
I am sitting down.
Right! [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
Um, well, I thought I should be the first one to tell you,
that Gordo's one of the finalist in the film competition.
Oh, no!
Have you seen the film, how bad was I?
Do I need to transfer schools?
I haven't seen it yet.
I didn't even mean that stuff.
I was just having a bad day.
Now, all the school district officials
are gonna see me ragging on our school.
Actually, the whole school district is going to see you.
They're showing all three final films at the big assembly.
[CHUCKLING] I'm dead.
I'm the late Miranda Sanchez.
[SIGHS]
[CLEARS THROAT] What're you doing, sweetheart?
Cooking.
See, this is good. No more of that stuntman stuff.
He's gonna be a chef.
Hey, he can have his own restaurant.
He can have his own cooking show. Bam!
[CHUCKLES]
Good, we can go to his house for Thanksgiving.
Our son, the chef.
[SOFTLY] Don't tell him we like it. He'll stop doing it.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]
So the screening's sixth period,
but all finalists have to be there by lunch.
Okay, so you still have some left.
Is there any way that you can cut out Miranda's part?
You have so much other great footage.
Yeah, but the stuff with Miranda sort of ties it all together.
Maybe it's tying his film together, but it's pulling me apart.
Hey, dude, I heard about your film. Where's it playing?
Uh, in the AV room, sixth period.
Oh, so it's not a real movie.
Yeah, Ethan. I just made a $35 million action movie
and they're showing it at the assembly.
Hey, way to go, Gordo. I'll be there.
Gordo, I mean, I really don't think you should do this!
Hey, Gordo.
Are we going to be in your movie?
How could he do a movie about our school without us?
You don't know how true that is.
Well, good luck. I'm sure it's gonna be great.
Thanks, I'll, uh, see you guys at the screening.
Gordo, I...
Look, Lizzie. I gotta go.
But, do me a favor,
watch the movie before you tell me what I should or should not do.
[SCOFFS]
Great, everyone in school is talking about this film
and how they're going to see it.
Gordo caught me on one bad day
and now the whole school is gonna think I'm a total loser.
Maybe not. Maybe it's not as bad as we think.
Gordo says that we should see it before we make up our minds.
I can't believe it! You're taking Gordo's side?
I'm not taking anybody's side.
Well, you should be! You should be taking my side!
Okay, you can stop now.
I can't stretch this far.
Come on, Miranda, you know that this is a big deal for Gordo!
And it's a big moment for me!
It's the moment where my fate is sealed as a social outcast.
[SCOFFS]
Matt?
What're you doing?
What's it look like I'm doing?
I'm setting up my mile-of-death ultimate torture track.
Where did you get all the wood?
What happened to the cooking?
I was cooking the candy to make the fake glass to crash through.
Uh, honey, I thought we agreed that you weren't gonna be a stuntman.
I'm not going to.
I'm going to be a daredevil.
Ah!
Sam!
SAM: I'm a bit busy, hon. I'm ironing my pants.
Well, guess it's time for a test run.
Sam, you get out here and I mean now!
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMS]
[GROANS]
Wow!
That's gotta hurt.
Yeah.
Okay, maybe I don't want to be a daredevil.
How about a rockstar?
[PLAYS AIR GUITAR]
Can't believe it, my debut as a director
and here I am not wearing a baseball hat.
Baseball bat, yeah, mmm-hmm.
Baseball hat. You okay?
Actually, no!
I... I'll be right back.
You're gonna miss my movie.
I won't, I promise.
Hey!
Hey.
Why aren't you in there with Spielberg?
'Cause I wanted to make sure that you were okay.
I'm fine, really. I mean,
that's why I'm hiding from the entire school.
Time to go in, girls.
[SIGHS]
This is it.
When I come out of there...
I'll have no friends.
Yes, you will!
You'll have me.
Okay, everyone.
I think the moment we've all been waiting for.
No disrespect to the other finalists from the other schools.
[BOOING]
Now, now, now.
Stop. Let's be nice to our guests.
[BOOING]
Okay, that's enough!
Now, without further ado,
The Gordo Files
by David Gordon.
[APPLAUSE]
BOY 1: [DISTORTED VOICE] You really want to know my secret?
-BOY 2: Yeah. -BOY 1: I'll tell you.
Here, pet it.
[ALL LAUGHING]
BOY 1: Just pet the bunny.
I tell you, I do it every time before a game.
It'll bring you luck.
[BURPING]
[ALL LAUGHING]
MIRANDA: [DISTORTED] Why don't they just slap a big sign
on this school that says "Loser Farm" and be done with it?
Everyone looks up to the jocks and the cheerleaders.
We're a bunch of stuck up dorks, we're gonna end up working
at the drive-through at Burger Buddy.
It is this whole place.
I mean, it's the way that people say one thing to your face
- and another behind your back. - Hey, look.
LIZZIE: He just used your voice.
[INAUDIBLE]
It's the way the cafeteria serves you retired circus animals.
[STUDENTS GRUNT DISGUSTEDLY]
[LAUGHING]
Uh, how did Gordo disguise my voice? I mean,
it doesn't even sound like me.
MIRANDA: [DISTORTED VOICE OVER] I just get the feeling that
nobody's being honest here,
that everybody's afraid
to let everybody else know the truth about them.
KATE: [DISTORTED] Okay, promise you won't tell anyone.
CLAIRE: [DISTORTED] Sure! What is it?
KATE: Uh, I'm a year older than everybody.
-CLAIRE: You're fourteen? -KATE: Yeah.
KATE'S FRIEND: But you're in seventh grade.
KATE: Remember, you promised not to tell anyone.
CLAIRE: You mean, you got held back?
KATE: It was only in kindergarten.
CLAIRE: I guess it's not that bad, right?
KATE: I've been hiding this ever since elementary school.
If anybody finds out I'm a year older than everybody else,
my whole image will be totally ruined.
MIRANDA: [DISTORTED VOICE OVER] Let's face it.
It's a school full of fakes.
But, it's not so bad as long as you've got really great friends.
[ALL WHOOPING AND CHEERING]
Hey, dude, very cool.
But, for 35 million, couldn't you have blown some stuff up?
Hey, you can't blame me! I didn't know we were being taped!
A, you'll never eat lunch at this school again.
B, whose voice was that?
I'm sorry, Kate. I can't reveal that.
It's a director's prerogative
to keep his sources and his techniques confidential.
-What a dirk. -[SCOFFS]
So, Miranda, you never told me what you thought of it.
Well, I know it was supposed to be a big surprise and all,
but you could've at least told me
so I'd stop stressing and get some sleep.
Miranda, I'm your friend.
You should know that I've always got your back.
Next time, Gordo, remind me.
I will.
So, we're cool?
Yeah, we're cool.
Told her?
Why couldn't someone have told me?
And, Gordo, please tell me your days of hidden camera are over.
They are, it's gotten old school.
I'm looking for the next big thing.
[CHUCKLING]
I got it! It's a movie about an animated character.
She's smart, she's funny and Brad Pitt is totally in love with her.
DIRECTOR: It's a wrap!
Guys?
Guys, I'm not done yet.
LIZZIE: Guys? Guys!
JACK: Mark.
It's the way that people say one thing to your face
and another behind your back.
DIRECTOR: And, cut.
-Will you stop smiling? -[CHUCKLING]
-FEMALE CREW MEMBER: That's a cut. -MALE CREW MEMBER: Yeah.
Way to go, Gordo. I'll be there.
Yeah, Ethan. I, uh...
Wha... What the?
HILARY: Gordo.
You're always so punctual.
And, that... Your hair looks okay... Ooh!
You're always so punctual. And, that... [GRUNTS]
[CHUCKLES]
It's a movie about an animated character.
She's smart, she's funny and Brad Pitt is totally in love with her.
LALAINE: [CHUCKLES] Ah! Oh!
[MUFFLED] That was great!
[MUFFLED] Yeah, we are pretty hungry.
LIZZIE: That is so good!
DIRECTOR: Okay, cut.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]