1 00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:38,005 Colonel sandurz? 2 00:03:38,093 --> 00:03:40,175 What is it, sergeant ricco? 3 00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:46,264 You told me to let you know the moment planet druidia was in sight, sir. 4 00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:49,092 - So? - Planet druidia is in sight, sir. 5 00:03:49,896 --> 00:03:51,636 You're really a spaceball. 6 00:03:51,815 --> 00:03:54,147 - You know that, don't you? - Thanks, sir. 7 00:03:54,526 --> 00:03:55,982 Have you notified lord helmet? 8 00:03:56,027 --> 00:03:58,313 Yes, sir. I took the Liberty. He's on his way. 9 00:03:58,363 --> 00:04:00,524 Make way for dark helmet! 10 00:04:00,615 --> 00:04:03,482 All rise in the presence of dark helmet. 11 00:04:52,375 --> 00:04:54,616 I can't breathe in this thing. 12 00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:58,377 - We're approaching planet druidia, sir. - Good. 13 00:04:59,049 --> 00:05:02,041 I'll call spaceball city and notify president skroob immediately. 14 00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:04,877 I already called him, sir. He knows everything. 15 00:05:07,265 --> 00:05:10,473 What? You went over my helmet? 16 00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:14,185 Well, not exactly over, sir. More to the side. 17 00:05:14,231 --> 00:05:17,815 I'll always call you first. It'll never happen again. Never ever! 18 00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:21,522 Oh, shit! 19 00:05:21,613 --> 00:05:24,480 No! Please! 20 00:05:24,574 --> 00:05:26,815 Please, no, not that! 21 00:05:28,620 --> 00:05:30,406 Yes, that. 22 00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:51,172 - Sandurz! - Sir. 23 00:05:51,268 --> 00:05:53,133 I don't see planet druidia. Where is it? 24 00:05:53,228 --> 00:05:56,470 We don't have visual contact yet, but we have it on the radar screen. 25 00:05:56,565 --> 00:05:59,352 - Shall I punch it up for you? - Never mind. I'll do it myself. 26 00:05:59,442 --> 00:06:00,727 Very good, sir. 27 00:06:04,114 --> 00:06:06,526 What's the matter? What's that churning and bubbling? 28 00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:08,152 You call that a radar screen? 29 00:06:08,243 --> 00:06:10,859 No, sir, we call it Mr. coffee. 30 00:06:11,288 --> 00:06:12,323 Care for some? 31 00:06:17,669 --> 00:06:19,455 - Of course I do. - Everybody knows that! 32 00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:21,332 Of course we do, sir. 33 00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:26,171 Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to watch radar. 34 00:06:26,469 --> 00:06:28,960 - Where is it? - Right here, sir. 35 00:06:29,973 --> 00:06:31,554 Switch to teleview. 36 00:06:32,809 --> 00:06:34,720 There it is. Planet druidia. 37 00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:38,224 And underneath the air shield, 10,000 years of fresh air. 38 00:06:38,565 --> 00:06:41,147 - We must get through that air shield. - We will, sir. 39 00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:44,647 Once we kidnap the Princess, we can force her father, king Roland, 40 00:06:44,696 --> 00:06:46,812 to give us the combination to the air shield, 41 00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:50,699 thereby destroying planet druidia and saving planet spaceball. 42 00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:52,984 Everybody got that? 43 00:06:53,663 --> 00:06:57,326 - Good. When will the Princess be married? - Within the hour, sir. 44 00:06:57,542 --> 00:07:02,036 Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a short honeymoon. 45 00:07:09,804 --> 00:07:12,090 Hot! Too hot. 46 00:07:29,074 --> 00:07:32,441 If only your mother were alive to see this day. 47 00:07:32,577 --> 00:07:34,442 - Is everyone ready? - Yes, your majesty. 48 00:07:34,537 --> 00:07:36,277 No! Where's my droid of honor? 49 00:07:36,373 --> 00:07:39,365 Oh, dear, yes. Where's dot? Dot? 50 00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:41,704 Dot matrix! 51 00:07:42,087 --> 00:07:43,873 Oh, thank god, dear! 52 00:07:44,923 --> 00:07:46,163 Where've you been? 53 00:07:46,216 --> 00:07:49,083 Here I am. I'm sorry. I had to make a pit stop. 54 00:07:49,177 --> 00:07:51,884 I'm so excited, I couldn't hold my oil. 55 00:07:52,013 --> 00:07:54,846 All right, people. It's magic time! 56 00:07:54,891 --> 00:07:57,598 All right, everyone, starting on the left foot. 57 00:07:57,686 --> 00:08:00,894 - Daddy, that's the right foot. - It's too late. Keep going. 58 00:08:14,619 --> 00:08:15,699 Daddy. 59 00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:18,907 Must I go through with this? 60 00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:21,365 I'm sorry, my dear. You have to. 61 00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:32,751 But, daddy, 62 00:08:34,639 --> 00:08:36,095 I don't love him. 63 00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:39,633 I'm sorry, Vespa. He's the last prince left in the galaxy. 64 00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:55,357 Dearly beloved, we are gathered here on this most joyous occasion 65 00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:59,286 to witness Princess Vespa, daughter of king Roland, 66 00:08:59,330 --> 00:09:02,822 going right past the altar, heading down the ramp 67 00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:04,703 and out the door! 68 00:09:04,794 --> 00:09:07,410 Stop her! Someone stop her! Stop her! 69 00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:10,838 Hey, wait! You forgot to get married! 70 00:09:10,925 --> 00:09:12,506 Will you stop? 71 00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:14,626 What are you doing? 72 00:09:14,763 --> 00:09:16,799 No questions, dot. Get in. 73 00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:29,979 What is she doing? Where is she going? 74 00:09:34,157 --> 00:09:37,320 Come back! 75 00:10:35,093 --> 00:10:36,299 Barf. 76 00:10:51,234 --> 00:10:52,349 Barf? 77 00:10:52,569 --> 00:10:54,434 Always when I'm eating. 78 00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:05,824 - What can I do you for, boss? - Where you been? 79 00:11:05,915 --> 00:11:06,915 Grabbing myself a snack. 80 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,115 - You want some? - No! 81 00:11:08,209 --> 00:11:11,667 - A little hair of the dog? - No! Listen, answer that thing for me. 82 00:11:11,754 --> 00:11:13,745 - Will you watch that? - Sorry. 83 00:11:13,798 --> 00:11:16,835 I'll just throw on our audio here. That way they won't see you. 84 00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:21,636 - Yello! - Hello, lone starr. 85 00:11:21,723 --> 00:11:23,259 Sorry, wrong switch. 86 00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:25,681 Hello, Vinnie. What do you want? 87 00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:28,976 No, it's not what I want. 88 00:11:29,564 --> 00:11:31,976 It's what he wants. 89 00:11:35,278 --> 00:11:36,939 Pizza the hutt. 90 00:11:37,947 --> 00:11:41,030 Well, if it isn't lone starr 91 00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:43,658 and his sidekick, puke. 92 00:11:44,495 --> 00:11:48,113 - That's barf. - Barf, puke, whatever. 93 00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:50,498 Where's my money? 94 00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:53,122 Don't worry, pizza. You'll have it by next week. 95 00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:56,125 No. I gotta have it by tomorrow. 96 00:11:56,507 --> 00:11:59,544 100,000 space bucks? By tomorrow? 97 00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:03,299 100,000? No way! 98 00:12:03,806 --> 00:12:05,467 You forgot late charges 99 00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:09,634 which brings it up to 1 million space bucks! 100 00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:12,687 A million? That's unfair! 101 00:12:13,191 --> 00:12:15,182 Unfair to the payer, 102 00:12:15,652 --> 00:12:17,734 but not to the payee. 103 00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:23,990 But you're gonna pay it or else... 104 00:12:25,411 --> 00:12:26,901 Or else what? 105 00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:28,657 Tell him, Vinnie. 106 00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:35,999 Or else pizza is gonna send out for you. 107 00:12:43,012 --> 00:12:45,799 You're delicious. Boys. 108 00:13:10,999 --> 00:13:12,364 Can we talk? 109 00:13:13,042 --> 00:13:15,875 Okay. We all know prince valium is a pill, 110 00:13:15,962 --> 00:13:18,374 but you could've married him for your father's sake 111 00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:21,422 and then had a headache for the next 25 years. 112 00:13:23,553 --> 00:13:25,839 Will you turn that thing off? 113 00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:30,055 What? 114 00:13:31,060 --> 00:13:32,391 What is it? 115 00:13:32,729 --> 00:13:36,347 I was saying, do you realize what you've done? 116 00:13:36,399 --> 00:13:38,731 Yes! And I'm glad. 117 00:13:38,901 --> 00:13:41,688 Glad. 118 00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:45,192 I wonder if she's glad. 119 00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:55,240 Don't be ridiculous. 120 00:13:55,293 --> 00:13:59,878 As president of planet spaceball, I can assure both you and your viewers 121 00:14:00,089 --> 00:14:03,673 that there's absolutely no air shortage whatsoever. 122 00:14:03,885 --> 00:14:07,093 Yes, of course. I've heard the same rumor myself. 123 00:14:07,388 --> 00:14:10,175 Yes, thanks for calling and not reversing the charges. 124 00:14:10,266 --> 00:14:11,506 Yes, bye. 125 00:14:12,602 --> 00:14:13,842 Shithead. 126 00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:33,411 - President skroob. - Yes? 127 00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,204 This is central control. 128 00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:37,577 Spaceball commanderette zircon speaking, sir. 129 00:14:37,627 --> 00:14:39,083 Yes, what is it, commanderette? 130 00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:42,712 Lord helmet has just notified us that Princess Vespa is in sight 131 00:14:42,799 --> 00:14:44,790 and spaceball one is closing in on her. 132 00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:46,124 Good. 133 00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:50,303 We have both ships coming up on the teledar, sir, if you wish to observe. 134 00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:51,755 I'll be down immediately. 135 00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:54,550 Should I have snotty beam you down, sir? 136 00:14:55,061 --> 00:14:57,848 I don't know about that beaming stuff. Is it safe? 137 00:14:58,106 --> 00:15:01,189 Oh, yes, sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night. 138 00:15:01,818 --> 00:15:03,479 It was wonderful. 139 00:15:04,362 --> 00:15:08,321 All right. I'll take a shot at it. What the hell, it works on Star Trek. 140 00:15:12,787 --> 00:15:14,027 Shotty, 141 00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:16,787 - beam him down. - Yes, sir. Immediately, sir. 142 00:15:30,972 --> 00:15:33,588 Great beasties! What's happened to his head? 143 00:15:33,683 --> 00:15:35,344 It's on backwards! 144 00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:37,801 This is terrible! Do something! 145 00:15:37,895 --> 00:15:42,013 I'm sorry, sir. There must have been a micro-converter malfunction. 146 00:15:43,693 --> 00:15:46,480 Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big? 147 00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:51,860 Hold on, sir. We'll try to reverse the beam. 148 00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:54,989 It could be the interlocking system. 149 00:15:58,666 --> 00:16:02,284 Lock one. Lock two. Lock three. Loch lomond! 150 00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:15,721 Are you all right, Mr. president? 151 00:16:15,766 --> 00:16:17,848 Fine. No thanks to you! 152 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,433 We'll beam you back, sir. 153 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:21,886 Forget it. No more beaming. 154 00:16:22,064 --> 00:16:23,770 This time I'm gonna walk. 155 00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:29,526 President skroob! Salute! 156 00:16:30,072 --> 00:16:31,528 Hail, skroob! 157 00:16:33,409 --> 00:16:36,116 Hello, president skroob. 158 00:16:37,455 --> 00:16:39,912 - Hello, charlene. - I'm Marlene. 159 00:16:39,957 --> 00:16:42,414 - Hello, Marlene. - I'm charlene. 160 00:16:42,877 --> 00:16:44,367 Chew your gum. 161 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:46,039 Where's the Princess? 162 00:16:46,088 --> 00:16:48,670 Right there, sir, on the left side of the screen 163 00:16:48,758 --> 00:16:52,467 approaching spaceball one at 1,500 light leagues per minute. 164 00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:55,132 Good. She's almost in our grasp. 165 00:16:55,473 --> 00:16:58,089 Tell dark helmet he must take the Princess alive. 166 00:17:05,983 --> 00:17:08,474 Princess Vespa's spaceship within range, sir. 167 00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:09,649 Good. 168 00:17:09,904 --> 00:17:13,112 Fire a warning shot across her nose. 169 00:17:15,785 --> 00:17:17,025 What's going on? 170 00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:20,737 It's either the fourth of July, or someone's trying to kill us! 171 00:17:25,294 --> 00:17:28,127 I don't have to put up with this. I'm rich. 172 00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:32,457 - What are you doing? - I'm calling my father. 173 00:17:33,094 --> 00:17:35,961 1-800-druidia. 174 00:17:38,766 --> 00:17:41,803 Careful, you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it! 175 00:17:43,271 --> 00:17:45,262 Sorry, sir. I'm doing my best. 176 00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:50,521 He's my cousin. 177 00:17:51,153 --> 00:17:53,189 - Who is he? - He's an asshole, sir. 178 00:17:53,322 --> 00:17:56,109 - I know that. What's his name? - That is his name, sir. 179 00:17:56,158 --> 00:17:57,989 Asshole. Major asshole. 180 00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:00,033 - And his cousin? - He's an asshole, too, sir. 181 00:18:00,121 --> 00:18:02,362 Gunner's mate, first class, Phillip asshole. 182 00:18:02,456 --> 00:18:04,913 How many assholes we got on this ship anyhow? 183 00:18:05,001 --> 00:18:06,001 Yol 184 00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:11,871 I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes. 185 00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,629 Keep firing, assholes! 186 00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:19,133 Hurry, daddy. Hurry! 187 00:18:19,682 --> 00:18:23,595 There are laser blasts all around us! I'm scared. 188 00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:28,687 King Roland to lone starr. 189 00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:30,014 Are you there? 190 00:18:30,484 --> 00:18:33,521 Lone starr, you've got to help me. Please save my daughter. 191 00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:35,774 She's being attacked by spaceballs! 192 00:18:35,865 --> 00:18:38,106 Spaceballs? Forget it. Too dangerous. 193 00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:41,863 Besides, I'm already numero uno on dark helmet's hit list. 194 00:18:42,038 --> 00:18:45,201 Look, your highness, it's not that we're afraid. Far from it. 195 00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:48,491 It's just that we got this thing about death. It's not us. 196 00:18:48,544 --> 00:18:49,544 Please, you must! 197 00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:52,587 You're the only ones that can save her! I'll give you anything! 198 00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:54,709 Did you hear me? Anything. 199 00:18:55,343 --> 00:18:57,550 - Anything? - Yes, anything. 200 00:18:59,055 --> 00:19:03,344 - Okay. We'll do it for a million. - A million? 201 00:19:03,392 --> 00:19:06,509 You're starting to fade here. We're losing picture, your highness. 202 00:19:06,562 --> 00:19:09,679 All right, I'll pay it. Only find her, save her. 203 00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:11,851 All right, king. You just made a deal. 204 00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:14,358 One Princess for 1 million space bucks. 205 00:19:14,403 --> 00:19:15,563 What's she driving? 206 00:19:15,613 --> 00:19:17,353 A brand-new white Mercedes 207 00:19:17,406 --> 00:19:19,647 2001 sel limited edition. 208 00:19:19,742 --> 00:19:24,076 Moon roof, all-leather interior. I got it at a very good price. I paid cash. 209 00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:26,745 My cousin, prince Murray, has a dealership in the valley. 210 00:19:26,791 --> 00:19:29,077 - He was very nice to me. - We get the idea. 211 00:19:29,126 --> 00:19:32,414 - Where was she last seen? - She was just passing Jupiter two. 212 00:19:32,463 --> 00:19:33,578 We'll find her. 213 00:19:33,631 --> 00:19:35,872 Please bring her back safely. 214 00:19:36,884 --> 00:19:40,001 And if it's at all possible, try to save the car. 215 00:19:42,056 --> 00:19:45,389 1 million space bucks! We'll be able to pay off pizza the hutt! 216 00:19:45,434 --> 00:19:46,640 Give me paw! 217 00:19:56,904 --> 00:19:58,519 What's that glow? 218 00:19:58,948 --> 00:20:01,610 - We're not moving. - We're moving, all right. 219 00:20:02,284 --> 00:20:03,615 Backwards. 220 00:20:08,916 --> 00:20:11,077 Look, there's our Princess. She's got company. 221 00:20:11,127 --> 00:20:13,083 Oh, no. Spaceballs! 222 00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:15,461 And they've already got her in their magnetic beam. 223 00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:17,129 We're too late. What a shame. 224 00:20:17,174 --> 00:20:19,381 I'll throw her in reverse. We'll get out of here. 225 00:20:19,468 --> 00:20:20,799 No! Bad. 226 00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:23,844 What are we doing risking our lives for a runaway Princess? 227 00:20:23,931 --> 00:20:25,762 - I know we need the money, but... - Listen, 228 00:20:25,808 --> 00:20:28,299 we're not just doing this for money. 229 00:20:30,479 --> 00:20:33,186 We're doing it for a shitload of money. 230 00:20:33,524 --> 00:20:34,809 You're right. 231 00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:38,142 And when you're right, you're right. And you, you're always right. 232 00:20:38,195 --> 00:20:39,981 Okay, we save her. But how? 233 00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:43,189 The minute we move in there, they're gonna spot us on their radar. 234 00:20:45,161 --> 00:20:46,867 Not if we jam it. 235 00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:48,997 You're right. 236 00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:50,992 - Down scope. - Down scope. 237 00:20:57,339 --> 00:21:01,548 Radar about to be jammed. 238 00:21:25,910 --> 00:21:27,025 Shit. 239 00:21:33,375 --> 00:21:35,366 - Sir. - What is it? 240 00:21:35,419 --> 00:21:38,377 Can I talk to you for a minute, please, sir? 241 00:21:41,926 --> 00:21:44,087 - Well? - I'm having trouble with the radar, sir. 242 00:21:44,178 --> 00:21:47,045 You don't need that, private. We're right here. What is it? 243 00:21:47,097 --> 00:21:49,304 I'm having trouble with the radar, sir. 244 00:21:49,391 --> 00:21:50,391 Now what is it? 245 00:21:50,476 --> 00:21:52,717 - I'm having trouble with the radar. - What's wrong? 246 00:21:52,812 --> 00:21:55,053 I've lost the bleeps, the sweeps, and the creeps. 247 00:21:55,105 --> 00:21:57,938 - The what? And the what? - You know. The bleeps. 248 00:22:00,861 --> 00:22:02,351 The sweeps. 249 00:22:04,490 --> 00:22:05,900 And the creeps. 250 00:22:07,743 --> 00:22:09,449 That's not all he's lost. 251 00:22:09,829 --> 00:22:11,820 Sir. The radar, sir. 252 00:22:11,914 --> 00:22:13,654 It appears to be 253 00:22:14,458 --> 00:22:15,664 jammed. 254 00:22:17,253 --> 00:22:18,413 Jammed. 255 00:22:22,424 --> 00:22:23,755 Raspberry. 256 00:22:25,594 --> 00:22:30,179 Well, there's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry. 257 00:22:31,183 --> 00:22:33,265 Lone starr! 258 00:23:01,338 --> 00:23:02,669 What was that? 259 00:23:03,132 --> 00:23:05,123 Never mind that. What was that? 260 00:23:07,386 --> 00:23:08,386 Hi. 261 00:23:08,637 --> 00:23:10,548 - Who are you? - Barf. 262 00:23:11,140 --> 00:23:13,472 Not in here, mister. This is a Mercedes. 263 00:23:13,642 --> 00:23:16,304 - No, that's my name. Barf. - Barf? 264 00:23:16,979 --> 00:23:18,344 What are you? 265 00:23:18,564 --> 00:23:20,896 I'm a mawg: Half man, half dog. 266 00:23:21,317 --> 00:23:23,228 I'm my own best friend. 267 00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:24,645 What do you want? 268 00:23:24,695 --> 00:23:27,152 Your father hired captain lone starr and me to save you. 269 00:23:27,197 --> 00:23:29,062 We got to hop up this ladder and get out. 270 00:23:29,158 --> 00:23:31,319 Good. Quick. Hurry, darling. Follow the dog. 271 00:23:31,368 --> 00:23:32,858 Mawg. I'm a mawg. 272 00:23:33,162 --> 00:23:35,699 Wait. What about my matched luggage? 273 00:23:41,670 --> 00:23:43,831 - Stop looking up my can. - Sorry. 274 00:23:53,682 --> 00:23:57,516 Checking in? What the hell is all that? 275 00:23:59,688 --> 00:24:02,270 It's her royal highness's matched luggage! 276 00:24:02,358 --> 00:24:03,393 What? 277 00:24:04,026 --> 00:24:06,608 Her royal highness's matched luggage. 278 00:24:07,529 --> 00:24:09,019 Matched luggage, huh? 279 00:24:09,073 --> 00:24:11,655 What's she think this is, a Princess cruise? 280 00:24:12,284 --> 00:24:15,242 - Well, she wouldn't go without it. - Oh, yeah? 281 00:24:19,500 --> 00:24:23,539 Now hear this. The minute we get out of here, the first thing we do is 282 00:24:23,587 --> 00:24:25,578 dump the matched luggage. 283 00:24:28,884 --> 00:24:31,626 Now you hear this, whoever you are. 284 00:24:32,054 --> 00:24:34,386 You will not touch that luggage. 285 00:24:34,515 --> 00:24:37,348 And furthermore, I want this pigsty cleaned up. 286 00:24:37,518 --> 00:24:40,055 I will not be rescued in such filth. 287 00:24:40,688 --> 00:24:44,397 Listen. On this ship, I don't take orders, I give them. 288 00:24:44,483 --> 00:24:46,895 This is my dreamboat, sweetheart. 289 00:24:47,194 --> 00:24:48,559 Sweetheart? 290 00:24:50,906 --> 00:24:53,192 How dare you speak to me that way? 291 00:24:53,325 --> 00:24:56,613 You will address me in the proper manner as your royal highness. 292 00:24:56,704 --> 00:24:58,569 I am Princess Vespa, 293 00:24:58,789 --> 00:25:01,997 daughter of Roland, king of the druids. 294 00:25:04,712 --> 00:25:06,498 That's all we needed. 295 00:25:06,588 --> 00:25:09,250 A druish Princess. 296 00:25:11,844 --> 00:25:14,176 Funny. She doesn't look druish. 297 00:25:50,924 --> 00:25:54,337 Now we will show her who is in charge of this galaxy. 298 00:25:55,596 --> 00:25:59,134 Hold it. I'll handle this personally. 299 00:26:00,642 --> 00:26:02,382 Jawohl, lord helmet! 300 00:26:05,814 --> 00:26:08,146 So, Princess Vespa, 301 00:26:08,192 --> 00:26:11,980 you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of planet spaceball. 302 00:26:12,404 --> 00:26:14,065 Well, you were wrong. 303 00:26:14,490 --> 00:26:16,321 You are now our prisoner. 304 00:26:16,408 --> 00:26:19,320 And you will be held hostage until such time 305 00:26:19,411 --> 00:26:22,903 as all of the air is transferred from your planet 306 00:26:23,165 --> 00:26:24,951 to ours. 307 00:26:33,550 --> 00:26:35,006 She's not in there. 308 00:26:36,595 --> 00:26:37,835 Radar repaired, sir. 309 00:26:37,888 --> 00:26:40,971 We're picking up the outline of a winnebago. 310 00:26:41,642 --> 00:26:42,973 Winnebago? 311 00:26:43,519 --> 00:26:45,009 Lone starr. 312 00:26:54,196 --> 00:26:56,061 Here comes the badyear blimp. 313 00:26:56,907 --> 00:27:00,240 - We'd better get out of here in a hurry. - Switch to secret hyper-jets. 314 00:27:00,327 --> 00:27:02,067 Switching to secret hyper-jets. 315 00:27:02,162 --> 00:27:05,529 Buckle up back there, we're going into hyperactive. 316 00:27:13,215 --> 00:27:14,546 We're closing in on them, sir. 317 00:27:14,633 --> 00:27:16,919 In less than a minute, lone starr will be ours. 318 00:27:17,010 --> 00:27:19,717 Good. Prepare to attack. 319 00:27:19,763 --> 00:27:21,094 Prepare to attack. 320 00:27:21,181 --> 00:27:23,137 On the count of three. 321 00:27:23,517 --> 00:27:24,632 One, 322 00:27:25,269 --> 00:27:26,429 two, 323 00:27:27,396 --> 00:27:28,511 late! 324 00:27:28,564 --> 00:27:30,896 - What happened? Where are they? - I don't know, sir. 325 00:27:30,983 --> 00:27:32,723 They must have hyper-jets on that thing. 326 00:27:32,818 --> 00:27:34,934 And what have we got on this thing, a cuisinart? 327 00:27:35,028 --> 00:27:36,063 No, sir. 328 00:27:36,113 --> 00:27:38,229 - Well, find them, catch them! - Yes, sir. 329 00:27:38,282 --> 00:27:41,695 - Prepare ship for light speed. - No, light speed is too slow. 330 00:27:41,743 --> 00:27:42,903 Light speed too slow? 331 00:27:42,953 --> 00:27:46,366 Yes. We're gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed. 332 00:27:47,124 --> 00:27:48,239 Ludicrous speed? 333 00:27:48,333 --> 00:27:51,416 We've never gone that fast. I don't know if this ship can take it. 334 00:27:51,503 --> 00:27:53,368 What's the matter, colonel sandurz? 335 00:27:53,422 --> 00:27:54,662 Chicken? 336 00:27:56,341 --> 00:27:57,797 Prepare ship. 337 00:27:58,510 --> 00:28:00,922 Prepare ship for ludicrous speed. 338 00:28:01,305 --> 00:28:02,920 Fasten all seat belts. 339 00:28:02,973 --> 00:28:04,679 Seal all entrances and exits. 340 00:28:04,766 --> 00:28:06,552 Close all shops in the mall. 341 00:28:06,602 --> 00:28:08,558 Cancel the three-ring circus. 342 00:28:08,604 --> 00:28:10,060 Secure all animals in the zoo... 343 00:28:10,105 --> 00:28:13,097 Give me that, you petty excuse for an officer. 344 00:28:14,026 --> 00:28:15,516 Now hear this. 345 00:28:15,944 --> 00:28:17,434 Ludicrous speed! 346 00:28:17,487 --> 00:28:18,798 Sir, hadn't you better buckle up? 347 00:28:18,822 --> 00:28:20,403 Buckle this. 348 00:28:20,449 --> 00:28:23,111 Ludicrous speed! Go! 349 00:28:46,058 --> 00:28:47,798 What have I done? 350 00:28:50,062 --> 00:28:54,101 My brains are going into my feet. 351 00:29:05,744 --> 00:29:07,826 What the hell was that? 352 00:29:08,413 --> 00:29:09,903 Spaceball one. 353 00:29:11,333 --> 00:29:13,198 They've gone to plaid. 354 00:29:15,003 --> 00:29:18,871 We passed them. Stop this thing. 355 00:29:18,966 --> 00:29:21,833 We can't stop. It's too dangerous. 356 00:29:21,927 --> 00:29:23,963 We've got to slow down first. 357 00:29:25,013 --> 00:29:28,346 Bullshit! Just stop this thing! 358 00:29:28,433 --> 00:29:32,017 I order you. Stop! 359 00:29:47,536 --> 00:29:49,822 Here, sir. Here. Let me help you, sir. 360 00:29:52,291 --> 00:29:53,451 Are you all right, sir? 361 00:29:53,542 --> 00:29:56,659 - Fine. How have you been? - Fine, sir. 362 00:29:56,712 --> 00:29:57,792 Good. 363 00:29:57,879 --> 00:29:59,357 Good thing you were wearing that helmet. 364 00:29:59,381 --> 00:30:01,793 - Yeah. - What shall we do now, sir? 365 00:30:02,217 --> 00:30:05,254 - Well, are we stopped? - We're stopped, sir. 366 00:30:05,345 --> 00:30:06,380 Good. 367 00:30:07,514 --> 00:30:10,756 - Why don't we take a five-minute break? - Very good, sir. 368 00:30:11,893 --> 00:30:13,758 Smoke if you got them. 369 00:30:16,857 --> 00:30:20,224 - Take her out of hyperactive. - Taking her out of hyperactive. 370 00:30:23,071 --> 00:30:24,231 Congrats, boss. We did it. 371 00:30:24,281 --> 00:30:26,863 They must have overshot us by a week-and-a-half. 372 00:30:26,908 --> 00:30:30,275 - Okay. Let's set a course for druidia. - Setting a course for... 373 00:30:30,620 --> 00:30:33,657 - What's that? - I don't know. We're losing power! 374 00:30:33,749 --> 00:30:35,330 - Why? - 'Cause we're out of gas! 375 00:30:35,417 --> 00:30:37,032 Must have burned it up in hyperactive. 376 00:30:37,085 --> 00:30:39,576 We should have put more than five bucks' worth in! 377 00:30:39,629 --> 00:30:41,415 Okay. We'll have to set her down. 378 00:30:41,506 --> 00:30:43,371 Prepare for an emergency landing. 379 00:30:43,425 --> 00:30:44,631 Quick, give me a reading! 380 00:30:44,718 --> 00:30:47,050 Our father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name... 381 00:30:47,095 --> 00:30:48,926 Will you stop that? 382 00:30:48,972 --> 00:30:50,803 Keep your seat belts fastened back there. 383 00:30:50,891 --> 00:30:52,347 You okay, Princess? 384 00:30:54,186 --> 00:30:57,394 No, you idiot! Where'd you learn how to fly? 385 00:30:57,439 --> 00:30:59,771 Okay. Eagle 5 coming in. 386 00:31:20,629 --> 00:31:22,870 Left! Go left! Right! I mean right! 387 00:31:23,131 --> 00:31:24,337 Pull up! 388 00:31:35,644 --> 00:31:36,850 Where're you going? 389 00:31:36,937 --> 00:31:39,849 I am going to tell him off once and for all. 390 00:31:40,649 --> 00:31:43,937 Wait. We'll need him to get us out of here. 391 00:31:44,027 --> 00:31:45,733 Called me an idiot? 392 00:31:45,821 --> 00:31:48,813 I'm going back there and explain a few things to her. 393 00:31:48,865 --> 00:31:52,198 Besides, he's got a sexy voice. He might be cute. 394 00:31:53,328 --> 00:31:55,865 - You haven't seen her. - I know what she looks like. 395 00:31:55,956 --> 00:31:57,696 You've seen one, you've seen them all. 396 00:31:57,791 --> 00:32:00,999 Cute? I know these space bums, they're all alike. 397 00:32:01,294 --> 00:32:02,454 Fat, ugly... 398 00:32:02,504 --> 00:32:03,835 Buck-toothed, knock-kneed... 399 00:32:03,880 --> 00:32:05,495 Beer-swilling pigs! 400 00:32:05,590 --> 00:32:07,126 Horse-faced space dogs! 401 00:32:07,175 --> 00:32:08,790 Yeah, well, normally... 402 00:32:09,261 --> 00:32:10,922 That's gonna leave a Mark. 403 00:32:11,012 --> 00:32:12,718 Now listen, you... 404 00:32:14,433 --> 00:32:15,433 You listen. 405 00:32:15,517 --> 00:32:19,556 On this ship, you're to refer to me as "idiot," not "you captain." 406 00:32:20,063 --> 00:32:21,769 I mean... you know what I mean. 407 00:32:21,857 --> 00:32:23,848 And you will not call me "you." 408 00:32:23,942 --> 00:32:26,103 You will never address me as "you." 409 00:32:26,194 --> 00:32:28,856 You will call me "your royal highness"! 410 00:32:29,197 --> 00:32:31,734 You are a royal pain in the... 411 00:32:32,200 --> 00:32:33,531 - Hold it. Time! - What? 412 00:32:33,577 --> 00:32:35,158 May I make a small suggestion? 413 00:32:35,203 --> 00:32:38,036 Any minute now, the spaceballs will make a major u-turn, 414 00:32:38,123 --> 00:32:40,489 head back this way, and make us all dead. 415 00:32:40,542 --> 00:32:42,282 He's right. Let's go. 416 00:32:42,377 --> 00:32:43,958 Wait. My things. 417 00:32:44,671 --> 00:32:46,582 Now listen, you royal... 418 00:32:47,466 --> 00:32:48,672 Highness. 419 00:32:48,717 --> 00:32:51,880 Take only what you need to survive. 420 00:33:12,824 --> 00:33:16,692 Please slow down. I'm getting sand up my gears. 421 00:33:19,789 --> 00:33:22,576 Gee, I hope she didn't forget anything. 422 00:33:27,464 --> 00:33:30,422 All right, wait a minute, barf. Put it down. 423 00:33:31,885 --> 00:33:34,092 What the hell's in this thing? 424 00:33:38,767 --> 00:33:39,767 What's this? 425 00:33:40,268 --> 00:33:43,556 I said, take only what you need to survive. 426 00:33:43,605 --> 00:33:45,971 My industrial-strength hair dryer. 427 00:33:46,066 --> 00:33:48,307 And I can't live without it! 428 00:33:49,778 --> 00:33:51,939 Okay, Princess, that's it. 429 00:33:52,447 --> 00:33:54,062 The fairy tale is over. 430 00:33:54,616 --> 00:33:56,402 Welcome to real life. 431 00:33:56,785 --> 00:33:59,527 You want this hot air machine, you carry it. 432 00:34:00,914 --> 00:34:02,620 You pick that up. 433 00:34:03,792 --> 00:34:05,453 You pick that up. 434 00:34:05,961 --> 00:34:08,873 How dare you, you insolent peasant? 435 00:34:09,256 --> 00:34:11,963 Nobody talks to me that way. Nobody! 436 00:34:12,551 --> 00:34:13,757 Nobody! 437 00:34:14,135 --> 00:34:17,047 Well, what have we got here? Will you look at her? 438 00:34:17,764 --> 00:34:21,723 Those flashing eyes, those flushed cheeks, those trembling lips. 439 00:34:21,893 --> 00:34:23,804 You know something, Princess? 440 00:34:23,895 --> 00:34:26,181 You are ugly when you're angry. 441 00:34:27,524 --> 00:34:28,855 That's it. 442 00:34:28,984 --> 00:34:32,067 - You and your dog are... - Please. 443 00:34:32,153 --> 00:34:34,018 Total humans, droids, if I may? 444 00:34:34,114 --> 00:34:38,027 It's going to be very dark soon. I suggest we find a place to camp for the night. 445 00:34:38,118 --> 00:34:39,608 Come, darling. 446 00:34:45,834 --> 00:34:47,665 See? It's lighter. 447 00:34:47,752 --> 00:34:50,289 Oh, yeah. This is the best. 448 00:34:51,381 --> 00:34:54,293 I could have carried two or three of these. 449 00:34:56,261 --> 00:34:59,344 - Have you found them yet? - No, lord helmet. 450 00:34:59,431 --> 00:35:03,390 - They're still not on the scanner. - Well, keep looking for them. 451 00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:14,646 Pardon me, sir. I have an idea. 452 00:35:15,030 --> 00:35:18,522 Corporal, get me the video cassette of spaceballs: The movie. 453 00:35:18,575 --> 00:35:19,860 Yes, sir. 454 00:35:23,413 --> 00:35:26,701 "The producers, twelve chairs, blazing saddles, young Frankenstein." 455 00:35:26,750 --> 00:35:29,162 Colonel sandurz, may I speak with you, please? 456 00:35:29,210 --> 00:35:30,210 Yes, sir. 457 00:35:30,295 --> 00:35:32,786 How can there be a cassette of spaceballs: The movie? 458 00:35:32,881 --> 00:35:35,247 - We're still in the middle of making it. - True, sir. 459 00:35:35,342 --> 00:35:37,879 There's been a new breakthrough in home video marketing. 460 00:35:37,969 --> 00:35:40,711 - There has? - Yes. Instant cassettes. 461 00:35:40,764 --> 00:35:43,881 They're out in stores before the movie is finished. 462 00:35:43,975 --> 00:35:44,975 No. 463 00:35:45,060 --> 00:35:48,268 Here it is, sir! Spaceballs. 464 00:35:48,396 --> 00:35:50,557 Good work, corporal. Punch it up. 465 00:35:54,778 --> 00:35:56,894 That's much too early. Prepare to fast-forward. 466 00:35:56,946 --> 00:35:58,061 Preparing to fast-forward. 467 00:35:58,114 --> 00:36:00,321 - Fast-forward! - Fast-forwarding, sir. 468 00:36:18,843 --> 00:36:21,255 No, go past this. Past this part. 469 00:36:21,304 --> 00:36:23,590 In fact, never play this again. 470 00:36:26,518 --> 00:36:28,054 Try here. Stop. 471 00:36:39,447 --> 00:36:41,028 What the hell am I looking at? 472 00:36:41,116 --> 00:36:43,607 - When does this happen in the movie? - Now. 473 00:36:43,660 --> 00:36:45,070 You're looking at now, sir. 474 00:36:45,120 --> 00:36:47,236 Everything that happens now is happening now. 475 00:36:47,288 --> 00:36:49,199 - What happened to then? - We passed then. 476 00:36:49,290 --> 00:36:50,370 - When? - Just now. 477 00:36:50,458 --> 00:36:52,540 - We're at now, now. - Go back to then. 478 00:36:52,627 --> 00:36:53,912 - When? - Now. 479 00:36:53,962 --> 00:36:55,827 - I can't. We missed it. - When? 480 00:36:55,922 --> 00:36:57,207 Just now. 481 00:36:57,382 --> 00:36:59,794 - When will then be now? - Soon. 482 00:37:01,344 --> 00:37:02,504 How soon? 483 00:37:02,595 --> 00:37:04,460 Sir! We've identified their location! 484 00:37:04,514 --> 00:37:05,970 - Where? - It's the moon of vega. 485 00:37:06,015 --> 00:37:07,801 Set a course and prepare for our arrival. 486 00:37:07,892 --> 00:37:09,177 - When? - 1900 hours, sir. 487 00:37:09,269 --> 00:37:11,555 By high noon tomorrow, they will be our prisoners. 488 00:37:11,646 --> 00:37:12,681 Who? 489 00:37:30,665 --> 00:37:32,747 No, thank you. I'm perfectly all right. 490 00:37:32,834 --> 00:37:34,745 Take it, it's freezing. 491 00:37:34,919 --> 00:37:36,409 If you insist. 492 00:37:44,220 --> 00:37:45,380 Won't you be cold? 493 00:37:45,472 --> 00:37:47,679 No, cold never bothers me. 494 00:37:54,022 --> 00:37:57,185 - I can't seem to find druidia. - It's right there. 495 00:37:57,650 --> 00:37:58,650 Where? 496 00:37:58,693 --> 00:38:02,185 It's right there. It's that bright blue one right there. See? 497 00:38:03,448 --> 00:38:07,566 Oh, yeah. But it's so far away. 498 00:38:09,120 --> 00:38:11,452 Don't worry, I'll get you there. 499 00:38:12,499 --> 00:38:14,615 - Which one's yours? - Who knows? 500 00:38:14,709 --> 00:38:16,165 You don't know where you're from? 501 00:38:16,211 --> 00:38:19,248 Not really. I was found on the doorstep of a monastery. 502 00:38:19,380 --> 00:38:22,747 - Monastery? Where? - Somewhere in the Ford galaxy. 503 00:38:23,843 --> 00:38:26,334 Well, didn't the monks tell you who your parents were? 504 00:38:26,387 --> 00:38:29,220 They couldn't. They took a vow of silence. 505 00:38:29,307 --> 00:38:32,094 All I got was this. It was around my neck. 506 00:38:32,185 --> 00:38:33,550 - What is it? - I don't know. 507 00:38:33,603 --> 00:38:35,889 I've taken it to every wise man in the universe 508 00:38:35,980 --> 00:38:38,562 and nobody could tell me what it means. 509 00:38:39,859 --> 00:38:41,395 It's beautiful. 510 00:38:42,862 --> 00:38:44,398 You know, I... 511 00:38:47,116 --> 00:38:48,652 It's beautiful. 512 00:38:53,081 --> 00:38:55,948 So, how come you ran away from your wedding? 513 00:38:57,001 --> 00:39:00,710 Well, if you must know, I wasn't in love with the groom. 514 00:39:01,297 --> 00:39:03,288 Why were you going to marry him? 515 00:39:03,383 --> 00:39:07,717 Because I'm a Princess, and I have to marry a prince. 516 00:39:08,388 --> 00:39:11,004 And he doesn't do it for you, huh? 517 00:39:11,933 --> 00:39:14,675 No, he doesn't do it for me. 518 00:39:18,940 --> 00:39:20,805 I really must go back. 519 00:39:22,277 --> 00:39:24,313 I shouldn't have run away. 520 00:39:24,904 --> 00:39:28,146 I realize now that love is one luxury 521 00:39:28,241 --> 00:39:30,277 a Princess cannot afford. 522 00:39:30,785 --> 00:39:32,321 You're probably right. 523 00:39:33,079 --> 00:39:36,867 I know now that I must learn to live without love. 524 00:39:37,083 --> 00:39:38,448 I guess so. 525 00:39:38,585 --> 00:39:40,667 Besides, love isn't that important. 526 00:39:40,753 --> 00:39:42,709 No, it never was. 527 00:39:42,797 --> 00:39:46,335 I could be perfectly happy the rest of my life without 528 00:39:47,468 --> 00:39:48,583 love. 529 00:39:49,137 --> 00:39:50,673 Sure you could. 530 00:39:52,765 --> 00:39:56,974 - Without physical contact. - Yeah. 531 00:39:57,437 --> 00:40:00,850 - Without being held. - Yeah. 532 00:40:02,775 --> 00:40:04,106 Or kissed. 533 00:40:11,534 --> 00:40:13,991 Abandon ship! 534 00:40:14,078 --> 00:40:15,659 Women and mawgs first! 535 00:40:16,956 --> 00:40:18,992 We'll have none of that, mister. 536 00:40:19,083 --> 00:40:21,165 How far did he get? What did he touch? 537 00:40:21,210 --> 00:40:22,666 Nothing happened! 538 00:40:22,754 --> 00:40:24,369 What the hell was that noise? 539 00:40:24,464 --> 00:40:26,079 That was my virgin alarm. 540 00:40:26,174 --> 00:40:28,665 It's programmed to go off before you do. 541 00:40:28,760 --> 00:40:30,796 You get back to bed, miss. 542 00:40:30,845 --> 00:40:32,301 And as for you, sex fiend... 543 00:40:32,347 --> 00:40:34,929 All right. Let's all just get some sleep. 544 00:40:35,016 --> 00:40:38,008 - We gotta get moving before dawn. - Why so early? 545 00:40:38,061 --> 00:40:40,097 Because we're in the middle of the desert 546 00:40:40,188 --> 00:40:44,227 and we aren't gonna get very far once that blazing sun gets overhead. 547 00:40:48,863 --> 00:40:50,273 Nice dissolve. 548 00:41:00,041 --> 00:41:02,327 Water. 549 00:41:12,553 --> 00:41:14,418 Oil. 550 00:41:16,516 --> 00:41:19,132 Room service. 551 00:41:24,941 --> 00:41:27,148 Chief, I'm dead. 552 00:41:30,488 --> 00:41:32,399 I can't go any further. 553 00:41:34,742 --> 00:41:36,528 Come on, barf, old buddy. 554 00:41:37,662 --> 00:41:39,903 - Just one more dune to go. - No! 555 00:41:40,289 --> 00:41:43,907 You said that three dunes ago. I got no more left. 556 00:41:45,962 --> 00:41:48,328 Oh, waiter. Check, please. 557 00:41:50,967 --> 00:41:52,332 Must go on. 558 00:41:59,017 --> 00:42:00,757 Who am I kidding? 559 00:43:01,996 --> 00:43:03,486 Thanks, little guy. 560 00:43:06,125 --> 00:43:07,205 Thank you. 561 00:43:09,420 --> 00:43:11,206 Did I miss something? 562 00:43:11,756 --> 00:43:13,997 When did we get to Disneyland? 563 00:43:31,943 --> 00:43:33,979 I don't see them, sandurz. 564 00:43:34,070 --> 00:43:36,482 I've sent the troops on ahead to vector 78, sir. 565 00:43:36,531 --> 00:43:39,273 - Let's get moving. - Yes, sir. Driver, prepare to move out. 566 00:43:39,367 --> 00:43:42,029 What are you preparing? You're always preparing. Just go. 567 00:43:42,120 --> 00:43:43,326 - Just go. - Yes, sir. 568 00:43:43,371 --> 00:43:45,532 Sir, shouldn't you sit down? 569 00:44:03,724 --> 00:44:04,930 What're they saying? 570 00:44:05,017 --> 00:44:08,134 Well, it's obvious they want us to go with them. 571 00:44:17,613 --> 00:44:19,353 What is this place? 572 00:44:19,407 --> 00:44:21,739 It looks like the temple of doom. 573 00:44:21,826 --> 00:44:24,442 Well, it sure ain't temple Beth Israel. 574 00:44:24,579 --> 00:44:27,286 Come on. I think we'd better follow them. 575 00:44:40,261 --> 00:44:41,876 I think we woke it up. 576 00:44:42,555 --> 00:44:44,637 Goodbye, folks! Let me know how it turns out. 577 00:44:44,724 --> 00:44:47,056 - Come back here, dot! - Come on. We gotta keep going. 578 00:44:47,101 --> 00:44:48,591 We need you. 579 00:44:54,901 --> 00:44:56,812 What's gonna happen now? 580 00:44:56,903 --> 00:44:58,609 Don't ask. Maybe it won't. 581 00:44:58,654 --> 00:44:59,939 But what if it does? 582 00:44:59,989 --> 00:45:02,230 I don't know about you, but I'm all for leaving. 583 00:45:02,283 --> 00:45:05,275 I say we get out of here right now, while the going... 584 00:45:06,037 --> 00:45:07,277 Silence! 585 00:45:07,955 --> 00:45:11,413 Who dares enter the sacred and awesome presence 586 00:45:11,459 --> 00:45:14,701 of the everlasting know-it-all, yogurt? 587 00:45:16,297 --> 00:45:17,537 Yogurt? 588 00:45:27,642 --> 00:45:28,848 You heard of me? 589 00:45:28,935 --> 00:45:31,847 Heard of you? Who hasn't heard of yogurt? 590 00:45:32,396 --> 00:45:33,886 Yogurt, the wise. 591 00:45:34,106 --> 00:45:35,812 Yogurt, the all-powerful. 592 00:45:35,983 --> 00:45:37,723 Yogurt, the magnificent. 593 00:45:37,818 --> 00:45:41,561 Please, don't make a fuss. I'm just plain yogurt. 594 00:45:42,198 --> 00:45:44,189 - But you're the one... - Yes. 595 00:45:44,325 --> 00:45:46,907 I am the keeper of a greater magic, 596 00:45:47,495 --> 00:45:50,828 a power known throughout the universe as the... 597 00:45:50,915 --> 00:45:53,952 - The force? - No. The Schwartz. 598 00:45:54,669 --> 00:45:56,660 The Schwartz! 599 00:45:57,046 --> 00:46:00,538 Yes, the Schwartz. 600 00:46:04,095 --> 00:46:07,883 But, yogurt, what is this place? What is it that you do here? 601 00:46:08,474 --> 00:46:09,964 Merchandising. 602 00:46:10,226 --> 00:46:13,059 - Merchandising? What's that? - Merchandising. 603 00:46:13,145 --> 00:46:15,852 Come, I'll show you. Open up the store. 604 00:46:21,112 --> 00:46:23,854 Come! Walk this way. Take a look. 605 00:46:23,948 --> 00:46:27,190 We put the picture's name on everything! 606 00:46:27,576 --> 00:46:30,283 Merchandising, 607 00:46:30,371 --> 00:46:32,862 where the real money from the movie is made. 608 00:46:33,207 --> 00:46:34,947 Spaceballs, the t-shirt. 609 00:46:35,126 --> 00:46:36,991 Spaceballs, the coloring book. 610 00:46:37,044 --> 00:46:38,875 Spaceballs, the lunch box. 611 00:46:39,088 --> 00:46:41,204 Spaceballs, the breakfast cereal. 612 00:46:41,465 --> 00:46:43,831 Spaceballs, the flamethrower. 613 00:46:44,176 --> 00:46:46,132 The kids love this one. 614 00:46:46,929 --> 00:46:48,715 Last, but not least, 615 00:46:48,973 --> 00:46:51,259 spaceballs, the doll. Me. 616 00:46:52,685 --> 00:46:54,892 May the Schwartz be with you. 617 00:46:57,189 --> 00:46:58,429 Adorable. 618 00:47:14,040 --> 00:47:16,452 - President skroob. - What is it? 619 00:47:16,834 --> 00:47:20,326 I have an urgent message from lord helmet. He's lost the Princess. 620 00:47:20,421 --> 00:47:22,787 - Where? - Somewhere in the sands of vega. 621 00:47:22,923 --> 00:47:26,586 Tell them to comb the desert. Do you hear me? Comb the desert! 622 00:47:26,927 --> 00:47:28,042 Yes, sir. 623 00:47:33,934 --> 00:47:35,640 - Sir? - What? 624 00:47:37,563 --> 00:47:39,269 Are we being too literal? 625 00:47:39,357 --> 00:47:41,063 No, you fool. We're following orders. 626 00:47:41,108 --> 00:47:44,475 We were told to comb the desert, so we're combing it. 627 00:47:44,779 --> 00:47:46,519 Found anything yet? 628 00:47:47,156 --> 00:47:48,942 Nothing yet, sir. 629 00:47:50,868 --> 00:47:52,358 How about you? 630 00:47:53,412 --> 00:47:55,027 Not a thing, sir. 631 00:47:57,958 --> 00:47:59,789 What about you guys? 632 00:48:00,252 --> 00:48:01,958 We ain't found shit! 633 00:48:05,424 --> 00:48:09,008 It's a big mystery. None of the wise men could tell me what it means. 634 00:48:09,095 --> 00:48:13,259 Wise men, pshaw. Wise guys, you mean. What do they know? 635 00:48:13,307 --> 00:48:15,343 Here, let me take a look. 636 00:48:24,568 --> 00:48:25,728 You can read it! 637 00:48:25,820 --> 00:48:27,936 No, I was just clearing my throat. 638 00:48:28,030 --> 00:48:30,362 Here, let me take a... 639 00:48:32,576 --> 00:48:36,819 - Oh, yes. Yes, of course! - You understand it? 640 00:48:36,872 --> 00:48:38,783 - Yes. - What's it say? 641 00:48:38,833 --> 00:48:43,418 I cannot tell you that now. It shall be revealed to you at the proper time. 642 00:48:43,671 --> 00:48:44,911 Great. 643 00:48:45,506 --> 00:48:48,543 Come on, don't be disappointed. Back to your Schwartz training. 644 00:48:48,634 --> 00:48:52,172 Here, take the ring. Point it at that big statue. 645 00:48:52,430 --> 00:48:54,341 Okay. But I still don't understand 646 00:48:54,432 --> 00:48:57,595 how I'm going to lift that big statue with this little ring. 647 00:48:57,685 --> 00:49:01,894 Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz! 648 00:49:01,981 --> 00:49:04,814 Come on, concentrate! Here we go! 649 00:49:06,277 --> 00:49:07,687 Concentrate. 650 00:49:20,875 --> 00:49:23,366 Lone starr, you're doing it! 651 00:49:26,005 --> 00:49:28,997 I can't believe it! The Schwartz, it's working! 652 00:49:30,301 --> 00:49:33,213 Hey, boss, how'd you do that? 653 00:49:37,391 --> 00:49:40,224 Give me the ring, quick. 654 00:49:43,814 --> 00:49:45,270 Upsy-Daisy! 655 00:49:50,988 --> 00:49:52,398 Sorry, barf. 656 00:49:58,078 --> 00:49:59,659 Keep searching. 657 00:50:01,665 --> 00:50:03,826 It's no use, sir. We've searched everywhere. 658 00:50:03,918 --> 00:50:04,918 Wait. 659 00:50:04,960 --> 00:50:08,123 I feel the presence of the Schwartz. 660 00:50:08,589 --> 00:50:10,295 - The Schwartz? - Yes. 661 00:50:10,716 --> 00:50:12,923 It's coming from somewhere 662 00:50:13,302 --> 00:50:15,668 down there. 663 00:50:18,224 --> 00:50:21,557 You're right, sir. There's a secret entrance here. 664 00:50:21,602 --> 00:50:24,469 And look at this insignia. It's a "y." 665 00:50:26,941 --> 00:50:29,603 Yogurt! I hate yogurt! 666 00:50:29,818 --> 00:50:31,308 Even with strawberries! 667 00:50:31,403 --> 00:50:33,268 I'll call for the attack squad, sir. 668 00:50:33,322 --> 00:50:36,109 No, we can't go in there. Yogurt has the Schwartz. 669 00:50:36,200 --> 00:50:37,485 It's far too powerful. 670 00:50:37,576 --> 00:50:40,283 But, sir, your ring. Don't you have the Schwartz, too? 671 00:50:40,329 --> 00:50:44,072 He got the upside. I got the downside. There's two sides to every Schwartz. 672 00:50:44,124 --> 00:50:47,036 Then how are we gonna go in there and get her? 673 00:50:48,295 --> 00:50:50,286 We will not go in there. 674 00:50:50,756 --> 00:50:53,543 She will come out to us. 675 00:51:07,022 --> 00:51:10,640 Vespa, my child. Where are you? 676 00:51:11,360 --> 00:51:12,600 Daddy? 677 00:51:12,861 --> 00:51:16,820 Vespa, it's your father, king Roland. 678 00:51:17,157 --> 00:51:19,523 - Come to me. - Daddy? 679 00:51:20,286 --> 00:51:22,993 I hear you. Where are you? 680 00:51:23,455 --> 00:51:25,366 Follow my voice. 681 00:51:26,333 --> 00:51:28,369 Come to me. 682 00:51:33,757 --> 00:51:35,622 Vespa, where are you going? 683 00:51:35,676 --> 00:51:38,759 Vespa, come to me. 684 00:51:42,683 --> 00:51:45,641 Daddy. Is it really you? 685 00:51:45,686 --> 00:51:47,176 Yes, my dear. 686 00:51:47,938 --> 00:51:51,647 I guarantee it. Would I lie? 687 00:51:54,361 --> 00:51:55,521 Daddy. 688 00:51:56,530 --> 00:51:58,145 No, Vespa, don't! 689 00:52:01,869 --> 00:52:03,575 Fooled you. 690 00:52:06,749 --> 00:52:09,707 Take them both aboard and put the Princess in my quarters. 691 00:52:09,752 --> 00:52:11,208 Yes, sir. 692 00:52:11,378 --> 00:52:12,993 Now she is mine. 693 00:52:13,464 --> 00:52:17,127 - What's the matter? What are they saying? - They've taken the Princess. 694 00:52:26,518 --> 00:52:28,679 Spaceballs. Too late. 695 00:52:28,729 --> 00:52:31,391 Don't worry, boss. We'll get her back. 696 00:52:35,027 --> 00:52:38,519 - Thanks for the gas, yogurt. - You're welcome. And here! 697 00:52:39,239 --> 00:52:41,400 Just in case you get hungry. 698 00:52:42,076 --> 00:52:43,987 - A fortune cookie? - Yes! 699 00:52:44,078 --> 00:52:47,286 Remember, open it before you eat it. 700 00:52:48,040 --> 00:52:50,156 Thanks. We better get going. 701 00:52:50,334 --> 00:52:52,916 I wonder, will we ever see each other again? 702 00:52:53,087 --> 00:52:56,420 Who knows? God willing, we'll all meet again 703 00:52:56,507 --> 00:52:59,465 in spaceballs 2: The search for more money. 704 00:53:00,302 --> 00:53:03,260 - Goodbye, lone starr. - Goodbye, yogurt. 705 00:53:04,390 --> 00:53:06,426 The ring of the Schwartz! 706 00:53:06,975 --> 00:53:09,057 No, I can't take this. 707 00:53:09,103 --> 00:53:12,687 Take it. You might need it. 708 00:53:13,190 --> 00:53:15,772 Thanks. I'll never forget you. 709 00:53:17,277 --> 00:53:18,983 Wish me luck. 710 00:53:41,635 --> 00:53:43,375 So, Princess Vespa, 711 00:53:43,470 --> 00:53:46,678 at last I have you in my clutches 712 00:53:47,224 --> 00:53:50,887 to have my way with you the way I want to. 713 00:53:51,186 --> 00:53:53,893 No, please! Leave me alone. 714 00:53:53,981 --> 00:53:55,312 No, you are mine. 715 00:53:55,399 --> 00:53:56,764 Not so fast, helmet. 716 00:53:56,817 --> 00:53:58,148 Lone starr. 717 00:53:58,193 --> 00:54:00,809 Yes, it's me. I'm here to save my girlfriend. 718 00:54:00,904 --> 00:54:02,019 Hi, honey. 719 00:54:02,114 --> 00:54:04,321 Now you are going to die. 720 00:54:06,827 --> 00:54:08,658 Hey, what'd you do to my friend? 721 00:54:08,746 --> 00:54:11,829 The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy. 722 00:54:11,874 --> 00:54:13,364 And you, too. 723 00:54:14,168 --> 00:54:17,786 Now, Princess Vespa, at last we are alone. 724 00:54:18,672 --> 00:54:21,254 No, I hate you. Leave me alone! 725 00:54:21,341 --> 00:54:23,878 Yet I find you strangely attractive. 726 00:54:23,969 --> 00:54:25,505 Of course you do. 727 00:54:25,554 --> 00:54:29,638 Druish princesses are often attracted to money and power. 728 00:54:29,683 --> 00:54:32,595 And I have both. And you know it. 729 00:54:33,270 --> 00:54:35,181 - Leave me alone! - No, kiss Mel 730 00:54:35,355 --> 00:54:36,811 no! Yes! No! 731 00:54:36,857 --> 00:54:37,857 - No! - Yes! 732 00:54:43,238 --> 00:54:45,445 Your helmet is so big. 733 00:54:46,033 --> 00:54:47,364 - Lord helmet. - What? 734 00:54:47,451 --> 00:54:49,316 You're needed on the bridge, sir! 735 00:54:49,369 --> 00:54:51,701 Knock on my door. Knock next time! 736 00:54:51,789 --> 00:54:52,869 Yes, sir. 737 00:54:52,915 --> 00:54:54,530 - Did you see anything? - No, sir. 738 00:54:54,583 --> 00:54:57,165 - I didn't see you playing with your dolls. - Good. 739 00:55:16,063 --> 00:55:17,724 President skroob. 740 00:55:17,898 --> 00:55:21,766 I told you never to call me on this wall. This is an unlisted wall. 741 00:55:21,860 --> 00:55:23,691 Sorry, sir, but it's very important. 742 00:55:23,737 --> 00:55:26,103 The Princess has just been brought to your office 743 00:55:26,198 --> 00:55:28,735 and lord helmet and colonel sandurz are awaiting you there. 744 00:55:28,826 --> 00:55:32,193 - All right. Tell them I'll be right there. - Yes, sir! 745 00:55:44,258 --> 00:55:48,592 Helmet, you fiend! What's going on? What are you doing to my daughter? 746 00:55:48,637 --> 00:55:50,423 Permit me to introduce 747 00:55:50,472 --> 00:55:54,215 the brilliant young plastic surgeon, Dr. Phillip schlotkin. 748 00:55:54,601 --> 00:55:59,095 The greatest nose job man in the entire universe and Beverly Hills. 749 00:55:59,439 --> 00:56:00,679 Your highness. 750 00:56:00,774 --> 00:56:02,264 Nose job? I don't understand. 751 00:56:02,317 --> 00:56:05,434 She's already had a nose job. It was her sweet-sixteen present. 752 00:56:05,487 --> 00:56:08,775 No, it's not what you think. It's much, much worse. 753 00:56:09,032 --> 00:56:12,524 If you do not give me the combination to the air shield, 754 00:56:12,661 --> 00:56:17,121 Dr. schlotkin will give your daughter back her old nose. 755 00:56:18,125 --> 00:56:20,958 Nol 756 00:56:22,462 --> 00:56:24,373 where did you get that? 757 00:56:24,464 --> 00:56:26,625 All right, I'll tell! 758 00:56:26,925 --> 00:56:29,007 No, daddy, no, you mustn't! 759 00:56:29,094 --> 00:56:32,131 You're right, my dear. I'll miss your new nose. 760 00:56:32,222 --> 00:56:35,430 But I will not tell him the combination, no matter what. 761 00:56:35,475 --> 00:56:39,218 Very well. Dr. schlotkin, do your worst. 762 00:56:39,479 --> 00:56:41,265 My pleasure. 763 00:56:44,318 --> 00:56:46,400 No! Wait! 764 00:56:47,321 --> 00:56:49,653 I'll tell. 765 00:56:50,449 --> 00:56:54,408 I knew it would work. All right, give it to me. 766 00:56:55,913 --> 00:56:57,653 The combination is: 767 00:56:59,958 --> 00:57:00,958 One. 768 00:57:02,085 --> 00:57:03,165 Two. 769 00:57:04,338 --> 00:57:05,544 Three. 770 00:57:06,298 --> 00:57:07,378 Four. 771 00:57:09,885 --> 00:57:11,000 Five. 772 00:57:12,596 --> 00:57:16,805 So the combination is 1-2-3-4-5. 773 00:57:17,601 --> 00:57:20,388 That's the stupidest combination I ever heard in my life! 774 00:57:20,479 --> 00:57:23,312 That's the kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage! 775 00:57:23,357 --> 00:57:24,688 Thank you, your highness. 776 00:57:25,859 --> 00:57:27,895 - What did you do? - I turned off the wall. 777 00:57:27,986 --> 00:57:29,567 No, you turned off the whole movie. 778 00:57:29,655 --> 00:57:32,567 - I must have pressed the wrong button. - Put the movie back on! 779 00:57:32,658 --> 00:57:35,149 - Yes, sir. - You gotta get that thing fixed. 780 00:57:35,202 --> 00:57:37,818 We're back! And we have the combination! 781 00:57:37,871 --> 00:57:39,532 - Schlotkin! - What? 782 00:57:39,665 --> 00:57:40,905 We're done with you. 783 00:57:40,999 --> 00:57:43,661 Go back to the golf course and work on your putts. 784 00:57:43,710 --> 00:57:45,541 Let's go, Arnold. Come, Gretchen. 785 00:57:45,629 --> 00:57:49,292 Of course, you know I'll still have to bill you for this. 786 00:57:52,552 --> 00:57:54,759 I bet she gives great helmet. 787 00:57:57,808 --> 00:57:59,389 Did it work? Where's the king? 788 00:57:59,434 --> 00:58:01,345 It worked, sir. We have the combination. 789 00:58:01,395 --> 00:58:05,889 Great. Now we can take every last breath of fresh air from planet druidia. 790 00:58:05,983 --> 00:58:09,100 - What's the combination? - 1-2-3-4-5. 791 00:58:09,444 --> 00:58:11,605 1-2-3-4-57 - yes. 792 00:58:11,697 --> 00:58:15,406 That's amazing. I've got the same combination on my luggage. 793 00:58:15,492 --> 00:58:18,154 Prepare spaceball one for immediate departure. 794 00:58:18,245 --> 00:58:19,280 Yes, sir. 795 00:58:19,371 --> 00:58:22,113 And change the combination on my luggage. 796 00:58:28,797 --> 00:58:31,664 There it is. Spaceball city, straight ahead. 797 00:58:31,758 --> 00:58:33,544 Good, I'm taking her in. 798 00:58:36,972 --> 00:58:39,179 What the hell is that thing? 799 00:58:39,266 --> 00:58:41,427 It looks like a winnebago with wings. 800 00:58:43,603 --> 00:58:45,218 Hey, you can't park here! 801 00:58:45,272 --> 00:58:48,059 Yeah, can't you guys read? "No parking." 802 00:58:52,946 --> 00:58:54,937 That son of a... 803 00:58:57,951 --> 00:59:02,445 All right, hands up. You're under arrest for illegal parking. 804 00:59:02,497 --> 00:59:03,497 Yeah! 805 00:59:26,563 --> 00:59:30,647 Warden Miller, you're wanted in v-17. 806 00:59:31,234 --> 00:59:35,694 Attention. Section c scanners, report. 807 00:59:42,287 --> 00:59:45,154 - She's gotta be in one of these cells. - Yeah, but which one? 808 00:59:49,169 --> 00:59:52,332 Nobody knows 809 00:59:52,380 --> 00:59:54,996 - it's coming from here. - That can't be her. 810 00:59:55,050 --> 00:59:57,336 The trouble I've seen 811 00:59:58,178 --> 01:00:03,389 nobody knows but Jesus 812 01:00:05,185 --> 01:00:06,425 it's her. 813 01:00:07,479 --> 01:00:11,063 Nobody knows 814 01:00:11,650 --> 01:00:14,107 the trouble I've seen 815 01:00:14,486 --> 01:00:15,646 she's a bass. 816 01:00:15,695 --> 01:00:19,904 Glory hallelujah 817 01:00:25,497 --> 01:00:27,158 What do you want? 818 01:00:27,207 --> 01:00:28,447 It's me. 819 01:00:29,084 --> 01:00:30,324 It's us. 820 01:00:30,377 --> 01:00:32,959 Lone starr. How did you find us? 821 01:00:33,046 --> 01:00:35,037 No time to talk. Come on. 822 01:00:35,090 --> 01:00:37,832 - We gotta move. - Barf! How'd you do it? 823 01:00:59,281 --> 01:01:01,613 Those are the guys that stole our uniforms! 824 01:01:01,700 --> 01:01:04,112 And beat the shit out of us, too! 825 01:01:08,915 --> 01:01:10,451 We got company. 826 01:01:15,297 --> 01:01:16,537 Watch out! 827 01:01:19,718 --> 01:01:21,754 Damn it! That's our only way out. 828 01:01:21,803 --> 01:01:23,964 - We're trapped. - I hate these movies. 829 01:01:27,934 --> 01:01:30,846 - I'm out of ammo! - Get back! I'll hold them off. 830 01:01:32,147 --> 01:01:33,683 I got an ideal 831 01:01:35,275 --> 01:01:36,890 what's he doing? 832 01:01:49,664 --> 01:01:50,824 Good work. 833 01:01:50,916 --> 01:01:53,908 - More ping-pongs. Run for it. - Let's go! 834 01:01:57,756 --> 01:01:59,838 It's closing! 835 01:02:01,301 --> 01:02:03,007 The door's closing! 836 01:02:03,094 --> 01:02:04,550 Go for broke! 837 01:02:12,979 --> 01:02:15,686 Don't move or you're dead. Stand up! 838 01:02:15,774 --> 01:02:17,765 Captain, we've got them. 839 01:02:21,571 --> 01:02:25,610 Spectacular stunt, my friends, but all for naught. 840 01:02:26,618 --> 01:02:28,358 Turn around, please. 841 01:02:29,829 --> 01:02:32,946 What a pity. 842 01:02:33,667 --> 01:02:37,956 So, Princess, you thought you could outwit the imperious force of... 843 01:02:41,424 --> 01:02:42,834 You idiots! 844 01:02:43,385 --> 01:02:46,969 These are not them. You've captured their stunt doubles. 845 01:02:47,889 --> 01:02:50,676 Search the area. Find them! 846 01:02:53,353 --> 01:02:56,060 Hurry up. Get aboard. I'll hold them off. 847 01:02:59,359 --> 01:03:02,192 - Open the door! - I can't, it's fused. 848 01:03:02,237 --> 01:03:04,193 - What about this one? - It's locked. 849 01:03:04,239 --> 01:03:06,025 - Where are the keys? - Inside. 850 01:03:06,074 --> 01:03:07,689 - Oh, great! - Duck! 851 01:03:10,912 --> 01:03:13,244 Here, you hold them off. I'll get the door. 852 01:03:13,331 --> 01:03:15,788 I ain't shooting this thing. I hate guns. 853 01:03:18,378 --> 01:03:21,165 My hair. He shot my hair! 854 01:03:22,173 --> 01:03:24,255 You son of a bitch! 855 01:03:35,061 --> 01:03:36,926 Holy shit! 856 01:03:41,735 --> 01:03:43,191 How was that? 857 01:03:43,236 --> 01:03:44,726 Not bad. 858 01:03:44,821 --> 01:03:46,277 Not bad for a girl. 859 01:03:46,364 --> 01:03:48,696 That was pretty good for Rambo! 860 01:03:48,825 --> 01:03:50,690 Let's blow this joint. 861 01:04:02,339 --> 01:04:05,752 President skroob! Salute! 862 01:04:05,842 --> 01:04:07,378 Hail, skroob. 863 01:04:08,887 --> 01:04:11,799 The ship is too big. If I walk, the movie will be over. 864 01:04:11,890 --> 01:04:13,346 - Sir. - Yes? 865 01:04:14,267 --> 01:04:17,100 Never have that damn thing down in front of me. 866 01:04:17,145 --> 01:04:20,103 How do I know you're not making faces at me under that thing? 867 01:04:20,148 --> 01:04:21,604 - President skroob. - Yes? 868 01:04:21,691 --> 01:04:23,852 There it is, planet druidia. 869 01:04:24,652 --> 01:04:28,611 Planet druidia. And 10,000 years of fresh air. 870 01:04:28,990 --> 01:04:31,151 The way he runs things, it won't last 100. 871 01:04:31,242 --> 01:04:32,242 What? 872 01:04:32,285 --> 01:04:34,492 Preparing ship for metamorphosis, sir. 873 01:04:34,579 --> 01:04:37,116 - Good. Get on with it. - Ready, kafka? 874 01:04:44,005 --> 01:04:45,461 Look, it's spaceball one. 875 01:04:47,634 --> 01:04:50,967 - They've reached the air shield. - And it's opening. 876 01:04:54,641 --> 01:04:56,677 The ship's too big. They'll never get through. 877 01:04:56,768 --> 01:04:59,851 How will they get the air out? I don't see any hoses or anything. 878 01:05:05,151 --> 01:05:06,812 What's happening? 879 01:05:09,781 --> 01:05:12,238 The ship. Changing. 880 01:05:26,297 --> 01:05:29,915 Oh, my gosh. It's not just a spaceship. 881 01:05:30,760 --> 01:05:32,500 It's a transformer. 882 01:05:43,565 --> 01:05:45,021 It's changing into... 883 01:05:45,108 --> 01:05:48,100 - A gigantic... - Maid! 884 01:05:48,695 --> 01:05:50,560 With a vacuum cleaner. 885 01:05:52,115 --> 01:05:55,027 So that's how they're gonna get the air out. 886 01:06:16,389 --> 01:06:20,723 Metamorphosis completed, sir. Spaceball one has now become 887 01:06:25,231 --> 01:06:26,562 megamaid. 888 01:06:26,983 --> 01:06:29,315 - Good! - Remarkable. 889 01:06:29,444 --> 01:06:33,687 Now, commence operation vacu-suck. 890 01:06:40,246 --> 01:06:42,328 Suck. 891 01:06:57,096 --> 01:06:59,678 Goodbye, little Vespa. 892 01:07:01,518 --> 01:07:06,103 My little baby Vespa. 893 01:07:13,363 --> 01:07:16,355 - The air bag, it's almost full. - What do we do? 894 01:07:20,328 --> 01:07:21,613 We've gotta act fast. 895 01:07:21,663 --> 01:07:25,531 Step one: We reverse the vacuum and blow the air back onto the planet. 896 01:07:25,625 --> 01:07:28,913 Step two: We destroy that thing. 897 01:07:29,170 --> 01:07:31,912 - But isn't that dangerous? - Extremely. 898 01:07:32,298 --> 01:07:36,166 Plus, I don't know how the hell we're gonna do it. 899 01:07:36,803 --> 01:07:39,465 What about that ring yogurt gave you? 900 01:07:41,099 --> 01:07:43,306 Come on, boss. Give it a shot! 901 01:07:43,351 --> 01:07:45,342 Okay. Here goes nothing. 902 01:07:55,321 --> 01:07:56,686 Look at that. 903 01:07:56,781 --> 01:07:57,941 Wow! 904 01:07:59,033 --> 01:08:00,523 It's working. 905 01:08:01,703 --> 01:08:03,659 Come on, Schwartz! 906 01:08:12,672 --> 01:08:15,960 - Helmet, what's going on? - Sandurz, what's going on? 907 01:08:16,009 --> 01:08:19,797 It's megamaid. She's gone from suck to blow. 908 01:08:20,263 --> 01:08:23,221 What? They're getting all their air back. Do something. 909 01:08:23,308 --> 01:08:26,015 - Do something! - Do something! 910 01:08:42,243 --> 01:08:43,779 I'm breathing. 911 01:08:45,038 --> 01:08:46,118 Air. 912 01:08:58,176 --> 01:09:00,383 - Dim the lights. - Dimming the lights. 913 01:09:01,220 --> 01:09:03,711 - Go to infrared. - Going to infrared. 914 01:09:03,806 --> 01:09:05,967 - Pray to god. - Praying to god. 915 01:09:15,234 --> 01:09:17,350 Careful. 916 01:09:24,952 --> 01:09:27,614 - What are you doing? - Scanning. 917 01:09:35,338 --> 01:09:37,078 There's gotta be a self-destruct mechanism 918 01:09:37,131 --> 01:09:39,122 somewhere in the central brain area. 919 01:09:43,763 --> 01:09:45,469 I think we just found it. 920 01:09:45,556 --> 01:09:47,387 - Where? - Watch. 921 01:09:52,605 --> 01:09:54,687 Bingo! There it is. 922 01:09:56,109 --> 01:09:57,895 It's right below us. 923 01:09:58,611 --> 01:10:01,694 - Put her in hover, barf. - Putting her in hover. 924 01:10:02,532 --> 01:10:05,569 - I'm going down there. - He's going down there. 925 01:10:06,160 --> 01:10:07,570 I wouldn't. 926 01:10:49,328 --> 01:10:51,489 What the hell are you doing? 927 01:10:52,582 --> 01:10:54,447 The vulcan neck pinch? 928 01:10:55,042 --> 01:10:58,000 No, stupid. You got it much too high. 929 01:10:58,087 --> 01:11:00,794 It's down here where the shoulder meets the neck. 930 01:11:00,840 --> 01:11:03,252 - Like this? - Yeah. 931 01:11:06,095 --> 01:11:07,335 Thanks. 932 01:11:12,852 --> 01:11:15,309 Hand print identification, please. 933 01:11:26,199 --> 01:11:27,689 Thanks again. 934 01:11:35,541 --> 01:11:37,077 Is that you, mylar? 935 01:11:48,304 --> 01:11:50,465 Who are you? What are you doing with that? 936 01:11:50,556 --> 01:11:51,716 This! 937 01:11:56,979 --> 01:11:58,844 Sweet dreams. 938 01:12:15,998 --> 01:12:19,456 - Not so fast, lone starr. - Helmet. 939 01:12:20,545 --> 01:12:24,834 So. At last we meet for the first time for the last time. 940 01:12:27,635 --> 01:12:32,095 Before you die, there is something you should know about us, lone starr. 941 01:12:33,099 --> 01:12:34,214 What? 942 01:12:34,642 --> 01:12:39,602 I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate. 943 01:12:42,984 --> 01:12:44,690 What's that make us? 944 01:12:44,777 --> 01:12:46,608 Absolutely nothing! 945 01:12:46,988 --> 01:12:49,650 Which is what you are about to become. 946 01:12:50,950 --> 01:12:52,815 Prepare to die. 947 01:13:00,209 --> 01:13:05,078 You have the ring, and I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. 948 01:13:07,341 --> 01:13:10,299 Now let's see how well you handle it. 949 01:13:34,785 --> 01:13:36,776 - He did it. - What? 950 01:13:53,846 --> 01:13:57,213 Shit! I hate it when I get my Schwartz twisted. 951 01:13:57,934 --> 01:14:02,644 Maybe if I put my leg up on yours, we could scoot apart, like... 952 01:14:03,230 --> 01:14:06,097 Good. Yeah, on three. One, two, three, go! 953 01:14:48,526 --> 01:14:52,485 So, lone starr, yogurt has taught you well. 954 01:14:53,614 --> 01:14:56,902 If there's one thing I despise, it is a fair fight. 955 01:14:57,284 --> 01:14:59,400 But if I must, then I must. 956 01:14:59,620 --> 01:15:01,451 May the best man win. 957 01:15:02,415 --> 01:15:03,905 Put her there. 958 01:15:07,712 --> 01:15:11,830 The ring! I can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book. 959 01:15:12,258 --> 01:15:16,467 What a goof! What's with you, man? Come on. 960 01:15:16,846 --> 01:15:19,212 You know what? Here, let me give it back to you. 961 01:15:19,265 --> 01:15:21,722 Look at that! You fell for that, too. 962 01:15:21,767 --> 01:15:23,758 I can't believe it, man. 963 01:15:25,730 --> 01:15:30,440 So, lone starr, now you see that evil will always triumph 964 01:15:30,943 --> 01:15:32,934 because good is dumb. 965 01:15:42,580 --> 01:15:44,741 Very impressive, lone starr. 966 01:15:45,207 --> 01:15:48,165 Too bad this isn't the wide world of sports. 967 01:15:49,045 --> 01:15:52,378 Use the Schwartz, lone starr. Use the Schwartz. 968 01:15:52,465 --> 01:15:54,706 I can't. I lost the ring. 969 01:15:54,800 --> 01:15:57,633 Forget the ring. The ring is bupkis. 970 01:15:57,720 --> 01:16:00,052 I found it in a cracker Jack box. 971 01:16:00,473 --> 01:16:04,261 The Schwartz is in you, lone starr. It's in you. 972 01:16:04,310 --> 01:16:06,471 All right. I'll try. 973 01:16:06,812 --> 01:16:09,394 Say goodbye to your two best friends. 974 01:16:09,774 --> 01:16:12,686 And I don't mean your pals in the winnebago. 975 01:16:21,368 --> 01:16:24,201 Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button. 976 01:16:24,288 --> 01:16:27,371 This ship will self-destruct in three minutes. 977 01:16:32,046 --> 01:16:35,630 What's going on? Where the hell are we? Paris? 978 01:16:35,674 --> 01:16:38,006 Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button. 979 01:16:38,094 --> 01:16:42,554 This ship will self-destruct in exactly two minutes and 45 seconds. 980 01:16:42,640 --> 01:16:45,177 You've got to stop it. Is there any way to stop it? 981 01:16:45,226 --> 01:16:47,342 I can't. It's irreversible. 982 01:16:47,394 --> 01:16:48,975 Like my raincoat. 983 01:16:49,021 --> 01:16:52,104 Attention, this is colonel sandurz in forward command. 984 01:16:52,191 --> 01:16:53,647 Abandon ship! 985 01:16:53,776 --> 01:16:56,358 All personnel proceed to escape pods. 986 01:16:56,445 --> 01:16:59,152 Close down the circus. Evacuate the zoo. 987 01:16:59,198 --> 01:17:03,032 The self-destruct mechanism has been activated. Abandon ship. 988 01:17:04,078 --> 01:17:07,696 Sandurz, you gotta help me. I don't know what to do. 989 01:17:07,748 --> 01:17:10,455 I can't make decisions. I'm a president! 990 01:17:10,668 --> 01:17:12,408 This is your two-minute warning. 991 01:17:12,503 --> 01:17:15,711 This ship will self-destruct in exactly two minutes. 992 01:17:15,798 --> 01:17:18,881 Launch all escape pods as soon as they are filled. 993 01:17:18,926 --> 01:17:20,837 What's happening? Where is he? 994 01:17:27,518 --> 01:17:28,883 - Where is he? - Here. 995 01:17:28,936 --> 01:17:31,894 We've got a minute and 40 before the end of the world. Hang on. 996 01:17:36,777 --> 01:17:38,062 - Full throttle. - Full throttle. 997 01:17:38,154 --> 01:17:40,270 - Go to hyper-jets! - Going to hyper-jets. 998 01:17:45,619 --> 01:17:47,905 Get out of there. Where do you think you're going? 999 01:17:47,997 --> 01:17:49,157 Pizza to go! 1000 01:18:11,270 --> 01:18:13,477 That's my escape pod. Who are you? 1001 01:18:13,564 --> 01:18:16,977 I'm the bearded lady. What are you, one of the freaks? 1002 01:18:19,278 --> 01:18:22,566 Come back! That's my pod! No! 1003 01:18:26,076 --> 01:18:28,818 Come back, you fat, bearded bitch! 1004 01:18:29,997 --> 01:18:34,115 One pod left. And three of us. And I'm the president. 1005 01:18:34,376 --> 01:18:38,790 Well, boys, it's a very lovely ship. I think you should go down with it. 1006 01:18:39,173 --> 01:18:40,458 Goodbye! 1007 01:18:43,761 --> 01:18:46,844 What the hell's the matter with this seat belt? 1008 01:18:55,356 --> 01:18:58,018 This ship will self-destruct in 20 seconds. 1009 01:18:58,108 --> 01:19:01,316 This is your last chance to push the cancellation button. 1010 01:19:01,403 --> 01:19:03,860 Cancellation button? Hurry! 1011 01:19:11,413 --> 01:19:13,825 - Where is it? - It's gotta be here. 1012 01:19:14,333 --> 01:19:17,825 - Out of order? - Fuck! Even in the future nothing works. 1013 01:19:17,920 --> 01:19:21,208 This ship will self-destruct in exactly 10 seconds. 1014 01:19:22,508 --> 01:19:23,998 Counting down. 1015 01:19:24,051 --> 01:19:25,666 Ten. Nine. 1016 01:19:26,345 --> 01:19:27,345 Eight. 1017 01:19:27,388 --> 01:19:30,505 - Six. - Six? What happened to seven? 1018 01:19:30,557 --> 01:19:32,013 Just kidding. 1019 01:19:32,518 --> 01:19:34,600 - There's the other end. Faster! - Seven. 1020 01:19:34,687 --> 01:19:37,770 Six. Five. Four. 1021 01:19:37,856 --> 01:19:40,643 Three. Two. One. 1022 01:19:41,235 --> 01:19:43,942 - Have a nice day. - Thank you. 1023 01:19:54,873 --> 01:19:56,238 We did it! 1024 01:20:03,424 --> 01:20:05,005 We all did it. 1025 01:20:24,111 --> 01:20:28,525 So, I guess you might call that a case of man bites droid? 1026 01:20:31,493 --> 01:20:34,155 On a sadder note, pizza the hutt, 1027 01:20:34,246 --> 01:20:38,580 famed half man, half pizza, was found dead earlier today 1028 01:20:38,625 --> 01:20:41,742 in the back seat of his stretched limo. 1029 01:20:41,795 --> 01:20:43,831 Evidently, the notorious gangster 1030 01:20:43,922 --> 01:20:47,790 became locked in his car and ate himself to death. 1031 01:20:48,510 --> 01:20:52,719 Coming up, pongo's review of rocky 5,000. 1032 01:20:54,016 --> 01:20:56,223 - Pongo. - Whoever said when you've seen... 1033 01:20:56,268 --> 01:20:58,805 Did you hear that? Pizza kicked the bucket. 1034 01:20:58,896 --> 01:21:03,139 Now we don't have to pay him the million. We can keep it for ourselves. 1035 01:21:22,628 --> 01:21:23,868 Daddy! 1036 01:21:24,630 --> 01:21:27,963 Vespa, my darling. I thought I'd never see you again. 1037 01:21:28,008 --> 01:21:32,547 My sweet little daughter. I'm so happy that you're home and safe. 1038 01:21:32,638 --> 01:21:36,472 And, little Vespa, here's someone else who's happy to see you. 1039 01:21:39,770 --> 01:21:42,807 Hello. Where have you been? 1040 01:21:58,330 --> 01:21:59,740 Thanks, hon. 1041 01:22:12,678 --> 01:22:15,841 Hiya, big stuff. Hi, dream. 1042 01:22:15,931 --> 01:22:17,296 What will you have? 1043 01:22:17,349 --> 01:22:20,512 We just got a couple minutes while we're gassing up. What's ready? 1044 01:22:20,561 --> 01:22:22,927 I can give you the space soup, or the space special. 1045 01:22:23,021 --> 01:22:25,478 - I'll have the soup. - Okay. 1046 01:22:25,858 --> 01:22:28,565 I'll have the cleavage. Special. 1047 01:22:29,653 --> 01:22:32,645 Okay, one special and one soup. 1048 01:22:36,034 --> 01:22:38,025 - Ready to order? - Hi, yes. 1049 01:22:38,078 --> 01:22:40,615 - We'll both have the lunafish. - Anything to drink? 1050 01:22:40,706 --> 01:22:43,664 Hey, watch where you're sticking that thing. 1051 01:22:44,793 --> 01:22:48,752 Look, it's got a mind of its own, sweetheart. I can't do a thing with it. 1052 01:22:55,012 --> 01:22:58,425 So, we were lost. None of us knew where we were. 1053 01:22:58,515 --> 01:23:02,554 And then Harry began feeling around on all the trees. 1054 01:23:02,644 --> 01:23:06,387 Then he said, "I got it. We on pluto.” 1055 01:23:06,857 --> 01:23:08,939 And we say, "Harry, how can you tell?" 1056 01:23:09,026 --> 01:23:11,642 He said, "from the bark, you dummies.” 1057 01:23:17,493 --> 01:23:18,733 Is he all right? 1058 01:23:18,827 --> 01:23:21,159 Yeah, the guy digs me. 1059 01:23:21,246 --> 01:23:24,329 - Hey, what's wrong with this guy? - I don't know. 1060 01:23:27,085 --> 01:23:28,575 Bring him some water! 1061 01:23:28,629 --> 01:23:32,087 Water, my ass! Bring this guy some pepto-bismol! 1062 01:23:32,925 --> 01:23:36,088 Waitress! What did he order? 1063 01:23:36,136 --> 01:23:37,842 He had the special. 1064 01:23:37,930 --> 01:23:40,672 That's what I ordered. Change my order to the soup. 1065 01:23:40,766 --> 01:23:41,846 Good move. 1066 01:23:50,651 --> 01:23:53,768 Oh, no. Not again! 1067 01:24:05,958 --> 01:24:08,290 Hello, my baby hello, my honey 1068 01:24:08,377 --> 01:24:10,663 hello, my ragtime gal 1069 01:24:10,754 --> 01:24:15,339 send me a kiss by wire baby, my heart's on fire 1070 01:24:15,425 --> 01:24:17,586 if you refuse me honey, you'll lose me 1071 01:24:17,636 --> 01:24:19,172 then you'll be left alone 1072 01:24:19,263 --> 01:24:24,223 oh baby, telephone and tell me I'm your own 1073 01:24:27,020 --> 01:24:28,476 check, please. 1074 01:24:39,199 --> 01:24:41,656 Five minutes to magic time. 1075 01:24:41,702 --> 01:24:45,069 Are you all right, my dear? You look a little flighty. 1076 01:24:45,163 --> 01:24:48,576 Don't worry about me, father. I'm completely over him. 1077 01:24:49,835 --> 01:24:51,666 Didn't even stay for the wedding. 1078 01:24:51,712 --> 01:24:54,624 Just grabbed his million space bucks and ran. 1079 01:24:54,673 --> 01:24:56,789 He didn't take the million. 1080 01:24:56,842 --> 01:24:58,173 He didn't? 1081 01:24:58,218 --> 01:25:03,087 No. He just took 248 space bucks for lunch, gas and tolls. 1082 01:25:13,483 --> 01:25:15,815 I still can't believe you turned down the money. 1083 01:25:15,861 --> 01:25:19,319 At least we could have stayed for the wedding feast. I'm starving. 1084 01:25:19,364 --> 01:25:21,605 Have you got anything to eat? 1085 01:25:22,534 --> 01:25:25,776 Wait a minute. Yogurt gave me that fortune cookie. 1086 01:25:26,163 --> 01:25:29,326 - Here, chow down. - Wow, thanks. I'll split it with you. 1087 01:25:29,374 --> 01:25:30,739 - No. - Okay. 1088 01:25:35,130 --> 01:25:37,621 - Yogurt! - Hello, boys. 1089 01:25:37,883 --> 01:25:41,375 Well, you opened your fortune cookie, so here's your fortune. 1090 01:25:41,428 --> 01:25:45,341 Lone starr, you know that medallion that you wear around your neck 1091 01:25:45,390 --> 01:25:47,551 but you don't know what it means? 1092 01:25:47,601 --> 01:25:50,934 Here's what it means. It's a royal birth certificate. 1093 01:25:51,021 --> 01:25:55,481 Yes! Your father was a king. Your mother was a queen. 1094 01:25:55,567 --> 01:25:59,230 Which makes you a certified prince. 1095 01:25:59,279 --> 01:26:01,395 Hey, I'm a prince! 1096 01:26:01,907 --> 01:26:04,148 I'm a prince. Which means... 1097 01:26:04,242 --> 01:26:08,360 Which means, if you hurry, there could be a Princess in your future. 1098 01:26:08,413 --> 01:26:11,701 If you want to get back there before she marries sleeping beauty, 1099 01:26:11,750 --> 01:26:14,708 there's a special can of fuel in your glove compartment. 1100 01:26:14,753 --> 01:26:16,789 - Good luck, boys. - Bye, yogurt. 1101 01:26:16,880 --> 01:26:20,543 - And, yogurt, thanks. - You're welcome. 1102 01:26:21,259 --> 01:26:25,502 And may the Schwartz be with you! 1103 01:26:30,519 --> 01:26:32,350 Barf, open that glove compartment. 1104 01:26:32,437 --> 01:26:34,473 You got it, your highness. 1105 01:26:37,859 --> 01:26:40,601 Wow! Liquid Schwartz! 1106 01:26:40,654 --> 01:26:43,316 - Quick, pour it in the emergency tank. - Right. 1107 01:26:47,119 --> 01:26:48,575 Look at that. 1108 01:26:50,205 --> 01:26:51,285 Donel 1109 01:26:51,373 --> 01:26:54,331 hang on, barf, we're gonna make spacetracks. 1110 01:27:47,179 --> 01:27:50,671 Dear me, what are those things coming out of her nose? 1111 01:27:52,184 --> 01:27:54,015 Hey, watch my helmet. 1112 01:27:57,397 --> 01:27:59,353 Spaceballs? 1113 01:27:59,608 --> 01:28:02,315 Oh, shit. There goes the planet. 1114 01:28:05,405 --> 01:28:09,523 Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together 1115 01:28:10,952 --> 01:28:12,158 again. 1116 01:28:12,204 --> 01:28:14,536 Why didn't you tell me he didn't take the money? 1117 01:28:14,581 --> 01:28:16,162 I didn't think it was important. 1118 01:28:16,208 --> 01:28:17,869 May I continue, please? 1119 01:28:17,959 --> 01:28:20,575 Besides, he asked me not to tell you. 1120 01:28:21,213 --> 01:28:22,544 Thank you. 1121 01:28:23,089 --> 01:28:27,879 To join Princess Vespa and Princess valium... 1122 01:28:29,137 --> 01:28:31,128 I'm sorry, it's the hair. 1123 01:28:31,723 --> 01:28:36,057 Prince valium in the bonds of holy matrimony. 1124 01:28:36,144 --> 01:28:39,432 I see it all now. Don't you see? He loves me! 1125 01:28:39,523 --> 01:28:42,981 I'm trying to conduct a wedding here, which has nothing to do with love. 1126 01:28:43,068 --> 01:28:44,604 - Please be quiet. - I'm sorry. 1127 01:28:44,694 --> 01:28:46,730 - I'm sorry. - I'm sorry, too. 1128 01:28:46,822 --> 01:28:49,404 - Don't be sorry. Be quiet! - I'm sorry! 1129 01:28:52,744 --> 01:28:56,783 To join Princess Vespa and prince valium 1130 01:28:56,873 --> 01:28:59,114 in the bonds of holy 1131 01:28:59,292 --> 01:29:00,292 moly! 1132 01:29:06,216 --> 01:29:07,296 Matrimony. 1133 01:29:07,384 --> 01:29:10,000 That's him! I know it's him. He's come back. 1134 01:29:10,095 --> 01:29:13,587 That's it! I'm gonna take no more chances. We're doing the short version. 1135 01:29:13,640 --> 01:29:17,383 Prince valium, do you take Princess Vespa to be your lawfully wedded wife? 1136 01:29:17,435 --> 01:29:21,178 Princess Vespa, do you take prince valium to be your lawfully wedded husband? 1137 01:29:21,273 --> 01:29:23,605 Well, I suppose. 1138 01:29:23,817 --> 01:29:25,682 Well... oh, I don't know. 1139 01:29:25,777 --> 01:29:27,984 - No! She doesn't! - What? 1140 01:29:33,326 --> 01:29:35,157 Who the hell are you? 1141 01:29:35,328 --> 01:29:37,159 Prince lone starr. 1142 01:29:37,247 --> 01:29:38,487 Prince? 1143 01:29:38,582 --> 01:29:40,994 I just found out. That's what this says. 1144 01:29:41,084 --> 01:29:43,200 I'm an honest to god prince. 1145 01:29:43,795 --> 01:29:45,456 Will you marry me? 1146 01:29:45,797 --> 01:29:47,958 Well, let me think about it. 1147 01:29:49,092 --> 01:29:50,207 Yes. 1148 01:29:50,302 --> 01:29:54,762 I'm sick of this. I don't give a damn who it is, but I'm gonna marry somebody today! 1149 01:29:54,806 --> 01:29:56,637 - Who are you? - I'm the best man. 1150 01:29:56,683 --> 01:29:58,139 - What's your name? - Barf. 1151 01:29:58,184 --> 01:30:00,300 - Your full name. - Barfolomew. 1152 01:30:02,981 --> 01:30:04,767 Then get over there! 1153 01:30:04,816 --> 01:30:07,933 Okay, here we go. The short, short version. 1154 01:30:08,361 --> 01:30:10,443 - Do you? - Yes. 1155 01:30:10,488 --> 01:30:11,728 - Do you? - Yes! 1156 01:30:11,823 --> 01:30:14,109 Good. You're married. Kiss her. 1157 01:30:14,576 --> 01:30:16,908 - I love you. - I love you. 1158 01:30:28,381 --> 01:30:30,588 Well, goodbye, virgin alarm.