1 00:01:04,482 --> 00:01:06,482 04 Police Academy 4 Citizens On Patrol - Comedy 1987 720p [H264-mp4] English 2 00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:07,816 Take it, brother. 3 00:01:07,984 --> 00:01:09,401 [BEAT-BOXING] 4 00:01:56,741 --> 00:01:57,825 Let me break you. 5 00:01:58,034 --> 00:01:59,660 [GIBBERING] 6 00:02:02,705 --> 00:02:03,914 Man, that was funky. Heh. 7 00:02:58,136 --> 00:02:59,178 JONES: Hmm? 8 00:02:59,387 --> 00:03:00,429 [TIRES SCREECH] 9 00:03:00,638 --> 00:03:02,556 MAHONEY: Whoa! Ah. 10 00:03:05,476 --> 00:03:08,979 - Fore! - Well, heh, I guess the meeting's started. 11 00:03:10,607 --> 00:03:14,318 - Howdy, sir? - Mahoney, heh! Jones, heh! 12 00:03:14,819 --> 00:03:16,695 Thank you, Sweetchuck. 13 00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:20,866 I've had the most wonderful news about my new program, heh. 14 00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:24,953 [ALL GASP] 15 00:03:25,163 --> 00:03:26,288 [THUDS] 16 00:03:26,497 --> 00:03:29,917 - What new program is that, sir? - My citizens on patrol. 17 00:03:30,126 --> 00:03:31,752 I call it C.O.P. for short. 18 00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:34,087 Has a nice "police-y" ring to it, don't you think? 19 00:03:34,297 --> 00:03:35,464 What is C.O.P., sir? 20 00:03:36,549 --> 00:03:37,591 [ALL GASPS] 21 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:38,842 [THUDS] 22 00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:41,386 What is the most frustrating thing about police work? 23 00:03:41,596 --> 00:03:45,182 - Not being able to carry hand grenades. - Separate locker rooms, sir. 24 00:03:45,391 --> 00:03:47,059 Icky blue uniforms. 25 00:03:47,310 --> 00:03:50,103 I always thought that the most frustrating thing was that... 26 00:03:50,313 --> 00:03:53,148 we couldn't be everywhere at once to solve every crime. 27 00:03:53,358 --> 00:03:56,401 So the public ends up thinking of us as enemies. 28 00:03:56,903 --> 00:04:00,197 Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could all be friends? 29 00:04:00,615 --> 00:04:03,784 Ah, officer Mahoney, please come in. 30 00:04:04,410 --> 00:04:07,037 Have some lemonade. I love lemonade. 31 00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:11,833 - Not too tart, not- - Too sweet, just, mm, mm, good. 32 00:04:12,377 --> 00:04:13,919 [JONES IMITATES GULPING] 33 00:04:14,128 --> 00:04:15,420 [BURPS] 34 00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:19,591 So C.O.P. is a community action program, sir. 35 00:04:19,801 --> 00:04:24,096 - Like Neighborhood Watch? - More. Much more! 36 00:04:24,722 --> 00:04:26,807 We show the community that we care. 37 00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:31,645 We train volunteers in crime detection, in first-aid and... 38 00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:35,732 - And it's a great idea, sir. - But we need citizen support. 39 00:04:36,317 --> 00:04:39,027 With all this neighborhood crime, I'm sure you'll get it. 40 00:04:39,237 --> 00:04:41,113 LASSARD: Fore! - Right. What if we were to... 41 00:04:41,322 --> 00:04:42,823 [GRUNTS] 42 00:04:43,032 --> 00:04:45,200 - What was that? - Unh... 43 00:04:45,451 --> 00:04:47,452 I believe brother Sweetchuck is suggesting... 44 00:04:47,662 --> 00:04:49,621 we recruit in our old neighborhood. 45 00:04:49,831 --> 00:04:52,833 Excellent. We have the full support of the mayor... 46 00:04:53,042 --> 00:04:57,087 and best of all, the governor of the state wants me to unveil the program... 47 00:04:57,297 --> 00:05:00,716 at the end of the International Police Seminar... 48 00:05:00,925 --> 00:05:02,426 next month in England. 49 00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,053 While I attend the seminar... 50 00:05:05,263 --> 00:05:08,181 you, my good friends... 51 00:05:08,391 --> 00:05:10,434 will put C.O.P. into action. 52 00:05:10,727 --> 00:05:14,271 We'll change community relations all around the world. 53 00:05:15,648 --> 00:05:17,941 The Lassard Method. 54 00:05:19,110 --> 00:05:21,486 It rolls nicely off the tongue, don't you think? 55 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:23,989 Hi! What did I miss? 56 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:28,827 [ZED GIBBERS] 57 00:05:30,663 --> 00:05:32,122 Hi. 58 00:05:36,044 --> 00:05:38,879 [SINGING "SHORTNIN' BREAD"] 59 00:05:39,047 --> 00:05:41,673 Mama's little baby loves shortnin' bread 60 00:05:41,883 --> 00:05:43,133 [BLOWS AIR] 61 00:05:43,718 --> 00:05:44,885 [DOOR OPENS] 62 00:05:45,094 --> 00:05:47,763 Uh, Capt. Harris, Police Commissioner Hurst is here. 63 00:05:47,972 --> 00:05:49,097 You want to see him? 64 00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:50,974 No. Send him packing. 65 00:05:52,101 --> 00:05:53,435 Yes, sir. 66 00:05:53,644 --> 00:05:56,063 - Proctor! - Yes, sir? 67 00:05:56,272 --> 00:05:58,774 Send the Commissioner in immediately. 68 00:05:58,983 --> 00:06:02,152 - I thought you said to send him packing. - Immediately! 69 00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:03,570 Yes, sir. 70 00:06:04,822 --> 00:06:06,406 Nincompoop. 71 00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:09,659 HARRIS: Commissioner. 72 00:06:11,079 --> 00:06:14,081 - You have a problem, Capt. Harris? - Uh, yes, sir. 73 00:06:14,290 --> 00:06:18,919 Commissioner, I am extremely concerned with this memorandum from Lassard... 74 00:06:19,128 --> 00:06:21,880 about his C.O.P. program. 75 00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:26,510 Citizens doing police work? An asinine idea. 76 00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:31,598 If this goes through, no policeman's job, no policeman's paycheck, will be safe. 77 00:06:31,808 --> 00:06:33,225 Are you through, captain? 78 00:06:33,434 --> 00:06:38,063 The governor of this state thinks that this program is absolutely brilliant. 79 00:06:38,773 --> 00:06:42,984 So until he changes his mind, that's what you and I think too. 80 00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:44,569 Agreed? 81 00:06:44,779 --> 00:06:47,489 - Yes, sir. - Good. 82 00:06:53,996 --> 00:06:56,248 You were right. You should have sent him packing. 83 00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:59,584 I don't give a damn what the governor or the mayor thinks. 84 00:06:59,794 --> 00:07:03,088 Lassard's program is a mistake... 85 00:07:03,881 --> 00:07:06,883 and anyone who thinks otherwise is wrong. 86 00:07:08,553 --> 00:07:10,178 Pure and simple. 87 00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:12,889 Don't touch those! 88 00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:16,393 Don't you ever touch my balls without asking! 89 00:07:31,325 --> 00:07:32,659 [WOMAN GASPS] 90 00:07:32,827 --> 00:07:36,496 You're gonna have to leave. I'll call the police. I mean it. 91 00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:39,916 Okay, I'm going. I'm out of here. 92 00:07:41,043 --> 00:07:43,587 Wait a minute. I am the police. 93 00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:48,800 - No, you're not. - That's me. I'm here to speak about C.O.P. 94 00:07:51,888 --> 00:07:54,473 I'm sorry. I didn't... Without the uniform on- 95 00:07:54,682 --> 00:07:58,143 Regular human clothes make people more comfortable. 96 00:07:59,645 --> 00:08:04,107 Hi, ladies. Let's do some poetry! 97 00:08:08,362 --> 00:08:10,405 [HORN BLOWING] 98 00:08:11,824 --> 00:08:14,367 I got to go to my in-laws' for dinner tonight. 99 00:08:16,037 --> 00:08:17,662 You want to come? 100 00:08:19,081 --> 00:08:22,792 Officer Hightower, I'm here to join the new C.O.P. Program. 101 00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:24,252 Do I know you? 102 00:08:24,462 --> 00:08:26,546 Yeah, you used to bounce me on your knee. 103 00:08:26,756 --> 00:08:29,007 - I did? - Yeah. Little Tommy Conklin. 104 00:08:29,217 --> 00:08:33,303 - But now they call me House. - Tommy Conklin. Tommy Conklin. 105 00:08:33,554 --> 00:08:38,266 Sure. Welcome aboard. You can register right over there. 106 00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:55,784 Blind mouth that scare themselves 107 00:08:56,494 --> 00:08:59,538 Know how to hold a sheep hook 108 00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:03,416 Or have learned aught else at least 109 00:09:03,918 --> 00:09:08,672 That to the faithful herdsmans' art belongs 110 00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:14,177 [APPLAUDING] 111 00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:16,179 [LAUGHS] 112 00:09:19,267 --> 00:09:20,892 Whoa! Ah, that was exciting. 113 00:09:21,102 --> 00:09:22,310 [BLOWING NOSE] 114 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:25,272 We have an, uh, Officer Zed, who's here to tell us... 115 00:09:25,481 --> 00:09:28,733 a little bit about my new police program. So won't you... 116 00:09:28,943 --> 00:09:30,735 [APPLAUDING] 117 00:09:33,281 --> 00:09:35,031 Thank you very much. 118 00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:40,579 Oof. I'm sorry. I'm an emotional, sensitive guy... 119 00:09:42,498 --> 00:09:46,042 and that part about the sheep hook just tore my heart right out. Um... 120 00:09:47,128 --> 00:09:49,921 I have my own poem that I prepared for you today. 121 00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:52,882 Gene, Gene made a machine 122 00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:55,635 And Joe, Joe made it go 123 00:09:55,845 --> 00:10:01,308 I blew a fart and blew the whole damn thing apart 124 00:10:02,768 --> 00:10:04,436 What is he saying? 125 00:10:05,229 --> 00:10:06,521 [WOMAN CHUCKLES] 126 00:10:06,731 --> 00:10:08,398 I didn't write it. 127 00:10:09,233 --> 00:10:12,444 Ahem, okay, I'd like to talk to you about what we're here for... 128 00:10:12,653 --> 00:10:15,655 and that's for me to pitch the new C.O.P. program to you. 129 00:10:15,865 --> 00:10:18,408 Perhaps a few of you ladies might be interested in it. 130 00:10:21,412 --> 00:10:23,538 MAN: So the bartender asked the organ grinder, 131 00:10:23,748 --> 00:10:25,624 "Hey, does your monkey sing any opera?" 132 00:10:26,083 --> 00:10:27,751 And I said, "Nope." 133 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:30,587 But if you hit me on the head, I'll sing Yankee Doodle." 134 00:10:30,796 --> 00:10:33,089 [ALL LAUGHING] 135 00:10:36,510 --> 00:10:37,719 [MRS. KIRKLAND HUMMING] 136 00:10:37,928 --> 00:10:41,097 Ooh, it's so nice to have my family all back together again. 137 00:10:41,307 --> 00:10:42,349 [MR. KIRKLAND GRUNTS] 138 00:10:42,558 --> 00:10:44,726 [SQUEALS] 139 00:10:44,935 --> 00:10:48,521 - Can you pass the lettuce, Pop? - Oh, sure, honey. Here you go. 140 00:10:48,731 --> 00:10:50,891 KATHLEEN: Thanks, Pop. - You're welcome. Hey, listen... 141 00:10:51,025 --> 00:10:53,860 did I tell you I'm gonna join that Citizen On Patrol thing? 142 00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:57,530 That would be a great idea. I'd be proud to have you at the precinct. 143 00:10:57,740 --> 00:10:59,866 MR. KIRKLAND: Ah. - I'll take some more greens, Bud. 144 00:11:00,076 --> 00:11:01,368 - Dad. - Yeah? 145 00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:05,455 I don't think you should sign up. There are already three of us on the force. 146 00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:08,917 - It's going to look like favoritism. - That's not it. 147 00:11:09,794 --> 00:11:13,713 That's not it at all. You just don't think I'm fast enough anymore, do you? 148 00:11:14,423 --> 00:11:16,341 [LAUGHING] 149 00:11:17,551 --> 00:11:20,053 - I don't think that's it, do you, Tack? - Ahem, mm. 150 00:11:20,262 --> 00:11:22,597 It has nothing to do with being fast. 151 00:11:22,807 --> 00:11:25,350 MR. KIRKLAND: Ah. - Now, that was fast, huh? 152 00:11:25,559 --> 00:11:28,436 Ahem. You know, that was fast. 153 00:11:28,938 --> 00:11:29,979 [BUD GRUNTS] 154 00:11:30,189 --> 00:11:31,564 But that's hard. 155 00:11:31,774 --> 00:11:32,941 [LAUGHS] 156 00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,486 KATHLEEN: Ooh, oh, oh. - Excuse me. Ha-ha. 157 00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:37,946 [BUD AND MR. KIRKLAND GRUNTING] 158 00:11:38,155 --> 00:11:40,490 I think Bud hurt Pop's feelings. 159 00:11:49,667 --> 00:11:51,459 Oh, you two. 160 00:11:52,211 --> 00:11:54,587 BUD: Ow, ow, ow. 161 00:11:55,965 --> 00:11:57,048 [LAUGHS] 162 00:11:57,258 --> 00:11:59,884 Oh, well, who wants pie? 163 00:12:01,929 --> 00:12:03,722 Mm. 164 00:12:04,932 --> 00:12:07,559 - I was just trying to help. - You hurt my arm. 165 00:12:07,768 --> 00:12:10,103 - I'll hand the rest out. Hi. - Hi. 166 00:12:10,312 --> 00:12:13,440 Could I interest you in the new citizens program? 167 00:12:13,649 --> 00:12:15,567 - Ah, heh, no, I don't think so. - No, thanks. 168 00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,902 - We'll take the stairs. - Thanks, just the same. 169 00:12:18,112 --> 00:12:20,864 Excuse me! 170 00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:24,701 Would you be interested in the new citizens program? 171 00:12:25,369 --> 00:12:29,372 - Ah, yes, in fact, we didn't hear you right. - Sure, here. 172 00:12:29,665 --> 00:12:33,793 - Why don't you hand the rest of them out? - Thank you very much. Goodbye, sir. 173 00:12:39,049 --> 00:12:43,011 - Arnie, where are you going? - Home. I got a boatload of stuff to do. 174 00:12:43,220 --> 00:12:46,139 I got a term paper due tomorrow, and a history test. 175 00:12:46,348 --> 00:12:50,560 I got to help my father clean the cellar, and I have to do the dishes tonight. 176 00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:51,850 - Tsk. - What are you doing? 177 00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:55,148 - I'll get the guys and hang out at the mall. - Let's go. 178 00:12:56,942 --> 00:12:59,152 SERGEANT: Hey, Artie, Kyle. 179 00:13:00,696 --> 00:13:03,656 I thought I told you guys, no skateboarding in my district. 180 00:13:03,866 --> 00:13:07,786 This isn't skateboarding, sergeant. This is carrying skateboards. 181 00:13:11,582 --> 00:13:13,416 This is skateboarding. 182 00:14:32,246 --> 00:14:34,080 [LAUGHING AND CHEERING] 183 00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:38,668 - We got to check this out, you guys. - Take it easy. 184 00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:40,211 We'll see you later. 185 00:14:41,213 --> 00:14:43,131 [PEOPLE CHATTERING] 186 00:14:43,757 --> 00:14:46,259 [PEOPLE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING] 187 00:14:48,512 --> 00:14:50,930 I'll see you later. I want to check out these guys. 188 00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:52,682 All right, I'll be back. 189 00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:14,996 Hey, sarge, look at that. 190 00:15:15,205 --> 00:15:18,708 - Hm, Kyle, that skateboard punk. - Let's nail him. 191 00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:21,252 Boy, you sure give them a hard time. 192 00:15:21,462 --> 00:15:23,838 Yeah. Fun, isn't it? 193 00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:25,757 [CHUCKLES] 194 00:15:30,262 --> 00:15:32,513 You don't listen, do you, Kyle? 195 00:15:32,723 --> 00:15:35,141 I was shopping for Capt. Harris' birthday present. 196 00:15:35,351 --> 00:15:36,809 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah. 197 00:15:37,019 --> 00:15:38,436 Shop somewhere else. 198 00:15:38,646 --> 00:15:39,896 [KYLE GRUNTS] 199 00:15:40,314 --> 00:15:42,690 Oh, Your Honor, uh... 200 00:15:43,859 --> 00:15:47,195 Here, judge. Stop him! Hold up! 201 00:15:47,404 --> 00:15:50,239 KYLE: Excuse me, pardon me. Excuse me, my fault. 202 00:15:51,450 --> 00:15:55,203 - Watch it! OFFICER: Stop! Stop that skateboarder! Hold it! 203 00:15:57,081 --> 00:15:59,582 I can do that, that handstand stuff. 204 00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:02,877 I just hate it when the change falls out of my pocket. 205 00:16:03,087 --> 00:16:04,420 [PEOPLE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING] 206 00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:06,089 [PEOPLE CHATTERING] 207 00:16:06,298 --> 00:16:08,758 Hey, man, I think these guys want to talk to you. 208 00:16:12,096 --> 00:16:13,346 Hold it! 209 00:16:14,306 --> 00:16:16,849 Capt. Harris will hear about this! 210 00:16:20,104 --> 00:16:21,980 [SIGHS] 211 00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:40,873 [KNOCKS ON DOOR] 212 00:16:41,083 --> 00:16:42,166 Come. 213 00:16:43,168 --> 00:16:46,170 - Sir. - Copeland, what the hell happened to you? 214 00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:48,798 Some skateboard punks started a riot at the mall. 215 00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,425 Bring them in here. 216 00:16:50,634 --> 00:16:53,011 - They got away. - They got away? 217 00:16:53,220 --> 00:16:57,306 - I did the best I could, sir. - It wasn't enough, was it, Copeland? 218 00:16:57,641 --> 00:17:01,394 - No, sir. - I'll handle these punks personally. 219 00:17:01,562 --> 00:17:03,354 - Yes, sir. - I want three patrol cars... 220 00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:05,648 dissecting the neighborhood. Copeland, my hat! 221 00:17:05,816 --> 00:17:08,109 - Yes, sir. - You, radio-alert all motorcycle units. 222 00:17:08,277 --> 00:17:10,987 I want a chopper in the air. Spot these boys on the ground. 223 00:17:11,155 --> 00:17:12,155 Proctor, ride with me. 224 00:17:12,322 --> 00:17:16,659 - Now, Proctor, move it! - Ah, coming, sir. 225 00:17:21,165 --> 00:17:22,331 Be right there! 226 00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:29,338 [POLICE SIREN WAILING] 227 00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:31,299 HARRIS: There they go! 228 00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:33,509 Back it up. Shh. Quiet! 229 00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:35,136 [TIRES SCREECH] 230 00:17:35,345 --> 00:17:38,306 I said quiet, dickhead. 231 00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:41,559 We've got them now. 232 00:17:53,655 --> 00:17:55,656 I know they came in here. 233 00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:06,959 [TIRES SCREECH] 234 00:18:10,255 --> 00:18:13,341 OFFICER: Unit 6 to Capt. Harris. We've got them at the end of the alley. 235 00:18:13,550 --> 00:18:15,009 I got you now! 236 00:18:15,219 --> 00:18:17,970 HARRIS [OVER RADIO]: You hold them right there. We're coming. 237 00:18:21,308 --> 00:18:23,142 Copeland, have you got them? 238 00:18:23,352 --> 00:18:25,186 MAHONEY: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 239 00:18:25,395 --> 00:18:27,396 I'm Carey Mahoney of the Police Academy. 240 00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:29,053 [JONES IMITATING CROWD CHEERING] 241 00:18:29,149 --> 00:18:32,610 Thank you. Thank you very much. Please. Thank you. You're too kind. 242 00:18:36,281 --> 00:18:37,698 Jones. 243 00:18:38,659 --> 00:18:42,829 It's Harris. Haul ass. Go. 244 00:18:43,038 --> 00:18:44,413 [POLICE SIREN WAILING] 245 00:18:44,623 --> 00:18:47,500 [TIRES SCREECH] 246 00:18:47,709 --> 00:18:49,752 I got you, you little punks. 247 00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:51,754 [KYLE LAUGHS] 248 00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:55,967 Freeze, you little hoodlums. Get your hands off my ass, Proctor. 249 00:18:56,176 --> 00:18:58,928 Get away, Proctor. 250 00:19:04,101 --> 00:19:06,269 [CLOTH RIPPING] 251 00:19:10,691 --> 00:19:12,191 Proctor. 252 00:19:13,443 --> 00:19:15,736 No. Don't shake the fence. 253 00:19:16,113 --> 00:19:17,738 [HARRIS GRUNTING] 254 00:19:21,702 --> 00:19:25,163 Oh, shit. No! 255 00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:30,710 The purpose of this program... 256 00:19:30,919 --> 00:19:34,881 is to develop a better working relationship between us, the police... 257 00:19:35,549 --> 00:19:38,926 When he says, "Okay, boys and girls," we're all gonna... 258 00:19:41,138 --> 00:19:42,763 and you, the community. 259 00:19:44,308 --> 00:19:46,267 [HARRIS BLOWS WHISTLE] 260 00:19:46,476 --> 00:19:50,146 Stop! Stop right there! 261 00:19:52,566 --> 00:19:55,401 You see, the great thing is, this is a first. 262 00:19:55,611 --> 00:20:00,156 The Police Academy has offered to train you citizens to better protect yourselves. 263 00:20:00,365 --> 00:20:03,409 - You'll be trendsetters. - Do we get to pack heat? 264 00:20:03,619 --> 00:20:05,161 Uh, heat- 265 00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:07,955 [KYLE AND ARNIE YELLING] 266 00:20:08,165 --> 00:20:09,832 [ARNIE GRUNTS] 267 00:20:11,084 --> 00:20:13,502 Stop those little punks! Stop them! 268 00:20:13,712 --> 00:20:15,379 [YELLING] 269 00:20:15,714 --> 00:20:17,506 You're under arrest! 270 00:20:19,509 --> 00:20:21,969 [PEOPLE CLAMORING] 271 00:20:22,179 --> 00:20:23,346 MAN: Are you all right? 272 00:20:24,181 --> 00:20:26,224 Who's laughing now, you little twits? 273 00:20:26,433 --> 00:20:27,475 [LAUGHS] 274 00:20:27,684 --> 00:20:30,019 And your clothes make me want to puke. I'll tell you that right now. 275 00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:34,148 MAHONEY: Capt. Harris! - Well, well, Mahoney. 276 00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:37,235 - It's been a long time, sir. - Hm. So it has. 277 00:20:37,444 --> 00:20:39,362 Well, Motormouth Jones. 278 00:20:39,738 --> 00:20:40,938 [JONES IMITATES ENGINE REVING] 279 00:20:40,989 --> 00:20:43,032 Anyone ever tell you you've got a great tailor, sir? 280 00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:45,284 I mentioned that just last week. 281 00:20:45,494 --> 00:20:50,122 Has anyone told you, Mahoney, that you're still a little pissant? 282 00:20:50,332 --> 00:20:53,626 - No one whose opinion matters, sir. - What did Arnie and Kyle do? 283 00:20:53,835 --> 00:20:57,713 Ooh, you know those clowns? Heh, I should have figured. 284 00:20:58,298 --> 00:21:02,593 Your little pals wrecked a police car, destroyed a shopping mall... 285 00:21:02,803 --> 00:21:05,137 harassed citizens, resisted arrest. 286 00:21:05,347 --> 00:21:07,390 Go easy, captain. They're just wacky kids. 287 00:21:07,599 --> 00:21:10,935 Heh, we'll see how those wacky kids like it in jail. 288 00:21:13,563 --> 00:21:17,858 JUDGE: In all my years on the bench, I have seen all sorts of public disorder. 289 00:21:18,068 --> 00:21:20,278 Young people must learn to conform... 290 00:21:20,487 --> 00:21:23,489 to the standards and laws of civilized society. 291 00:21:23,907 --> 00:21:27,159 In reviewing the testimony and taking into account... 292 00:21:27,369 --> 00:21:30,746 your disregard for public and private property... 293 00:21:31,415 --> 00:21:34,458 I can reach only one decision: 294 00:21:35,919 --> 00:21:37,461 Guilty as hell. 295 00:21:38,505 --> 00:21:39,797 [PEOPLE CLAMORING] 296 00:21:40,507 --> 00:21:42,300 You flushed me down the toilet! 297 00:21:42,509 --> 00:21:43,551 [GAVEL BANGS] 298 00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:45,011 Before you pass sentence- 299 00:21:45,220 --> 00:21:48,347 They're gonna send me to jail, and some fat, hairy guy is gonna- 300 00:21:48,557 --> 00:21:51,475 - May I approach the bench, Your Honor? - Yes, sergeant. 301 00:21:51,685 --> 00:21:56,564 Ah, sir, do we want to expose these boys, these children to a prison environment? 302 00:21:56,773 --> 00:22:00,192 - Yes. - May I run my own court, captain? 303 00:22:00,402 --> 00:22:02,570 - You've got a better idea? - Yes, I do, sir. 304 00:22:02,779 --> 00:22:05,906 Comdt. Lassard has initiated a new community relations program. 305 00:22:06,116 --> 00:22:08,159 Why not assign these kids... 306 00:22:08,327 --> 00:22:10,745 to that program as a form of alternate sentencing? 307 00:22:10,954 --> 00:22:13,789 - That's ridiculous! - I'll be the judge of that. 308 00:22:14,458 --> 00:22:16,584 I... Excuse me. 309 00:22:17,461 --> 00:22:20,254 I like the sound of this community relations gig. 310 00:22:20,881 --> 00:22:24,050 Milt Butterworth, defender of the common man. 311 00:22:24,259 --> 00:22:27,762 Your Honor, look at this list of complaints. 312 00:22:27,971 --> 00:22:30,681 And I quote you directly, sir, when I say- 313 00:22:31,058 --> 00:22:32,391 [JONES IMITATES FART] 314 00:22:33,268 --> 00:22:34,310 [MAN CHUCKLES] 315 00:22:43,153 --> 00:22:46,947 Gee, sir, I thought you only got contempt of court for opening your mouth. 316 00:22:49,659 --> 00:22:51,952 Mahoney, I'm warning you. 317 00:22:52,162 --> 00:22:55,331 You keep Lassard's C.O.Ps out of my precinct. 318 00:22:55,499 --> 00:22:57,458 You don't understand what I'm trying to do. 319 00:22:57,626 --> 00:22:59,752 I understand exactly what you're trying to do. 320 00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:03,297 Just keep them out, especially these two little butt wads. 321 00:23:03,507 --> 00:23:06,008 Excuse me, sir, but you're not planning to attack us... 322 00:23:06,218 --> 00:23:08,886 with any more of your bodily functions, are you? 323 00:23:09,930 --> 00:23:11,222 [CHUCKLES] 324 00:23:11,431 --> 00:23:15,768 You just make sure that we never meet again. Ever. 325 00:23:17,479 --> 00:23:21,023 You know, with those two idiots in Lassard's program, it'll never work. 326 00:23:36,665 --> 00:23:39,041 [PLAYING "OLD FOLKS AT HOME"] 327 00:23:48,385 --> 00:23:49,802 Excuse me, sir. 328 00:23:50,011 --> 00:23:52,179 We're looking for a Mrs. Feldman. 329 00:23:52,389 --> 00:23:54,223 - Do you know her? - Yes. 330 00:23:55,142 --> 00:23:56,600 [PLAYS "ALOUETTE"] 331 00:24:02,399 --> 00:24:05,192 Excuse me, ma'am. Do you know a Mrs. Lois- 332 00:24:05,402 --> 00:24:08,279 - Where can we find Lois Feldman, please? - There. 333 00:24:09,197 --> 00:24:10,406 Thank you. 334 00:24:17,038 --> 00:24:18,289 Mrs. Feldman? 335 00:24:18,498 --> 00:24:20,291 LOIS: Who's asking? - Police. 336 00:24:21,042 --> 00:24:23,419 LOIS: Is it about those damn library books? 337 00:24:24,588 --> 00:24:28,841 We're following up on your alleged interest in the Citizens On Patrol program. 338 00:24:29,050 --> 00:24:32,219 Ooh, then I'm Mrs. Feldman. Come on in. 339 00:24:34,890 --> 00:24:37,933 Callahan, cover your rear. 340 00:24:48,570 --> 00:24:50,696 I admire your taste. 341 00:24:50,906 --> 00:24:54,950 Yes, well, I do all my own decorating. 342 00:24:56,244 --> 00:24:58,078 You have a talent for it, ma'am. 343 00:24:58,288 --> 00:25:00,456 I'll be with you in a moment, sarge. 344 00:25:00,832 --> 00:25:03,959 Uh, perhaps you'd like to discuss the program first, ma'am. 345 00:25:04,169 --> 00:25:05,586 What's to discuss? 346 00:25:05,795 --> 00:25:09,256 Think I want to hang out here and listen to arteries hardening, heh? 347 00:25:09,633 --> 00:25:11,884 Where did I put that bulletproof vest? 348 00:25:14,804 --> 00:25:16,639 [MAN BLOWS WHISTLE] 349 00:25:19,643 --> 00:25:21,936 [OFFICER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] 350 00:25:25,982 --> 00:25:29,318 All right, fall in! Come on, please, line up. 351 00:25:29,528 --> 00:25:31,403 Come on, I need a lineup here. 352 00:25:32,072 --> 00:25:34,198 Hello, ma'am. Ladies and gentlemen- 353 00:25:34,783 --> 00:25:35,950 [WHISTLES] 354 00:25:39,079 --> 00:25:41,997 - Thank you, Miss... - Mrs. Feldman. 355 00:25:42,499 --> 00:25:44,291 Mrs. Feldman. 356 00:25:45,835 --> 00:25:47,169 [CHATTERING] 357 00:26:03,270 --> 00:26:06,146 I want to welcome all of you to the Academy. 358 00:26:06,356 --> 00:26:11,026 You are part of a new and exciting program that I call... 359 00:26:11,486 --> 00:26:14,363 - I call C.O.P. - C.O.P. 360 00:26:16,032 --> 00:26:19,076 - Citizens On Patrol. - Citizens On Patrol. 361 00:26:19,452 --> 00:26:22,204 - Citizens On Patrol! - Citizens On Patrol! 362 00:26:23,582 --> 00:26:26,250 You will work and train with the police. 363 00:26:26,459 --> 00:26:28,752 The police will work and train with you. 364 00:26:29,170 --> 00:26:32,840 Working and training, training and working. 365 00:26:33,049 --> 00:26:34,550 Excuse me, commandant. 366 00:26:34,759 --> 00:26:38,095 But do you expect the community to do the job of the police force? 367 00:26:38,305 --> 00:26:42,474 There are many, many jobs for many, many people. 368 00:26:43,059 --> 00:26:45,185 Sir, I'll take care of this. 369 00:26:45,770 --> 00:26:48,314 Excuse me, young lady, what the commandant means... 370 00:26:48,523 --> 00:26:50,941 is that this program will promote understanding... 371 00:26:51,109 --> 00:26:53,110 between the community and the police... 372 00:26:53,278 --> 00:26:56,655 and make the community more active in crime prevention. 373 00:26:57,240 --> 00:26:59,158 WOMAN: Active in crime prevention? 374 00:26:59,367 --> 00:27:00,409 [COOING] 375 00:27:00,619 --> 00:27:04,121 - Won't that be dangerous? LASSARD: No. - We just want to teach citizens... 376 00:27:04,331 --> 00:27:06,457 to prevent crimes from taking place. 377 00:27:06,666 --> 00:27:10,919 WOMAN: It sounds fine in theory. Let's hope it works in practice. 378 00:27:14,424 --> 00:27:16,634 I like him. He's a really nice fish. 379 00:27:16,843 --> 00:27:17,885 [LASSARD CHUCKLES] 380 00:27:18,094 --> 00:27:19,511 He looks a little like you. 381 00:27:22,432 --> 00:27:25,851 I will attend an international police seminar in London. 382 00:27:26,061 --> 00:27:29,605 It would be the crowning achievement of my career... 383 00:27:30,106 --> 00:27:31,940 if I could close this seminar... 384 00:27:32,150 --> 00:27:35,235 by bringing instructors from all around the world... 385 00:27:35,445 --> 00:27:39,782 here to watch the C.O.P. program in action. 386 00:27:40,742 --> 00:27:45,162 I'm counting on all of you to make that possible. 387 00:27:45,372 --> 00:27:47,623 In Comdt. Lassard's absence... 388 00:27:47,832 --> 00:27:51,293 I've appointed a very able-bodied and experienced officer... 389 00:27:51,503 --> 00:27:52,836 to run the Academy. 390 00:27:54,130 --> 00:27:56,382 Ah. Perfect timing. Here he is now. 391 00:27:56,591 --> 00:27:58,550 [TIRES SCREECH] 392 00:27:58,760 --> 00:28:00,302 MAN: Attention! 393 00:28:07,811 --> 00:28:09,478 [PEOPLE LAUGHING] 394 00:28:12,524 --> 00:28:15,150 Two weeks of Harris? Damn! 395 00:28:21,157 --> 00:28:22,282 Damn. 396 00:28:23,410 --> 00:28:25,077 - Uh, uh... - Deodorant? Thanks. 397 00:28:27,664 --> 00:28:29,873 [SCREAMS] 398 00:28:32,377 --> 00:28:33,669 Straighten this mess up. 399 00:28:33,878 --> 00:28:35,421 - What mess? - Now! 400 00:28:36,089 --> 00:28:39,091 I want all of you dirt bags and that group of C.O.P. people... 401 00:28:39,300 --> 00:28:42,052 out in front of this dormitory at 1400 hours. 402 00:28:42,554 --> 00:28:44,263 Move it! 403 00:28:44,472 --> 00:28:47,683 Sir, we were just commenting on how you'd mellowed. 404 00:28:50,186 --> 00:28:53,105 - Captain? - What is it, Mahoney? 405 00:28:53,273 --> 00:28:55,649 I hope you're gonna give this program a fair chance. 406 00:28:55,859 --> 00:29:00,154 This program, Mahoney, is just like you: a bad idea. 407 00:29:00,363 --> 00:29:01,947 That's your opinion, sir. 408 00:29:02,157 --> 00:29:05,200 But this is Comdt. Lassard's idea, and his Academy. 409 00:29:05,744 --> 00:29:07,327 Ooh. 410 00:29:07,537 --> 00:29:09,663 Things can change, Mahoney. 411 00:29:10,373 --> 00:29:13,041 Oh, yes, things can change. 412 00:29:13,376 --> 00:29:15,335 I'll see you out front. 413 00:29:15,670 --> 00:29:17,212 [LAUGHING] 414 00:29:19,799 --> 00:29:21,008 [SHOWER RUNNING] 415 00:29:23,094 --> 00:29:25,262 [HARRIS SCREAMS] 416 00:29:31,728 --> 00:29:33,729 I bet that was refreshing, sir. 417 00:29:36,274 --> 00:29:38,150 Over the next two weeks... 418 00:29:38,359 --> 00:29:41,695 you'll go through a modified training program. 419 00:29:41,905 --> 00:29:45,407 You'll learn many, many keys to crime prevention. 420 00:29:46,034 --> 00:29:50,120 Keys you can teach many, many others in your community. 421 00:29:50,330 --> 00:29:54,249 Modified? Modified nothing. I want the works. 422 00:29:54,459 --> 00:29:56,168 WOMAN: Yeah. - Madam... 423 00:29:56,377 --> 00:29:59,421 I think it's time for a dose of reality. 424 00:30:00,215 --> 00:30:02,424 You can forget Lassard's hype. 425 00:30:03,968 --> 00:30:07,596 You people do not belong here. 426 00:30:08,598 --> 00:30:11,809 Especially you and you. 427 00:30:14,604 --> 00:30:15,729 [CHUCKLES] 428 00:30:15,939 --> 00:30:19,942 Community action groups mean one thing, and one thing only. 429 00:30:22,946 --> 00:30:24,863 I hope that wasn't gum. 430 00:30:28,409 --> 00:30:30,452 You heard the captain. Is it? 431 00:30:31,454 --> 00:30:35,374 It's definitely gum, sir. Bubble gum. Cherry, I think. 432 00:30:35,792 --> 00:30:38,627 - Thank you, Proctor. PROCTOR: You're welcome, sir. 433 00:30:41,548 --> 00:30:45,384 These groups only mean citizens getting in the way of the police. 434 00:30:45,593 --> 00:30:47,886 Now, I don't get involved in your business... 435 00:30:48,096 --> 00:30:50,764 and I don't want you involved in my- 436 00:30:50,974 --> 00:30:53,267 [CACKLES] 437 00:30:54,769 --> 00:30:56,144 Now, if you were smart... 438 00:30:56,354 --> 00:31:00,190 you would go home and forget this stupid idea... 439 00:31:00,900 --> 00:31:02,442 [GROANS] 440 00:31:02,652 --> 00:31:04,820 Are those wedding bells I hear, sir? 441 00:31:05,697 --> 00:31:07,072 [SNARLING] 442 00:31:08,032 --> 00:31:09,283 [GRUNTS] 443 00:31:09,492 --> 00:31:13,620 - Whose damn mutt is this? - It's my damn mutt. 444 00:31:14,956 --> 00:31:17,541 I want him out of here! 445 00:31:17,750 --> 00:31:19,960 - But, sir- - Out! 446 00:31:20,837 --> 00:31:22,254 Out! 447 00:31:23,298 --> 00:31:27,301 I am not getting rid of Clarence. He's my pet. 448 00:31:27,510 --> 00:31:31,179 Why should you? After all, Harris has Proctor. 449 00:31:31,806 --> 00:31:33,307 I'll take him. 450 00:31:33,725 --> 00:31:35,976 I have a big house, nice yard. 451 00:31:36,811 --> 00:31:39,438 See, he likes me. We'll get along fine. 452 00:31:39,647 --> 00:31:42,733 - Me too? I'm housebroken. - Heh. 453 00:31:42,942 --> 00:31:45,611 Come on, C.O.Ps, let's step up to the white line! 454 00:31:45,820 --> 00:31:49,156 Let's line ourselves up with a slot, then let's listen to Mr. Jones. 455 00:31:49,365 --> 00:31:51,366 Thank you, Sgt. Tackleberry. 456 00:31:53,119 --> 00:31:56,330 This is a standard police issue. 38. 457 00:31:56,706 --> 00:31:58,665 Examine this weapon carefully. 458 00:31:58,875 --> 00:32:00,959 You must be sure this weapon is not loaded. 459 00:32:01,169 --> 00:32:05,339 You will be responsible for the loading and unloading of this weapon yourself. 460 00:32:05,715 --> 00:32:07,758 Now, Sgt. Tackleberry. 461 00:32:10,595 --> 00:32:13,138 You want to become one with the gun. 462 00:32:15,224 --> 00:32:19,061 Feel the gun, caress the gun... 463 00:32:20,939 --> 00:32:24,399 until it's a living, breathing, vibrating... 464 00:32:24,609 --> 00:32:27,736 extension of yourself. 465 00:32:27,946 --> 00:32:29,529 I look for the same in a woman. 466 00:32:29,739 --> 00:32:31,740 This sucker's not loaded. 467 00:32:31,950 --> 00:32:33,867 You won't be using live ammo. 468 00:32:34,535 --> 00:32:38,956 Tack, how about letting me squeeze off a few rounds of that baby? 469 00:32:39,165 --> 00:32:40,540 Tack? 470 00:32:41,542 --> 00:32:43,293 Affirmative, Mrs. F. 471 00:32:45,421 --> 00:32:48,590 Now, be careful because a. 44 magnum has quite a... 472 00:32:49,384 --> 00:32:50,592 [WOMAN SCREAMS] 473 00:32:51,177 --> 00:32:52,302 Kick. 474 00:32:52,512 --> 00:32:54,262 Damn, that was fun! 475 00:32:58,935 --> 00:33:01,019 WOMAN: Rescuing the drowning victim. 476 00:33:01,229 --> 00:33:03,855 Now, when approaching a potentially dangerous... 477 00:33:04,023 --> 00:33:06,358 and out-of-control victim, use this stroke only. 478 00:33:06,567 --> 00:33:08,360 Arms out of the way for protection. 479 00:33:08,569 --> 00:33:12,197 Now, when you get the victim in control, you slip your arm across his chest... 480 00:33:12,407 --> 00:33:13,740 under his opposite arm. 481 00:33:13,950 --> 00:33:16,368 Rest his head and his neck against your shoulder. 482 00:33:16,577 --> 00:33:20,122 Kick with your feet. Now, your victim could be struggling. 483 00:33:20,498 --> 00:33:23,625 Struggle, House. Good, House... 484 00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:24,960 House! 485 00:33:31,092 --> 00:33:32,968 [GIBBERING] 486 00:33:34,137 --> 00:33:36,263 Really swift! I'll get him! 487 00:33:41,019 --> 00:33:44,813 Arnie, get out of the pool! You just ate! 488 00:33:56,784 --> 00:33:58,577 [ARNIE GRUNTS] 489 00:34:01,748 --> 00:34:03,498 Get him out of here! 490 00:34:07,336 --> 00:34:08,712 Thanks, pal. 491 00:34:10,423 --> 00:34:13,759 Now we have an opportunity to start our water safety lesson. 492 00:34:16,763 --> 00:34:18,889 I will play the drowning victim. 493 00:34:22,602 --> 00:34:23,894 Arnie? 494 00:34:33,863 --> 00:34:35,906 Now, who's going to save me? 495 00:34:36,115 --> 00:34:37,783 MAN1: Yeah! MAN2: Yeah! 496 00:35:07,105 --> 00:35:08,313 [SIGHS] 497 00:35:08,815 --> 00:35:12,317 That was, uh, mighty brave. I admire that. 498 00:35:12,902 --> 00:35:14,319 That was nothing. 499 00:35:15,154 --> 00:35:18,865 You don't have a hair dryer, or, ah! Perhaps some mousse? 500 00:35:19,450 --> 00:35:23,286 No. Your hair looks nice. It's very stylish. 501 00:35:23,746 --> 00:35:25,705 Moi? Stylish? 502 00:35:27,834 --> 00:35:29,417 Oh, um, I think I'd better be going. 503 00:35:30,002 --> 00:35:31,419 Mickey! 504 00:35:33,297 --> 00:35:35,549 He's dead! He killed him! 505 00:35:36,134 --> 00:35:39,845 - Oh, I'm sure the Academy will pay for it. - What about the sentimental value? 506 00:35:40,054 --> 00:35:41,930 This is a family heirloom here. 507 00:35:42,140 --> 00:35:45,559 This is the last thing I ever stole before joining the Academy. 508 00:35:45,768 --> 00:35:49,521 What the hell is this? Cadets in heat? 509 00:35:49,730 --> 00:35:51,356 No. We were just, like, talking. 510 00:35:51,566 --> 00:35:54,276 Oh, just, like, talk somewhere else. 511 00:35:54,610 --> 00:35:57,654 This is not a spawning pool. I want discipline. 512 00:35:58,030 --> 00:36:00,157 Do I make myself clear, Zed? 513 00:36:00,741 --> 00:36:02,117 Discipline! 514 00:36:03,619 --> 00:36:05,370 - Jerk. - What? 515 00:36:05,580 --> 00:36:06,955 He said bye. 516 00:36:10,251 --> 00:36:13,545 No. I said jerk. I think it was pretty clear. 517 00:36:13,754 --> 00:36:15,422 - I said, "Jerk." - Jerk. 518 00:36:16,841 --> 00:36:20,468 [SINGING] "Wait," said the daisy, sweet buttercup 519 00:36:20,887 --> 00:36:23,054 Time to get up 520 00:36:24,932 --> 00:36:26,975 Time to get up 521 00:36:28,686 --> 00:36:32,272 As a daisy, sweet buttercup 522 00:36:32,607 --> 00:36:36,484 Time to get up, time to get up 523 00:36:47,788 --> 00:36:49,623 [SIZZLING] 524 00:36:50,958 --> 00:36:52,626 [SCREAMS] 525 00:36:52,835 --> 00:36:54,836 Cadets, I'd now like to discuss with you... 526 00:36:55,004 --> 00:36:57,339 something that will be vital for you to know... 527 00:36:57,506 --> 00:37:01,051 when you're, like, out there on the job as a police officer. 528 00:37:01,260 --> 00:37:04,179 And that's the correct way to eat a doughnut. 529 00:37:04,847 --> 00:37:07,140 - A doughnut- PROCTOR: Attention! 530 00:37:09,060 --> 00:37:10,560 Captain Harris. 531 00:37:19,153 --> 00:37:23,198 From this moment on, anyone who misplaces their canister of Mace... 532 00:37:23,407 --> 00:37:25,450 will be reprimanded and fined. 533 00:37:25,660 --> 00:37:27,911 - Is that clear? ALL: Yes, sir! 534 00:37:36,963 --> 00:37:38,046 Bye. 535 00:37:41,259 --> 00:37:43,176 As Citizens On Patrol... 536 00:37:43,386 --> 00:37:46,930 endurance and longevity should be very important to you. 537 00:37:47,598 --> 00:37:51,142 Aerobic activity will keep you in shape... 538 00:37:51,978 --> 00:37:53,812 and keep that heart rate up. 539 00:37:54,313 --> 00:37:57,232 Music, however, makes it a little less painful. 540 00:37:57,608 --> 00:37:59,734 Hooks, cassette. 541 00:37:59,944 --> 00:38:03,238 I have confidence that Sgt. Hooks has chosen the appropriate music. 542 00:38:03,447 --> 00:38:04,864 Oh-ho, no cassette. 543 00:38:05,074 --> 00:38:06,241 Let's go. 544 00:38:06,450 --> 00:38:08,618 [GIBBERING] 545 00:38:10,746 --> 00:38:13,206 Nice selection, Hooks. All right. 546 00:38:13,416 --> 00:38:14,874 Slow walk. Slow start. 547 00:38:15,084 --> 00:38:17,127 [JONES BEATBOXING] 548 00:38:17,336 --> 00:38:19,796 Keep your arms moving. That's good. 549 00:38:20,006 --> 00:38:22,424 Into a nice slow jog. Okay! 550 00:38:23,092 --> 00:38:26,344 Arms moving. Keep breathing. Don't forget to breathe. 551 00:38:26,554 --> 00:38:30,265 Tuck his tummy, Hooks. Attagirl. Let's go. 552 00:38:37,690 --> 00:38:40,275 [GRUNTS] 553 00:38:40,693 --> 00:38:41,735 [GROANING] 554 00:38:41,944 --> 00:38:43,486 [SCOREBOARD BUZZES] 555 00:38:45,114 --> 00:38:48,533 Now, this whistle can be very valuable... 556 00:38:48,743 --> 00:38:51,202 when walking through a bad neighborhood. 557 00:38:51,412 --> 00:38:54,122 If your purse gets snatched, blow this whistle... 558 00:38:54,582 --> 00:38:57,792 to alert your neighbors and the police so they can help. 559 00:38:58,002 --> 00:39:00,628 Now, Mrs. Feldman, would you play the victim? 560 00:39:00,838 --> 00:39:04,924 - Yes. - Okay, and I'll be Mr. Purse Snatcher. 561 00:39:05,134 --> 00:39:07,927 - Okay. - Heh, go. 562 00:39:08,721 --> 00:39:10,055 [MRS. FELDMAN HUMMING] 563 00:39:10,264 --> 00:39:11,890 [GASPS] 564 00:39:12,099 --> 00:39:13,892 [BOTH GRUNTING] 565 00:39:15,311 --> 00:39:16,644 [SWEETCHUCK BLOWING WHISTLE] 566 00:39:22,568 --> 00:39:24,069 Any questions? 567 00:39:30,451 --> 00:39:32,410 [ALL GRUNTING] 568 00:39:45,925 --> 00:39:48,134 Now, practice. 569 00:39:54,100 --> 00:39:56,643 [GRUNTING] 570 00:39:58,437 --> 00:40:00,146 [ALL CHEERS] 571 00:40:00,356 --> 00:40:04,192 You had him for, like, a minute. He was scared. He was, like, flinching. 572 00:40:04,402 --> 00:40:05,944 His face went: 573 00:40:24,505 --> 00:40:26,047 [YELLS] 574 00:40:28,008 --> 00:40:30,427 [SCREAMING] 575 00:40:30,636 --> 00:40:31,970 [SWEETCHUCK SCREAMING] 576 00:40:34,723 --> 00:40:36,349 [SCOREBOARD BUZZES] 577 00:40:37,726 --> 00:40:38,893 Sorry. 578 00:40:40,521 --> 00:40:43,982 - Citizens On Patrol. What a joke. - Heh. 579 00:40:44,400 --> 00:40:47,777 - You know what C.O.P. really stands for? - Uh, no, sir. What? 580 00:40:47,987 --> 00:40:51,156 - Collection Of Pissants. That's not funny. - Ha-ha. No, sir. 581 00:40:51,365 --> 00:40:55,702 This citizen-action crap is a disaster, a bad idea, and I'm going to prove it. 582 00:40:55,911 --> 00:40:57,120 Yes, sir. 583 00:41:00,416 --> 00:41:03,835 HOOKS: Excuse me, everyone. 584 00:41:04,044 --> 00:41:05,211 I mean, not everyone. 585 00:41:05,421 --> 00:41:08,882 Attention! Excuse me. Move it! 586 00:41:09,467 --> 00:41:12,719 HOOKS: Everybody, come over here! - Hooks. 587 00:41:12,928 --> 00:41:17,223 Stop embarrassing the Police Department and join your civilian buddies. 588 00:41:17,433 --> 00:41:20,602 May I have your attention, please? Hooks, the tank! 589 00:41:20,811 --> 00:41:21,853 Ouch. 590 00:41:22,062 --> 00:41:24,898 HOOKS: I'm so sorry. - You dimwit! 591 00:41:25,107 --> 00:41:26,441 [HARRIS GROANING] 592 00:41:29,945 --> 00:41:32,489 HARRIS: Today, Hooks, today. 593 00:41:39,330 --> 00:41:43,333 Now, take your little munchkin voice and go away. 594 00:41:44,960 --> 00:41:46,044 Shoo, shoo, shoo! 595 00:41:47,880 --> 00:41:49,214 Listen up! 596 00:41:49,632 --> 00:41:54,219 This is the proper procedure for administering oxygen. 597 00:41:55,262 --> 00:41:59,224 You place the mask securely about the face of the patient... 598 00:41:59,433 --> 00:42:01,851 and then have them breathe deeply. 599 00:42:06,524 --> 00:42:08,650 [IN SQUEAKY VOICE] Now, that is the way it's done... 600 00:42:08,817 --> 00:42:10,026 in Capt. Harris' precinct. 601 00:42:10,194 --> 00:42:11,402 [ALL LAUGHING] 602 00:42:11,612 --> 00:42:14,239 What the hell? Hooks! 603 00:42:18,536 --> 00:42:19,619 [PEOPLE GRUNTING] 604 00:42:21,163 --> 00:42:24,082 So you gentlemen think you're on a vacation? 605 00:42:24,500 --> 00:42:27,710 You're no better than anyone else, so let's go, let's get to work. 606 00:42:27,920 --> 00:42:29,879 Come on, dudes, chill out. 607 00:42:30,673 --> 00:42:33,883 You dudes are setting a bad example. 608 00:42:34,552 --> 00:42:38,263 Can't hear you, bro. Can't you see I'm getting my beauty sleep? 609 00:42:38,472 --> 00:42:39,764 Oh, I'm sorry. 610 00:42:40,516 --> 00:42:41,724 Move it! 611 00:42:45,813 --> 00:42:47,522 You sure told them. 612 00:42:49,316 --> 00:42:52,235 Did you ever think about maybe getting some contact lenses... 613 00:42:52,444 --> 00:42:54,571 or something, like, you know? 614 00:42:55,656 --> 00:42:57,198 You'd look good in them. 615 00:42:58,117 --> 00:42:59,325 [POLICE SIREN WAILING] 616 00:42:59,535 --> 00:43:01,494 Proctor, this is an alley. 617 00:43:01,662 --> 00:43:04,330 I know, sir, but these are the directions Mahoney gave me. 618 00:43:04,498 --> 00:43:05,498 - Mahoney? - Yes, sir. 619 00:43:05,708 --> 00:43:08,209 He says this restaurant has the best salad bar in town. 620 00:43:08,377 --> 00:43:10,211 It damn sure better have. 621 00:43:12,548 --> 00:43:14,340 [HARRIS CLEARS THROAT] 622 00:43:15,384 --> 00:43:17,051 [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKER] 623 00:43:23,058 --> 00:43:25,310 - Proctor. - Yes, sir? 624 00:43:26,186 --> 00:43:28,646 I don't see a salad bar. 625 00:43:29,565 --> 00:43:32,483 Look, maybe they serve seafood, heh. 626 00:43:32,693 --> 00:43:34,819 That's not funny, you idiot. 627 00:43:37,531 --> 00:43:40,199 What are you looking at, you pecker head? 628 00:43:40,409 --> 00:43:43,786 Nice uniform. Makes me wish I'd worn my sailor outfit. 629 00:43:45,581 --> 00:43:49,125 I'm getting out of here. Move it! 630 00:43:49,335 --> 00:43:51,461 [HARRIS GRUNTS] 631 00:43:51,629 --> 00:43:52,837 [TANGO MUSIC PLAYING] 632 00:43:53,005 --> 00:43:54,756 Proctor! 633 00:43:55,633 --> 00:43:58,426 I don't think cutting in is allowed, sir. 634 00:43:58,636 --> 00:44:00,053 Nice collar. 635 00:44:00,721 --> 00:44:02,138 [COUGHS] 636 00:44:06,018 --> 00:44:08,269 [ALL CHEERING] 637 00:44:14,193 --> 00:44:17,153 JONES: Here we go again. Next round. Mahoney weaving his way through... 638 00:44:17,321 --> 00:44:19,447 looking pretty good. Gets past the main defense. 639 00:44:19,657 --> 00:44:21,074 And, under the leg! 640 00:44:21,241 --> 00:44:22,325 Oh. 641 00:44:22,534 --> 00:44:23,868 Nice shot! 642 00:44:24,078 --> 00:44:26,579 That man is a hot dog. The crowd's gone wild! 643 00:44:27,414 --> 00:44:31,042 The ball's brought in. Here we go. We have the play going. 644 00:44:31,335 --> 00:44:32,835 Throws to Zed. 645 00:44:33,671 --> 00:44:35,588 - Ahh! - A little bit of a steal there. 646 00:44:36,298 --> 00:44:37,548 Hightower! 647 00:44:37,716 --> 00:44:40,885 Mahoney throws a pass to Hightower. 648 00:44:41,095 --> 00:44:44,681 And then Hightower he... The Doctor of Dunk scores! 649 00:44:46,433 --> 00:44:49,268 You killed it. Really swift! 650 00:44:50,354 --> 00:44:51,396 Aha. 651 00:44:51,605 --> 00:44:52,980 Uh, some community action. 652 00:44:53,607 --> 00:44:57,235 Ladies and gentlemen, it's Lt. Proctor, a ghetto favorite! 653 00:44:59,405 --> 00:45:01,030 Thank you very much. 654 00:45:01,198 --> 00:45:02,740 [JONES IMITATES FEEDBACK] 655 00:45:03,033 --> 00:45:04,492 I'm honored to be- 656 00:45:08,997 --> 00:45:12,500 You know, uh, Capt. Harris isn't gonna like this... 657 00:45:13,335 --> 00:45:14,794 goofing off. 658 00:45:15,003 --> 00:45:18,548 - Oh, come on. This is community relations. - No, Mahoney. 659 00:45:18,757 --> 00:45:22,176 I'm an expert in goofing off, and this is goofing off. 660 00:45:23,345 --> 00:45:25,638 And I'm gonna have to tell him, heh. 661 00:45:26,306 --> 00:45:29,600 - I have an urge to break him in half. - Why fight it? 662 00:45:30,686 --> 00:45:34,397 No, Hightower. Take it easy, big guy. The creeps not worth it. 663 00:45:35,691 --> 00:45:37,775 [CAR ENGINE STARTS] 664 00:45:39,737 --> 00:45:41,988 [TIRES SCREECH] 665 00:45:43,699 --> 00:45:45,575 - You through in there? - Sure, go ahead. 666 00:45:45,784 --> 00:45:46,909 Thanks. 667 00:46:00,382 --> 00:46:01,632 Excuse me, uh, Silvio? 668 00:46:01,842 --> 00:46:04,927 I wonder if you can help me. I need some help over here. 669 00:46:05,137 --> 00:46:07,054 - Right there. SILVIO: No problem. 670 00:46:18,692 --> 00:46:20,151 [THUMPING] 671 00:46:34,458 --> 00:46:38,044 Hey, hey, hold your horses, I'll be out in a minute! 672 00:46:39,463 --> 00:46:41,923 Okay, like, bring it in. 673 00:46:42,090 --> 00:46:45,051 Just, like, bring it in a hair. 674 00:46:46,220 --> 00:46:48,221 Watch out for the plane! 675 00:46:48,430 --> 00:46:50,473 Oh, the humanity, phew! 676 00:46:50,682 --> 00:46:53,768 Okay, that's perfect. No, that's fine. 677 00:46:54,937 --> 00:46:57,355 - Metro police. - Special assignment. 678 00:47:18,752 --> 00:47:20,962 [LAUGHING] 679 00:47:41,149 --> 00:47:43,025 MAN [OVER SPEAKERS]: Ladies and gentlemen... 680 00:47:43,360 --> 00:47:45,903 please rise for our national anthem. 681 00:47:46,446 --> 00:47:48,447 [PLAYING "STAR SPANGLED BANNER"] 682 00:48:01,712 --> 00:48:05,506 - Aah! Read that part about me again, Arnie. - What part? 683 00:48:05,799 --> 00:48:08,426 You know, the part about the dynamic leader of the C.O.P. 684 00:48:08,635 --> 00:48:11,178 Get real! That's me they're talking about. 685 00:48:11,722 --> 00:48:13,848 [IMITATES DOOR SQUEAKING] 686 00:48:15,601 --> 00:48:17,518 [IMITATING BELA LUGOSl] Good evening, gentlemen. 687 00:48:17,686 --> 00:48:19,353 I congratulate you on another good day. 688 00:48:19,521 --> 00:48:22,273 Sleep well, ha, ha. 689 00:48:22,482 --> 00:48:25,276 Hey, Count, getting worried we're gonna be taking over soon? 690 00:48:25,485 --> 00:48:26,736 We're ready. 691 00:48:26,945 --> 00:48:30,489 Hm, you're improving, guys. But you're still way down in the food chain. 692 00:48:30,699 --> 00:48:33,701 As we vampires say, "Lights out, suckers." 693 00:48:34,286 --> 00:48:36,037 [IMITATES WOLF] 694 00:48:38,498 --> 00:48:40,416 This C.O.P. bit is a breeze. 695 00:48:40,626 --> 00:48:42,627 - We are ready. - I concur. 696 00:48:42,836 --> 00:48:45,379 I think we're ready to bust some truly major criminals. 697 00:48:45,589 --> 00:48:48,132 Maybe we should go out and find some. 698 00:48:48,592 --> 00:48:53,512 Maybe we should become vigilantes. Yeah, that's it. Vigilantes. 699 00:49:05,233 --> 00:49:07,902 Wake up, men! We need you. Now! 700 00:49:08,320 --> 00:49:10,905 Come on. 701 00:49:11,740 --> 00:49:15,368 What's going on? Where are we going? Why are we here? What's happening? 702 00:49:15,577 --> 00:49:18,496 You're here because you're ready. You said you were ready. 703 00:49:18,705 --> 00:49:20,957 - One thing I- - You're ready, now. 704 00:49:33,220 --> 00:49:36,347 Could you be a little more specific concerning our current mission? 705 00:49:36,556 --> 00:49:40,351 - We're apprehending two known felons. - Uh, I'll be going home now. 706 00:50:05,085 --> 00:50:07,044 - Where are the rest? - What rest? We're it. 707 00:50:07,254 --> 00:50:11,132 - We'll flush them out of the building. - You stay behind, cut them off in the alley. 708 00:50:11,341 --> 00:50:12,383 Stay. 709 00:50:12,968 --> 00:50:15,219 What about guns and shit, man? 710 00:50:15,429 --> 00:50:17,847 Guns? No, you won't be needing them. 711 00:50:18,056 --> 00:50:20,558 We're pretty sure they're not armed. 712 00:50:49,463 --> 00:50:53,090 They can handle this without us. We'll just get in the way, you know. 713 00:50:53,300 --> 00:50:54,383 Good thinking. 714 00:50:54,593 --> 00:50:56,010 [IMITATES GUNSHOT] 715 00:50:56,219 --> 00:50:59,221 ALL: Whoa, whoa, whoa! 716 00:51:00,849 --> 00:51:03,851 [SCREAMING] 717 00:51:08,190 --> 00:51:09,857 We got them, men! 718 00:51:10,067 --> 00:51:12,526 [LAUGHING] 719 00:51:18,033 --> 00:51:20,493 It's all right, men. Come on over. 720 00:51:23,872 --> 00:51:27,708 All right, you three will be riding in the back with Badula... 721 00:51:29,419 --> 00:51:31,212 and his late brother. 722 00:51:37,427 --> 00:51:39,470 You guys keep him subdued. 723 00:51:45,185 --> 00:51:46,435 Let's go. 724 00:51:57,030 --> 00:51:59,990 [BADULA CHANTING] 725 00:52:11,294 --> 00:52:13,838 Don't let his voodoo mumbo jumbo scare you. 726 00:52:23,431 --> 00:52:28,144 Fools. To think they can kill the brother of Badula. 727 00:52:28,353 --> 00:52:30,104 I never thought that. 728 00:52:31,398 --> 00:52:35,901 Whoo. That I could reach into the belly of a yak and rip out his heart. 729 00:52:36,486 --> 00:52:38,988 That would bring him back to life? 730 00:52:39,197 --> 00:52:41,448 No, man. I'm hungry. 731 00:52:46,580 --> 00:52:50,207 Listen, we're going for some burgers and fries. We'll be right back. 732 00:52:50,417 --> 00:52:51,959 [CHANTING CONTINUES] 733 00:53:04,181 --> 00:53:06,182 [LAUGHING MANIACALLY] 734 00:53:09,477 --> 00:53:11,187 [MOTOR STARTS] 735 00:53:27,829 --> 00:53:29,830 [SCREAMING] 736 00:53:30,373 --> 00:53:31,874 Out of my way! 737 00:53:39,925 --> 00:53:43,427 I guess they weren't as ready as they thought they were. 738 00:53:43,637 --> 00:53:46,138 - You can take the mask off now, Tack. - Heh. 739 00:53:48,350 --> 00:53:50,226 [ALL CHATTERING] 740 00:53:50,435 --> 00:53:52,436 [POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS] 741 00:53:57,400 --> 00:53:58,943 - Proctor. - Yes, sir? 742 00:53:59,152 --> 00:54:02,863 - Who are all these people? - Oh, they're here for the party, sir. 743 00:54:03,365 --> 00:54:04,698 What party? 744 00:54:05,367 --> 00:54:09,203 A few of the Citizens On Patrol members invited a few of their friends... 745 00:54:09,412 --> 00:54:12,998 and they invited a few of their friends. You know how it goes, sir. 746 00:54:13,208 --> 00:54:14,875 - A party? - Yes, sir. 747 00:54:15,460 --> 00:54:18,879 A party? Why wasn't I told? 748 00:54:21,383 --> 00:54:23,467 - Mahoney. - Hey, Callahan. 749 00:54:24,594 --> 00:54:26,011 Here you go. 750 00:54:27,222 --> 00:54:28,822 MAHONEY: Attention, ladies and gentlemen! 751 00:54:29,015 --> 00:54:31,934 Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention? 752 00:54:32,143 --> 00:54:34,353 I'd like to thank you all for coming! 753 00:54:34,813 --> 00:54:36,230 Let's party! 754 00:54:36,439 --> 00:54:38,274 [ALL CHEERING] 755 00:54:46,241 --> 00:54:48,158 - Move those patooties. - Excuse me. 756 00:54:48,368 --> 00:54:50,995 All police officers out of the pool! 757 00:54:51,162 --> 00:54:54,081 - Proctor! - Let's go! Out, everybody out! 758 00:54:54,291 --> 00:54:57,251 Sir, why don't you just let everyone enjoy themselves? 759 00:54:57,460 --> 00:55:00,838 Why don't you just kiss my rosy red ass, Mahoney? 760 00:55:02,882 --> 00:55:04,216 Rosy? 761 00:55:04,426 --> 00:55:06,719 HARRIS: Get out of that pool now! 762 00:55:09,389 --> 00:55:11,557 Just look at yourself. 763 00:55:13,143 --> 00:55:19,273 You are a disgrace to the uniform! Go get changed. Move it, move it, move it. 764 00:55:27,699 --> 00:55:31,744 - What are we looking for? - This. 765 00:55:35,123 --> 00:55:37,333 - Why, Capt. Harris. - Miss Mattson. 766 00:55:37,542 --> 00:55:38,959 - Hello, heh. - How are you? 767 00:55:39,169 --> 00:55:40,544 Have you seen Clarence? 768 00:55:40,754 --> 00:55:41,837 [DOG BARKS] 769 00:55:42,047 --> 00:55:44,298 HARRIS: Don't you let that fleabag near me. 770 00:55:44,507 --> 00:55:47,468 CLAIRE: Clarence is crazy about you, Captain. 771 00:55:47,635 --> 00:55:49,053 Let me just call him over. 772 00:55:49,262 --> 00:55:50,596 HARRIS: No. CLAIRE: For a second? 773 00:55:50,805 --> 00:55:53,474 HARRIS: No. - Okay. Bye. 774 00:55:59,814 --> 00:56:04,318 Wipe those grins off your faces, butt breaths! Dismissed! 775 00:56:09,491 --> 00:56:10,699 Hmm. 776 00:56:10,950 --> 00:56:12,826 [GRUNTS] 777 00:56:12,994 --> 00:56:15,662 WOMAN [OVER PA]: Dr. Berman, please pick up line two. 778 00:56:15,830 --> 00:56:17,247 Dr. Berman, line two, please. 779 00:56:17,874 --> 00:56:20,250 - You shouldn't be in here. - How is Capt. Harris? 780 00:56:20,460 --> 00:56:24,004 - We'll do all we can. - Please, be gentle. 781 00:56:27,717 --> 00:56:29,718 [GRUNTING] 782 00:56:40,021 --> 00:56:41,063 [GASPS THEN SHOUTS] 783 00:56:41,231 --> 00:56:43,982 Um, I heard what Harris said, and he's wrong. 784 00:56:44,692 --> 00:56:46,819 [WHIMPERING] It happens to me all the time. 785 00:56:46,986 --> 00:56:48,695 People just don't understand me. 786 00:56:50,365 --> 00:56:53,617 Maybe if you talked a little slower, a little softer... 787 00:56:53,827 --> 00:56:57,913 That's not what I meant. I meant people don't know who I really am. 788 00:56:58,790 --> 00:57:01,583 Now I got to worry about my diction too? 789 00:57:02,377 --> 00:57:05,045 - How's my sentence structure? - Perfect. 790 00:57:07,799 --> 00:57:10,717 In fact, I think you're just about perfect. 791 00:57:19,686 --> 00:57:21,478 [YELPS] 792 00:58:24,250 --> 00:58:26,460 I think I'm going to puke. 793 00:58:27,795 --> 00:58:30,506 [BOTH SIGH] 794 00:58:33,259 --> 00:58:35,802 Hi, sir. How are you feeling? 795 00:58:36,679 --> 00:58:39,264 [MUMBLllNG]: I have to wait for the damn glue to wear off. 796 00:58:41,392 --> 00:58:42,976 I didn't catch that. 797 00:58:43,186 --> 00:58:45,812 Was that, "the dim shoe to snare off"? 798 00:58:46,314 --> 00:58:51,193 I said I have to wait for the damn glue to wear off. 799 00:58:53,196 --> 00:58:55,197 [ALL CHATTERING] 800 00:58:57,325 --> 00:59:01,995 So I asked her, "Do you always work under podiums?" 801 00:59:02,747 --> 00:59:05,749 [ALL LAUGHING] 802 00:59:09,671 --> 00:59:11,046 Commandant? 803 00:59:11,923 --> 00:59:16,468 Why, Chief Hurst, this is a splendid, splendid surprise! 804 00:59:16,678 --> 00:59:20,305 You remember Nogata? He's part of our Japanese contingent. 805 00:59:20,515 --> 00:59:22,224 This is Chief Hurst. 806 00:59:22,642 --> 00:59:27,145 We have heard many, many wonderful things about you and your city. 807 00:59:27,313 --> 00:59:28,647 [CHUCKLES] 808 00:59:28,815 --> 00:59:31,191 I've been helping them with their English, heh. 809 00:59:31,401 --> 00:59:33,694 - Please, sit. Please. - Thank you. 810 00:59:35,446 --> 00:59:40,075 I hope you'll find the time to, uh, see our beautiful city firsthand. 811 00:59:40,868 --> 00:59:43,912 In fact, I've just flown here personally... 812 00:59:44,122 --> 00:59:46,331 to extend the mayor's invitation... 813 00:59:46,749 --> 00:59:48,208 to see my... 814 00:59:48,876 --> 00:59:53,630 To see Comdt. Lassard's community program in action. 815 00:59:54,048 --> 00:59:56,967 We are convinced that this program will serve... 816 00:59:57,176 --> 01:00:00,512 as a model for cities around the world. 817 01:00:02,515 --> 01:00:05,809 [ALL SPEAK IN FOREIGN LANGUAGES THEN CHEER] 818 01:00:05,977 --> 01:00:08,812 We would be honored to accept your invitation. 819 01:00:09,022 --> 01:00:11,398 - Wonderful. - Oh, please, come. 820 01:00:14,402 --> 01:00:17,029 - Auf Wiedersehen. OFFICER: Arrivederci. 821 01:00:19,824 --> 01:00:21,074 MAN: Bonsoir. 822 01:00:24,662 --> 01:00:27,998 I see you've been teaching them something other than English. 823 01:00:28,207 --> 01:00:29,666 Heh, I do what I can. 824 01:00:29,876 --> 01:00:33,295 - So my program is really, really working? - Hell, yes. 825 01:00:33,921 --> 01:00:38,842 Starting tomorrow, C.O.Ps will be working the streets. 826 01:00:55,401 --> 01:00:57,402 C.O.P. emergency. Feldman here. 827 01:00:57,570 --> 01:01:00,530 Meet me at the corner of Clark and Main Street at the warehouse. 828 01:01:00,740 --> 01:01:02,783 MAN [OVER WALKIE-TALKIE]: 10-4, Mrs. F. 829 01:01:13,670 --> 01:01:16,755 - $40, we're agreed? - Okay, $40. 830 01:01:17,590 --> 01:01:20,550 Snap off a few shots for evidence. 831 01:01:22,387 --> 01:01:23,929 Get closer. 832 01:01:27,058 --> 01:01:31,478 I saw this on Hill Street Blues. It's a fencing operation. 833 01:01:32,063 --> 01:01:34,940 You're gonna love these. We just unloaded a van full of them. 834 01:01:35,149 --> 01:01:36,608 Okay, bring in the rest of it. 835 01:01:36,818 --> 01:01:38,110 Next case. 836 01:01:41,989 --> 01:01:43,824 [SHUTTER CLICKS] 837 01:01:43,991 --> 01:01:47,536 Nice camera. Don't let that crook give you less than $80. 838 01:01:50,998 --> 01:01:52,582 [BLOWS WHISTLE] 839 01:01:52,750 --> 01:01:55,168 Freeze, you scuzzbuckets! 840 01:01:55,378 --> 01:01:58,338 This is a citizen's arrest. Get them, boys! 841 01:02:01,676 --> 01:02:03,427 [ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY] 842 01:02:12,437 --> 01:02:15,105 You're not moving till the cops get here. 843 01:02:15,273 --> 01:02:16,773 [SIREN WAILING] 844 01:02:16,941 --> 01:02:18,650 I am the cops, lady. 845 01:02:20,236 --> 01:02:24,322 Three months' work out the window, down the drain. 846 01:02:24,949 --> 01:02:27,617 Your Citizens On Patrol just screwed up... 847 01:02:27,827 --> 01:02:31,788 the single biggest undercover police sting operation... 848 01:02:31,998 --> 01:02:34,624 in the history of this city! 849 01:02:37,295 --> 01:02:38,628 Tell them the good news, sir. 850 01:02:38,796 --> 01:02:41,381 - Thank you, Proctor. - You're welcome, sir. 851 01:02:42,133 --> 01:02:47,012 As of now, the C.O.P. program is suspended... 852 01:02:47,346 --> 01:02:49,890 pending a full investigation. 853 01:02:55,104 --> 01:02:56,772 MAN: Ten-hut! 854 01:03:07,909 --> 01:03:11,745 Mahoney, I'm so, so proud of the job you've done. 855 01:03:12,079 --> 01:03:13,497 HURST: Nice work, men. 856 01:03:13,706 --> 01:03:16,625 The eyes of the world are on this program. 857 01:03:16,834 --> 01:03:20,045 Excuse me, sir. I think we should talk. 858 01:03:23,299 --> 01:03:26,384 This precinct must deal with every type of criminal... 859 01:03:26,594 --> 01:03:30,096 from pickpockets to armed robbers, felons of all kinds- 860 01:03:30,306 --> 01:03:34,351 Capt. Harris. Excuse me. Um, don't forget the gang of ninjas. 861 01:03:34,519 --> 01:03:36,520 [GIBBERS] 862 01:03:37,814 --> 01:03:40,065 They're my personal favorites. 863 01:03:41,484 --> 01:03:43,944 Why don't you go pay them a visit? 864 01:03:47,532 --> 01:03:51,618 This precinct is run on discipline and organization. 865 01:03:51,828 --> 01:03:54,955 MAN: Simon says, "Pull your left ear." 866 01:03:56,457 --> 01:04:00,585 Simon says, "Hop on your left foot." Come on, guys. 867 01:04:02,964 --> 01:04:06,258 Simon says, "Hop on your right foot." 868 01:04:07,134 --> 01:04:09,427 It's a little too noisy in here, gentlemen. 869 01:04:09,595 --> 01:04:11,721 We have important police officials visiting... 870 01:04:11,931 --> 01:04:14,391 and I think you'd better show the proper respect. 871 01:04:14,559 --> 01:04:16,518 Ah, come on, Lieutenant. We're almost finished. 872 01:04:16,727 --> 01:04:19,729 Come on, lieutenant, join us in a friendly game of Simon Says. 873 01:04:19,939 --> 01:04:24,568 There's nothing to it. Now, Simon says, "Touch your toes." 874 01:04:24,986 --> 01:04:29,030 Come on, lieutenant. Simon says, "Clap your hands." 875 01:04:30,741 --> 01:04:32,701 Come on, get in the spirit. 876 01:04:34,620 --> 01:04:37,289 Simon says, "Two steps right." 877 01:04:40,167 --> 01:04:42,377 Simon says, "Five steps back." 878 01:04:46,132 --> 01:04:47,757 Put your hands up! 879 01:04:47,925 --> 01:04:50,260 Ha, ha, Simon didn't say. 880 01:04:50,469 --> 01:04:52,637 No, but Smith & Wesson does. 881 01:04:53,848 --> 01:04:57,225 The high-security cell area is used to hold criminals... 882 01:04:57,435 --> 01:05:01,354 awaiting trial or transfer to state or county facilities. 883 01:05:01,856 --> 01:05:04,107 Any convictions involving felons... 884 01:05:04,275 --> 01:05:09,237 uh, perverts, thieves, people of that nature, are held in this area. 885 01:05:09,530 --> 01:05:14,200 - You will notice the steel construction. - What the hell is he doing in there? 886 01:05:17,955 --> 01:05:20,206 I think that explains it, sir. 887 01:05:25,880 --> 01:05:27,547 MAN: Come on, hurry up! 888 01:05:29,008 --> 01:05:31,009 [ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] 889 01:05:43,314 --> 01:05:44,397 [ENGINE REVS] 890 01:05:47,360 --> 01:05:49,027 [SINGING] It's getting to the point now 891 01:05:49,195 --> 01:05:50,570 When I'm with you 892 01:05:50,738 --> 01:05:53,865 I no longer want to have Something stuck in my eye 893 01:05:54,075 --> 01:05:58,036 Your mother, my mother Ain't never looked like Florence Henderson 894 01:05:59,747 --> 01:06:01,998 [PLAYS CHORDS] 895 01:06:02,625 --> 01:06:04,626 Heh, I wrote that for you. 896 01:06:04,835 --> 01:06:06,503 [DUCK QUACKING] 897 01:06:06,671 --> 01:06:08,254 Oh, Zed. 898 01:06:08,965 --> 01:06:11,508 I hope now that C.O.P. is over... 899 01:06:11,717 --> 01:06:14,511 it won't mean that we won't be seeing each other anymore. 900 01:06:14,720 --> 01:06:15,720 - Shut up! - Aah! 901 01:06:15,888 --> 01:06:18,264 Not you. I meant the ducks. 902 01:06:18,557 --> 01:06:20,350 Attention. This is Mrs. F. 903 01:06:20,559 --> 01:06:24,562 - There's been a jailbreak. - Zed, 10-4! Ha, ha! 904 01:06:24,772 --> 01:06:27,482 Tack, you pick me up at Main and Maple. 905 01:06:27,900 --> 01:06:29,943 Move it! Over and out. 906 01:06:31,028 --> 01:06:32,404 Commandant! 907 01:06:33,739 --> 01:06:36,408 Commandant! Commandant! 908 01:06:36,826 --> 01:06:38,243 [TIRES SCREECH] 909 01:06:38,411 --> 01:06:41,121 - There's been a jailbreak, sir. - Get in. 910 01:06:50,631 --> 01:06:54,968 - It is so wonderful to see you again, baby. - It's wonderful to be seen. 911 01:06:55,302 --> 01:06:59,973 - Just like old times. - In America, talk is cheap. 912 01:07:00,641 --> 01:07:02,100 [YELLS] 913 01:07:04,395 --> 01:07:07,647 - There's been a jailbreak! - Oh. 914 01:07:11,986 --> 01:07:15,780 Look, there's a stolen police car. That's got to be it. 915 01:07:16,157 --> 01:07:18,742 I think we got a robbery in progress. 916 01:07:27,877 --> 01:07:29,085 [GUN COCKS] 917 01:07:30,796 --> 01:07:32,756 Stay here, Mrs. Feldman. 918 01:07:40,806 --> 01:07:42,348 Freeze! 919 01:07:42,933 --> 01:07:44,768 Good idea. 920 01:07:50,941 --> 01:07:54,360 MAN: All right, I want everybody to get back in that vault. 921 01:07:55,571 --> 01:07:57,614 Yahoo! 922 01:08:01,535 --> 01:08:04,370 Book them, Tack, heh. 923 01:08:10,503 --> 01:08:12,212 - There's a ninja now. NOGATA: I see him. 924 01:08:12,379 --> 01:08:14,881 CALLAHAN: Come on, let's get him. Let's go. 925 01:08:33,192 --> 01:08:34,734 CALLAHAN: Do you see him? 926 01:08:37,238 --> 01:08:39,322 [YELLING] 927 01:08:39,865 --> 01:08:41,241 [GRUNTS] 928 01:08:41,784 --> 01:08:42,909 NINJA: Oh, shit. 929 01:08:47,873 --> 01:08:51,417 All right. If it's a fight you want, a fight you'll get. 930 01:08:55,923 --> 01:08:57,924 [GRUNTING] 931 01:09:19,989 --> 01:09:22,532 Damn you. You're gonna pay for that. 932 01:09:37,715 --> 01:09:39,841 Ha! Uh-oh. 933 01:09:55,816 --> 01:09:56,858 ALL: Yo! 934 01:09:59,361 --> 01:10:00,403 [GRUNTS] 935 01:10:03,032 --> 01:10:06,159 [SINGING "NOBODY KNOWS THE TROUBLE I'VE SEEN"] 936 01:10:07,703 --> 01:10:10,622 Nobody knows my sorrow 937 01:10:12,291 --> 01:10:13,666 Shut up! 938 01:10:14,168 --> 01:10:16,669 Will you two morons knock it off! 939 01:10:16,879 --> 01:10:19,672 We've got an international incident going on here! 940 01:10:20,883 --> 01:10:22,675 [IMITATES TRUMPET] 941 01:10:23,177 --> 01:10:25,637 - I knew you'd come. - Ja, danke. 942 01:10:25,846 --> 01:10:29,182 - You may thank Mrs. Feldman. - Who is Mrs. Feldman? 943 01:10:29,391 --> 01:10:32,769 You know Mrs. Feldman, a member of the defunct C.O.P. team. 944 01:10:33,604 --> 01:10:35,605 [ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] 945 01:10:39,818 --> 01:10:42,362 This is Sgt. Mahoney in pursuit of a stolen police car. 946 01:10:42,529 --> 01:10:44,697 I'm headed towards the Williams County air show. 947 01:10:44,907 --> 01:10:49,077 Repeat, I'm pursing four escapees toward the Williams County air show. 948 01:10:49,578 --> 01:10:52,121 MAN [OVER PA]: Now, folks, making his second appearance... 949 01:10:52,289 --> 01:10:55,333 at the Williams County air show... 950 01:10:57,419 --> 01:10:58,962 MAN: Hey, hey, hey! 951 01:11:00,172 --> 01:11:01,172 Whoa! 952 01:11:05,386 --> 01:11:07,804 MAN 2: Look out for that car! MAN 3: What car? 953 01:11:08,973 --> 01:11:11,391 That car! Come on, get out! 954 01:11:13,227 --> 01:11:14,560 Come on! 955 01:11:15,896 --> 01:11:17,647 Let's get out of here! 956 01:11:19,650 --> 01:11:20,942 Hurry up! 957 01:11:24,154 --> 01:11:25,238 [SIREN WAILING] 958 01:11:25,406 --> 01:11:26,823 [SCREAMS] 959 01:12:04,069 --> 01:12:05,278 [MAN SCREAMS] 960 01:12:10,492 --> 01:12:13,995 This is where I draw the line. I'm not going up in one of those things. 961 01:12:14,204 --> 01:12:17,206 - No way. No, sirree. - You don't have to. 962 01:12:38,479 --> 01:12:40,188 MATTSON: Hey! 963 01:12:40,814 --> 01:12:42,857 You can open your eyes now. 964 01:12:43,359 --> 01:12:45,985 How can you like this better than my driving? 965 01:12:46,195 --> 01:12:49,489 Because you can't do this in a car. 966 01:12:57,498 --> 01:12:59,165 [MAHONEY YELLING] 967 01:13:07,966 --> 01:13:09,550 HARRIS: Grab that balloon! 968 01:13:10,469 --> 01:13:12,762 We commandeer this balloon in the name of the law! 969 01:13:12,971 --> 01:13:16,682 - No, wait, you can't! - You can't do that. We need it for the race. 970 01:13:27,569 --> 01:13:32,198 Mrs. Feldman, stay with the car. Zed, Sweetchuck, follow me. 971 01:13:34,701 --> 01:13:37,912 SWEETCHUCK: Guys, wait up! Tackleberry. 972 01:13:38,831 --> 01:13:40,498 - What do I pull? - Take it up! 973 01:13:40,707 --> 01:13:44,127 - They're getting away! Let's go! - We are going up, sir. 974 01:13:50,843 --> 01:13:54,220 Come on! Drop the parachute! 975 01:13:55,139 --> 01:13:56,722 Stop screwing around! 976 01:13:57,599 --> 01:14:00,685 - Come on! Drop the parachute! - Come on! 977 01:14:00,894 --> 01:14:03,521 If he doesn't want to do it, don't push him. 978 01:14:03,730 --> 01:14:06,023 He's gotta, like, wanna help himself. 979 01:14:13,240 --> 01:14:15,575 HARRIS: You land that balloon right now! 980 01:14:15,868 --> 01:14:19,162 This is Capt. Harris! You are under arrest! 981 01:14:19,371 --> 01:14:22,123 Land that balloon now! 982 01:14:24,585 --> 01:14:28,254 - I'll just blast them out of the sky, sir. - No! Not yet. 983 01:14:28,797 --> 01:14:32,258 You're right. I should give them a warning shot first. 984 01:14:37,556 --> 01:14:40,600 HARRIS: Imbecile! Are you happy now? 985 01:14:41,185 --> 01:14:43,686 PROCTOR: At least it looks like we're coming down in the river. 986 01:14:43,896 --> 01:14:47,398 HARRIS: It won't matter because you're going to be dead! 987 01:14:47,608 --> 01:14:48,774 PROCTOR: Pretty view- 988 01:14:48,942 --> 01:14:50,818 [BOTH GRUNTING] 989 01:14:51,445 --> 01:14:53,112 [BOTH YELLING] 990 01:14:53,530 --> 01:14:55,990 PROCTOR: I hate water! 991 01:15:00,204 --> 01:15:01,829 PROCTOR: Help! 992 01:15:03,290 --> 01:15:04,665 Help! 993 01:15:05,792 --> 01:15:09,295 - They're in the river. HOUSE: Hurry. Maybe we can catch them. 994 01:15:13,050 --> 01:15:15,635 MATTSON: I'll pull alongside Tackleberry. 995 01:15:20,766 --> 01:15:23,267 Look, I see my house! 996 01:15:23,852 --> 01:15:25,520 Look, the crooks! 997 01:15:26,897 --> 01:15:29,774 - Whoa! - Let's go get them, okay? 998 01:15:43,205 --> 01:15:44,664 PROCTOR: Hang on, sir! 999 01:15:44,831 --> 01:15:46,832 [SCREAMING] 1000 01:15:49,044 --> 01:15:52,213 ARNIE: Hurry, before they go over the falls! There they go! 1001 01:15:55,509 --> 01:15:56,884 Get a rope! 1002 01:15:58,011 --> 01:15:59,887 PROCTOR: Hang on. Hang on, sir! 1003 01:16:02,516 --> 01:16:04,850 Hang on, we'll come and get you! 1004 01:16:12,276 --> 01:16:13,526 PROCTOR: Grab it! 1005 01:16:27,958 --> 01:16:29,834 [ALL YELLING] 1006 01:16:34,756 --> 01:16:36,215 Try to relax! 1007 01:16:41,263 --> 01:16:42,888 [WIMPERING] 1008 01:16:48,854 --> 01:16:51,939 There's the balloon! Now I've got them. 1009 01:17:03,410 --> 01:17:07,830 There's only one way to do this and it's up to me! 1010 01:17:09,124 --> 01:17:12,960 - Take over! - He was talking to you! 1011 01:17:13,712 --> 01:17:16,464 If you're coming back, bring some beer! 1012 01:17:22,971 --> 01:17:24,722 Oomph! 1013 01:17:24,973 --> 01:17:28,559 - No. He was talking to you. - No, I heard him. 1014 01:17:28,769 --> 01:17:33,189 - He said, "Sweetchuck, take over." - No, he did not. 1015 01:17:33,398 --> 01:17:35,066 [BOTH SCREAM] 1016 01:17:36,443 --> 01:17:39,654 SWEETCHUCK: Get off of my foot! ZED: Shut up! Why are you always whining? 1017 01:17:39,863 --> 01:17:41,697 SWEETCHUCK: Leave me alone! 1018 01:18:12,145 --> 01:18:15,856 Gentlemen, may I see your license and registration, please? 1019 01:18:16,817 --> 01:18:21,696 There they are. Take it down. I want to get close. Get closer. 1020 01:18:26,076 --> 01:18:29,203 Mahoney, what are you doing? 1021 01:18:29,663 --> 01:18:31,163 Get in closer! 1022 01:18:44,261 --> 01:18:46,554 What do you think you're doing? 1023 01:18:51,226 --> 01:18:53,436 I'll take care of you, copper! 1024 01:18:54,521 --> 01:18:57,189 Get off my wing! Get off of there! 1025 01:18:57,399 --> 01:18:59,483 MAHONEY: What will you do about them? 1026 01:19:01,236 --> 01:19:03,028 [SCREAMS] 1027 01:19:06,700 --> 01:19:09,952 Pal, it's over. Let's go home. 1028 01:19:12,873 --> 01:19:16,292 - I hate you. - I'm not really thrilled about you! 1029 01:19:16,960 --> 01:19:20,963 - Why don't you lose some weight? ZED: Why don't you get out and walk? 1030 01:19:24,009 --> 01:19:27,052 ZED: I'm going to be sick! SWEETCHUCK: I don't have a parachute! 1031 01:19:27,262 --> 01:19:31,265 ZED: Shut up! I'm going to be sick! SWEETCHUCK: Don't be sick on me! 1032 01:19:31,892 --> 01:19:33,893 [ZED SCREAMING] 1033 01:19:41,943 --> 01:19:44,862 SWEETCHUCK: I don't have a chute! ZED: Break your fall! 1034 01:19:45,071 --> 01:19:48,282 ZED: Hit the kids! SWEETCHUCK: No, I need a chute! 1035 01:19:48,575 --> 01:19:50,367 ZED: Get your own! Get away from me! 1036 01:19:50,577 --> 01:19:52,161 SWEETCHUCK: Come on! 1037 01:19:53,205 --> 01:19:54,371 ZED: Let go! 1038 01:19:55,040 --> 01:19:57,416 I'll break you in half, you dweeb. 1039 01:19:57,626 --> 01:20:01,045 There, I opened the chute. Are you satisfied? Leave me alone! 1040 01:20:07,135 --> 01:20:10,554 SWEETCHUCK: I'm going to kill you! ZED: Shut up and enjoy the flight! 1041 01:20:15,769 --> 01:20:18,270 [BOTH GRUNTING AND MOANING] 1042 01:20:20,941 --> 01:20:22,107 SWEETCHUCK: Get off me! 1043 01:20:22,275 --> 01:20:24,276 [BOTH GRUNTING] 1044 01:20:28,824 --> 01:20:32,076 Commandant, they say your Citizens On Patrol group... 1045 01:20:32,285 --> 01:20:36,372 does many, many wonderful and crazy things. 1046 01:20:36,581 --> 01:20:38,958 [ALL CHUCKLING AND APPLAUDING] 1047 01:20:45,048 --> 01:20:48,843 I think Sgt. Mahoney deserves a special bow. 1048 01:20:49,261 --> 01:20:51,011 - Mahoney? WOMAN: All right! 1049 01:20:51,888 --> 01:20:53,848 LASSARD: Mahoney? 1050 01:20:54,432 --> 01:20:56,016 Mahoney! 1051 01:21:02,232 --> 01:21:03,357 Mahoney. 1052 01:21:03,817 --> 01:21:05,401 Get up! Look, it's Mahoney! 1053 01:21:05,610 --> 01:21:07,403 - Where? - Sorry. 1054 01:21:12,325 --> 01:21:14,660 - To the Academy. - To the Academy. 1055 01:21:21,585 --> 01:21:24,628 You know, you look a little like Tom Cruise in Top Gun. 1056 01:21:24,838 --> 01:21:26,589 - Yeah? - No!