MR. PETTUS: Good morning, everyone.
Are you sure we're not getting graded on this?
Chill, it's not a real test.
There're no right and wrong answers.
Just put down what you feel.
-[SIGHS] I feel... -[SQUELCHES]
Gum.
How we feel?
Doesn't that sound a little New Age-y?
Ooh, do I smell incense?
What's the test for?
It's supposed to tell you what might be a career for you.
Okay. Bring it on.
As long as one of the choices is backup singer,
[CLICKS TONGUE] I'm gold.
Just as long as it's not some kind of stealth pop quiz.
Mr. Pettus can slice and dice a frog in formaldehyde
faster than you can say, "Benihana!"
The downside is, he gets kind of wigged out
about all the homeroom paperwork.
Test... Here we go.
Test Bubble Procedure.
Do not use a "check mark" or an "x",
fill in the bubble completely.
We've been "test bubbling" since, like, kindergarten.
Why do we need the instructions every time?
They expect us to know the square root of 162,
but don't think we can remember how to fill in a circle.
Save your cleverness for your project, Mr. Gordon.
Begin!
-[THUDS] -Ow!
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
Look at 'em.
Poor suckers all think they'll be the next Bill Gates,
when in reality, odds are,
they'll be manning the hair scrunchy cart at the mall.
-[SCOFFS] -I like hair scrunchies.
Gordo, you don't have to worry.
You'll be able to do anything you want after college.
You get straight A's.
Not in science.
Mr. Pettus has been giving me B's all semester.
But science is one of your best subjects.
Oh, come on, they're all your best subjects.
They were. My straight A streak's over.
-Hold up. -[TIRES SCREECH]
Can I have a minute to process?
I mean, if Gordo doesn't even get an A in science,
what hope is there for the rest of us?
You don't have to worry.
Mr. Pettus is giving me B's because he hates me.
Why would he hate you?
[CHUCKLES] Did he ever find out
you put that dead frog in his pocket?
-No, it was alive when I did it. -[FROG CROAKS]
But I don't think that's it.
It's got to be something about me.
Okay, truth.
If there was some gross abnormality
I had that Mr. Pettus hated,
you'd tell me, right?
BOTH: Like what?
Well, an infected pimple
or a deformed twin growing out of my shoulder.
-Or a unibrow? -BOTH: Ew.
The Career Aptitude Test is supposed to tell you
what career would be good for you.
I took that test.
You did?
SAM: Oh, sure. We both did.
Your mom was supposed to be a rock 'n' roll diva
with a world-renowned shoe collection.
You gave all that up for us, Mom? Way to prioritize.
Yeah, don't you forget it.
Matt, two minutes, I'm gonna compost your dinner.
When I took that test,
it showed I have untapped mechanical ability.
Yeah, so explain to me how come the new microwave cart
is not assembled yet.
[WIND BLOWING]
Rome wasn't built in a day,
and I'm sure that Rome came with all the pieces.
-[CHUCKLES LIGHTLY] -Okay,
I have an announcement.
All right, son. Go ahead.
I don't want to be called Matt anymore.
From now on, I'm M-Dogg.
[LAUGHING]
-Lizzie. -Lizzie.
[GIGGLES]
All right, why don't we talk about this, buddy?
Why are you so down on Matt?
Yeah, I love your name.
Yeah, 'cause you picked it.
-Lizzie. -Lizzie.
Well, Matt's all right,
it's just, there's four guys in my class named Matt.
And I just want to stand out.
M-Dogg just feels more... me.
I knew we should've named him Dylan.
There are seven Dylans.
Matt. Don't you think M-Dogg is a little too...
Um, lame.
Uh, Lizzie.
Lizzie! I'm not gonna tell you again!
I guess, three times is tonight's quota.
Matt, don't you think that M-Dogg
might be a little too different?
Well, that's what I'm going for.
Something cool, something street,
something different.
What about an Indian name like Dances With Wolves?
Like what?
How about, Falls Off His Razor or Still Wets the Bed?
Mom! Dad!
BOTH: Lizzie!
Come on, you guys,
my bangs are growing out faster than you're moving.
Why are you in such a hurry to get to science anyway?
[SNIFFS]
-I still smell like frog. -[FROG CROAKS]
I wanna see what I got on my dolphin paper.
Uh, I don't need to see my paper.
Bet I get another B.
Gordo, everyone knows you're, like,
the Tiger Woods of term papers.
I'm sure you're looking at an A.
You guys just don't get it.
It doesn't matter how good my work is.
Mr. Pettus just hates me.
Oh, come on, Gordo.
Have you ever had a teacher just not like you?
Well, things were kind of rocky with Ms. Stokes in kindergarten
after I threw up on the magic-circle story rug.
-[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING] -KIDS: Ew!
LIZZIE: Oh, my gosh, the test was, like, horrible.
[GASPS] Oh, yay!
[GASPS]
Yes! A B-Plus, that's what I'm talkin' about.
My Dolphin paper?
Okay, the margins were a little wide.
But it had to be at least four pages.
Go ahead, ask me what dolphins eat.
[SCREAMS]
Okay, this is what I'm talking about.
Gordo, this is amazing.
Not really. I left out all the stuff
about the Coriolis effect.
I figured, why bother for a lousy B.
That grade has to be a mistake, this is an A-Plus paper.
Maybe if it had your name on it.
If it had my name on it,
it'd be called, Our Friend, The Ocean.
Matt? Matt?
Matt!
-M-Dogg? -[TIRES SCREECH]
Mom wants you.
Yo, Moms, watch out.
You're not going to school like that.
Go upstairs and change into something
less Barnum and Bailey.
Word.
Can I at least wear my do-rag?
Uh, I don't think Snoop wears cranberry.
Just go and change before you're late for school.
Jo, I was backing the car out
and I spotted this on our son's bike.
[CHUCKLES] We are so in over our heads.
We cannot be in over our heads. We're the parents.
Well, I'm open to suggestions.
-You know, I... -BOTH: Not from you.
[MUMBLES]
This week we begin our unit on the human brain.
Projects are due on the seventh.
Students who wish to receive extra credit
are encouraged to sign up for my brain-swap experiment.
[CHUCKLES]
[CLEARS THROAT]
[YAWNS]
Lame as that joke was,
I always make it a point to go along with it
when teachers try to get a laugh. [LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
Before we begin, I have the results
of your Career Aptitude Tests.
Gordo, I've been thinking about what I want to do
since we took that test and I realized, I have no clue.
I thought you wanted to be a veterinarian.
Hello? I was seven. I also pretended I was a horse.
[HORSE NEIGHING]
LIZZIE: I want an interesting job
that lets me live in a nice place, travel a lot,
and still have plenty of time for the twins.
[BABIES CRYING]
-Twins? -It could happen.
Mm... Maybe you could, um, marry into a royal family.
Okay, forget everything else I said about a career.
Whatever I decide to do, I wanna make a lot of money.
I thought you were all about following your passions.
One of my passions is money. [CHUCKLES]
Okay, I'm going to be...
A Navy SEAL?
[MARCHING BAND PLAYING]
Cosmetologist?
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
[SCREAMING]
Blackjack dealer?
[SLOT MACHINE RINGING]
What a day.
I flunk the unflunkable test,
my science teacher hates me,
and I'm gonna be a Blackjack dealer.
-[COMICAL MUSIC PLAYING] -[SLOT MACHINE RINGING]
-I'd rather be a horse. -[HORSE NEIGHING]
Okay, there is no way I'm gonna be a Navy SEAL.
A, you have to get your hair wet.
B, you have to get up early.
And C, you have to get your hair wet.
Hmm, cosmetologist, I never really thought about it.
Although, I do have a flair for French braiding hair.
Yes, you do.
Did I mention I'm not getting my hair wet for a living?
Hey, Monica and Rachel,
can we talk about something besides hair?
Like, why I am supposed to be a Blackjack dealer?
"Our Friend, the Brain."
Ugh!
[SOFTLY] Come on.
Ugh!
Typical. The marker always runs out when you're almost done.
One of the laws of science projects.
Another one says,
"You can never find the scissors when you need them."
[CLATTERING]
Hey, Matt. Matt, do you have any more markers?
[RAP MUSIC PLAYING OVER HEADPHONES]
Matt!
MATT: There's no one here named Matt.
Fine, yo, M-Dogg, hook me up with another marker.
Nope.
You called me you-know-what.
You punked me.
Now, you must pay.
Okay, Matt, I'm not joking,
I have to finish my science project.
Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.
M-Dogg, if you don't want your little homies to know
that you sleep on geeky action hero sheets,
-hand over that marker. Pronto. -[MUSIC STOPS]
[SNORING]
Much love, bro. [KISSES] Peace.
M-Dogg!
We're waiting for you to start the video.
Yo, M-Dogg,
there's a place right here for you on the couch, buddy.
Okay, what's the deal?
Why are you all calling me "M-Dogg?"
Oh, we decided as family to honor your decision.
-Really? -Really.
Except, from now on, instead of Dad,
you'll refer to me as DD.
And you'll call me Mew-Mew.
At all times. We're and Mew-Mew.
Just like when you were two
and you were trying to say Mommy and Daddy.
-It was so cute. -[CHUCKLING] Cool.
All the time?
Not just in the house? But in front of my friends and stuff?
Aw, man, [CLICKS TONGUE] no fair.
Why can't I just call you Mom and Dad again?
Well, we just made a choice.
Just like you. Oh, [SHUSHES], movie's starting.
-But what if... -[BOTH SHUSHING].
MAN: [ON TV] And now, for our feature presentation...
[RINGING]
Hello?
Hey, how's your, uh, brain project coming?
Ugh, just finished. How's your project?
Great. I really got into it,
and it's the best thing I've done all semester.
Now, what does that mean to you, Lizzie McGuire?
Um, nothing?
No, it means you're gonna turn in
my project with your name on it.
I can't stand the thought of doing
all this work and getting a lousy B.
So I want you to turn it in and get the A-Plus it deserves.
Beep, beep, beep. Okay, back it up here.
You want me to put my name on your project?
Yeah, you might wanna bring a seven-volt battery
and any extra insulated wiring you have lying around.
Uh, right. Okay, Gordo,
so does this mean you're gonna turn in my project?
Sure.
Gordo, I don't know if I'm up for this.
I'll have to think about it. I'll talk to you tomorrow.
[STUTTERS] Bu... But...
Hey, Lizzie, let me see your brain project.
Oh.
Hmm, fancy.
I don't know how this brain science
is gonna help me achieve natural looking highlights.
For my clients at the salon.
Yeah, well, I figured out a way
to get out of the whole Navy SEAL thing.
From now on, if anyone asks, I can't swim.
Oh, come on, Miranda. We took lessons together.
There are witnesses.
You wouldn't get back in the water
till they made Shelly Grossbart stop having
-accidents in the pool. -[BOTH LAUGHING]
[SCREAMING]
Okay, I can swim
but the Navy doesn't have to know that.
Capisce?
Hey, guys.
Where's your project?
Oh, it was too big to fit in my lockers,
so I stashed it in the custodian's closet.
-[CHUCKLES] -This must be some project.
Well, some people might think so.
Others may only give it a B,
but what difference does it make?
I don't need straight A's,
I'm just gonna be a Blackjack dealer.
You only have to count to 21.
[SCOFFS] Fine, you win. I'll switch projects with you.
You will? Oh, excellent. Come on, follow me.
Man, Gordo. This is one cool project.
What's this about you guys switching?
Gordo doesn't think Mr. Pettus
will give his masterpiece the grade it deserves.
But if Lizzie hands in my little beauty...
[KISSES]
Do you guys feel a blast of Arctic wind
from Sweden where they hand out the Nobel Prize?
Now you're scaring me.
Okay, let's switch 'em and turn 'em in
before I change my mind.
Okay, look, each of these buttons
turns on a section of the brain.
Be sure that you only turn on one section at a time.
-Why? -'Cause it'll overheat.
And what happens if it overheats?
I don't know, but it can't be good.
Lizzie, do you really think that Mr. Pettus
is gonna buy that you built that?
Why wouldn't he? I mean, my name's on it.
[GASPS] A C?
That chart is definitely a B-Plus.
I should know, I get B's in everything.
Get a grip, you don't get the C. I do.
It could've been me.
Miss McGuire, this is by far the best work
you've done in class all semester.
I'm impressed by how much you've applied yourself.
This is what an A-Plus looks like, people.
ANIMATED LIZZIE: Suddenly it occurs to me,
maybe I haven't thought
this whole switching projects thing through.
Are you considering a career in neurology?
Neurology?
How about cosmetology?
This brain is mine. Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.
I built it, every lobe, every fissure.
Me, yo, moi,
while everyone else was at the waterpark,
trading Beanie Babies,
I was slaving away like Igor. And I can prove it.
If you touch this button, the temporal lobe lights up.
See, the temporal lobe controls your sense of hearing.
I have great hearing.
I know this, because I'm the only one
in this class who hears your lectures.
Now, hold on.
And this one turns on the occipital lobe.
The occipital lobe controls your sense of sight.
Because of this lobe, you saw someone else's name on my project
and gave away my A-Plus to Madge, the cosmetologist, over there.
[GASPS] Hey!
And this area is the frontal lobe.
The frontal lobe controls
higher intellectual functions and reasoning.
For example, right now my frontal lobe is telling me
that I'm getting the shaft in this class,
that I'm not getting the grades I deserve.
It's telling me that The Man is trying to keep me down
and that everyone is against me.
Your brain is heating up.
No, not your brain, your brain model.
Oh... [STUTTERS] That's probably because
I... I didn't have a big enough capacitor
and, uh, all the lobes aren't supposed to be on at the same time.
[GASPS]
[LIZZIE GASPS]
Class dismissed.
Not you.
Chop-chop, Ms. McGuire.
We'll talk about your plagiarism later.
Plagiarism?
That's what it's called when you turn in someone else's work
and try to call it your own.
[STAMMERING] But I didn't... I didn't do it. I didn't mean it.
I was... I was... I was just trying to help a friend.
[SIGHS]
Um... [CHUCKLES]
Is it too late to take the Fifth? [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
[SIGHS]
I can't hear a thing.
I... I can't either.
Hey, hey, maybe we could hear through that.
-Give me a boost. -Okay.
[LIZZIE GRUNTS]
Look, Mr. Pettus, it was my fault
that Lizzie McGuire handed in my project.
I was just trying to prove that it's impossible for me
to get a fair grade from you.
Is that what you think?
Did you just miss my one-man show?
All right, Gorda. It's clear that...
Gordo. Gorda's the big girl from ESL.
Okay. [CLEARS THROAT]
I may misspell your name,
but I know your first project this year was an A-Minus.
The Rainforest Terrarium.
My first and only A-Minus.
Yes, because your second project wasn't quite good.
And neither was the one after that.
[STUTTERS] I'm sorry, I just didn't see the point
in breaking my neck all year, and not getting an A.
You're supposed to be "breaking your neck."
I've been givin' you B's to keep you
from just sitting back and coasting.
I've not been coasting.
I worked two weeks straight on that brain project.
You see? My technique's working.
[GRUNTING] You're not tall enough.
Maybe you're not tall enough.
Maybe I have your life in my hands.
Good point. Stretch!
I don't usually pull this sort of stunt.
But Gordo's in trouble, and it's partly my fault.
And when I was younger, I did climb a pretty mean tree.
[GRUNTING]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.
-[YELLS] -[GRUNTS]
-[BOTH SCREAM] -[THUDS]
So, if I'd put my name on the brain,
what grade would you have given me?
Well, I'd have to [SIGHS]
take points off for the explosion.
-[BREATHES DEEPLY] -Understood.
But it's still an A-Plus.
I know a student's best work when I see it.
[GRUNTS] This is insane!
Make of it what you will.
[STUTTERS] If you think bad grades motivate me,
then why didn't you just expel me?
Maybe then I'd get my PhD.
If you had a student with the potential to do anything,
how would you keep them motivated?
Potential to do anything?
You, uh, may wanna rethink that.
According to the Career Aptitude Test,
I'm just gonna be a blackjack dealer.
Listen, when I took that test,
the result said I was, uh,
most suited for a career
in animal husbandry entertainment.
What kind of career is that?
Do you know what a rodeo clown is?
-[COMICAL MUSIC PLAYING] -[COW MOOING]
[CHUCKLES] Oh.
Look, Mr. Gordon,
I'm not trying to limit you
to dealing Blackjack or getting B's,
I'm hoping your reach will always exceed your grasp,
thereby elevating you, and fulfilling your extraordinary potential.
Even outside the gaming industry.
-[CHUCKLES] -[SIGHS]
Let me get on your shoulders.
Oh, good. After our last try,
the smart thing to do is climb even higher.
-Yes. Come on. -[GRUNTS ANGRILY]
Okay. [GRUNTS] Stretch.
[GRUNTING] Got it.
-Hi. -[BOTH SCREAM]
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Hey, Gordo.
What's up?
[BOTH PANT]
So, what happened, are you getting an F?
I'm not sure. But Mr. Pettus doesn't hate me.
And I can probably get an A by the end of semester.
My lobes hurt. I need to think about this.
Oh, and by the way, we were wrong about the Career Aptitude Test,
it's not a job placement thing.
We're just supposed to be trying a lot of different stuff on.
Trying what on?
I think it's like, when you go to the mall
to try on bare mid-riff stuff
that you know your mom will never let you get,
but you have to try it on just to see how it looks?
You know, to get it out of your system.
I have to say, I'm relieved.
I'm not gonna rule out cosmetologist,
but it's nice to know my options are still open.
Plus, hairspray kinda makes me dizzy.
M-Dogg, honey,
do you see your father wearing a baseball cap to the table?
No. So, at the table, your do-rag is a don't-rag.
Please take it off until after dinner.
Thank you.
M-Dogg, cheese me, please?
Could you pass the garlic bread, please, Dad?
I mean, pass the bread, please, DD?
Oh, sure, M-Dogg. Yo, bread.
[SIGHS SOFTLY]
Lizzie, marinara?
Hey, guys.
Hey! Stop! Hey!
If I take back my old name,
can I call you Mom and Dad again?
-Absolutely. -Yes.
Then, I guess you can call me Matt.
I give Mom and Dad props for that one.
They convinced Matt to take back his name without humiliating him,
and the whole time, they respected his "boundaries" as an individual.
As my mother likes to say, "Matt was blissfully clueless."
Which is kind of what Mr. Pettus was doing to Gordo.
Which makes me wonder,
what kind of Jedi mind tricks
are my parents and teachers working on me?
Oh, well, I pretty much trust them.
Maybe I'm better off not knowing.
MALE CREW MEMBER 1: Send 'em up.
MALE CREW MEMBER 2: Put your head up a little bit.
MALE CREW MEMBER 1: Okay. There you go.
[CREW CHATTER INDISTINCTLY]
Um, um, um, Brad, Brad, Brad?
MALE CREW MEMBER 2: Splash the water, go have fun!
-MALE CREW MEMBER 3: Go sit in it. -[GIRLS LAUGHING]
MALE CREW MEMBER 4: Whoa! Not that much fun.
-MALE CREW MEMBER 5: You all right? -Yeah.
I'd rather be a horse.
Mr. Pettus just hates me...
-[SNEEZES] -[LAUGHS]
I just sneezed.
MALE CREW MEMBER 6: Okay, cut! MALE CREW MEMBER 7: That's a cut.
From now on, instead of Dad,
you're gonna refer to me as, Do-Do. [LAUGHS]
[ALL LAUGHING]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]