Honey, don't let that cloth get too close to that burner.
I know, Mother. [SIGHS]
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I know you're not a small child.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
Hello?
[SMACKS LIPS] Oh, hey, Debbie.
Well, if you can't babysit tomorrow night,
you can't babysit.
No, I'm not angry at you [LAUGHS] for calling me last minute.
Okay, bye-bye.
[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]
Why is Mom mad at the meat?
Oh, hi, honey. How was practice?
Zachary Greenwald accidentally fell on a sprinkler head
and had to get stitches.
It was really cool.
And Matt came very close to actually kicking the ball.
Didn't you, champ?
Oh, yeah.
[MOUTHING] No way.
[SMACKS LIPS] Oh, Debbie Gotchalk called.
She can't babysit tomorrow night.
Well, is there someone else we can get?
Oh, oh, don't get that Olivia Skibbit.
She makes us listen to Country-Western non-stop.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]
Not Mrs. Harvey. She smells dead.
[GRIM ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]
Well, we're not going for Tammy up the street, either,
'cause she makes more an hour than I do.
No way we're going with Mrs. Jaffy.
Who lets a ten-year-old boy drink an entire quart of maple syrup?
[MATT RICOCHETING OFF THE COUNTERS]
I liked her.
Well, we got to find somebody.
Um, well, I was thinking... I was thinking maybe I could...
[TIRES SCREECHING]
BOTH: Babysit?
Honey, we've talked about this.
You know, we just think you're...
You're too young. No.
[SCOFFS] When will I be old enough to trust? When I'm 50?
Maybe. We'll see.
Where's Mrs. Doubtfire when you need her?
Dad, no!
Mm. This isn't cheese, is it?
[SMACKING LIPS]
It's candle wax.
[LAUGHING]
[STUTTERS]
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
[BELL RINGING]
I think the perfect town would be 500 Hot Topic stores
and a ten-story shopping mall.
[SCOFFS] Design a model community,
including housing, hospitals, schools and police, and fire departments.
Police and fire departments.
Housing, hospitals and schools.
We'll call it Boringville, USA.
Where do they come up with these moronic assignments?
The Moronic Assignment Study Guide. It's like this thick.
-[MIRANDA SCOFFS] -Let me guess,
that's how tall Tom Cruise is.
[SCOFFS] Tom Cruise isn't short. He just has small bones.
Okay, Gordo. Imagine you live in a boring suburb,
where all the houses look alike and everybody's predictable.
I do live in a boring suburb
where all the houses look alike and everyone's predictable. Thank you.
Okay, but if you could pick any business
you wanted on Main Street, what would it be?
A bookstore containing the works of Navajo and Greek philosophers.
A coffee house where people only discuss music and politics.
A 1,000-foot water slide ending in a swim-up counter
where they serve free deep-fried pizza,
and Tyra Banks would be the mayor.
I've given this a lot of thought.
Hey, Gordo, do you know where the nearest Software Shack is?
Yeah, it's over on Collins Street.
Would they have that software
that designs cities and towns and stuff?
You mean CyberTown Maker? They should.
Okay. Kate, we're supposed to do this assignment ourselves.
Whatever.
You're supposed to use your imagination.
Not have some computer do it for you.
Gordo, why didn't you tell me there was a program like that?
Well, it costs 60 bucks. I don't think you can afford it.
Hello! I babysat twice last week.
-[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING] -But my nails are wet.
-[BABY WAILING] -[FIRE ENGINE SIREN WAILING]
Twenty, forty, sixty.
Oh, look! I have more. [CHUCKLES]
Kate babysits?
Since when does Kate babysit?
Ugh, why don't they just make her Queen of the World,
and be done with it?
Babysitting sounds like a pretty sweet gig.
Why don't you do it?
[CHUCKLES] I don't babysit.
I get babysat.
MRS. HARVEY: Coochie-coo!
And plus, babysitting jobs are hard to get.
Parents want to make sure you're "mature enough."
Well, I guess Kate, sort of, does give off some visual signals,
which imply a biologically nurturing capability.
We get it, Gordo. She's stacked.
Yes. Yes, she is.
[SCOFFS] I don't get it. I mean, I'm just the same age as Kate.
I'm just as mature as she is. I'm responsible.
And I want to babysit!
Absolutely not.
But Kate Sanders babysits.
[GASPS] She does?
[SIGHS]
Uh, I mean, she-she does, huh?
Yes. And you haven't found a sitter for tonight.
And you expect me to ride a bus to school all by myself.
Why can't you trust me to babysit?
[SIGHS] Hmm.
-I think I'm getting a nibble here. -[WATER SPLASHING]
Maybe she has a point.
And Miranda can help me.
She watches her baby sister after school.
-[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING] -[BABY WAILING]
[GAGS]
Sweetheart, you're just not ready yet. This is a big responsibility.
Uh, you've always told me I can do,
[IMITATES JO] "Anything if I set my mind to it, honey."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] And I've set my mind to this. I can do it.
We do say that, Sam.
-[WATER SPLASHING] -Ooh,
I'm really getting a nibble here.
But Matt can be quite a handful.
Matt! What would you do if Lizzie babysat you?
REPORTER: [ON TV] In Sports International...
I don't know. Watch TV, I guess.
-Thank you for the help, pal. -[JO SIGHS]
[SIGHS] All right, maybe we can give this a try.
[JUBILANT MUSIC PLAYS]
[SQUEALS] Thanks, Dad.
[CHUCKLES]
It means a lot to me that you can trust me.
I'll do a great job.
[SIGHS]
Okay, the Coco Rocks box will be City Hall.
I just ate the Mayor.
[CHUCKLES] It'll go right there.
Lizzie, I added some numbers to the emergency phone list.
Also, I've moved all the cleaners out from under the kitchen sink.
And whatever you do, do not open the door for anybody.
And I won't follow the trail of breadcrumbs
to the Gingerbread Witch's house.
Dad, don't worry.
-[SIGHS] -[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hey, Gordo.
Hi, Mrs. McGuire.
My parents said I could come over if that's okay with you.
Oh, sure. But Lizzie and Miranda are babysitting Matt,
so I don't know how much fun you're gonna have.
Oh, I know. I'm not about fun. I'm about the green.
-Lizzie? -Money.
I'm gonna earn my money indoors,
sitting on a sofa, eating someone else's popcorn.
Hey, that's mine.
Lizzie, Matt's bedtime is nine o'clock.
Yes, Dad, I know.
Dad, listen, everything's under control.
I've got it all handled, okay?
Okay, now, both our cell phones are charged
and we're trusting you, Lizzie.
Whoa, can I hear that again?
Both our cell phones are charged?
No, no, no. The other part.
We're trusting you.
Yeah, that.
Ta-da! After 13 years, trust.
Thanks, Dad.
-Okay. -[LIZZIE CHUCKLES]
Wow, for the first time in my life, I'm in charge.
I'm the ranking adult in the house. I'm Queen of the World!
Alone at last.
I don't see why you have to muscle in on babysitting, Gordo.
This is how we make money.
Why should girls have a monopoly on babysitting?
Because boys have a monopoly on burping the Pledge of Allegiance.
We deserve some kind of monopoly.
Hey, I love that game. I want to be the race car.
Tough luck. You're going to watch Willy Wonka.
I've seen that ten times. I want to be the race car.
Well, we've got homework.
If you'll be patient, we'll maybe play later, okay?
[SIGHS] All right.
-[MATT SPRINGING] -MATT: Race car, race car, race car...
Race car, race car, race car...
-Anyone got any ideas? -MATT: ...race car!
-Sorry. -I got nothing.
[IMITATES CAR REVVING] Race car! Race car!
There you go, Mr. and Mrs. McGuire. Your regular table.
Thank you, Mrs. Shin.
Haven't seen you since the Year of the Tiger.
Yeah, well, it's really hard to get a reliable babysitter.
Well, glad to have you back. I'll be back with some wontons.
Thank you.
-Sam, would you please relax? -Hmm?
It's one night out. Lizzie can handle it.
[SIGHS]
I mean it. Everything's going to be fine.
This had better come out of the carpet, Matt.
What'd you give him grape juice for? I told you ginger ale.
At least ginger ale isn't purple.
Grape juice was the only thing that would shut him up.
He won't do a thing you say.
[SCOFFS] Matt, go upstairs, change your shirt and get cleaned up.
-Now. -No.
See?
Zip it!
Why should I? He won't.
Matt, starting right now,
you do everything I tell you or I'll tell Mom and Dad.
Nuh-uh. You want Mom and Dad to think you're a good babysitter,
so you're going to say things went great.
Then I'll squash you like a bug instead.
Then I'll tell Mom and Dad.
Face it. I'm in charge here.
No. I am in charge here.
Matt, what do you say we go upstairs, and find you a clean shirt?
Okay.
[LIZZIE GASPS, SCOFFS]
How come he does what you say?
Well, I'm an older male. He's impressed by me.
Well, I'm in charge here,
and he's supposed to do what I say, not what you say.
Who cares who says to do it? He needs a new shirt.
He's as sticky as the floor of a movie theater.
Matt, don't lean there!
I'm stuck.
Get off. Matt!
Gosh, it is so nice being out, just the two of us for a change.
Yep. Nice.
-Sam? -Hmm?
You're turning your chopsticks into toothpicks.
Want to settle down? You're fidgeting.
No, I'm not.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
Okay, look, I just think it was a mistake,
leaving Lizzie in charge. She's only 13.
Yeah, well, she's 13, but I mean, she never gets in trouble at school.
She gets there and back all by herself.
I think she's the only one in the house
who knows how to make the picture-in-picture work.
Yeah, but she sleeps until noon on the weekends.
She uses the picture-in-picture
to watch MTV and cartoons at the same time.
I got to go check on her.
[GASPS] No, you do not.
Do you know how much it meant to her that you trusted her?
Okay, I'll tell you what. I'll just sneak in, look in a window.
She'll never even know I'm there.
Okay. If I let you go,
do you promise me that you'll come right back here
and eat your meal in peace?
Yeah.
Okay.
But she'd better not know you're there.
I swear, she will never forgive you.
Okay!
[SIGHS] And I won't forgive you till she does.
Look! It holds up newspaper.
Cut it out, Matt.
Look! It holds up Mom's cat calendar.
Gordo, can you get him to quit that?
-You're in charge, you do it. -Could you at least help?
You didn't come over here to watch TV on the couch.
Fine. I'll watch TV in your room.
Miranda, get me more paper towels.
Pass. I'm building a ten-story shopping mall for Mirandaville.
Well, Mirandaville doesn't need a ten-story shopping mall.
We need a hospital.
Fine. I'll go drink some orange juice, and make a mall out of that.
Fine! Nobody help me do anything.
Look! It holds up Dad's briefcase.
I'll just handle everything by myself.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
Um, I may need a little help here.
I hate it when Dad's right.
[WHISPERS] What's that? [GASPS] I'm scared.
[IMITATES MONSTER] "Look at me, I'm a monster!"
[MOCK LAUGHS]
[IMITATES COLE SEAR] "I see dead people."
Cut it out, Matt.
[CHUCKLES]
[DOOR RATTLES]
Ugh! That stinks.
It's vanilla. It's soothing.
Works like a charm.
Ugh. Who's burning garbage?
I'm trying to get some light in here,
and if you're not going to help me, you can at least hush up.
Don't tell us to hush up. We're not babies.
[LIZZIE] You're acting like babies.
It's a shame there isn't a decent babysitter around.
I'm sure there'll be a decent babysitter around next time,
'cause I obviously can't handle it.
[GRUNTS]
[GASPS] What was that?
Do you think it's a burglar?
[STAMMERS] Nah. It's probably just a raccoon.
They root around in the trash and stuff.
Yeah, probably just a raccoon.
[STAMMERS] Let's make noise, just in case.
[SINGING RAUCOUSLY] My country, 'tis of thee
Sweet land of liberty
Of thee, I sing
[STAMMERS] I'm gonna go and flip the circuit breaker,
so we can play some loud music. Real music.
[BOTH SCOFF]
[COUGHING]
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
[HOARSELY] Hello?
What is taking so long?
Uh, all the curtains are shut,
and I can't see in the house. [COUGHING]
Okay. Just get in there,
pretend you forgot your wallet,
make sure they're okay and get right out.
[HOARSELY] Gotcha. [COUGHS]
What's wrong with your voice?
Uh... [CLEARS THROAT]
[HOARSELY] Lawn gnome.
[LOUD MUSIC PLAYING]
[EXHALES]
You think it went away, right?
A raccoon wouldn't stick around through that racket.
-[SCREAMS] -[GASPS]
A raccoon wouldn't do that either.
[IN A HOARSE VOICE] Kids, open up! It's me.
It is a burglar. Matt!
Lizzie!
[YELLING]
-[BONES CRACK] -[SCREAMING]
That ought to drive him away.
Lizzie! [BREATHES HEAVILY] I'm really scared.
It's okay.
I'm not going to let anything happen to you, okay?
We're gonna call the police.
[SIGHS]
You know, I have a cousin. Knows how to treat a lady.
Oh, Mrs. Shin, my husband didn't leave me.
I mean, he left me, but, you know, he didn't leave me.
Oh, yeah, you're keeping your chin up.
Brave, [SIGHS] brave little soldier girl.
[GONG SOUNDING]
-[GRUMBLING INDISTINCTLY] -[DIALING]
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
-Hello? -[HOARSELY] It's me.
It's him.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
I'm at home.
He knows that we're alone.
[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]
SAM: Come on, kids.
[ALL SCREAMING]
It's worse! He's at the door.
Gordo, Miranda, get the train transformer.
Now!
[GRUNTING AND SHUDDERING]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
[GRUNTING]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
[GRUNTING]
[RASPING] Lawn gnome.
[PANTING HEAVILY]
You can babysit for me anytime.
Let's get through tonight first, okay?
-[SCREAMS] -[GASPS]
[GASPS] Gordo, get the train.
Miranda, fill the paint can with flour, now! Come on, come on.
[LAUGHS] Yeah!
That was some fast popsicle eating, Matt.
[PANTING] Thanks.
I have a major brain freeze.
[TRAIN HORN TOOTING]
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]
Dad?
You guys have to trust me.
You have no idea how much that hurts.
Oh, my gosh.
Your poor father.
[GROANS IN PAIN]
We are so in trouble.
[GROANS, GRUNTS]
He was supposed to trust me.
Well, if he was spying on you,
and I admit, it does look like he was, I think he suffered enough.
[POLICE CAR SIREN WAILING]
OFFICER: [OVER SPEAKER] Sir, put your hands on your head
and don't move.
[POLICE RADIO CRACKLING]
I'm telling you, officer, I live here. My kids are inside.
I just came home to check on 'em.
Yes?
Hello, young lady. Is this man your father?
I don't know. Why would my father be sneaking around
in the bushes late at night?
Maybe that means he doesn't trust me.
Lizzie...
It's my father.
Good night, sir.
And by the way, your lawn gnome's broken.
You were supposed to trust me.
Yes, we were,
and we didn't stick to our word, and we were wrong.
They're admitting they were wrong? What?
Call the news crew. Film at 11:00.
It's not that I don't trust you, sweetheart.
I guess, I [SIGHS] still just think of you as the six-year-old girl
that used to need me to chase the monsters out of her closet.
I guess I have to get used to the fact
that you're not that little girl anymore.
You're becoming a young lady, and I have to let you act like one.
[CHUCKLES] So I can go on a real date?
No.
-Will you teach me how to drive? -No.
Can I dye my hair?
-No. -Well, what can I do?
You can babysit Matt next Saturday night.
Yeah.
So the more responsibility I ask for,
the more responsibility I get stuck with.
That stinks, I think.
-MAN: Mark. -LIZZIE: That'd be so cool.
[LAUGHING]
[GIGGLES]
[GRUNTING]
Ow!
Wow, for the first time in my life, I'm in charge.
I'm the ranking adult in the house. I'm Queen of the World!
MAN: Okay, we got it.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]