Did you know that there was cannibalism
in Trinidad and Tobago, until 1850?
There were a lot of pirates in that area, too.
They liked to drag their prisoners under their ship
across the razor-sharp coral reefs.
-On the other hand... -[GROANS]
...they invented barbecued food.
Are you hungry? I am hungry.
Gordo, I'm trying to finish
this article in time for this week's edition.
"School to schedule weekly movie night"
Did you know that motion pictures
weren't really invented by Edison,
like everybody thinks?
They were invented by William Friese-Greene...
...completely deaf.
And, he had eyebrows like, like out to here.
Gordo!
Sorry. I... I'll zip it.
[SCOFFS]
Wow! They're showing The Mummy?
Fine, Gordo. What'd you need to tell me about The Mummy?
-That I liked it? -Is that all?
And, that, when they made mummies,
they used to pull their organs out through their nose.
[SCOFFS]
Here's the movie night story, Mr. Lang.
I feel like I got a real handle on this journalism stuff.
I think this story lede's a real grabber.
So, for my next story,
I was thinking I could do the school play.
Mr. Escobar, the drama teacher, wrote it.
My best friend Miranda's auditioning for it.
She'll probably just get a small part.
So, I think I can cover that
all the way from auditions to opening night.
Bermuda!
I, um, beg your pardon?
Seven letter word for putting surface.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
I think Mr. Lang is way over journalism.
It seems like he'd rather be somewhere else.
So, I'll do the story on the play, then.
And, I'll have it for you after opening night.
There'll be, uh, reviews,
uh, details on the production...
Well, it'll just be all about the play.
Gordo? A little help here.
Well, apparently, the Egyptians
had this wooden hook that went right into the nose.
[SIGHS]
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
GORDO: You know, when you become a famous reporter,
I can come along, and take all the pictures.
Photographers get to wear stuff with lots of pockets.
I like that.
I don't think you'll be my photographer, Gordo.
I don't plan on doing any lingerie fashion shows
or swimsuit competitions.
Well, forget it, then.
-Oh, my gosh! Oh! -[GRUNTS]
-Oh, I'm sorry, Tudgeman.
[STAMMERS] I got it!
I didn't even try to, but I... I got it!
What'd you get? What'd you get?
The lead in the play.
I am gonna be the star of the school play!
Oh, that is so awesome! Congratulations!
I thought I'd get in the chorus
or-or paint the scenery or something.
But no, I got the biggest part!
That is so great!
I didn't know you were such a good actress.
To be honest, I didn't have any real competition.
Mr. Escobar wrote the play himself.
And it's set in the 1950s,
which is like, a million years ago.
And, none of the regular drama kids wanna do it.
They all wanna do something where they were supermodels
and NBA stars who turn to
crime-fighting, rapping robots.
Now, that's a great idea.
But, still, you're the star of the play.
You got the biggest part!
None of us have ever been in a play before.
I have. In the third grade grammar pageant.
I played the question mark.
Gordo, that might not help you get dates.
Okay, but, if you guys ever need help
looking confused, inquisitive...
or questioning, I'm your guy.
[SCOFFS]
Hey, Matt.
Lanny. How are you doing? Whatcha been up to?
Why do you bother?
You know he's not going to say anything.
I'm gonna get something out of him, watch.
So, Lanny, you wanna stick around for dinner?
'Cause, we're having Gammy McGuire's spareribs.
He can't. He has church choir practice tonight.
Besides, ribs give Lanny nightmares.
The walrus dream, right?
Right.
Hey, Mom can I have $3000 for a jet-ski?
Well, no.
Can I have $1000 for an electronic keyboard?
I don't think so.
MATT: All right.
I guess I'll just settle for $90 for walkie-talkies.
Matt, we are not giving you $90.
See, Lanny, I told you
they wouldn't fall for the start high, go low thing.
What do you need walkie-talkies for, anyway?
So me and Lanny can talk to each other at night,
and when we're on our way to school and stuff.
You know, your mom and I
aren't here just to give you money, Matt.
I know you're not just here to give me money.
You have to cook and wash my clothes
and do all that stuff, too.
What your father is trying to say is
that we work hard for our money.
So, if you want expensive things,
-you gotta earn 'em. -SAM: That's right, sport.
You want those walkie-talkies,
you're just gonna have to get out there and earn the money yourself.
Why?
MATT: Earn it yourself?
Where'd they come up with this stuff?
I mean, it's just so weird.
Okay, a nickel, two pennies,
a peppermint candy, and a bunch of nuts.
-[NUTS CLATTER] -I don't know what that is.
And, I think this is the turtle I lost three years ago.
Well, come on.
We better go start checking pay phones for change.
Okay. Places, everyone.
LIZZIE: After rehearsal, I'm gonna ask
Mr. Escobar a few questions.
How the play got started,
how he got the ideas for the show...
What's up with that blue scarf he always wears?
-[SHUSHES] -TRAVIS: Listen, Rhonda.
I gotta get out of this town.
My old man, he just doesn't understand.
Oh, Reb. Be strong for both of us.
Rhonda walks to the table...
...worried.
All right, okay, hold on a second, Miranda.
That was great.
Uh, we're on our way to the stars.
But, "Rhonda walks to the table worried"
it isn't dialogue, you actually do it.
It's...
Oh, Reb, be strong for the both of us.
And, you walk to the table, worried.
Uh, but, you don't have to say it.
[CLEARS THROAT] Oh, right, right. Uh, Mr. Escobar,
I just wanna thank you again,
for letting me be in this play.
A-acting is, like, the greatest thing I've ever done.
Wow, Miranda's officially in love with acting.
Maybe, when she's 30-years-old,
she can play a teenager on Dawson's Creek.
You're very welcome, Miranda.
Let's move on to the drag race scene, shall we?
Larry!
Care to join us?
[LAUGHS] It's Tudgeman!
Oh, Stingo, why does Reb do such dangerous things?
You're his best friend,
and I can't get through to him!
Why, oh, why won't he let me in?
How come this is so lame?
It's just rehearsal.
I mean, I'm sure the movie with the hockey-playing chimp
wasn't brilliant the first time hey ran through it.
It'll get better.
Yeah, right.
Can't you talk some sense into him, Tudgeman?
Um, I'm Stingo, remember?
Oh, can't you talk some sense into him, Stingo?
At least, I sure hope it gets better.
I can't believe that garage sale your parents had.
I never knew people would pay money for old junk.
I mean, that lady, with that
weird purple thing on her neck,
paid five dollars for a cookie jar shaped like an elf!
[SIGHS]
Hey, I think I'm thinking what you're thinking.
Sell my stuff.
I've got a room full of junk I could get rid of!
Then, we'll have the money for the walkie-talkies.
Here's to money!
Oh, sorry, Lanny, my bad. Here.
Miranda.
Hey! Oh, uh, I don't have much time.
Mr. Escobar makes us meditate before we go on.
[CHUCKLES] That outfit is so excellent.
Thanks. I'm gonna be a star!
And I'm gonna write about it!
-[CHUCKLES] -Here.
It's Cindy Loo-Moo.
Yeah, you gave her to me before soccer playoffs,
and it helped me score a goal.
So, now she's gonna bring you some good luck.
Thanks.
Gather round, kids.
Thanks, I gotta go.
Okay.
-Om. -STUDENTS: Om.
Is Miranda nervous?
No. I've never seen her so confident.
Here we go.
Yep.
Here we go.
-[VIDEO GAME NOISES] -[SNORING]
Hey, Reb, I heard you got expelled from school.
-Hey, it's Tudgeman! -TRAVIS: That's right, Stingo.
That lousy vice president, Mr. Birch
hasn't liked me since my family's moved west,
and I started here at Southeast Northfield High.
-[GORDO SCOFFS] -LARRY: Man, that's a gyp, Reb.
They should have launched him
into orbit instead of the astronauts, oh!
Oh, Stingo, you and your wisecracks.
Reb! Reb! Ow!
Now, that you've been expelled,
my father will never let me see you again.
I'll be re-stick-ted, stricted.
I-I'll be restricted!
My bad.
Um, and senior prom is two weeks away!
[CLATTERING]
MIRANDA: Reb! Reb!
-[VIDEO GAME NOISES] -[SNORING]
MIRANDA: How could you do that, Daddy?
You, you'll never understand Reb, because he's a wild mustang,
running free, as swiftly as the eagle,
on the prairie flying above us.
The wide open space...
[RETCHES]
So, I'm going with Reb.
Even if I have to drop out of school.
Guess, now I'll never be...
be, be...
"Valedictorian"
Wait for me, Reb!
Didn't get any better.
It's official. Miranda stinks.
Be careful with that box, Lanny.
I got a Celine Dion snow globe in there.
That's got to be worth at least five bucks to some yokel.
No, Lanny, I told you.
First, we're selling the books.
Then the toys, then the clothes.
And, then we'll sell the wagon.
Okay, you ready, Lanny?
Hey, Matt, Lanny.
Uh, is your sister here?
She's inside.
Hey! We're selling some of my old stuff.
Wanna buy anything?
Uh, I don't think so.
Okay, okay, I can do this.
I've got words in my head.
Come on, words, out of my head, out, out!
Ooh, Scranton.
That's a city in Pennsylvania.
What stinking good does that do me?
Hey, whatcha doing?
Hmm, the play review.
What's that?
Whee-lo.
[CHUCKLES] It doesn't have a wheel.
Yeah, I know.
That Lanny, he could sell ice to a polar bear.
So, how's the review coming?
Mm, great. Just great.
" Greasier Review, by Lizzie McGuire. Scranton"
Well, I-I-I, that really says it all.
I probably would've gone with Pittsburgh,
but you know me. I overstate things.
That's just doodling.
I can't bring myself to say that
-Miranda... -Stinks like a cab driver's armpit?
Gordo, I can't say that. She's my best friend.
I can't give her a bad review.
It's not a big deal.
Miranda's an actress.
She knows that, sometimes, you don't get good reviews.
Well, she's counting on me to support her.
She may be the worst actress in history,
and you're reporting on it.
You have to report the truth.
Well, I might have to report the truth,
but that doesn't mean I can't go easy on her.
Newcomer Miranda Sanchez
gives her best effort
as Rhonda in the school production of Greasier.
"Unfortunately, her best effort comes up short"
Comes up short?
Well, I said your clothes looked nice.
How could you do this?
You know how important this play is to me!
-I know, and I... -I can't believe it.
I thought you were my best friend.
Hey, Miranda. I got you some flan.
I know how much you like it.
Hey, don't slide away from me, Miss Thing.
I'm trying to be the nice one here.
Come on, Miranda.
I mean, I didn't mean for the review to hurt you.
Hey, I shouldn't even have to apologize,
Miss Queen of Stinky Acting.
I was just trying to do my job.
I thought that you would understand.
Oh, I-I understand.
I-I understand that you're just jealous,
that I'm the star of the school play,
and you are just a little reporter!
And, if you think, uh, tearing me down makes you bigger than me,
well, you're wrong!
Oh, you're a lousy friend!
Well, you're a lousy friend, too,
and a stinkbag actress!
Well, you're a lousy friend, too,
and a stinkbag actress!
Impressive.
[GASPS]
[FRIES SQUELCH]
[SIGHS]
Didn't go so well, huh?
Oh! Those are my fries!
[SIGHS] Brilliant observation, Gordo.
Miranda, wait up.
Don't even try to defend Lizzie, Gordo.
I don't have to.
This is a tape of your performance,
and this is the review Lizzie wrote.
Take a good look at 'em both.
MIRANDA: Oh, Reb, I've found you at last.
Don't move. I'm coming across this arcade and...
[CLATTERING]
Oops. Ow!
And, jumping into your arms and never letting go!
[TRAVIS YELPS]
Sorry.
MATT: Roger that, Lanny.
I'm exiting the kitchen, and heading upstairs.
We'll establish communications from there.
Matt, over and out.
[STATIC BUZZES]
Honey? Honey.
Where did you get the walkie-talkies?
I earned them, like you said.
Well, I gotta go.
Lanny got his stomach pumped,
and he's gonna tell me all about it.
How did he earn all that money?
And, what did Lanny eat?
So, even though they look like marshmallows,
they don't really taste like marshmallows?
That's good to know.
Well, Matt, over and out.
Talk to you later.
Hey, Matt.
What happened to all your things, honey?
Sold them.
And, you used the money for your walkie-talkie?
Uh, yeah.
Well, I gotta go downstairs and do my spelling homework.
Oh, yeah,
I don't have anything to wear tomorrow to school.
See ya.
What's it gonna cost to replace all his stuff?
-Uh... -Uh, right.
Yeah.
Let's not teach him anything else for a while.
-Okay? -Okay.
Hey, Mom. I think I'm gonna buy my lunch at school tomorrow,
so you don't have to pack me one.
Honey, this isn't for you.
This is for your dad's softball game.
[SCOFFS] You're going to Dad's softball game?
-Mmm-hmm. -But, he hardly even gets to play.
And, the only time he gets on the base,
is when he gets hit by a pitch.
Well, his team finally made it
to the semi-quarter consolation game, whatever,
and it's the best they've ever done,
so I figured, what the heck.
But, you don't even like softball.
Honey, it's not that I don't like it.
I hate it. It's very, very dull to watch,
and the bleachers are incredibly uncomfortable.
-Go! Go! -Y-Go!
-Yeah! Yeah! -Yeah!
Whoo!
Well, he didn't go to your blood drive.
Well, to be fair, he was working that day.
I thought he just didn't wanna go.
Well, if he did, I would still go to his game.
It's not about who owes who what.
If you love someone, you support them.
I hate this!
She's showing me how to be a better friend to Miranda,
and she doesn't even know she's doing it.
I think Mom might be a witch.
"In spite of the efforts of the rest of the cast,
"the entire play is dragged down
"by Miranda Sanchez's performance."
You... I...
We were on our way to the stars!
[SIGHS]
Places, everyone.
[SIGHS]
Miranda, I know you think I'm a terrible friend,
but, before you drop a spotlight on me,
I wanted to show you this.
It's running in the next issue.
It's a retraction of my review.
"Contrary to previous reports,
"Miranda Sanchez is very entertaining as Rhonda Dopopopolos."
I was wrong to run a bad review, and I'm really sorry.
No, you're wrong now.
I was terrible.
You were terrible?
I saw the tape of my performance.
Ugh! I-I even wrote a letter to the editor,
saying your review was too nice.
How can you write a retraction of the truth?
Because, you're my friend. And you love acting.
I couldn't just ruin that for you.
Well, thanks, but just because I'm a bad actress,
doesn't mean you should be a bad journalist.
Well, if I'd have known I was gonna make you feel that bad,
I would have never written a review.
Thanks, but if I'd known I was gonna stink so bad,
I-I would've never even done the show.
I'm sorry I got mad at you,
but let's face it, acting is not my thing.
LARRY: Whoo-hoo!
TRAVIS: Oh, Stingo, you and your wisecracks.
[TRAVIS CHUCKLES]
-Hey, maybe glee club? -Huh?
Oh, Stingo, you and your wisecracks.
Glee club. If I'm a bad actress,
-I have to be a good singer. -[CHUCKLES]
Glee club? Singing?
Oh, no!
Oh, Stingo, you and your wisecracks!
Oops. That's my cue.
[CHUCKLES]
Poor audience.
Reb! Reb! Ow!
-[CRASHES] -Ooh!
[CHUCKLES]
Singing. Just when you think
Miranda's hit bottom, she gets a shovel.
Look at me
I will never pass for a perfect bride
Or a perfect daughter
Can it be
I'm not meant to play this part
Now I see...
Hello, Mariah Carey.
She really found something she doesn't stink at.
Good for Miranda.
I bet, if I keep looking,
I can find a thing I'm really good at, too.
Somehow
I cannot hide who I am
Though I've tried
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
MALE CAMERA CREW: B mark.
I'm your guy.
[LAUGHING]
Brilliant observation, Gordo.
-[LAUGHING] -[CREW LAUGHING]
-Got it! -DIRECTOR: Cut.
Hey, don't slide away from... Ah!
Oops.
Om. Om.
-DIRECTOR: And, cut. -[ALL LAUGH]
I was just trying to do my job,
I thought you would understand.
Oh, I-I under... [CHUCKLING] I understand.
[ALL LAUGHING]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]