Okay, my most embarrassing moment was when we were in front of the class,
working a problem and I dropped my chalk.
I bent over to pick it up...
[PANT RIPS]
[STUDENTS CHUCKLE]
Oh, I remember that.
Your underwear said Tuesday when it was really Wednesday.
-Ugh! -Well, I can top that.
The first and last time I went bowling,
I threw nine straight gutter balls in a row.
I got so tense that my fingers started to swell up and... [BREATHES DEEPLY]
Well, they had to surgically remove the ball.
[CHUCKLES]
You think that's bad? In the holiday pageant,
I was one of the Eight Maids A-Milkin'.
I accidentally threw up on one of the Ten Lords a-Leapin'.
[CHORUS SINGING] On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
[RETCHES]
That was definitely my most embarrassing moment.
Oh, until now.
Hey, don't sweat it, Miranda. The holidays are tough on everyone.
Hey, what's up, guys?
-Hey. -MIRANDA: Hey, Ethan.
Yo, Gordon, remember the movie you told me to rent last weekend?
It totally rocked.
You're like my own little critic, dude.
Hey! I-I-I wanna be his little something.
Yeah, well, Friday night, they're showing Psycho down at the Wilco.
Now that's a classic.
That's in black and white, right?
See, I'm more of a color type of guy.
Oh! He likes color!
I wear color. We're made for each other!
And besides, me and some friends are goin' bowling Friday night.
Oh, really? That's a coincidence
'cause we're going bowling on Friday night, too.
We are?
Ooh! Right.
We are. [CHUCKLES]
I love Miranda. She thinks of everything.
Coolness, we'll hang.
I bet you're like an ace at the pins, too, right?
Like, what can't you do? [SMACKS LIPS] Later.
[SCOFFS] Can you believe that we're going bowling with Ethan Craft?
-We're gonna have so much fun! -Oh, my God!
Were you guys not listening?
There is no way I'm having another bowling ball
surgically removed from one of my hands.
Have fun.
But we just told Ethan we'd be there.
Oh, and I don't wanna disappoint him.
I cannot believe this! D-Do you know what this means?
It means I am going to marry Ethan Craft.
Gotta start somewhere.
[BOTH SQUEALING]
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
Oh, my gosh! I still can't believe it.
Oh, my gosh, I know! Oh, my gosh, he is!
[CHUCKLES]
-Do you hear that? -Hear what?
Lizzie, just now on the phone.
You know, apparently, she's very excited about something.
The rest of it, I don't know.
I don't even know her anymore.
Do you remember when she used to want to spend time with us?
Well, that was before she was embarrassed to be seen with us.
I had no idea we were embarrassing.
I'm not.
[CHUCKLES] Honey, it's the age. Come on.
She-She thinks the only reason we live here
is to make her life miserable.
But she's growing up so fast. I want to be a part of her life.
-You know what I'm gonna do? -Hmm?
I'm gonna have dinner this weekend with Lizzie.
Just the two of us.
Oh, that's very sweet.
No, it'd be great. I mean, all I got to do
is show her how I can be down.
I mean, I am right on with the kids, you know?
And I am the Real Sam Shady.
Oh, now you're embarrassing me.
Now, now.
I'm getting pretty sick of Heywood Biggs bullying us around
and I'm getting pretty tired of him using us as footballs.
I mean, sure, it's fun flying through the air like that, but,
but landing's a little rough.
[CLATTERING]
And why'd he have to go and take your clothes?
There was already a flag waving from the flagpole.
For the first time in my life, I don't have a plan.
Really? You think that working out
until we're bigger than Heywood will work?
Well, come on, let's go see if we have any dumbbells lying around.
[CHUCKLES] That's a good one.
Lizzie probably is in her room.
[CHUCKLING] You crack me up.
-Hey, Lizzie. -Yo, Dad, what's up?
What's the hap?
The hap?
Yeah. You know, I'm just checkin' it with you.
Checkin' what? What are you talking about?
[CHUCKLING] Oh! Wait, you've been reading one of those
How To Talk To Your Kids books again, haven't you?
No. But there is something I'd like to ask you.
Okay, and that's never good,
but whatever it is, I'm sure I can blame it on Matt.
Sure, Dad. What's up?
Well, I was wondering would you like to have dinner together Friday night?
Uh... Well, don't we have dinner together, like, every night?
Well, yeah, but I'm talking just the two of us.
You know, like a daddy-daughter date night.
Daddy-daughter date night?
He is definitely reading one of those books.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Uh... Sure, I guess so.
It'll be... fun.
-Exactly! -Yeah.
So, um, just what I thought.
You know, like, coolio, yes.
Yeah.
Ugh.
-Hey. -Um, hey. What's up?
Why are you turning red?
What's in that book?
You know what? No, don't answer. I probably don't even want to know.
[SIGHS]
[READING] "The Dude Strikes Out? By Jeffrey Lebowski?"
You're reading a book about bowling?
I-I thought you weren't going with us anyway.
Well, I wasn't, but then I decided that it might be good for me.
Why? Because I don't want to be limited by my fears.
Huh?
Look, you still perform in holiday pageants
without throwing up.
[CHORUS SINGING] On the first day of Christmas my true...
Lizzie can do math problems without ripping her pants.
I should be able to bowl without having to go to the emergency room.
You're right. One miserable experience shouldn't ruin all the rest.
I'll help you. I'll be your life coach.
Uh, I don't need a life coach. I just need to learn how to bowl.
Gordo, bowling isn't the problem.
I'm going to teach you to relax,
so even if you throw a few gutter balls,
they won't need to get the bowling ball
off of your hand with a hammer.
Well, they actually used a saw.
[SAW WHIRRING]
But I get your point. [CHUCKLES]
So, you in?
Okay.
Wow! I-I can't believe I could help you.
Now this is a first.
Believe me, there's no one more surprised than me.
[CAN POPS]
Oh! Hey, Mr. Dig. I didn't know we had a sub today.
Well, you know what else you don't know?
What you'll be having for breakfast tomorrow morning,
what you'll be doing after school next Thursday,
and who you'll be going to the senior prom with.
Life's interesting that way, don't you think?
Um...
Just when I think I'm happy to see him,
Mr. Dig has to go and get all mind-gamey on me.
Yeah, sure.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, hey, you guys.
My dad is being so weird.
He wants me to have dinner with him this weekend.
Uh, don't you have dinner with him every night?
-[SCOFFS] -Well, me bowling on Friday night
is pretty much guaranteed to be worse than your dinner on Saturday.
Gordo.
Bowling is fun. Bowling is good.
Bowling will not make my fingers swell.
Good boy! Here.
[LIZZIE CHUCKLES]
W-Wait a minute.
Did you just say that bowling was on Friday night?
I thought it was on Saturday.
No, it's Friday. It's burned on my brain.
But that's when I said I'd have dinner with my dad.
Well, how about I have dinner with your dad
and you go bowling for me?
Gordo.
Bowling is fun. Bowling is good.
Bowling will not make my fingers swell.
Here.
But you can't not go. Ethan's going to be there!
Uh, thanks for reminding me.
So what are you going to do?
Ethan! Ethan! Ethan!
Cancel with my dad, of course!
Uh, what else am I supposed to do?
It-It'll be fine. He'll totally understand.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
I think. Ugh!
[GRUNTING]
[PANTS] How many was that?
[SIGHS] This isn't working.
[SIGHS]
Hey! Invisibility.
You can't bully what you can't see.
Let's go.
Hey, Lanny. Hey, Matt.
D'oh!
Hey, Lizzie. I was wondering, how does Indian food sound to you?
Well...
[FLUTE MUSIC PLAYS]
Uh-oh. He's actually picking out some fancy restaurant,
the kind where they serve ketchup on a plate.
I just thought it'd be kind of fun
for you and I to try some new kind of cuisine together.
Um...
Okay, I'll break it to him easy.
I'm happy to keep it simple if you want burgers and pizza.
I'm A-Okay with that.
U-Um...
Oh, no! He's making this difficult!
Well, Dad,
I-I-I've given this a lot of thought
and m-maybe we could reschedule.
Oh.
Well, it-it's just because
me, Gordo and Miranda were planning on going bowling this weekend
and some other people from school are going
and it's sort of turning into this big thing.
Lizzie, I-I understand.
Go bowling with your friends. Have a good time.
Wow. Dad's actually being cool without even trying.
Dad, I know when we can spend some time together.
When?
You could drive me to the bowling alley.
It's, like, a ten-minute drive. Tons of time to talk.
That's great. Count me in.
Cool. Thanks for understanding, Dad.
[CHUCKLES]
Bowling is good. Bowling will not make my fingers swell.
Oh, excellent. Here.
I think we're ready for phase two.
Does phase two involve cookies?
Ugh! Sit down.
Okay, now, close your eyes.
Now visualize a bowling alley.
-Mmm. Okay. -Now, be the ball.
Be the ball?
[IN MYSTICAL VOICE] Be the ball.
[SCREAMS]
Uh, I don't want to be the ball.
Okay, then be the pins.
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMS] Oh! Uh, being the pins isn't working, either.
[GRUNTS]
-Oh! Come on! -Yeah.
Mr. Dig, are you okay?
Mr. Dig, what-what happened?
I crashed. [CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES] Uh, yeah, you did.
Ah, it was just a matter of time.
But I came prepared. Ooh! That felt good.
You, uh, think he's got a concussion? He's making less sense than normal.
Uh, look, y'all, I'm fine, really.
That was kind of fun.
But you totally wiped out.
Yep. And that's never happened to me before.
I love new experiences. [CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES] Mr. Digs, you're kind of freaky.
Well, it's all part of the journey.
Oh. Let me guess. Life's journey?
No, uh, to the attendance office.
But I like the way you're thinking, Gordo.
I don't get it. The guy eats dirt and he still has a smile on his face.
Like I said, freaky.
-[STATIC] -Target is approaching.
I repeat, target is approaching.
-Over. -[STATIC]
Prepare for Operation Mummy. Over.
[SQUELCHES]
Move, move, move, move! Move! Move!
What?
You're not so tough now, are you, Heywood?
Heywood? What?
Stop it, Matt!
[GRUNTS]
Hey, unwrap me!
I-I will, I will.
Could you just stay still a second?
I can't move, you ignoramus!
What did you say?
I said, I can't move!
Mission accomplished.
But for Heywood, we'll need to double our supplies.
If you don't unwrap me this second, I'm gonna call Mom.
Oh, d-d-d-d-don't do that.
Fine, I won't call Mom.
[GRUNTS]
[ECHOING] Mom!
Why isn't Matt the one cleaning my boots?
Would you really trust your brother with this job?
[SCOFFS]
-I didn't think so. -Still. H-He ruins everything.
I was gonna wear those tomorrow, Mom.
Well, honey, you're still gonna have to take 'em off to go bowling.
[BREATHES HEAVILY]
Hmm, I hadn't thought of that. I-I'd been busy planning a wedding.
So, your dad told me you canceled your plans with him.
Oh, yeah. [SIGHS] But he understands why, right?
Oh, yeah, your dad knows you'd rather spend time with your friends.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, well it's just that
me, Gordo, and Miranda usually spend Fridays together.
Yeah, I think he just thought it would be fun for you guys
to spend a few hours together for a change, that's all.
[CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY] Well, when you put it like that...
Oh, don't worry. Your dad just...
He doesn't always understand where your priorities are.
My priorities?
Well, yeah, sure.
I mean, your friends are the people that you want to spend time with
and your family are the people that you have to spend time with.
But that's not how I feel exactly.
Honey, I get it.
Your dad's just a little slower when it comes to that sort of thing.
Well, look at that.
I think those look perfect. You can totally wear these tomorrow night.
Yeah.
Have fun.
Why do I suddenly have a heavy feeling in my stomach?
Whoa!
I got to stop having these talks with Mom.
[SIGHS]
What a waste.
All the planning, all the hard work.
And for what? Nothing.
I guess you're right. We do have a reason to celebrate.
I mean, it's not every day
that the bully who tortures you ends up in traction.
[CHUCKLES] And you think he'd remember where the tire swing was.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[CRASHES]
Yow, that had to hurt.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Guess we don't need any of this stuff until his body cast comes off.
You're right. We can't lose our edge. We've got to keep practicing.
Oh, Lizzie!
Look, I've been the ball, I've been the pins.
There's no way I'm gonna be the shoes
and I-I'm still feeling gutter ball, gutter ball, gutter ball.
Look, even my fingers are beginning to swell.
Gordo, why does not being the best at something make your fingers swell?
You don't have to be the best at everything.
You can do stuff just to have fun.
Well, I guess. I never really thought of that.
No kidding.
-Hey, guys. -What's up?
Ugh, pretzel stomach.
This whole thing with my dad is so complicated.
I thought you said he was cool with everything.
Yeah, what happened?
I'm not quite sure, but after talking to my mom,
I feel like I made the wrong decision.
[SCOFFS] Yeah, moms will do that to you.
What would the right decision be?
Enough! Enough! I-I can't handle all these questions!
Ugh! I don't know, I'm so confused.
Hey, Lizzie. Check you at bowling, right?
Oh, yeah. [CHUCKLES] I'll be there.
I think. [SIGHS]
-[LIZZIE CHEERS] -[MIRANDA GASPS]
-Wow! -Lizzie, that was amazing!
Thank you, thank you.
Yo, Lizzie, you rock!
Thanks. [CHUCKLES]
[GASPS]
[CHUCKLING] That's funny. You rock, too!
We are so perfect for each other.
Bowling is good. Bowling is fun.
Bowling will not make my fingers swell.
Here.
-Thank you. -Mmm-hmm.
-Gutter ball! -MIRANDA: Yeah!
-That was horrible! -The worst I've ever seen!
Oh, thank you, Miranda. I couldn't stink so bad without you.
Uh, so, um, how are your fingers?
There are no signs of swelling.
Hey, yo, Gordon, I thought you said you were good at this.
-He is! -Yeah, I'm a great bowler.
Dude, you stink.
He worse than stinks, which is why I'm so totally proud of him.
Ethan, life's a journey.
Yeah, okay, but my ride's coming later.
Hey.
Oh! Can you believe how much fun this is?
I know. I can't believe we're actually here with Ethan Craft!
[BOTH SQUEAL]
It all worked out.
I mean, it was so simple. At first, I couldn't even see it.
What do you mean?
Well, I looked at tonight as a win-or-lose situation.
You know, I just needed a little perspective.
What kind of perspective?
Kind of like what you're going through with Gordo. [SIGHS]
Except for I just kind of put myself in my dad's shoes.
Here you go, kids. Hot dogs, fries,
and a whole lot of ketchup.
[CHUCKLING] Okay, so maybe this isn't the fanciest restaurant in the world.
But as long as you like the people you're with,
ketchup on a plate's really not that bad.
Looks like I'm up. Watch how it's done.
Oh! Remember, Dad, I'm the one with the perfect strikes.
Remember, Lizzie, it runs in the family.
-Dad? -Yep?
I'm really glad you're here
and I'm really sorry for the way that I acted.
Hey, Lizzie, I'm really glad you included me in your plans tonight.
I know I'm not the coolest dad in the world,
but I just miss hanging out with you, that's all.
I guess sometimes I get caught up in my own world,
but I've had a lot of fun and we should do this more often.
Hey, anytime, anywhere, I'm there.
Coolie.
-[CLEARS THROAT] -Just one more question.
-Shoot. -Did we really
have to bring this along?
I mean, people are watching, Dad.
Sweetheart, they don't call me Striking Sam because of my good looks,
though it helps.
[CHUCKLES]
Lizzie, I don't think it's me he's watching.
-Dad! -What?
I can keep it low. I mean, I mean, real.
I-I can keep it real.
Dad, Dad, just bowl!
-Okay, okay! -Bowl!
[ALL CHEERING]
MIRANDA: Yeah! [CHUCKLES]
MALE CREW MEMBER: Mark.
ELLEN FALCON GITTELSON: And action!
-I forgot my tray. [CHUCKLES] -GITTELSON: Cut!
-What's the hap? -HILLARY DUFF: Yo, Dad.
I was just checkin' it with you.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
[ANIMATED LIZZIE GRUNTING]
And why'd he have to go and take your clothes?
There was already a flag havin'-- [SIGHS]
And why'd he have to go and take your clothes?
There was already a flag-- [GROANS]
[CRASHING, CLATTERING]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]