I was watching this spy movie last night,
and it got me thinking.
Why do supervillains always want to take over the world?
Well, I think it would be kind of cool to rule the world.
I mean, you could meet any celebrity you wanted.
I could pass a new law making Ethan Craft worship me.
And I guess I could feed starving people or something.
-[CAT MEOWS] -But Ethan Craft would be job one.
You'd have to be in charge of everything.
What if the electricity went out in Stockholm?
Or there's a mud slide in Argentina?
Or Thailand's being infested with aphids?
I mean what do you do?
I never thought of it that way, Gordo.
Well, luckily, I don't want to rule the world.
I want to be a singer on a cruise ship.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
Hey, kids.
Lizzie, you got a package from Gammy McGuire.
Ugh, excellent.
My grandmother can't remember when my birthday is,
so she just sends me stuff every couple of months,
just to make sure.
Ooh, maybe it's that scarf you wanted,
or those cool rhinestone sunglasses or that jewelry box.
Dwarflord: The Conquest?
Or it could, you know, reek.
"The game of dragon monarchs and Dwarf warriors."
Like I said.
"Imagine you're an exiled dwarflord,
"seeking to reclaim your kingdom,
"stolen by an evil wizard and guarded by his dragon slave."
Hey! You're not throwing your gift away.
Why not? Didn't you hear about the dwarflords?
I want you to play it at least one time,
and then if you don't like it, we're gonna donate it to charity.
Fine. I'll play it.
Come on, Gordo and Miranda, let's get this over with.
Oh, I got to go home and clean fish.
See, my dad went fishing, so I have to go home and gut them.
Yeah, and I'm gonna go home and try and grow a mustache.
I've been meaning to.
Miranda, I let you borrow my blue top,
and you got deviled eggs all over it. Okay? You owe me.
All right, all right.
And, Gordo, if you don't play, I'll tell everyone
what you did at Dakota Himmelfarb's fourth of July party.
You know, with the mustard?
Hey, what are we wasting time yakking for?
Let's play Dwarflord.
Dear Gammy McGuire, thank you so much for the cool present.
Next time, please send cash.
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
Okay, Lizzie, you're in the Seventh Room of Discovery,
so you have to roll the Dream Dice
and "The Toe Bone of Rumba Peter Goblin Beater."
But, I thought I could get out of the Seventh Room of Discovery
by getting a Wish Feather from a moon cat.
Let's see... Lodestones... troll blessings...
Oh, here it is.
It says if you don't roll the Toe Bone,
you have to cross the bridge of ultimate darkness
and spend your wish feather on insanity syrup.
[SIGHS]
Whatever happened to hide-and-go-seek?
Simple game, you know, count to 50, then go hide...
ideally with Ethan Craft on a yacht.
We've been playing this game for 20 minutes now. Okay?
Gammy McGuire's gift has been... enjoyed.
You guys just want to quit 'cause I'm winning.
You are? How can you tell?
Well, I've acquired the 13 skulls,
and you know what that means.
No, I really don't. Nor do I care.
Well I can trade them in for a shape-shifting button.
I'd turn into the dragon Monarch.
Then I'd need to get an inferno robe and a smoke shield.
Mall?
You bet.
All right, all right, I-I'll come.
[CHUCKLES]
Bye, mom. Bye, dad.
-Bye, honey. -Bye, honey.
Mom, Dad, I need a ride to the docks.
How come, champ?
To check out some wharf rats.
Are you talking about colorful waterfront characters named
"Captain Salty" or are you talking about actual disease-carrying rodents?
The actual disease-carrying rodents.
I'm studying wildlife for school.
Well, you're not studying rats, young man.
Okay.
Well, I'm gonna go ride my bike up to the hills
to check out some rattlesnake nests. See you at dinner.
Hey, come here, Indiana Jones.
You can study nature right here, at home.
But there isn't any here.
Dad killed all the fire ants with spray,
trapped all the mice and hosed away all the wasp nests.
Sam! How could you?
What? You want fire ants?
Hey, there is a bird's nest in the oak tree in the backyard.
Well quick, go study before your dad cuts the tree down.
Good idea. I bet he's just itching to chop that puppy down.
So, Digital Bean after school?
I-I can't make it.
Why, what are you doing?
Playing Dwarflord.
[LAUGHS] No, really, what are you doing?
I'm playing Dwarflord.
Why on earth would you want to do that?
'Cause I liked it,
and it turns out there's a Dwarf tribe right here on campus.
Really? Do they get like special parking or anything?
A Dwarf tribe is a what you call a group of people
who get together and the game on a regular basis.
I thought the name for that was...
You just don't understand it. It's more of a guy's game.
The epic struggle of good versus evil,
the intricate strategies,
the mighty deeds of fearsome warriors.
Hail, Gordo Glimmerfoe.
The tribe salutes its newest questling.
TOGETHER: Huzzah!
Farewell and good luck, Gordo Hammertoe.
Yeah, have fun storming the castle.
A thousand thanks, Maidens fair.
You know, they're making fun of us.
They are?
Fine.
[BOTH SHRIEK]
That ought to show 'em.
ALL: Huzzah!
Ugh! What was that?
This is boring.
No, it isn't. This is the whole miracle of nature at work.
This is... life renewing itself.
This is the universe unfolding according to a grand plan.
And it's boring.
Hey, mighty bird-watchers! I brought you some snacks.
Oh, great. I'll come right down and get them.
That's okay. You don't have to. I can toss it up to you.
No, no, no, that's way too dangerous.
I'll come right down and get them.
Hey, where you going, sweetie?
Um... bathroom, yeah.
He's not coming back, is he?
I wouldn't count on it.
Here's your juice.
Ah.
Anybody home?
Hey, Sam, Edward Sanchez is here.
[SIGHS] Oh.
Standing right next to me.
Oh! [CHUCKLES]
Hey, Eduardo, remember that 15 bucks I borrowed from you?
I just keep forgetting to give it back.
Ah, forget about that. I have.
Oh.
I brought back Sam's hedge trimmer.
My topiary's turning out well.
What's Sam doing in the tree?
Oh, it's a school project for Matt.
In fact would you take this up to him?
I'm afraid he's gonna die of thirst.
Oh sure. Coming right up, Sam.
Righty-o!
-[EDWARD GRUNTS] -Thanks.
Hey, a bird's nest!
Yeah, sparrows, I think.
You want some protein bar?
Ah, thanks.
Wait! Don't hog all the juice!
Sorry. Let me have some of that protein bar.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello?
Hey, do you understand this English homework?
I understand that it's a pain in the rear.
I guess we could go down to the library
and check out some reference books. Or we could...
Call Gordo!
[DIALING]
ALL: Huzzah!
[PHONE RINGING]
Gordo.
Hey, explain prepositional phrases.
Sorry, I'm kind of busy right now.
This is your homework hour. What are you doing?
Um... nothing special.
The hour of magic is upon us.
Are you playing that munchkin game again?
Yea. And I'm about to vanquish
the winged werewolf to the eighth vortex,
so I can't really help you with your prepositions right now.
Is that Lizzie and Miranda?
[ELECTRICAL BUZZING]
Look, I have to roll the Toe Bone. I'll see you guys later.
I'm a little worried about this.
Me too. You know how Gordo obsesses about things.
I mean, I'm worried about how we're gonna get
this homework done. My mom's working tonight,
and my dad's up in a tree with your dad.
Well, I'm worried about Gordo.
He's way too interested in this game. And Tudgeman plays it.
That puts a red flag up right there.
He's gonna lose interest in it eventually,
just like his carrier pigeons.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
He didn't lose interest in his pigeons.
A cat developed an interest in them.
I hope you're right, but I'm gonna keep an eye on him.
So, are we gonna study together?
I can't. I've got other plans.
Oh, Princess Candlewick, I figured out the circle stone code.
Oh, my gosh!
Now we can get into the dragon chamber.
And then we can battle the man with the iron fist
after we go through the eighth vortex twice.
-Hey, Gordo. -Hmm.
-We thought we'd have lunch with you. -Hmm.
There's ground-up eyeballs in the chili today.
Hmm.
Gordo!
[GASPS]
Yikes! Okay, I see what the problem is.
Gordo died a few weeks ago and didn't bother to tell us.
Gordo, what's with the dark circles? You look like a raccoon.
Have you been getting any sleep at all?
GORDO: No time.
I'm this close to solving the riddle of the silver hammer.
And where's your lunch?
I told you silver hammer!
-Quit being a nag worm. -But...
Yeah, Lizzie, quit being such a nag worm! Sheesh!
Hey, McG, sorry I ragged on you the other day.
I was out of line.
Oh, it's okay. I was just worried about you. You have to eat.
I know. I know.
That's why I was hoping, maybe, I could borrow a couple bucks
and get a turkey burger?
You don't have any money?
Did you spend all your cash
on those stupid dwarf game-card thingies?
Yeah, yeah, I wasn't thinking clearly.
That's why a turkey burger would be good, you know.
I'd get some food in me.
[SIGHS] Okay.
Here. And get some sleep, too. Okay? You're falling apart.
Yeah, yeah I will. Thanks. See ya.
Hey, still got the golden edition dragon monarch card?
Got the money?
BOTH: Huzzah!
Not bad, B-plus.
Me too. The only one I got wrong was,
"Where's the English Channel?"
I thought it was next to E-S-P-N.
How about you, Gordo?
Oh, I got an "A."
Glimmerfoe, join us.
Princess Candlewick has acquired the alabaster dragon egg.
Oh, cool!
We've lost Gordo. He's obsessed with Dwarflord.
It's worse than that.
Gordo got an "F."
Okay, I'm here. Let's play.
-Where are your game pieces? -We don't have any.
Your message said you wanted to play Dwarflord.
You said you wanted me to teach you.
Yeah, well, there's a simple explanation for that.
We lied.
Just like you've been lying about your grades
and what you've been doing with your lunch money.
Oh, I'm sorry. I mean my lunch money.
Fine. You don't want me to borrow
your lunch money anymore? I won't.
That's not it, Gordo.
We just don't want you to play Dwarflord anymore.
Okay? It's taken over your life.
-It has not. -Has so!
I swear on the sacred shield of Owen Thunder Eater,
it has not!
All right, maybe that didn't sound so good,
but I know what I'm doing.
We don't think you do.
We want you to go back to normal. We want you to stop.
No.
Look, I can stop playing any time I want to,
but I'm not going to just because you say so.
I'm outta here.
Man, that's one bad Dwarflord jones.
What do you know about it?
It's a cool game, but it can take you down a bad road.
Last year, Lanny was seriously on the Dwarf.
Spent all his money on collectors' cards,
talked nonstop about his characters.
That Dwarflord is bad medicine.
Ah, I just hope he can get over it.
You can hope. And you can hope a grizzly bear doesn't eat you
if you rub yourself with bacon.
Gordo's a dwarfhead. He needs help.
So will you help him?
[SIGHS] It won't be easy.
It will be intense... it will be ugly.
But, Gordo helped me that time
I got my head stuck in the banister.
[SCREAMING]
I owe him one.
I hate to bother you, but I really think Edward
left his cellphone at home on purpose so I couldn't call him.
[JO CHUCKLES]
Edward, your wife is here.
[SIGHING] Oh.
Standing right next to me.
Oh!
Edward, you've been over here for four hours now.
Remember, you promised to clean the rain gutters.
I want to watch the eggs!
I really think it's time for you to come home now.
No.
Eduardo, vamanos!
No quiero.
Sam, maybe you oughta come down, too.
I don't wanna. Just give us our potato chips.
All right, I'll come up there.
No! No girls allowed.
Yeah!
Hey, you wanna go to the day spa?
Sure! I've got Edward's credit card.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Just as I thought,
they've posted sentries outside the game chamber.
These are hard-core Dwarfites.
Miranda, you know what to do.
Hi!
Hi.
-That's a really great outfit. -Really?
Yeah, I've always had a thing for, uh...
what are you again?
Half-elf, half-badger.
For one of those!
Hmm, pitter-patter.
Oh, listen, could you show me
where the nearest water fountain is? I'm feeling kind of warm.
A quest I would fain undertake, fair damsel.
Yeah-huh.
I won my spurs in the gremlin wars
of the 12th dimension when...
[SCREAMS]
You're half-elf, half-badger.
You won your spurs in the gremlin wars.
[SCOFFS] I wish I had time for a bath.
I smell like a petting zoo.
A great thirst grows upon me.
The wizard of the Wood Glen craves a break.
Princess Candlewick, prepare the dwarf brew.
How are we supposed to get Gordo out of there?
That dwarf brew they're drinking? It's a strong iced tea.
Gordo Glimmerfoe's gonna need a pit stop anytime now.
Okay, here's what we do.
It's off to the watering trench, my half-badger brethren.
Ah! You're tickling me!
GORDO: Don't jostle me! I have to go to the bathroom!
MATT: Careful! We're losing it!
[GORDO SCREAMS]
This isn't helping the bathroom situation at all!
Glimmerfoe?
Art thou still in the toilet?
What are you doing to me?
We're helping you.
How is this helping me?
-Dwarflord! -Ow!
This is aversion therapy.
The thing you like causes you pain.
Therefore, you don't like it anymore.
What are the wires for?
Well, the wires are for absolutely nothing.
They just look pretty cool.
Well, if you don't cut this out, I'm gonna cause you pain.
Okay! Moving on to the next step.
Ow!
I just wanted to do one. It looked fun.
Why are you doing this?
Because we want you back the way you were.
Back in the old days,
when you ate and slept and talked like a normal person.
Maybe I just like Dwarflord.
Well, maybe you do, but if you don't change,
you're gonna end up like this.
Alvin Steck, he's a regional Dwarflord champion.
He's 36 years old, and he lives in his mother's basement.
He works part time at a barbershop, sweeping up hair.
He hasn't had a date since his junior prom.
He took his cousin.
His whole life is Dwarflord.
He missed out on swimsuit calendars, curly fries,
and souped-up motorcycles.
Don't miss out, Gordo.
[OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Ah! Enough, enough, enough!
French fries, French fries... give me French fries.
Hmmm.
How about we go to the lake tomorrow?
And Matt you wanna watch a basketball game tomorrow night?
-Is there ketchup? -No!
[CHUCKLING]
The crisis has passed. My work here's done.
You know what's really good?
When you mix Sugaros and Marshmallow Puffies.
Very good combination.
I say, we do the mall today, and we can save the lake
for next week, when it's supposed to be warmer.
Gordo's back!
I mean, he still obsesses about stuff,
but at least it's good stuff, like sports and junk food...
And helping me with my homework.
Sounds good to me, Gordo.
And when we're at the beach, we can get curly fries.
-Dwarflord! -Ow!
Just checking.
Hey! Everybody! Come quick!
EDWARD: Yes, hurry!
Come on! The eggs are hatching!
[EDWARD STUTTERS] Hurry!
Their little beaks are breaking through.
We're fathers! [BREATHING HEAVILY]
SAM: Kids, you should really see this.
Nature is such a miracle.
Uh... you guys ready to go to the mall?
Sounds good.
Ah, the mall. No trolls, no wizards.
Just cinnamon buns, the arcade, and you guys.
Thanks for pulling me back.
[CHUCKLES] Sure. But,
[IMITATES A WIZARD] now you get to pay for the cinnamon buns!
[CHUCKLING]
Look! One's poking its head out. And it's black.
-[CROWS CAWING] -They're crows...
cute, little crows.
-[SHELLS CRACKING] -[CAWING]
Hey, that must be the mother.
-[CAWS LOUDLY] -Looks like she's in a hurry.
She looks... angry.
-Oh-oh! -[SCREAMS]
[CAWING ANGRILY]
Oh, I'll go get some ice packs.
Is my school project done yet?
Yeah, it's done.
I think I sprained my shoulder.
Cool! My next project is first aid.
-Does that hurt? -Ow!
-That? -Ow!
-How about this? -Ow!
-That? -Son.
MALE CREW: Stay on the mark.
Stop that! [CHUCKLES]
MALE CREW: And... uh-oh.
-[CREW LAUGHING] -Cut it!
Could you show me where the nearest...
You want I should rough him up... [BLOWS RASPBERRY]
[CREW LAUGHING]
Yo, Savage, are you watching this?
[CREW LAUGHING]
I could pass a new law making Ethan Craft worship me.
-[CAT MEOWING] -Oops.
[SNEEZES LOUDLY]
So the twelfth dimension...
[GRUNTS] Unhand me...
-[GRUNTING] -[CREW LAUGHING]
MALE CREW: Cut it.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]