Wow.
That was amazing.
Hey Lizzie,
-you wanna see a magic trick? -No.
For my next illusion, the famous floating ball
that floats on top of the scarf.
It hides behind the scarf.
-It zooms through the air. -Ow!
It flies into the trash.
Dad, Lizzie threw my trick away.
Lizzie, don't throw your brother's trick away.
Ha. Now kiss it and say you're sorry.
Get out of my face, you cactus head.
Mom, Lizzie called me cactus head.
Lizzie, don't call your brother a cactus head.
But I am trying to do my homework and he won't stop bothering me
with his stupid magic tricks.
They're not stupid.
-Here, pick a card. -[SCOFFS]
-Lizzie. -[IMITATING] Lizzie.
BOTH: Kids...
-S...st...stop it. -I need the card to do the trick.
I can do a better one with it.
Ta-da. I turned it into confetti.
Well, how about I turn this
into confetti?
That's mine and I told you to stop going in my closet.
It wasn't in your closet.
It was in your underwear drawer.
[GROANS] That's it.
I am telling Dad what really happened to his sunglasses.
Fine. I'll tell Mom what you were talking to Miranda about
-on the phone last night, at 11:30. -[SCOFFS]
[IMITATING LIZZIE] Oh, Ethan Craft is so cute.
I just want to hug him and kiss him
-all day long. [KISSING NOISES] -[SCOFFS]
[GRUNTS]
[YELPS] Help me!
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
Freeze!
Let me go! [YELPS]
Lizzie, put Matt down, and step away from your brother.
-[SCOFFS] -[THUDS]
-He started it! -She started it!
I don't care who started it.
You kids have got to stop this constant bickering.
What is it with you guys?
You never used to fight like this when you were younger.
You used to really take care of each other,
and that's what a family is.
People who love each other, and take care of each other.
You're right, Dad.
Sorry, Mom. [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Dad's right, Matt's family.
We've got to have each other's backs.
We've got to be all about love.
On the other hand, the little rat stole my scarf!
She is pinching me!
He's stepping on my foot!
MATT: Well, at least you're not stepping on my foot.
You weigh a ton.
Oh, you little weasel, I'll teach you to make fun of me.
Well, you don't have to teach me. I already know how to.
[IMITATING LIZZIE] Oh, I'm Lizzie.
-Notice me, Ethan. -[GRUNTS]
-Notice me, Ethan. -[LIZZIE GRUNTS]
[IMITATING LIZZIE] Ethan, Ethan!
-[INDISTINCT] -[MATT YELPS]
-Potatoes or stuffing? -Stuffing.
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
[SCHOOL BELL BUZZES]
My pimple-head brother actually eavesdropped on us
talking about Ethan Craft.
You should lock him in the basement, until he goes away to college.
He'll just ooze out through the pipes.
He made me sound like such a geek. Like, every time
I'm around Ethan, I turn into some, like, mindless zombie.
Uh, hey, Miranda.
-Hey, Ethan. -Uh, Lizzie.
Sup?
[STUTTERS]
Uh... [STUTTERING]
Say "hi." I-It's not that hard.
How you doing, Ethan?
Good morning. Yo, dog, what's crackculating?
[SQUEAKS] Hi, Ethan.
Great shirt.
Okay, good start.
Next time, just say it while he's still here.
MR. ESCOBAR: You know, kids, the other day,
I was feeling sorry for myself,
'cause I had no shoes.
Then, I met a man
who had no feet.
He had no feet?
How did that happen?
Was it a shark attack? I bet it was a shark attack.
Well, where'd you meet him?
Was it at a hospital? I mean, is he okay?
I really didn't meet a man with no feet...
Uh, then why did you tell us that horrible story?
I'm gonna have nightmares.
Yo, Miranda, don't sweat it.
It just means that there are people who don't have it as good as us.
-Oh. -[CHUCKLES]
Cute and smart.
Like Albert Einstein,
only without the Three Stooges' hair.
NARRATOR: Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
Strangely enough, Ethan seems to have grasped the point.
[ALL GIGGLE]
And we should help those less fortunate.
That's why I want you to be aware of this Saturday's charity drive.
And the proceeds are going to go to those less fortunate.
Asking for "Donations of canned goods,
"clothes and shoes."
Oh, so these kids have feet?
[SIGHS] Good.
There's a mini-golf tournament?
I could be the announcer.
Oh, great, I, I get extra credit,
I unload a ton of canned white fish.
It's like winning the lottery.
I just don't think I can do this.
I, I mean, I'm already buried under homework.
I need Saturday to get caught up.
Uh, yo, Mr. Escobar. Count me in for the tournament.
I can do this!
ANIMATED LIZZIE: And, I can impress Ethan.
I can come early.
And, I can be with Ethan.
And, bake a few dozen cookies.
And, I can hang out with Ethan.
Lizzie, helping out. I admire your commitment.
The, the,
the, th...
I just have to be able to talk to Ethan.
Th, th, tha-tha-tha...
Mom, do we have almond paste and raspberries,
so I can make marzipan meringue with fruit, um, ganache?
Uh-uh.
Well, what do we have?
This is supposed to be a kitchen.
We have chocolate chips.
That'll do.
What are you doing with my jersey?
I'm taking it to that charity thing.
Don't you know what that jersey is?
The drive!
John Elway marched his team
ninety-eight yards in two minutes to tie the game,
which they went on to win.
I was wearing this, when I watched it.
I didn't know it was so special.
Duh! Look. See that?
That's the stain from my cousin Ree Ree
where he high-fived me with a Philly cheese steak.
Hey, Lizzie, I learned a great new trick.
Take both ends of the rope.
-I don't want the rope. -Take the rope.
LIZZIE: I don't want the rope.
MATT: Take the rope.
I don't want the rope.
Take the rope!
I don't want the rope! Now get lost!
Guys! Lizzie, please don't yell at your brother.
And, Matt, you cannot make your sister do tricks with you.
Yes, I can.
[SCOFFS] What?
Okay. For my next illusion,
I need a volunteer. Oh, how about you, Miss?
Oh, sure. I volunteer.
You let me go, and I volunteer not to pound you into stew beef!
Sounds fair.
Abracadabra!
It didn't work.
Then get the key.
Oh. Key.
Right. [SIGHS]
-Where's the key? -What?
Don't make me stew beef.
I am sure I can find it.
LIZZIE: Where did
you leave it?
Ow. Maybe it's on the stairs.
Then go get it.
Where else could it be?
Don't worry, we'll find it.
-Spread out. -[SIGHS]
-What? -Ow.
So, when are you planning on telling them about the key?
I think they should stay handcuffed together.
They will learn they have to stop bickering,
get along with each other, or eat each other alive.
-Either way, we win. -[CHUCKLES]
[GROANS]
Now, come on, calm down.
Your dad is going to the magic store, to get a duplicate key.
-SAM: Back in a flash. -He'll get back, you'll get free.
I'm back.
Oh, yes, we're free.
Not exactly.
Dad, the key.
Where's the key?
They key, um...
Here is the thing about the key, there is no key.
What?
Well, the magic shop is closed. Um...
It's a magicians' holiday. Who knew?
See? Send an amateur to shop,
and that's what you get. Nothing.
But the good news is,
there's a joke shop in Stanton and I'm sure they got a ton of them.
Dad, I've got to be at the charity event
-in, like, two hours! -[YELLS]
Don't worry. I-I, it's not that far,
I'll be back in plenty of time for you and Mom to make it to your thing,
without Matt.
Hey, don't look at me.
I'd rather chew my hand off, than spend the rest of the day with you.
[SCOFFS]
Lizzie, there you are.
-Hey. -Hey.
Finally. Ethan's been asking about you.
[CHUCKLING]
Okay, honey, I'm gonna go check in over at the clothing donation table.
Have a good time.
Bye, Mom.
Lizzie, there's a little kid on your arm.
Oh, you noticed.
Start chewing.
Spare change for the needy kids?
Oh, thank you, sir. Mad props on that one.
Hey. So, how are you going to make this work?
Simple. I'm gonna wait here,
until my dad comes with the extra key.
Well, what if you see someone you know?
Plan B.
[GRUNTS]
Lizzie, Lizzie, Plan B, Plan B!
Uh, Lizzie, glad you can make it.
Hi, Ethan. How's the putting?
I start in a couple of minutes.
You want some popcorn?
Oh, no, thanks. I had a really big lunch, so...
-You want some? -Um, no.
[GROANS]
[CHOMPS]
Take all you want. I have plenty.
Mmm-hmm.
-[MUNCHES] -Um...
she really loves popcorn,
but she's allergic, so she can't have any.
[MUFFLED] Oof!
Good popcorn.
-It was good popcorn. -Yeah.
Ethan. In the tournament?
Bonne chance!
That's French for...
Oh, never mind.
Miranda? Lizzie?
Could you give me a hand hanging a banner?
Um, I'm-I'm really sorry, I'm really busy though.
Lizzie, I find it very vexing that you don't show more initiative.
I'd like to see you do that handcuffed to your little brother.
MIRANDA: That's okay, Mr. Escobar.
I'm sure you and I can get the banner hung.
-Attagirl. -Good luck.
[CHUCKLING]
[CAMERA CLICKS]
So, you think you'll win the tournament?
I hope so. I love helping kids out.
The thing is, my dad was out of work
for a couple years, when I was little,
so, I really know what it's like to not have a lot.
-Uh-huh. -Are you okay?
Um, f-fine. Just fine.
Um...
[MATT GRUNTS]
Um...just...
just a little nervous from all this excitement.
So, I-I think I better stay in here for a little while
and then I'll come out and watch you golf, okay?
Yeah. Okay.
See you there.
Ethan, I brought you a bottle of water, in case it gets hot outside.
Thanks, I got some mean competition out there.
Do you mind if I watch?
-No problem. -[CHUCKLES]
-[SCOFFS] -[YELPS]
What?
-[SIGHS] -Cool pictures. [CHUCKLES]
-Come on. -[YELPS]
Oh, thank you. Every bit helps.
Who wears these?
[PHONE RINGS]
-Hello. -hey, honey. We're here.
Hi. When would you like me to find the key?
Oh, I'd give it a couple of hours. You got a free day at home.
Well, whatever. Um, so, how are they doing?
Um... oh.
LIZZIE: Oh.
Matt.
Uh, I'd say they still have some things to work out.
You should see me on the Cyborg Battalion.
I own that game. [SIGHS]
Actually, I don't want to play.
I don't like that kid.
Why? What's wrong with him?
Hmm. Nothing.
He's just always telling stupid jokes,
and I get tired of pretending to laugh.
Come on, let's go watch the golf.
No! I can't.
I just told Ethan that I have to stay in here for a while.
I-If I go out there, he'll think I'm a complete baboon.
Trust me, there's a million other reasons
for him to think you're a complete baboon.
-[SCOFFS] -[DOORBELL RINGS]
Whoa!
[YELPS]
Keep the change.
Yeah, the game.
-[CHEERING ON TV] -Yeah.
Here we go, football.
-[CHEERING ON TV] -MAN: And here is the kick-off.
And over here, the legendary...
Ethan Craft lines up his putt on the par four third.
A seventeen-yard, dogleg left
with some serious trouble in the form of a bendy horseshoe shape.
"Say, now's a great time to enjoy an ice-cold cherry slush
"or zesty South Of-The-Border nachos.
"Cinco de My-Oh-my, they're good!
"Real cheese, fifty cents extra."
[APPLAUSE]
[CHUCKLES]
What?
Matt, why is that bad-joke kid throwing food at you?
What did you do to him?
I didn't do anything to him.
Oh, so he's just doing it 'cause he feels like it?
Picking on you for no reason?
Oh, my gosh.
He really does pick on you?
Yeah. So?
So. Nothing.
I just couldn't think of any reason
why anyone would want to pick on a great kid like you.
Maybe, it's 'cause you go around handcuffing people.
-Come on, let's go to the next hole. -[GRUNTS]
Maybe you don't hear so good!
Charity! You know what that means?
Hey, don't be walking away from me!
Man, this is dull.
Ethan Craft draws back his flat stick and rolls his rock.
It's on line, but, but, what's this?
King Tut's mummy has suddenly come alive and is stalking the gallery,
tearing the heads off of innocent spectators.
[THROUGH SPEAKERS]
And now the Mir Space Station is falling out of the sky.
Oh, the humanity.
Mercy! A-A piece of debris is heading right at me and I...
[CHOKES]
I'm gonna go get me some nachos.
Have a nice trip.
I see you girls stick together.
[SIGHS]
I am not in the mood!
I've got a teacher who thinks I am lazy.
I've got Kate Sanders sniffing around a guy I like!
I've got a stress pimple on my neck,
the size of a hockey puck
and I've got seventy pounds of useless fat, chained to my wrist!
So unless you want me
to force-feed you a set of golf clubs,
I'd suggest you get out of my face!
And, I mean it now, you rat-head, weasel-eyed punk! [CHUCKLES]
Come on.
Thanks.
I didn't do it for you.
I did it because no one gets to beat up on you but me.
Well, it was still kind of nice, in a twisted kind of way.
Well, I didn't need one more thing messing up my day.
I guess you do kind of have a lot of things going on.
Tell me about it.
I didn't think it'd be so difficult being a teenager.
Ugh, just wait till you find out about peer pressure,
and hygiene products,
and when Mom starts having "important" talks with you.
Sorry about the handcuffs thing.
If I had to spend the day with a dopey sister,
I'm glad it was you.
Thanks. If I had to spend the day with a dork-head brother,
you probably weren't the worst one.
KATE: Hi, Lizzie.
[CHUCKLES] It's true. You are wearing your brother as a charm bracelet.
Interesting fashion choice.
You know, you missed Ethan's hole-in-one.
Luckily, I was there to cheer for him.
I've got to get back there. He relies on my support.
-I don't like her. -Me neither.
I've got an idea.
Hey, Kate...
Want a macadamia nut?
-Um... -They're from Hawaii
-and Ethan loves them. -Okay, give me those.
[SCREAMING]
Oh. [LAUGHS]
Finally. There's a reason for Matt's existence.
Oh. Come on, let's get out of here.
[HUFFING]
SAM: Hey, kids.
I've got the key.
Yes!
[SIGHS]
-So, how'd the clothing drive go? -Oh, it went well.
And, if there are any kids who weigh 400 pounds who are needy,
then they'll be extremely well dressed.
-Yo, Lizzie. -Hi, Ethan.
-That's Ethan Craft? -Yeah.
So, I heard you won.
-That's great. -Thanks.
I heard you spent the whole day with your cool little brother.
I love that little guy.
Listen, a whole bunch of us are going now for pizza. You want to come?
-Lizzie? -Um,
you know what? You guys go ahead.
I've got a needy little kid I got to take care of.
Heywood!
You're roadkill!
Help me! Don't leave me here! Come on. Help me!
Help! Please. Someone!
Anyone, help me.
Please help me!
Come on. Help me. Someone!
Anyone! Please!
HILARY: Mark.
-[CHUCKLES] -MALE CAMERA CREW: Okay. Cut it.
[WHIMPERS]
Put Matt down, and step away from your brother... [LAUGHS] Sorry.
[LAUGHING]
-I would cut. Yeah. -[LAUGHS]
-Tho-tho-tho. -LALAINE: Tho-tho.
See? Send an amateur...
Did anyone order a rabbit?
That's it.
[BOTH LAUGH]
-That's it. [CHUCKLES] -[LAUGHS]
-MALE CREW MEMBER: Action. -That's it. I'm telling Mom and...
[LAUGHING]
MALE CREW MEMBER: Yeah, that's fine.
[GRUNTING]
[CHUCKLING] Wh-Okay, do we have a line
-anywhere? -What's going on?
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]