(dramatic orchestral music)
(radio tuning)
- [Radio Announcer] At number one on the request line
for the 417th month, from Pepe to his fishing crew
on the Pregnant Pelican.
("La Bamba") (singing in foreign language)
(thunder crashing)
- Yikes, I gotta get outta here.
(man panting)
(tense orchestral music)
(motorcycles rumbling in distance)
I'm the only one left.
I have to keep my bog hair.
Shit.
That woman's a monster.
I gotta warn the others.
(thunder crashing)
(breathing heavily)
Screw the others.
(car alarm wailing)
- [Alarm Voice] Move away from the vehicle.
Put your hands in the air.
Support the NRA.
Vote Republican.
Always use a condom.
Eat pork.
Don't forget to call your mother.
(eerie ambient music)
(man screams)
- I love the feel of silk on bare skin.
- No more
pesky--
- Body hair.
(thunder crashing)
- [Yvonne] On to the next unsuspecting little town.
Let's ride!
("Hot Wax Zombies on Wheels")
♪ So you better beware
♪ 'Cause we're hot wax zombies
♪ We're almost there
♪ We're the hot wax zombies on wheels ♪
♪ Hot wax zombies on wheels
(laughing)
(Sharon laughing)
- [Sven] Slow down, butch.
- [Sharon] I just love it here in Daneport.
Nothing ever happens here.
(rock music)
- [Sven] Tipoa.
- [Sharon] You're on.
(bird caws)
(man burps)
♪ Baby
♪ When you get back
♪ Back in your room
♪ After your move, yeah
♪ Oh, maybe
♪ You'll be all right
♪ When it's dark
♪ You have your sunshine
- [Sven] So damn butch.
- That's what you get for biking with
your best friend's girl.
(laughing)
- [Sven] Race ya.
- [Sharon] You're on.
The old Augusta house.
- [Sven] See you in my mirror.
(Sharon laughs)
♪ Takin' off my mask
♪ Takin' off my head
♪ It's not my problem
♪ Refuse to see
♪ Oh, it's not my problem
(man farts)
- [Man] Hey!
- [Yvonne] Needs a little fixing up, but it'll do.
Shh, Martin, someone's coming.
(laughing)
- Oh.
"Vickings rule."
- At least I can spell, unlike certain barbers.
- Star quarterbacks don't have to spell.
- You're right, they just have to make passes
at the homecoming queen.
- No truer love than me and Mick.
And what about you, shy guy?
- Hey, I'm uh,
pacing myself.
- Oh, okay.
- [Yvonne] Martin, find out how they feel
about depilatil rays.
- [Martin] Suppositories?
(slapping)
Ow.
- [Critter] Oh, baby, faster, faster, faster.
Get it in.
Oh, oh, ah ah ah, oo.
(light orchestral music)
- Morning, captains.
- [Zebediah] Sven, Sharon.
- Nice day.
- [Both] Yeah.
- What do you reckon the weather will be like
tomorrow, Captain Obadiah?
- Horny.
There's an evil wind a-blowing, an evil wind.
- West north west.
- You old shark bait, it's north by northwest.
- Don't you go telling me the wind direction.
I know these seas like the back of my hand.
- You ain't seen that clear-like in 20 years.
(Zebediah growls)
- What do you mean by evil wind, cap'n?
- Oh, he's right about that, by cracky.
E-vile it is.
- Evil how?
- [Obadiah] When the sky burns cold, the raven barks.
- Aye, the albatross dances with the whale.
- Aye.
(bird cries)
(rock music)
(Sharon laughs)
- Oh, are you still determined to leave?
- Nothing ever happens here.
I don't know what I was thinking,
trying to make it as a manicurist in this town.
- And so that means you're going to go to--
- Well, I need to go somewhere where they
can appreciate a good manicure, a great foot massage,
and a, and an outstanding lacquer selection.
Orlando, Florida.
- Well, I'm gonna miss you, Ruby.
(both laugh)
- [Sven] What?
- She might as well stay here for that.
You heard the latest?
The old Augusta house, sold.
Queers probably, you know, gay.
Opening a beauty salon.
- Mm, good, maybe I can get a decent haircut, Mick.
- Ooh, take that back you sultry bitch,
or I'll blow you silly.
- Oh, I better get out.
(laughing)
- When are you going to get out
of ladies' underwear, Sharon?
- Oh, you know me Frank, I don't do cheap jokes.
(singing in foreign language)
- [Radio Announcer] And now for another
swinging hit for you single ladies over 40
waiting for the tuna fleet.
("La Bamba")
- Mm,
oh baby.
Mm, I just keep getting it for you.
You got me all wrapped around the axle.
(bell jingles)
- Neither rain nor sleet nor dark of night.
- Sorry.
- It's all right, that's what the shop's about.
Sort of.
Hadn't you better finish your rounds, Ken?
- Yeah, I guess so.
Sorry, baby.
Wish I could stay.
Bye.
Oh, the mail, forgot the mail almost.
I'll see you, baby.
(bell jingles)
- He's new.
Wow, you're a sucker for men in uniform, Carrie.
- Oh, I'm a sucker for a man, period.
I've noticed you're not at a loss for suitors.
- Mick?
- Mick's okay.
Sven's a real guy.
And he's interested.
- Sven's my pal, nothing more.
(bell jingles)
Hi, Ted.
- Hi, Sharon.
Pilar's got a birthday coming up real soon.
I thought I'd get her something pretty.
- Great, well, I've got just the thing.
This is soft, it's beautiful.
It's pretty, it's warm, it's soft.
Just the thing for winter.
- I was think something more, you know, something--
- [Carrie] Sexier?
- Oh, gee Ted, I didn't think you went in for
that sort of thing, but uh--
- You old devil, you.
- Not that old, Carrie.
- I get the picture.
- How about this?
More of what you had in mind?
It's what I wear.
- Yeah, I like that, yeah.
- [Carrie] And the size?
- Mrs. Lewis is a size 18, Carrie.
(cow moos)
- I see.
- [Ted] In a box, please.
(singing in foreign language)
- [Ted] Get a box, please.
- That'll be $35, Ted.
(horse whinnies)
(motorcycle approaching)
(rock music)
- Oh, I love the feel of silk on bare skin.
Don't you?
- Can I help you?
- I said don't you?
- Um, sure, all, all, all, all, all women do, um.
I didn't hear you come in.
♪ Well, you better step up
♪ 'Cause I got something for you ♪
♪ Just take a good look at me
♪ 'Cause I'm new and improved, you see ♪
♪ Now seems like a real good time ♪
♪ Think I'll start coming in with it ♪
♪ Hey
♪ You
♪ Me
- This won't hinder you much longer.
I'll take care of it.
- Weren't you leaving, Ted?
Will that be all?
- I want to see your underwear.
- I beg your pardon.
- Well, granted, I want to see your leather g-strings,
you split panties, your cut-out bras.
Whatever you have with metal studs.
- Um.
Well.
I'm afraid this is risque as we get.
- Hah.
I'll just take the gown.
- Will that be charge or--
- It'll be cash.
- It'll be 395.
- Hot, M.
(fingers snapping)
I suggest you invest in some
recreational underwear, Miss Talbot.
You're going to need it.
I think these people are ready for a wax.
- [Martin] Who's Max?
Ow!
- I, I didn't hear them come in.
Did you hear them come in?
Ted.
Ted, I'm asking you a question.
- I can't wait to pump her gas.
- You're self-serve, Ted.
(bell jingles)
Weird, huh?
Weren't they sort of
unnaturally shiny?
- Oh, I need some fresh air.
(accordion music)
- [Radio Announcer] Remember, City Council meeting
in the fish locker at six o'clock.
(light orchestral music)
- And further, Mister Mayor,
I move for a no-growth ordinance
until we discover just what the desecration
of our water off of our coast will have.
- Mr. Hutchenreuther,
we have the most modern water treatment,
the most stringent environmental controls
on the offshore waters, as well as the harbor.
Surely you know that--
- You have no idea what's going on out there!
The new deviation, the monsters even now
rallying to take us over.
- Oh sir, Daneport.
(laughing)
- I move we wait and see.
Seconded?
- Seconded.
(gavel banging)
- Thank you Bancroft, you may sit down now.
Any more business?
(rock music)
- A business license.
- And who might you be?
- Yvonne Wayne.
I'm renovating the old Augusta house,
and opening up a waxing salon.
- Now just a second, little lady.
You never said anything about wax.
She never said anything about wax.
Ted's Self-Serve is fully equipped
with a full line of--
- Hair removal, Ted.
- Hair removal.
A salon to remove, I see.
Well, Pilar could stand to lose some hair, I guess.
- So could you.
- I think it's unnatural.
Bad for the complexion.
Bad for the whole human machine.
- Nothing like the wife did up to give
the man incentive to come ashore, eh Pepe?
(laughing)
- Wait a minute.
I have some questions.
I'm a reporter, Miss Wayne.
It's in my instincts.
I know a few things.
- How lucky for you.
- How do we know these people are qualified.
Don't you have to have a beautician's license
from the state before you can go off
opening up some hotsy-totsy wax salon?
Just where is that, Miss Wayne?
Hmm?
- Well, certainly, Mr. Miller.
I have all the appropriate paperwork.
Would you care to see it?
- License, license, license.
- License.
- Wait a minute.
- Majority rules, Karen.
Seconded?
- Seconded.
- Second, sec, call it.
- Seconded, meeting adjourned.
(all chattering)
(light orchestral music)
- [Sharon] Captains.
- [Obadiah] Yeah?
- [Sharon] What was it you were saying about an evil wind?
- [Obadiah] The evil wind is one that'll turn you in you
any minute and make your hair stand on end.
- [Zebediah] It'll shiver your timbers,
furl the tops'l and keelhaul the bosun.
- [Obadiah] An evil wind will put the mizzen
in the fraggin' in as long as it takes to blink.
- Oh.
That makes sense.
Thanks.
Um, captains, I know I shouldn't ask this,
but what are you whittling?
- Yew.
- [Sharon] Me.
- No, yew.
- I?
- [Zebediah] Aye.
- Oh, yew.
Y-E-W, the tree.
- Aye, yew.
- Oh, I was reading an article about the Pacific yew
just the other day, it has all sorts of curative powers
like asthma, cancer, you name it.
- Aye, and it'll take the barnacles off your stem.
- And the woodworm off your stern.
Like to smoke it.
- I like mine with milk.
- Give her a try.
- [Obadiah] Never know when you might need it.
- Think we confused her with all this nautical talk?
- I suppose so.
Reckon that's what it's all about, being an old salt.
- Old tar, properly it's an old tar.
- I know what I am, Zebediah, you old fool.
(grunting)
(tense synth music)
- [Yvonne] I've been expecting you, Mr. Miller.
- How did you get this place fixed up so fast?
- I know my subcontractors like the back of my
brassiere cup.
- Like the back of your, your br,
hold on.
I want to talk to you about your
business, because frankly, this kind of establishment
is something we in Daneport associate with fruits,
and Europeans, and we don't,
don't have that sort
around here.
- Not at all, Mr. Miller.
You've got it all wrong.
Let me show you.
- So, I told Jane, I said, so what if he's
15 years younger than she is.
If he makes her happy, that's what counts.
- Well, so long as the kid's parents
and the police don't find out.
So what are you doing this afternoon?
- Ooh, I thought I'd try that new salon.
Maybe get myself done.
Who knows, maybe some 17-year-old stud
will get the hots for me.
- (laughs) Mom, you and some young thing.
Let me know how it goes, okay?
- With the salon or the stud?
- The salon.
You know, I met that Yvonne Wayne the other day.
She seemed a little weird.
- Oh, weird like Bancroft Hutchenreuter weird,
or weird like body snatchers?
- Well, just don't let them turn you into
a sex maniac or anything, okay?
- Oh, and I thought it was the widows like me
who were supposed to be the prudes.
- I don't know, it just seems a little whacko.
- Afraid of the competition, are you?
- We don't do legs.
- Then what's the beef?
- Well, I don't get it.
I mean, why bring this kind of business to Daneport?
People in big cities and Europe get that kind of treatment.
Holy shit.
- What?
- W-Wayne's D-dip-i-di-di--
- Depilation.
- Right. - Yeah.
A full page ad?
What's gotten into Frank, anyway?
He's never taken out a full page ad in his life.
- Where is he, anyway?
Has anyone seen him?
Wayne's Waxing Salon announces its opening giveaway,
one free body wax with this ad.
Do away with pesky body hair for six months.
(sighing)
Be more attractive to the opposite sex.
Swim faster.
Experience love making as it should be.
Smooth and hairless.
- [Matt] Then what's the beef?
- It's good for six months.
I mean, if it's good for six months,
how can they stay in business?
- Wait for the tuna fleet?
- Or an outbreak of puberty.
Thinking about getting a wax done, Matt?
- Me?
Never.
Car, maybe.
(rock music)
- [Woman] Oh, oh, this is lovely.
(chuckling)
(bell tolls)
- [Girl] See?
Told you it wasn't haunted.
- But my Uncle Hernando said it was a place of evil.
- [Girl] Well, your Uncle Hernando's been at sea too long.
(needle scratching)
(woman screams)
- I love-- (gasping)
- Frank.
- The feel of silk on bare skin.
- You do?
- Got any silk jock socks?
- Uh, jock?
- Something roomy.
- Roomy.
Like a studio, or like a mansion?
That was a joke.
Um.
No, no, uh no jock, silk or otherwise, none.
I hardly even recognized him.
He looked like a wax apple having a bad hair day.
- He has undergone rejuvenation at the hot wax palace.
- [Sharon] Well, what all did they do to him?
- Made him a man.
- Really?
Ew (laughs).
Well, you went there.
What was it like?
(Mom chuckles)
Mom?
Mom, are you okay?
The salon.
What was it like?
- Why do you ask?
- Oh, come on.
A salon in Daneport.
A place like that reminds me of
a beauty parlor for dogs.
You take in a shaggy mutt, you come out with
a clipped pooch with a bow on its hip
and one on its head smelling like a French whore house.
And what all did they do to you?
Did they do the whole like body massage and makeup deal?
- They get rid of all that pesky body hair.
It was the most liberating experience of my life.
God, I need a man!
- Ain't that the truth.
Got tons of stuff that needs to be
taken care of around here, and Mick,
getting him to help out is next to impossible.
(Mom screams)
What?
- All that hair!
Why don't you do something?
- I'm shaving it.
- That's not enough!
(crying)
- Mom?
Mom!
(orchestral music hit)
(knife chopping)
- Yeah, you're pretty handy with that knife.
- Amazing.
- It is my profession, you know.
Being amazing.
- Hey babe.
You okay?
- Babe.
(jazzy music)
- Man, that's gotta hurt.
- Not if you know what you're doing.
(screams)
What's the matter?
- My mother.
She went into that new salon today,
and they must have I don't know
given her weird pills or something.
- It takes women days to adjust to a new do.
- Oh, okay, Micky.
Well, how does that explain Frank Miller, huh?
He's gone weird too.
- Let's eat.
- All right.
(soft rock music)
- [Sven] Okay, so one, two, three, four, there.
- [Mick] My turn?
- [Sven] Yeah, it's your turn.
- [Mick] (laughs) Double purple.
- You've been getting lucky all night.
- I'm just good.
(clattering outside)
- No Mick, you're over here.
- No, I'm right there.
- Mick, you're over here.
No, you're over here.
- All right, you're right.
(loud clattering outside)
Raccoons?
- Who knows.
Come on.
- You guys.
Guys!
(door clicking) (sighing)
(tense music)
(grunting)
- [Man] Fore!
(upbeat orchestral music)
(needle scratching)
(tense music)
(thunder crashing)
(both yelling)
- [Man] You must die, you must die.
Bastard, burn the bastard, burn.
- Gosh, can't we all just like get alone.
- I think somebody doesn't like us.
(all yell)
- Jesus, Sharon.
- What the hell is that?
Now that's scary.
- High tech raccoons.
- Elaborate practical joke.
- Hanged in effigy?
You must have really botched a flattop.
- [Sven] Well, I say we put our gallows friend to bed.
- Yeah.
- [Man] You must die.
Bastard, burn the bastard, burn him.
You must die.
You must die, bastard.
(thunder crashing) (ominous music)
(Yvonne laughs)
- [Yvonne] And you won't forget to wax my throttle.
(thunder crashing) (acoustic rock music)
♪ Only for daybreak
♪ Can't catch me
♪ If I can only see
♪ What I you and I would need
♪ Sorry if it hurts
♪ Well, maybe I'll stay at home ♪
♪ Oh, now the word is out.
- Mmm.
Try telling me again it was kids who did that.
- Come on.
Who doesn't like barbers?
- Someone with a gruesome sense of humor.
- Somehow, this doesn't seem like the time or the place.
- Is that all you think about?
- Yeah.
(grunting)
(ominous music)
- What's going on?
- [Yvonne] This one desperately needs to be waxed (laughs).
- And eight times a week just isn't enough.
You know what my doctor said.
- So it's more therapeutic for you to have sex
than it is to make love with your girlfriend.
- It's science.
Besides, you always love it when I--
- Mmm.
- [Yvonne] Watch it.
Come.
- [Martin] Pesky body hair.
- [Yvonne] Watch it.
(slapping)
- [Martin] Ow.
- City Council official business.
(Mick sighs)
(needle scratching)
(water splashing)
(birds chirping)
(tense synth music)
(man and woman moaning)
- How nice to see you, Miss Councilwoman.
- Business keeps going on like this,
you'll have to open branches.
- We're thinking, website.
(woman screams)
Some take the removal better than others.
(tense music)
- [Sharon] How unusual, it's so warm.
- This is where we mix the wax with the other
ingredients to remove all traces of
pesky body hair.
Yes, there is a special chemical
to soften the skin
and some say it affects the mind.
- It does?
- It frees you from the distraction of pesky body hair.
- It does?
- Depilation sets one free from all the
unpleasant emotions that we associate with hair.
- It does?
- The ecstasy of being without pesky body hair
is truly orgasmic.
- It is.
- Beyond your wildest imagination.
It just keeps going and going and going and going,
your libido goes wild!
Taking you to places that you
never even dared to dream about.
(laughing)
(rock music)
♪ Ow
♪ We used to be, oh
♪ Superstar girl
- [Sharon] Places we've never dreamed about?
Like Orlando?
(man yells)
(woman sighs)
(man yells)
(woman screams)
(Yvonne laughs)
♪ She's so crazy
♪ The girl's gone crazy
♪ She's so crazy
(moaning) (laughing)
♪ Any time, any place
♪ She's got such peculiar taste ♪
♪ She's so crazy
(needle scratching)
- I thought you guys all go to sleep afterwards.
- Not me.
You ready for the next round?
- As soon as you are.
What's that smell?
- While you were in the bathroom I
started heating something.
- Oh yeah, like what?
- It's going to make it so good for you.
You're never going to believe it could be so good.
- Oh, yes I will.
- Do you trust me?
- I just fucked you for three hours.
- Then I really have something for you.
(chiming music)
- What are you going to do?
- [Man] Gonna rid you of that pesky body hair.
- Cool!
Oh.
Oh, don't stop now, I feel lonely and neglected.
- Have to wait til it dries.
- Then hand me my cigarette, please,
I might as well have something in my mouth.
(gavel pounding)
(light synth music)
- [Man] Any business?
- [Woman] No.
- Adjourned.
- [Man] Hurry up, Frank.
I need to get laid.
(groaning)
(pop music)
♪ Work that body, work that body ♪
(man and woman groaning)
♪ Work that body, work that body ♪
♪ Make sure you don't hurt nobody ♪
(man and woman groaning)
♪ Make you don't hurt nobody
♪ Work that body, work that body ♪
♪ Everybody
- Faster, faster.
Faster, faster.
Faster.
- You've got to be kidding.
♪ Get on the floor and get up
- [Computer Voice] Welcome to Yvonne's website.
Please enter password.
- Depilation.
(keyboard clacking)
- [Computer Voice] Access denied.
- Hmm.
Horny.
(keyboard clacking)
- [Yvonne] Access denied.
- Dammit.
(Yvonne laughs)
You look like you had a hard night.
- The best.
- You look like sunburned or something.
- Oh, I feel terrific.
- [Yvonne] Access denied.
- I made love all night.
- Isn't that normal for you?
- Come to think of it, yes, it is.
(rock music)
♪ You, the eyes of the world
♪ Tell us how long it will take ♪
♪ We're onto you
♪ You, the voice of the world
♪ Tell us what you need to say
(needle scratching)
("La Bamba") (singing in foreign language)
- Scratch sleepy cost town, put catatonic.
- It's like the whole town's turn into,
I don't know, zombies.
Vampires.
Walking dead.
Republicans.
Ever since they came to town.
That's a strange group of bikers.
(rock music)
Ooh, I like my nasty body hair.
(rock music)
- Pesky
body hair.
What's that?
- Yew. - Me?
- Who? - What?
- It's something the captains gave me.
- [Radio Announcer] That was a hit.
I will now play another hit,
though I don't know why anyone listens
to this mierda.
- Something stinks in this town.
- That's the paper mill in Eureka.
(farting)
- [Radio Announcer] I myself am free of such trivialities.
All I need now are some compliant nubile
hairless 18-year-old girls to make my life complete.
(singing in foreign language)
- Don't we all.
Did he just say mierda, mara.
- You won't go near that salon.
Promise.
- Oh (scoffs) no.
- I'm not worried about Sven.
I know he won't do anything foolish.
- Coward that I am.
- [Sharon] But you.
- Hair is my life.
- Keep it that way.
(heavy metal music)
♪ I got it, I got it
♪ I got no hair
♪ Under this hat
♪ And it trace south
♪ Down my back
♪ But I've got to slip away
♪ Slip away
♪ I've got to slip away
♪ From you, baby
♪ I've gotta go
♪ You've gotta go
♪ Ah, and the sun will rise
- More wax, Talbot.
- I'm stirring the hot tub as fast as I can!
- You are stirring the vat!
- [Yvonne] You're stirring the cauldron.
♪ Slip away
(cat meows)
(thunder crashing)
♪ Up a tree
♪ You won't follow me
- That is all for today.
We will be back tomorrow at this time with a new load.
See you then, and have a nice day.
♪ Slip away
- Busy?
- Mmm.
- Ain't seen nothing like this since ought six.
(man growling)
(van squeaking)
- Ah.
- What is, what do you want here?
- This won't hurt a bit, handsome.
- Get out of here, woman.
- Then you'll be all ours, free of that pesky body hair.
(grunting)
- [Woman] Don't you want us?
- Are you sick or something?
Perverted?
The wax will set you free.
- Get on out of here, young women,
or we'll make you walk the plank.
- We'll make shark bait out of you, now git.
(gasping)
(captains grumble)
Ain't seen the like of this
since we rode with Teddy Roosevelt.
- Pershing.
- Roosevelt.
- That was Pershing, you don't know.
- Goldang it, it was Roosevelt, you old fool.
- You wouldn't know Roosevelt
if he came up, shook your hand.
- What's up, Ted.
(ominous music)
How's Pilar?
- No more pesky body hair.
- Yeah, well you know, I try not to meddle
in people's marital affairs, but,
a little turn-off, huh?
You know, the hair?
(Ted yells)
Hey, hey, hey hey hey, what's the matter?
Hey, Ted, don't be afraid, it's me, Mick.
Here, take 14 bucks.
(Ted yells)
Here, come on, take the $14, come on.
- Get out!
- The money.
- Get out!
Go away!
- Ted.
- You will become unbelievably horny.
Look at Pilar, 180 pounds of bucking bronco.
- Unbelievably?
- Get out!
- Horny?
(thunder crashes)
(ominous music)
(door creaking)
(fingers snapping) Ah!
- We've been expecting you, Mr. Orion.
- Have you now?
- You seem most interested in what our little
salon has to offer.
How 'bout a demonstration.
(harp music)
(women moaning and laughing)
(laughing)
(harp music)
- Uh, oh, come on.
Come on, come on.
Dang.
(spring boinging)
Sorry.
(ominous orchestral music)
- Oh, he was so well hung.
Take him to room number four.
- Whoa, whoa, come on, come on.
Come on, no, no, not room number four.
("La Bamba")
(phone ringing)
- [Mick] Hey, I'm probably out
giving a buzz cut, so leave a message.
(voicemail beeping)
- Hi, honey, it's me.
I'm feeling a little, I don't know.
Um, okay so, maybe I've been a little preoccupied lately
but um, I just need to feel safer
with all this going on, so um.
Anyway, I've got a surprise for you.
It's the top of the line at the shop.
(chuckling)
So um, get here ASAP, okay?
- This is a simple process of osmosis.
While the wax is bonding to your pesky body hair,
this chemical is seeping into your skin,
into your very psyche.
- Yeah well, you see, I'm Irish,
and I really don't want anything seeping into my psyche.
- (laughs) Once you're with us, you'll see.
All the barriers are down.
No fear, no hate.
No evulsion, no pesky bodism sentimentality.
Just pure sensualism.
- Gosh.
- Yes, gosh.
(hissing)
This may sting a little.
(Mick yells)
- Damn it, Mick.
Where are you?
Think, think.
(upbeat jazz music)
(needle scratching)
Yes.
(wind blowing)
(Mick yells)
- Hey, he's taking this very well, isn't he?
- Yes.
Leave us.
Now you will feel what you have never felt before.
(Yvonne moans)
Blood.
See how much better it is without--
- Pesky body hair.
(rattling outside)
(rattling)
- Nothing's going to happen, dipshit, there's no music.
There's always music when something's going to happen.
(ominous music)
Oh, jeez.
(thunder crashes)
(phone ringing)
- [Woman] Thank you for calling 9-1-1 emergency services.
We're out of the office at the moment,
but if it's really, really urgent,
having to do with pesky body hair,
please page us at Wayne's Depilation Palace,
and we hope you have a nice, hairless, fulfilling day.
- Mick won't answer his phone.
9-1-1's at an orgy.
(suspenseful orchestral music)
(Sharon screams)
- We're here.
- I'll use it.
- I hope you're wearing nice underwear, Sharon.
- Really now, there's no need for violence.
Have the treatment.
Be one of us.
- No more hate, no fear, no jealousy.
- No more teacher's dirty looks.
- You'll discover your true sensuality within,
beneath all that pesky--
- Body hair.
I always wanted you, you know.
- I'll slice you into candles, I promise.
- Sounds sensual.
- You can't kill us, Sharon.
We're zombies, hot wax zombies.
We're already dead.
- Ow!
No!
(thunder crashes)
- [Martin] Genetic deviation.
- Ew.
- [Martin] Monsters.
- Ugh.
(Ted screams)
That stuff's dynamite.
(cannon fires)
Yow, help!
Help!
(suspenseful orchestral music)
Mick?
(floor creaks)
Mick.
(tense music)
(Sharon gasps) (needle scratching)
Mick.
- Hubba hubba.
- Horny, aren't you?
And insistent, too.
- No.
Come on.
- Where?
- In the kitchen.
- The kitchen?
Don't you know what's happening out there?
We, we, we've gotta run, we've gotta find Sven, I mean.
Hmm, uh, seems a little early for mosquitoes, huh?
So you've been hot waxed, haven't you?
- It's better than being like you,
a slave to emotions and pesky body hair.
- So you don't feel any emotions at all?
- Only one, lust.
Insatiable carnality.
Being free of pesky body hair has opened up
a whole new world to me.
A world of ultimate sensuality.
- Since when do you need help getting horny?
- It's for the best, Sharon, you'll see.
We'll spend the rest of our lives together
experiencing the ultimate sensuality.
- You, you're repeating yourself.
- Oh, it's going to be so good, you being one of us.
Now relax.
The pain won't last long.
And when it's over
(magical chiming music)
I'll let you be on top.
- Golly, I can hardly wait.
(Sharon yells)
(power drill running)
Always in the right place at the right time.
Bye bye, darling.
- [Mick] But Sharon, I can help!
No more pesky body hair!
Ever!
- Oh, Sharon.
(grunting)
There's no way out, Sharon.
(knocking on door)
- [Mick] Hey, somebody mind letting me out?
- You can't stop monsters created from man's (thumping)
gumption of our ecology.
- Whatever.
We are the undead, join us.
- Never
- Yes, you will.
- Avast, you squab.
Hard about, girly.
Hoist the mainsail.
(thunder crashing)
(loud explosion booming)
- Only your emotions where dead.
And your follicles, Matt.
- Oh, that explains it.
Ow!
- My God.
- That's gotta hurt.
- He looks like he's got a walrus on him.
- [Obadiah] A walrus?
An albatross, you ol' stubborn--
- No, it ain't a damn albatross.
It's a whale.
Jesus Christ.
- Look at the hair.
Looks like a manatee.
- [Matt] What are you?
- Y-E-W, exactly.
- Smart zombie, by cracky.
- Pacific yew.
Of course, you two knew all along.
- Best run along, girly,
while we use these zombies to swab the deck.
- Cleanse the barnacles and fight the lines.
- Aye.
- Wait a minute, fellas.
I ain't been laid yet.
Freak!
(pounding on door)
- [Mick] Somebody.
Open up.
I'm really horny.
(ominous orchestral music)
(zombie moans)
(Sharon screams)
(zombie groans)
- Carrie, Carrie, you've, wah.
- Hi, Sharon.
- What are you doing?
- I'm going to Portland to try out for
the U.S. national swim team.
- Oh no, not you too.
I can't let you spread this contagion.
- What contagion?
- Whatever it is that makes people zombies.
Ravenous, hairless horn dog zombies.
U.S. swim team?
- I went to the nationals as a junior.
I did it all.
I told you I was thinking of getting back into it.
Well, here's my opportunity.
I guess I didn't react like they expected.
I went to the pool and I practiced.
I still have it.
And they were right.
(screaming)
I do swim faster.
- But it d-d-d-didn't turn you into a sex-crazed zombie or?
- I had no inhibitions to lose.
Except those keeping from trying out
for the national swim team.
And I'm doing that next week.
- Help me.
I have to stop them.
They'll take this formula, and they'll do this again
in town after town after town unless they're stopped.
- Okay.
- I will, I must stop them.
- Okay, whatever.
- I'll watch for you on Wide World.
- [Carrie] Okay, whatever.
- Carrie.
(sighing)
Well, I guess it's just me
and yew.
(ominous orchestral music)
(thunder crashing)
- Once we corral Congress, then we'll go after
the closet cross-dressers on the radical right.
(Sharon grunts)
Congressmen are so kinky.
Not to mention the President.
For say fare (laughs).
- Ow, oh.
Ow.
(grunting)
(rock music)
Hot damn.
It's party time.
- Everyone I kiss or has cornered over the internet.
Our power will be limitless (laughs).
We'll be the gods of ultimate sensualism.
Rulers of the world, free at last
from that dreaded stubble.
Tight-ass Sharon Talbot stands between us
and total dominion.
Not a problem.
- A world without hair.
Something has to be done.
- [Critter] Faster, faster, faster,
get it in, oh, oh!
- Fucking rats.
- Oh baby, oh baby.
Faster, faster, faster, get it in.
(moaning)
- Is that pesky body hair keeping you
from living life to the fullest?
If you've answered yes to any of these questions,
then I'm here to tell you about something
that will revolutionize your life forever.
The Wayne WaxOMatic.
Just a pinch in those hard to reach areas,
and (gasps) you will find that
your appointment book will fill up in no time.
The Wayne WaxOMatic.
Take it from me, a boon to women everywhere.
- [Men] And we like it, too.
- Mom.
You're going cable?
(suspenseful orchestral music)
- Martin.
Come.
- [Martin] You calling me dumb?
(suspenseful orchestral music)
- Come on, stupid child safety.
(rock music)
- Get her.
- (laughs) "Get her".
Is that the best you can come up with?
(Yvonne stammers)
- Seize the frigid interloper.
- That's pretty good.
Whoa!
- This room is a mess.
Somebody go get Marion.
♪ Yeah, there you go talkin' all of that smack ♪
♪ Thinkin' that you're all
(door slamming)
- Ow, ow!
Mom.
- Radically cool, isn't it, dear?
- I have to know, what is the password?
- Orlando?
- Damn, almost.
Ow.
(thunder crashing)
(suspenseful orchestral music)
Shit.
Help!
(Yvonne laughs)
Help!
- Mmm, I love this thing.
(Sharon screams)
(suspenseful music)
(thunder crashing)
(Yvonne tsking)
- Ah, these things always look better
in the catalogs, don't they?
Still, it shows a marked lack of self-esteem.
(laughs)
(electricity crackling)
Oh, damn.
(sighing)
I hope you don't mind waiting while I see to this.
Martin will keep you company.
This better not be those fucking rats again.
(tense music)
- Can't you help me?
I don't want to wait for them to come back and
see me like this, makes me want you now.
- Yvonne told me not to.
- Mmm.
And I want you to do it.
- Yvonne won't let me.
- But I will.
(tender music)
(Sharon breaths heavily)
Not so fast, lover boy (laughs).
I stuff.
That's why they call it a booby trap.
(spring boings)
- Thank you, thank you very much.
- This is an outrage!
- No, this
is an outage.
(Yvonne hisses)
Ooh, scary lady.
(electricity crackling)
- How did you do that?
- I don't know.
Same way I know how to do this.
- Oh, what, stop, stop!
Stop, you're making me dizzy.
- All right, you and Marion, back in the house.
(hoe down music)
(springs boinging)
(groaning)
(suspenseful orchestral music)
Hey, was that you screaming?
- Yeah, didn't you hear me?
- Barely.
I must have wax in my ears.
Uh, your blouse and your, uh, accoutrements,
it's uh, they're open.
Here.
- Carrie was right.
You are the real guy.
(quiet farting)
To Gold Rock.
- What, now?
(grunting)
- Okay, that's it.
They've had their chance, we're nailing them!
My cape.
- Oh, I had it cleaned.
What with the wax and the road grime and everything.
- Let's ride!
(adventurous orchestral music)
- [Sven] Wow, she said I was the real guy.
I wonder if she meant it, though.
I mean, you know how women, they just kind of say things.
Wait, wait a minute, I mean, I'm real.
And I'm a guy, definitely a guy.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Mick's my best friend.
And Sharon's his gal.
No, I can't do that to Mick, no way.
No way, I,
yeah I can, yeah I can.
Cool.
I got a girlfriend.
(needle scratches)
(rock music)
(needle scratches)
(adventurous music)
- [Sharon] Sven is the real guy.
Can I do this to Mick?
Yep, I can do that to Mick.
- [Sven] Is that an echo?
Cool.
(singing in foreign language)
- [Sharon] Oh my gosh, she's right behind us.
- [Sven] A-ooo-ga, a-ooo-ga, down below!
(Yvonne yells)
- Drive on!
Let's get 'em!
Whoo!
- I think we lost them a few miles back.
But why here?
(tender music)
Okay, enough about geography.
But your timing.
- Think about it as making up for lost time.
(motorcycles approaching)
We've got to get to Freeport before Yvonne.
(singing in foreign language)
(light synth music)
- [Officer] Good evening.
- Uh, good evening, I'm uh, Sharon Talbot,
City Councilwoman from Daneport,
and this is Sven Jacobsen, one of our local businessmen.
- I'm impressed.
- [Sharon] Is, is there a captain on duty?
- Got a problem?
- Listen, I think we need to talk to the watch captain.
- I'm not good enough, is that it, huh?
Who do you think you are, rolling in here,
trying to get past me to the captain
without any explanation?
Just trying to pull rank, go over my head, do an end run?
Is that it, Miss City Fucking Councilwoman?
Big fucking deal.
- Hey, may we see the watch captain, please?
You don't understand, this is about zombies.
- Zombies?
- [Sven] Yeah.
- [Officer] Zombies.
- Yeah.
- [Officer] Well yeah, why didn't you guys just say so.
- He wouldn't believe it, can you believe it?
- Oh, I can believe it.
I mean, can you believe it?
It's unbelievable.
But I believe it.
- Hmm.
Well, there's one way to make him believe it.
Believe me.
- What?
- [Sharon] Follow me.
(beeping)
Please, lock all your doors, bolt all your windows.
A group of hot wax zombies is coming to town.
- Awesome.
- And if they find you, you'll be destroyed.
So you gotta start gathering yew.
You got it?
You gotta make your yew turn on them.
What am I saying?
(motorcycles revving)
They're here, they're here!
Look out for the zombies!
(rock music)
- Oh, jeez.
All those years of therapy shot to shit.
- So.
- [Yvonne] So.
- It's you.
- Evidently.
- You can't escape, you know.
- I won't surrender.
- Good, I like a challenge.
- You want to take over the world.
- I said I like challenges.
- I won't let you.
- (laughs) You can't stop me.
- Maybe not.
(laughing)
But I can try.
I know what you are.
You've learned the nearly forgotten secret
of formula H-73,
the chemical developed during the Spanish-American War
to demoralize the enemy by causing increased hair loss,
and increased lima bean crop yields.
But it had a side effect.
It turned people into unfeeling sex crazed zombies.
Well, it won't work, because there's more to life
than sex and pleasure and smooth skin.
There's love and honor and shaving.
- You think so?
(laughing)
Well, we'll see.
You might like even sleeping with your stud Mick.
I do.
- Uh-oh.
- You won't any more.
(both yelling)
(upbeat rock music)
♪ Whoa
- [Sharon] Ow.
(grunting)
♪ Woke up this morning with an ache in my head ♪
♪ Got a little crazy
♪ Now I'm feelin' half dead
♪ Drinkin' last night didn't make it go away ♪
♪ Should have the same if I make it today ♪
♪ I just can't wait till it makes me numb again ♪
♪ When I go back and then
♪ She's my only friend
♪ Whoa
♪ Same old me
♪ It's the same old remedy
♪ Whoa
- Let her go!
- Not yet, I'm almost there.
- Let her go, or I'll let you have it!
- What?
That zombie's dangerous.
- All God's creatures have a right to life.
- What makes you think I'm God's creature?
- Don't quibble.
Now you, you zombie.
You get out of here.
Get out of town.
Never come here again.
(fingers snapping)
- Next time!
- Count on it!
Whew.
Do you know what you've unleashed on the world?
The terror, the horror?
- We mustn't raise our hands against one another.
We must learn to live in peace and harmony.
- See what I gotta work with here, man?
- Lovely, just lovely.
Wait'll they rip your eyebrows off.
- They never hurt those that are one with nature.
- Uh-huh, okay.
- Remember, respect one another.
- Yeah.
- Whoa.
- Peace at last.
(thunder crashing)
(upbeat rock music)
- [Obadiah] Hard about.
- Hard about to port, goldang it.
(truck crashing)
I told you hard about to port.
- She don't steer like a ship, you old grunion.
- And you don't steer like a captain,
you miserable pool of squid ink.
- How was I supposed to know she'd pitch and yaw
like a derelict, you rum head?
(grumbling)
(suspenseful orchestral music)
- [Sven] Sharon look, that's the captains' truck.
- [Sharon] It's a total wreck.
Look at all that yew.
- [Sven] Who, me?
- [Sharon] Don't start with me.
- (laughs) Oh, that's one load that won't get
to that tight-ass Sharon Talbot.
(zombies growling)
- I will not sleep until these, these--
- Zombies.
- Are laid--
- They'd like that.
- To rest.
Are you with me?
- Me?
A barber?
Need you ask?
- You know what this means, don't you?
We'll never be able to sleep soundly,
never be able to trust anyone.
Always on the run, always on the lookout.
Never a home or a life of our own.
- You mean, we're going to Los Angeles?
- It'll be a totally different way of life.
- And we can charge it.
- All right!
(both cheering)
(upbeat music)
- [Sven] Wow, Beverly Hills.
- [Sharon] Land of silicone and liposuction.
A perfect hideout for Yvonne.
- [Sven] Whoa, that guy just missed me by a hair.
- [Sharon] Look out, Sven, these people
are hairless and brainless.
- [Both] Beverly Hills.
- [Sven] Sharon, slow down.
Look, that trolley's out of control.
- [Sharon] My God.
- [Driver] Ahh, no brakes!
- God Teddy, your legs are so smooth.
Did you get them, you know, done?
- Chez Yvonne on Rodeo.
Everybody gets done there.
It has opened up a whole new world
of friction free ecstasy for me, you know.
- [Man] Towels, ladies?
- Oh, life is finally worth living,
without all that pesky body hair.
- What's that address again?
(water splashing)
(elevator music)
(rock music)
(adventurous orchestral music)
(elevator music)
- Excuse me, the garden is outside.
- We're not here for hedge trimming.
(electricity crackling)
Ladies and gentlemen, this salon is closed.
- [All] Closed?
- Do you know the contagion that this waxing process
is wreaking on the country?
You may not have to shave your legs for six months, sure,
but the cost is incalculable.
- First time is free.
- Your first time is well beyond free.
You lose all feeling, all emotion.
You become obsessed with satiating your deepest desires
at the cost of your fellow man.
- And that might be all right for you people
here in Beverly Hills, but not for the rest of America.
(cannon fires)
And on top of all that, you lose your desire to shop.
(customers clamoring)
(cannon fires)
(coughing)
Mom, Mom, are you okay?
- Stop with the dust, Sharon, jeez.
Oh, how could I have been so blind?
- Oh Mom.
Mom, listen to me.
Go home now, leave.
If you, if you listen to us, we can help you, set you free.
- It was kind of fun dear, but now,
stubble.
- Just leave this all behind, it's a bad dream, that's all.
- It did have its compensations, though.
- Mom!
- Oh, oh.
- [Critter] Oh God, that feels so good.
- Rats.
- [Critter] Oh baby, oh baby, faster, faster, faster,
get it in, oh, oh.
(woman screams)
Oh baby.
Get it in, oh, oh.
(light jazz music)
- Hey babe.
Ooh.
- Remember, the real Mick died months ago.
- Only his follicles.
- Remember the good times we had?
- Remember how they ended.
- They can come again.
You and me and some recreational underwear.
It's all possible.
- Bet me.
(cannon fires)
(upbeat music)
(Mick screams)
Let's bet.
- What about Yvonne?
- My God, Sharon!
You saved me.
I mean, til now, I was just a stud, right?
How can I thank you?
- You putz!
I told you not to go to the old Augusta house,
and off you go, two-timing me with some
artificially maintained motorcycle mama.
- I couldn't help it.
It's my hormones.
(grunting)
- How's that for hormones?
- You were pretty hard on him.
- Zombie or no zombie,
wax or no wax,
nobody two-times me.
- I'll remember that.
- Yes, so will I (laughs).
So, you've been busy, I see.
- Extremism in the battle to rid the world
of your infestation is no vice.
- Oh, my my my, even you hairy ones can wax poetic.
- You ain't seen nothing yet, lady.
Ciao, Yvonne.
(cannon fires)
- Again.
(electricity crackles)
Again.
(electricity crackles)
- Running a little short of your precious shavings?
Take them.
Now what was that, ciao?
(laughs)
(cannon fires)
(bluegrass music)
- Dusted them zombies, by cracky.
- A-yup, shaving grace.
I told you I caught the breath of
an evil wind in this town.
- If it ain't them zombies, it's barnacles.
Ain't no speed rake gonna loosen 'em up
when they're that tight on a feller's ass.
- Explains why these folks walk so damn funny.
- A-yuh.
- (laughs) Nice try, Talbot.
But as usual, you didn't make it to the climax.
(laughs)
(upbeat rock music)
- [Driver] No brakes!
- [Woman] You've been saying that since San Francisco!
(trolley crashing)
(wheel squeaking)
- Feels so strangely unsatisfied.
- It's the anti-climax, that's all.
- I'll uh, meet you back in Daneport, Sharon?
- Perhaps, Mick.
Now go on, get going before I wax you a bald spot.
How long,
how long til people
listen to us,
til they understand there's no sin in shaving,
til they realize the danger?
- As long as it takes, I guess,
until they realize
it's no sin to see a barber.
(ambulance siren approaching)
- I'm telling you, there's no one under there.
There's this cape,
and this gooey, waxy stuff.
You sure there was a rider on this bike?
I mean, maybe the bike was just parked here.
I mean, she ain't here now, unless she was
made out of wax or something.
(engine revving)
(Yvonne laughs)
("Hot Wax Zombies on Wheels")
♪ We're wheelin' our bikes everywhere ♪
♪ Comin' to wax off your hair
♪ So you all better beware
♪ 'Cause we're hot wax zombies
♪ We're almost there
♪ We're the hot wax zombies on wheels ♪
♪ Hot wax zombies on wheels
(laughing)
(adventurous orchestral music)
(police siren wailing)
(needle scratching)
(men laughing)
(calm orchestral music)
(needle scratches)
(rock music)
- Again, again.
- (laughs) Running a little short on shavings.
- Maybe.
- [Yvonne] Pity.
- [Director] Cut.
Aw, shit.
(bluegrass music)
(grunting)
- [Radio Announcer] That was a hit.
I will now play another hit, though I don't know
why anybody listens to this mierda.
- Where is everybody?
Don't they want to get rid of that
pesky body hair forever.
- Damn it.
(blower whirs)
Thanks, Sven.
(crew laughs)
That ought to keep the couches of Beverly Hills shrinks
warms for years after this.
(suspenseful orchestral music)
- [Man] All I need now are some compliant,
nubile hairless 18-year-old girls to make my life complete. 