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1906 Diary  7=4 Workings

**NOTES**

Practically the whole of 7=4 working


1906


Tery?-Yunan Fu


Kammia


at Bhanno? & to Teu????, the horse-accident


February 9th.


About this full moon Consciousness began to break through Ruach 
into Neschamah.


11th.


Made many resolutions of a G.R. In dream flew to me an Angel, 
bearing an Ankh, to encourage me.


12th.


Continuing these Resolutions.

z
13th.


Continuing these resolutions. Read through Goetia etc. etc.

;xi

**NOTE Invocation in Goetie?


Qy? Are all these troubles in China due to A;. devils? I as A for 
``a sufficient measure of protection.'' Like an instant's reply 
come Wilkinson's letter settling up things.


26th.


A;. ltsleepy (Baby ill)


;xi

March. 1st.


A;. penitent and fair.


A;. good; but should do new ;st ritual before and after, to make a 

A;. better. Magnificent Fata Morgana; Shipping etc upside down in 
air above itself. Qy? a sign for me? A night of shocking and 
terrible nightmare.

26th.


A;. Still good: Very little doubt about the likeness of the A;. to 
El Istar.


30th.


A;. Good: very good. Be very careful, though Nature speak well and 
wisely, not to let it dominate A;. This day was rendered blessed 
by the letter of El. Istar to me, saying all, and saying it in the 
best way.


4th.


I foolishly and wickedly put off A;. work all day: now it is 1 
A.M. of the 5th.


By foolish I mean contrary to my interest and hope in A;.


By wicked I mean contrary to my will.


I further allowed myself to talk and play cards: the latter I must 
do again to-morrow, for I won; as to the former, I pledge myself 
to speak only the necessary speech of courtesy.;q.

A;. goodish: lengthy and reverie-like. Yet my heart is well. I 
spake it audibly.


5th.


Am a bit slack about pledge; tried to retain.....in talk.


A;. Vocalized, goodish.


Knocked sideways by malaria; a sharp attack of shivering.


6th.


At Shanghai. Calling on A, and waiting, did A;.I;.; very ethereal.


Met A. and all went well.


7th.


Explaining the Position to A.


Bowled clean over by fever; spent P.M. in bed drunk with Dover's 
powder. Quite sufficiently ill to excuse slackness: e.g. I could 
not even read a light novel.


8th.


Feeble in A.M. Tiffin and tea with W.S. Dinner with German 
Postmaster and poker. Oh Lord, how long? A;. nevertheless pretty 
good for concentration and sincerity; not notable for result.


I think I had better begin to renounce idle things, save where 
politeness calls and calls loud. If I take life too easy, the G.R. 
will be harder: on the other hand an asceticism to no instant 
purpose may exhaust me for the struggle when it comes. One of 
those rare cases where a golden mean looks well.


9th.


Went over to A. to stay. Talked a bit of past results and their 
conclusion in A;.


A;. at night good; considerable strain in ether.


10th.


A;. no good. (At night, rather tired)


11th.


Trying to arrange passage, business etc. W. promised me change for 
a cheque or bill; in evening went back on it. We shall see.


Archibald Little dined: a nice old man, with sensible views. A;. 
very bad indeed; worried by business.


A. has secrets from me; not good enough for working together.


12th.


A. somewhat more sensible;


A;. better, but sleepy. Not by any means good;r, but more 
impersonal. Finished Blossom and Fruit: edified.


Note;r: Wrote R. to effect that I leant no more on anyone. But 
this would not excuse any lowering of A. relations, though it 
would justify their abandonment.


13th.


Did a Tarot for A. Kicking her shoes away, quite gently, they flew 
incontinently though the air -- a really good miracle.


The Op;. of Abramelin being due to commence on Easter Sunday, 
methinks it would be well to make a certain profound conjuration 
of A;. on that day with a view to acquiring a proper knowledge of 
the G. R. The A;. should be definitely invoked for this purpose 
with all possible ceremony. Is it not written `Unto whosoever 
shall draw nigh unto Me will I draw nigh'? And, as I have proved, 
the help of A;. is already given as if the O;. were successfully 
brought to an end. Only can this right be forfeited by slackness 
toward the O;. From this then, O Holy Exalted One, preserve me!

16th.


A. even kinder.

                        `
A;. ??? above average; but little convincing. It should be 
observed that on all these days are many thoughts of A;. Yet the 
record is only of the Ex Voto Invocation.


17th.


Aleister and El Ain Kiss.


??? l

``Ere Sol in Aries make bright spring weather


Eight Star and Six Star shall have kissed together.''


;xi

And spring also is a month late.


Got Yi King from Club and analysed it.


Attribution of the 6 lines still puzzles me.


A;. about the same; but dropped off to sleep at end.


18th.


Studying Liber Legis: decide to ask A. to invoke Aiwass, or 
converse with him when invoked, and thereby to decide on the 
quality of that magic.


A. very careful to avoid the `physical' or to refer to the 
Compact. This I honestly think a mistake, though doubtless one on 
the right side.


A;. much better. Will go to sleep in vision. The result curious, 
and though I cannot at all remember, I know it was thinking of A;. 
in some way.


***NOTE***


Dec.31. Yes: but it is the puritan A.C. who is wrong in not 
frankly wooing Elaine, A.B. a man and saying It is right, because 
I will it.


19th.


Did a Tarot for Mr Volker re a theft.


***NOTE***


Used my own cards. And why? So as to affirm unselfishness in my 
A;. aspirations.


A. unwell: therefore Aiwass postponed.


A;. fair. After results again`vaguely magnificient -- memory seems 
quite in vain.


***NOTE***


Turned out to be not a theft, but a mislaying. Result showed 
Querent with no loss of repute, and the goods recovered; yet 
nobody else was in trouble. Considering that the question was ill 
stated, this is a very fine reading. But I must not feel 
gratified, save for the relief to Volker's mind.


20th.???


A;.I;. with A. in her temple. Aiwass invoked appears, of brilliant 
blue as when she saw him as guardian of my sleep. He has followed 
me ever, wishing me to follow his cult. When A. took wand, he 
grows brilliant and breaks up into a formless light: yet she feels 
him as an enemy. He seems entangled in a mesh of light and to be 
trying to escape. I warn him that if he goes away he cannot 
return. (A. in herself is hostile) ``Return to Egypt, with 
different surroundings (This misheard: he said same;r) There I 
will give thee signs. Go with the S.W.;r this is essential: thus 
you shall get real power, that of God, the only one worth having. 
Illumination shall come by means of power, pari passu. Live in 
Egypt as you did before. Do not do a G.R. Go at once to Egypt: 
money troubles will be settled more easily than you think now. I 
will give you no guarantee of my truth.'' He here turned blue-
black. ``I am loath to part from you. Do not take A. I do not like 
the relations between you; break them off! If not, you must follow 
other Gods. Yet I would wish you to love physically, to make 
perfect the circle of your union. A. will not do so, therefore she 
is useless. If she did, she would become useful. You have erred in 
showing her the true relation between you on spiritual planes. 
Having burst that, she will remain by her sense of power over you 
(?) She is spiritually stronger that you. You should have 
dominated her by your superior strength on other planes. She will 
give you much trouble though eventually she may become a great 
aid. But your shorter path lies by Egypt and S.W. though she is 
not spiritually your equal. S.W. has become your enemy; but you 
having con|quered, she is bound to aid you as you will. She has 
been your enemy and that of A. but you returned her hatred, hence 
her seeming power over you in the  present. (Qy. this hearing) I 
will give you a sign when alone and away from present medium. You 
must recognize the sign by your own intuition. Do not part from 
S.W. Use her. (Here S.W. appears with an evil look. She glitters 
like a jewelled serpent. Strange bands of light scintillate 
between her and Aiwass. A. now takes wand again: still feels 
animity on spiritual planes. Aiwass banished; S.W. has 
disappeared. A. tries to speak to A;.: He wants G.R.: ***NOTE***


does not mind whether S.W. is with me or not; but I should use 
Brahmacharya (? if with her, or anyhow) I shall be guided as 
things turn up, as to the truth or falsehood of Aiwass, who is not 
to be altogeter distrusted (I think the opposition is Aiwass 
limitation as a servant) A;. will give us a sign: A's freedom. (I 
reply that if this comes about in a miraculous manner, well and 
good) Close.


21st.


;su entered ;ta Opened T: with A;.I;. asking for special aid in -- 
what follows. Possibly [...] spoilt it all. A. finds the Nuit ring 
good: hence probably her hostility yesterday was due to lower 
self.


I;. of R.H.K. gives glorious material flashes of light, akasic and 
lilac. The God, beheld, will not speak. Asked for a messenger, 
Aiwass appears. A. suspecting him, puts a ;hbrg;r on him; he blurs 
and becomes dirty and discrowned. A. takes wand; but this 
dissipates him. His real name she says is ;hbrynarach;r (270=INRI) 
A. uses ***ART*** and shrivels him to a black charred mass. I ask 
her to invoke something genuine; a white figure without a face and 
with little shape mounts throne. It has a glittering rayed corona. 
Says: ``I am the God of Vengeance. I am thy Guardian Angel. I 
would have thee seek thine own soul in silence and alone. Take no 
aid with thee: take no mortal soul but retire away and depart from 
mankind.'' ;hbrg;r makes him brighter: he grows firmer. Repeated, 
form vanishes and only brightness remains. Asked for a sign or his 
name ;hbrta;r is written on throne. ``I will give no other signs: 
you must learn to trust your own intuition.''


A's intuition tells her that he is genuine. As to our relations, 
he wishes us to work together (A contradiction very supra) ``I do 
not wish you to go too far in work with S.W. She will dazzle you 
and be apt to lead you astray. You must always remain as armed 
when you work with her, as a man in full armour. I could wish you 
to strengthen the link between you and A. on all planes. You are 
very needful to each other, and can only accomplish G.W. together. 
(This clearly OO'' I take wand and curse him by Him whom he hath 
blasphemed, invoking, however, A;. The light becomes more 
brilliant. To V.N. it disappears here. Voice continues: ``You must 
go and do a G.R. after which you shall get a sign'' (Clearly due 
to A. knowing my wish; but he is clumsy. Will anything now 
convince A? I take serious measures to banish all but A;. Voice 
silenced: and she doubts if voice is from brilliance. A. feels me 
absolutely necessary for her. I not. Voice is from her;r so cannot 
be banished and it goes on:) ``There shall be short period of 
work? not;r? done in actual unison; after which your powers join 
irrevocably together. There is no escape from that; you are bound 
to work together; and the fitting time and hour for this shall 
come simultaneously to you both. There will then be no doubt in 
either of your minds: there will be no obstacle to this 
union....you must look towards this time and towards a beacon 
light. Never lose sight of that, You and O.M. will meet with 
subtle temptation from this object -- promises of great power and 
illumination; but heed them not. A. is your true helper from whom 
you have right to look and demand help. You must never cease to 
demand this aid, and by your demand strengthen and aid your 
comrade. I your Guardian Angel tell you this.''


(The falsity of all this patent more at the time than now -- I 
foresaw what follows)


I ask for proof that he is;r Guardian Angel -- it is clear that 
Voice and Brilliance are distinct. A. however feels that this 
rigmarole is true. Hence we discuss our relations and the Great 
Invocation degenerates. This however is checked by my will and her 
own feeling that we have done enough for honour. I am not 
exhausted after all this, as I was yesterday. Is this a proof that 
all is Right Magic, or that little force was expended? Where am I, 
in fact? O Holy Exalted One, do Thou illuminate my mind!


22nd.


Feeling sick -- in bed all day.


No regular A;.I;. in consequence, but much concentrated thought. 
It seems to me that all the Shanghai experience bar Easter Day 
should be veglected as a morbid dream; merely because I am not 
alone.X It seems natural and easy that this should be. I think 
also I should write to A. explaining how the whole experience has 
been an ordeal, that she has come through it successfully both        
in the advance to ;ve and the suspense of that advance; but that 
the principle of clinging to me, unconsciously there has ruined 
her clairvoyance, and rotted up her magic. Having won me, let her 
now lose me! As for me I will go on as if I had never landed.


X Dec.31. same old double game: fear its spring.


23rd.


Arrived Nagasaki about 5 p.m.


Wrote remarks opposite: they seem quite obviously right, as if 
thereby all lucidity and [...] were attained, all doubt swept 
away.


Wrote to A. to effect above, now, however, insisting on my own 
independence of her.


A;. fair to good. Asked A;. for sufficient health on voyage to do 
A;.I;. properly (Granted) Went off to sleep after this.


24th.


Arrived Kobe at 5 p.m. -- 24 hours sail.


Wrote to S.W. with some reserve, of course utterly concealing both 
A;. and A.


***NOTE important***


Qy? Could I use Aiwass to help me with A;.I;.? I should think yes: 
I ought to use every power I have.


A;. fair only; though I invoked all these powers of mine. Yet, 
after, by a strong effort of will, I banished my sore throat and 
my surroundings and went up in Astral Body. Reached a room, in 
which a table was spread *** thus, a naked man being nailed there 
to. Many venerable men sat around, feasting on his living flesh 
and quaffing his hot blood. There (I was told) were the adepts 
whom I might one day join. This I understood to mean that I should 
get the power of taking only spiritual nourishment -- but probably 
it means much more than this. Next I came into an apparently empty 
hall, all being in white ivory, worked in filigree, as the Chinese 
do.


***NOTE variations***


   A square slim altar was in the midst. I seemed to be questioned 
as to what I would sacrifice on that altar. I offered all save my 
will to know A;. that I would only exchange for its own 
realization. I now became conscious of vast God-forms of Egypt 
sitting, so vast I could only see their knees. ``Would not 
knowledge of the Gods suffice.'' No! said I. It was then pointed 
out that I was being critical i.e. rationalistic and made to see 
that A;. was not fashioned in my image. Necessarily, that is. I 
apologized, and knelt at altar, placing my hands on it, right over 
left. Then One human, white, self-shining (my idea after all) came 
forth and put his hands over mine, saying `I receive thee into the 
Order of the Silver Star' Then, with advice to return, I sank back 
to earth in a cradle of flame.


25th.


N.B. Yesterday's vision a real illumination, since it showed me an 
obvious mistake which yet I had utterly failed to see. The word in 
my Kamma-work was A;. and the method `invoking often;r! Therefore 
a Self-glittering One, whether my conscience approves or not,, 
whether my desires fit or not, is to be my guide. I am to invoke 
often, not to criticize. Am I to lose my grade of 7;de = 4;de ? I 
cannot go wrong, for I am the Chosen One: that is the very 
postulate of the whole Work. This boat carries Caesar and his 
fortunes.


Left Kobe at noon.


A;. fair to good; but attention wandered after I;.


Suggestion of fasts to aid.


26th.


Arrived Yokohama 11 A.M. 23 hours? sail.


A;. fair. am convinced I did not go to sleep; yet the ed is 
completely veiled from memory (now 3 A.M. 27th)


27th.


Left Yokohama 12 noon.


A;. fearing motion would disturb me rather poor: yet a certain 
clarity of vision of a White One like on 25th.


Feeling seedy at night


28th.


A;. poor; my bodily health imperfect still, yet great clarity of 
vision in the matter of the Pentagrams.


29th.


A;. The same thing happens every time. The mechanical part of the 
I;. is kept too easily; but I fall instantly into a dull reverie 
or even slumber. This has nothing pleasant or alluring; is 
curiously impersonal and bewildering.


30th.


A;. exactly the same as yesterday. Will repeat.


It has struck me -- in connection with reading Blake, that Aiwass 
etc. = Force and Fire; the very thing I do lack and that my 
`conscience' is really an obstacle and a delusion, being a 
survival of heredity or education. certainly to rely on it as on 
an abiding principle in oneself is wrong. 


Further considerations in favour of Aiwass: ;grkapw;r seemed to 
indicate him.


Any  suspicious remarks of his perhaps due to A. conneting him 
with S.W.


I think his repeated `Go to Egypt! The one really important thig 
is the fundamental hypothesis -- I am the Chosen One. All methods 
will do, if I only `invoke often;r' i.e. stick to it.


Ritual given by Aiwass -- see `Work' book; also determined -- 
house in Egypt, dates etc.


A;.I;. repeated. Very good and lucid. A;. approves of house in 
Egypt, ritual, &c.&. No tendency to sleep or reverie; or hardly 
any, not more than a momentary wandering of thought.


May 1st.


A;. fair. No tendency to sleep.


The O;. is a great test of faith and will; not at all of wit. Just 
what I have always lacked.


Note. This A;. at night, under bad conditions. I may believe that 
yesterday's resolution (in doubling I;. because of sleep in the 
A.M.) has broken the force of Tamas, if only for the moment.


Yesterday's ;st attribution clearly right ;we is the divine force 
drawing nigh to man: ;fe the human flame aspiring.


Nuit and Hadit are = and opposite: the Two kinds of nothing. 0;de 
vide Berashith. Hence Ra-Hoor-Khuit the resulting Universe.


2nd.


Working at comment on Liber Legis with (as usual) lamentably 
little result. I thik that I could do it in Egypt. I worked hard;r 
and nearly all day: only result a little light on


A;. good considering I was excessively tired. ;me The day to which 
I sacrifice the other days. A;. good -- vision like the milky way 
in texture. A fine epithet for A;. would be ``O thou whose body is 
the mother-milk of the Starry One! (viz Nuit)'' I think I should 
reserve to myself the option of doing a Dead ??? as originally 
arranged. R's attitude, condition etc. should be allowed weight. 
Saw this month's moon for the first time.

4th.


A;. very energetic on my part, intensely so, better perhaps 
thanever before. However (or perhaps because) there was little 
vision. Indeed, this work of A;. requires the Adept to assume the 
woman's part: to log for her bridegroom, it may be, and to be ever 
ready to receive his kiss; but not to pursue openly and to use as 
it were force.


Yet the K;. of H;. suffereth violence; may it not be, though, that 
such violence should be used in order to attain that passive 
state? And of course, to shut out all rivals? Help me, thou Holy 
One, even in this; for all my strength is weak as water, and I am 
but a dog. Help me, O Self-Glittering One! draw nigh to me in 
sleep and in waking, and let me ever be as a wise virgin, and 
expect thy coming with a lamp of oil of holiness and beauty! Hail, 
beautiful and Strong One! I desire thy kisses more than life or 
death.


5th.


A;. medium; but apparently I went off to sleep before writing it 
up.


Note. A seance was going on about this time. I sincerely hope this 
had nothing to do with the sleep.


6th.


A;. tired and excited, yet with great resolution. Vision good. 
Aimed at passive. No subsequent result.


7th.


A;. good, starry effect concentrating into a brilliant moonlight 
in E's body.

10th.


A;. poor -- am really worn out. Asked for exceptional vigour and 
courage and health in N.Y. so as to get my business through. 
Granted -- did all business but the Kangchen scheme in 1 day. Most 
amply granted. Bar the one day's fever, on a Sunday when in no 
case could I work, I was boiling over with energy the whole time.


11th.


A;. better -- much reverie. Vision nt acute.


12th.


A;. not bad. An attempt to `rise on planes' (;fe of ;ae) spoilt by 
fatigue.


13th.


Purposely rapid. Yet restful.


14th.


A;. sleepy (I am by no means recovered from the fatigues of this 
damned journey).



18th.


A;. The usual thing -- I forget all about it till late; or at 
least put it off. A man cannot serve two masters. I began A;. then 
deliberately stopped, as it was a farce. I appoint Sunday from 
waking to sleeping as a day of fast and penance from waking to 
sleeping. (Should I sleep in the day this to conclude penance). 
Unable -- and unwilling -- to sleep, recommenced A;.


Osorronophris = Asar Un -- nefer. And I never saw it till now. 
This should be a key to all. Paphro? Papur -- papyrus. Un = opener 
nefer? gates path etc. A;. elaborate and really not bad.


19th.


A most oppresive day. A;. gabbled. My throat ached;r and I was 
just out of a sodden sleep. Thermometer over 96;de. I got a go of 
heat-exhaustion, which nearly prostrated me. Luckily a smart 
diarrhoea relieved me. But no ;ve of course.


20th.


A;. a shade better -- am still pretty ill. The penance and fast 
may be moderated if I feel worse for want of food &c. (I carried 
it out faithfully)


21st.


Very tired, very determined, not altogether bad subjectively; but 
no voice or vision.


22nd.


Reading the Hashish-eater, a wonderful book. Sleeping, I got a 
mild hashish dream!


23rd.


A;. at first disturbed -- with resolution better. Vision somewhat, 
but confused with hashish distortion. That book is clearly 
bewitched.




28th.


A;. got through after an incredible struggle of 11/2 hours. Mostly 
sleep. Weather close and trying under the Newfoundland banks.


30th.


Behaved more as an Agnostic than a Mystic in conversation; not as 
a blind. This means I am;r more an A. than an M. True, the 
coversation did not reach the constructive point. Should it ever 
do so, what shall I do?


***Note Important***


A;. very good indeed. Renewed the terrible vows of this 
initiation, and was rewarded by the touch of ;hbrp;r to ;hbrp;r O 
Self-glittering One, be ever with me! Amen.


31st.


A;. better than ever yet. Vision quite perfect and I tasted the 
sweet kiss and gazed in the clear eyes of that radiant one. My own 
face (I am sure by the feel of the skin) became luminous.


June 1st.


A;. good but interfered with by fatigue. Used much resolution.


2nd.


Arrived Liverpool. Heard of Baby's death by letters from Mother 
and Uncle Tom. Why did nobody cable me? Arrived London, perfectly 
stunned.


***NOTE Important***


A;. appropriate in tone, though of course mechanical. I solemnly 
reaffirmed the O;.***NOTE ath*** of my O;.***NOTE blig*** to 
perform the O;.***NOTE peration*** offering under these terrible 
circumstances, all that yet remains. Fortunately X I am quite 
unable to think of the thing in detail or as a reality. X December 
31st. Not fortunately at all. One never;r gets able to do so. 
Stupor and pangs get to the limit and that limit is easy reached 
by very partial conceptions of one's loss.


3rd.


***NOTE***


??? ;ve regarded as on the Tree of Life, including all symbols. 
Equally expert as the averse ;me but no matter; I have lived 
through the day. A;. a sad mechanic exercise.


4th.


A;. no good; but an idea to ask R. definitely: Will you come and 
go a G.R. with me now or will you not? Write accordingly to A.


5th.


Practically broke down playing billiards. Have drugged myself. A 
pretty good fight I think. Will go to sleep meditating A;. Lucky 
Ivor was with me.


6th.


Tristan and Isolde -- a failure, either Wagner is a shit or myself 
dulled beyond waking. I slept right through Overture -- Act II 
!!!!!!!


Did A;. feebly in streets.


7th.


Went to Plymouth by 6.30. Arrived 12.5. Did A;. in train. A shade 
better; and more acquiescence or survival or transcendence -- 
whichever name you prefer.


8th.


Joined R. on S.S. Himalaya. As I supposed I broke down a good 
deal. Am really too ill to do a regular A;.I;.


9th.


Still breaking down at intervals, and staggerig from nervous 
weakness. Dropping off to sleep at odd times and places.


10th.


R. wants to W;. with me: but her nervous state is bad and 
unreliable so she contradicts.


Vain attempts, interrupted by invincible sleep, to do A;.I;.


11th.


Still frightfully ill -- sleep and nightmares. A;.I;. again 
conquered by these though I did my very utmost.


12th.


A shade better. A;. I;. in turker not bad considering.


13th.


A;. jutile.


14th.


A;. a shade better.


***NOTE 15th.***


16th.


Went to sleep during A;. Am still very ill with throat.



21st.


A;. poor again. There seems little intention;r; perhaps owing to 
my fears about health and the general uncertainty.

23rd.


V;. N;. 7=4 arrived. Talking over the whole A;. situation. Talking 
over the whole A;. situation.


24th.


Continuing A;. discussion, all night. Agreed on that I am to go 
for my G.R. in some comparatively near spot, within reach of 
telegraph summons.


25th.


Asleep all day, after the strai of Jones' visit. Went to sleep 
trying to do A;.


26th.


***NOTE I A F (17) IAO***


July 6th.


My throat and head still utterly bad -- with this a| R. no work 
for these days.

8th.


Unto thee Adon-ai do I commit my way. Unto thee the Augoeides, 
unto thee the Self-glittering one. I put my trust in the power 
that hath devised me as I am for the achieving of a purpose; the 
Next Step. A;. rather bad, but done. Being in bed has cured the 
eternal headache and the throat is much better.


9th.


Operation performed with little pain. My display of cowardice may 
be partly excused by my general nervous break-down, I hope. A;. at 
night, a shade better. Some slight vision.

11th.


A long talk with Jenner-Fust, who, as I supposed, is a mystic of 
very much my own type. A;. rather reveresque.


12th.


Wrote on Eleusis essay and a little verse, possibly suitable for 
Rosa coeli. Throat very bad. A;. futile.


13th.


A;. better (in A.M.)


The only time I get for thought is just the goig to sleep and 
waking. Then I can muse. The English for which is: no more nights 
in bed with other people.


22nd week of A;. ends. There ought to be a new current tomorrow.


14th.


***NOTE Important a new method***


Avoided;r invoking A;. who might instruct me in Vision after 22 
weeks. I am in serious trouble. Place, Method, Time, etc. A 
wakeful night followed by profound and dreamless sleep. (I had 
spent much thought on A;.)


17th.


This thinking seems little or no good: but the fault is that the 
real Crowley is actually not thinking of A;. When he is, the 
invocation was unnecessary; when he isn't, its' feeble. What am;r 
I to do? (Should suggest sticking to it)


Jones, coming on wednesday, agrees Ritual is a help if so.


***NOTE 18 19 20***


22nd.


Wrote Introduction to Bahg -- an essay on Sufism &c.


Thoughts of A;.


Remarkable experiment with hashish. I took some five grais, and 
smoked a little ganja. I was drinking a good deal of port, too. 
Anyway, I went dizzy; but got to bed and slept it off. Think I was 
on the brink of hallucination. I was describing effects (as in 
books) to my Nurse and offered her a fraction of a grain on a 
match, so that she could get the aromatic taste. My remarks were 
most vivid. At the expected time (supposing she had taken a 
quantity) she began to suffer all sorts of symtoms, alleged loss 
of memory and reason. Quick pulse (160) low temperature (97.8) 
dull heavy feeling following momentary excitement, pupils dilated 
(not contracted) She remarked on tasting it that she thought it 
was Belladonna. No thirst, no suspicion, no actual hallucinations; 
in short, all the wrong systoms. (To be continued)


23rd.


About 2 o'clock she began to turn the corner. Wrote a mystic poem 
of profound obscurity called Abjad-i-aI'ain and did some revision.


Turning to A;. was turning to sleep, as too often happens.


26th.


Went down to stay with G.H.F;. D.D.S.


***NOTE 7=4***


27th.


***NOTE Important


I, Perdurabo, a member of the C;.C;. do hereby solemnly obligate 
myself &c to lead a p;. and unselfish life; and will entirely 
devote myself to raise &c. myself to the K;. of my higher and 
d;.G;. that I shall be Him. In witness of which I I;. the ***NOTE 
9th.*** A;. ;hebavh;r to give me a proof of his existence.


Complete and perfectvisualizatio of C;. as p;. on ``The low dark 
hill, the storm, the star''. But the ***art*** of the Camel open 
and a ray therein; [...] a certain vision of A;. remembered only 
as a glory now attainable.


***NOTE***


29th.


Sunday night. D.D.S. and P. discuss a new O;. D.D.S. wants 
Authority.


I should write and say ``Perfect the lightning-conductor and the 
flash will come''. 


Dec.31. Very true; but there need not be hesitatio any more.


30th.


Returned to London. No more definite A;. driven from 12 to 12.


August 3rd.


Left for Eastbourne.


4th.


About to try the experiment of daily Aspiration in the P;.***NOTE 
osition*** of the 5;de =6;de O;.


Did this 22 minutes with I;. It needed D.D.S. but the Eli Eli 
feeling is perhaps induced and this is good.


I made + on my B;. with ;ma ad also O on my H;.ead. Scire. The vow 
of Poverty is to esteem nothing, to value nothing save A;.


***NOTE***  The vow of Chastity is to use the M;. force for no 
purpose but I;. of A;.


Velle. The vow of Obedience is to concentrate the W;. on A;. 
alone.


Tacere. The vow of Silence; to regulate the whole organism so that 
so vast a miracle as ***art*** excites therein no commotion. N.B. 
To look expectantly always, as if He would instantly appear.


5th.


***NOTE***


My Revelations book The Arcanum in the Adytum ***art*** or the 
Secret of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, being a commentary upon the 
***NOTE*** Apocaclypse. On the cover ``The Secret of Jesus''


10th.


5=6 Pos. With ;ma to O and A renewing vows. 28 minutes.


Got the Threshold -- the awful doubt whether one shouldn't walk 
away and thrwo up the whole thing -- presented first as a 
temptation, then as a doubt. Wherefore the cry ***NOTE*** `Eli Eh' 
But no further save for a sense as of dew distilling from the Eye 
i the Triangle by the Ray.


14th.


Am still very much below par. Not that I feel bad; but I sleep 
absurdly after massage.


``Armageddon''. the final conflict -- mysticism and health. Where 
the rationalist argument breaks down; necessary for it to prove 
that Samadhi is a diseased process. Low phenomena of ( [...] ) 
light, soud etc. not at all true mystic powers -- they are the 
spermatomhoea of the mystic Yod. This is a separate essay -- not 
my commentary on Revelation. ``Space''. As an illusion


(1) it is a function of Time. Discuss the Chinese `Li' and draw 
largely on my experience.


(2) (?who) States this can never be eliminated from consciousness. 
Answer: the civilized man's thought rarely includes so crude a 
conception. Abstract ideas are incompatible with a belief in 
space.


(3) Refer to and amplify Kant's proof


(4) Effect of Hashish (quote Ludlow) (5) What does Samadhi say?


My comment on Apocalypse.


(1) The Qabalah and the Bible; a preliminary essay, justifying my 
whole position. Christ on Quabalist ``He that is able to receive 
it, let him receive it!'' Quabalah spiritual; removes Bible from 
silly rationalistic criticism e.g. 3 maji or King 3. No odds; it's 
the 3;r that matters.


(2) The correspondences with table. Their use in interpretation. 
The Golden Rule ``The most spiritual meaning the right one'' so 
that even if John wrote of Nero and Rome, you turn his dross into 
gold. Alchemical side-issues: the symbols of the Asch Metzareph.


(3) The Commentary.


(4) Appendix -- the co nection with Daniel (or this can go i with 
2)


***NOTE***


Note on Q symbolism of ***art*** Thieves (&) &c. Paroketh.


18th.


Came back to Eastbourne. Reobligated ***art*** though ill.


September 1.


Reobligated by O and + head and breast.



21st.


End of 32 weeks -- 8 months -- 224 days of A;. thought. Did a 
little I;. Enquiring how to I;. the A;. got the instat reply 
OFTEN;r -- and only saw later that this was the same old order as 
before. Which confirms it; discard methods rituals &c. (and their 
[...] ontradictories) but do it Often.


***NOTE***


( [...] ) represents Hashish, I suppose) Hence great poetical idea 
(First for years) A son commits suicide in his mother's presence 
as the most cruel punishment he can devise. To avoid [...] he must 
be wicked; but no wicked man ever killed himself yet. --  -- ?


Hashish vision. Wonderful but very unstable landscapes, soft 
green, purple and blue. Blaze effects of all sorts and a 
frequently coming -- and -- going -- altered figure of A;. One 
seems however detached, e.g. the chameleon -- jewelled motor -- 
cars which kept on running through me didn't hurt. Further, the 
proportions of space and time were not disturbed. Though the 
visions were thus varied and pleasant they were not at all 
exciting. I chose to consider them as terrestrial landscape-faced 
demons &c. for the A;. seemed to alternate.


22nd.


Jones at Coulsdon.


Celebration ;su in ;li 


Quintessialized O -O ***NOTE*** 


23rd.


Jones still at Coulsdon. We celebrate the return of ;su to ;li


24th.


Began to celebrate ;su in ;ar ***NOTE*** 


30th.


Concluded the draft of ;su in ;ar by ;me


Oct. 9th.


Tested new R. and behold it was v.g. thanked hods and sacrificed 
for Lola


***NOTE***


Hashish 10. p.m. acting -- taken at 8. Many very strange 
***NOTE*** illusions of sight, sense of proportion, locality, 
illusions of muscular distortion, the pen actually writing good 
***NOTE*** legible English, but appearing to do so only as a  
***NOTE*** of two ***NOTE*** counterpoises. (Hours to write that 
sentence -- and this) None of the illusions seriously interfere 
with small fine coordinated movements. I think of a word and 
forget it before I can write it down. This happens by lapses: a 
question of attention held and released.


10th.


I am still drunk with Samadhi all day. ***NOTE*** Curious 
observation S.D. looks like a symbol Curious feeling that one has 
a foriegn body in one's mouth. Enough, these are all dog-faced 
demons. I will;r see Adonai. 


Bus!


(Must tell Jones he can never;r get the [...] because only th 
thing he can't baish is the highest)


S.D. is;r A. This from fancied personal resemblances. Fear of 
fascination by drug. Extraordinary fits of laughter. Every thought 
(each is a definete symbolic picture) is instantly followed by a 
criticism (also pictured) Sometimes the criticism is so severe 
that it becomes a primary thought -- hence inattention. When a 
thought is weak or unbalanced, the curret of thought is changed. 
Hence strong thoughts are wanted.


***NOTE***


I~ morning. Memory very good. Remember striking realization of 
ureality of things in room &c. Remember how very close to Samadhi 
the ritual brought me: perhaps even the control of the drug that 
arose and forced me to bed, plus my fear of the`shock of R's 
anticipated coming up to bed, operated to stop me. For in the 
``Thanks-giving and sacrifice for S.D.'' I did;r get rid of 
everything but the Holy Exalted One, and must have held Him for a 
minute ***NOTE*** or two. I did. I am sure I did. I expected Rose 
to see a Halo round my head. ***NOTE***


But the hashish enthusiasm surged up against the ritual-
enthusiasm; so I hardly know which phenomena to attribute to 
which.


Noticed at the time that S.D. made A;. enthusiasm possible; was ;. 
good. Yet I would not pray for one more Kiss having already had my 
deserts. The more I think of it the more I am sure that I got into 
Samadhi. (somehow) not like a human at all.


11th.


At night transcribed fair the N ***NOTE*** R of the M of I with 
much labout and affliction of spirit. To bed with thoughts of A;. 
A curious persistent vision of blue and ***NOTE*** also white line 
below line of sight -- shaped thus.


12th.


Still a bit nearer reality as regards time. The Omens were -- a 
dead rat, 66, an Vestal Virgin, an old mean violent woman of all 
evil, an officer and a gentleman, a virgin become a beautiful 
woman. Th} whole bathed in an ecstasy of IAO and Aphrodite.


Did some prayer and fasting but not enough.


13th.


Went to 106, St. Mary's Mansions, Paddington. Curious effect of 
the Gross-Currents. Cash, Love, Samadhi -- things have really lost 
their value -- I get what Blavatzky describes in Voice of the 
Silence as not quite disgust.


14th.


Certain Samadhi effects linger -- the unreality of things and 
one's own sense of success &c.


16th.


Unpacking. Samadhi nearly, yet ot quite, worn off. At work very 
hard all day.


20th.


To Mistley.


About Samadhi I told D.D.S. who thinks Hashish had nothing about 
the Truth to do with the Samadhi, though possibly useful as a 
starter. I feel as if something were going to happen. -- Just as I 
began to enflame myself in praying, a thing snapped in my brain, 
jarring it, as if a bowstring, 1/4 drawn, slipped from the 
fingers. Sense of physical relief -- a `clearing' of the brain -- 
and also of occult discharge. I couldn't get backand soon slept.


21st.


A somewhat disappointing day, nearly all the talk beng talked. 
Alao I am still `polarized' a good deal; my indifference 
``Titiksha'' X is pronounced, I am truly indifferent even to L. X 
? Vairagya.


23rd.


Wrote history praelection and re [...] Sick with lack of Lola -- a 
still pool of clear water in which L.V.X. ***art*** is reflected..


24th.


Did a small I;. Result very near success. Was too sleepy.


31st.


9.30. Took a smaller dose of Ha than before. Smoking Hashish 
cigarettes. Incense &c. as before. Must work known dosage.


***NOTE***


Wrote a long letter to A. or rather V.H.S. F;.


10.25. Before inviking I feel some sort of effect introspection 
developed. Time sense shaken; blanks in thought; feeling of 
fullness back of neck etc. etc. All very slight -- only the 
***NOTE*** story introspection shws them. Inv. nearly twice -- 
terrible agony. Barbarous names. Supreme test, for a man who is 
really;r praying. Cannot bring himself to say a ridiculous thing 
to his God, even on the latter's mandate.


I shall go and recite Greenland's &c -- If with faith Samadhi. 
Time after time I feel the sickening pangs of dissolution; 
physically I nearly faint; but I don't get over the bar. I am very 
sick and retire in disorder pursued by dog-gaced demons of all 
kinds. Once again I nearly got there -- all went brilliance -- but 
not quite. I had too much drug and too little invocation. I 
completely forgot L. thanksgiving altogether.


the real meaning of `Change not barbarous names &c' is the one 
thing good out of all this.


There is nothing but d -- f. ds after I get to bed; but there is 
always the consciousness behind thoughts. Thus when the conc. 
realizes that `I am apart from my thoughts' that thought itself is 
pictorially shewn as a thought. Thus the Bhagavad Cita I am all ad 
in all, yet a part from all -- I who am all, and made it all, 
abide its separate Lord. This consciousness is the real Self in 
all probability; it would never touble to command its thoughts, 
for all are alike to it.


The spine should be vertical, as the Hindus justly say.


Novr. 1st.


Observe that the H. took just an hour to get in its deadly work.


4th.


D.F.Ds. all day. Fuller Jones O E. Sunny Jim. Descent into Hell -- 
In the Power of the Dweller -- obsession by a [...] left by Fuller 
(& Jones) called ***NOTE*** Retun with great difficulty -- awful 
pangs -- Eli Eli &c. N.B. I got back to very near Samadhi in the 
end.


5th.


Worked out Abr. Lamen.


13th.


Wrote to SirAgamya Guru Paramahansa ``If you are the one I seek, 
this will suffice -- name and address''. He replies: ``Ask your 
own intelligence''. I out his sig ;sa -- found in ;fi of the ;st 
In Earth of lesser angle ;ca ;sa ;su = 268. ;ca is perhaps myself 
418. Symbol of whole scheme I;. ;hbravh;r Qw ;ta Very good. I 
reply ``My question concerned myself. Your answer emboldens me to 
ask for an interview. I need hardly add that in such a matter all 
days and hours are alike to me.'' He answers ``Come ;lu noon''


14th.


Answer from A.G.P. Invoked for symbols. Again got into the Samadhi 
proximity state, as it were, without trouble.


18th.


The 8th anniversary of my ***art*** birth.


19th.


Shri A.G.P. 12.0. Saw A.G.P. Good impression after leaving, 
stronger than at time.


21st.


Saw again A.G.P. He prescribed (1) Devotion (2) Mystery (3) 
Omnibenevolence associated in a practice to which the River Jordan 
Water-line was complex and difficult.. He has ***NOTE*** attained 
a high grade, but has no ***NOTE*** concerning men. He thinks of 
all the world as either inside or outside his little fold, and 
sheep or goat according. Which is unusual folly for such an 
illuminated bugger. Another lesson not to attribute objective 
value to one's Samadhi results.


23rd


(Began the three gunas)


Decr. 2nd.


Went to ``business meeting'' of Sir Agamya &c. His whole plan 
perfectly ridiculous; a fine object-lesson in what to avoid.


7th.


Jones writes from the Samadhi-dhatu ??? 


10th.


Jones came up and we dined. Jones says ;grkou mh;r is 8-3 I say 
Mollie Lee rhymes with both. This purifices and consecrates me, so 
that I feel ``I am the master'' quite genuine -- without scruple 
or diffidence. No personality.


11th.


Back to Bournenouth. Jones' amazing third letter.


X


13th.


Mackie arrived from Hordle. Discoursing to Mackie, sounds of 
astral rubbed glass (mostly right ear.


15th.


Began Table of Correspondences and did two hours work at it.


16th.


21/2 hours of T. of C. in A.M. 3 in P.M.


17th.


21/2 hours Table of Correspondences. Mostly reading Beth Elohim.


18th.


3 Hours. T. of C. Wrote ;hbrTMA;r


19th.


T. of C. became chronic.


25th.


At work all day and night on table. But the important thing is the 
readig of Amath, and the discussion (to be reproduced as a 
dialogue ??? la Berkeley) of it. Jones took the 10 = 1 view and we 
ran up and down the tree like bloody spqirrels deciding on A.C. 
trying Truth in the Witness -- Box sense as a formula ``I = Thou'' 
and of course to avoid fear. Be careful not to mix up this formula 
with morality;r which is 00 as before.


26th.


More table till Jones broke down. This Truth game 320 days (32 
paths X 10 Sephiroth) Sice I wrote ``Ruach breaking through into 
Neschamah.''


27th.


Back to Town. Broke down myself.


Appear to have got into the Fruit of which Jone's ``hail! All 
Hail!'' was the Blossom. In short, recognizig that ??? I am He;r 
in the same way that I recognize ``Snow is white'' -- not arguing 
it, nor announcing it triumphantly. I acted on that basis without 
self-consciousness, and wrote various letters.


Later; viz, at 6.0. p.m. O took a very small dose of`Hashish -- 
say 11/2 ??? -- 2 gr. on a by no means empty stomach.


The introspection seems awakened at once; owing, maybe, to 
expectation.


Use all means to invoke A;. (possibly even masturbation -- if such 
an act is physically possible ??? -- as a means).


7.0 -8.15. There is no link to bid together the thoughts ??? ( of 
the second order -- ( [...] thoughts) -- );r since they are only 
like letters of words not (apparently) interconnected. (Usual 
phenomena) With practice this game could be made useful ??? ( e.g. 
to work out a pyschological system;r ). Each battery goes through 
a whole battery of critics; it is `analysed' ( in time, I was 
thinking of Well's analysed sounds in the New Accelerator;r )


Also there seems several main individuals or strata of thought ( 
??? delusion of triple personality &c.) They have ( or may have;r 
?) different time-rates.


( One sees at it were an officer running forward to reform a shake 
set of thoughts, or to order new evolutions;r )


8.15. I went to bed about now and tried hard to masturbate, 
without success. The first time I failed from fear; the second 
time I know not why; the third time I was under the delusion that 
I had come.


***NOTE***


The `millions of worlds' game -- the peacock multiform with each 
`eye' of its fan a mirror of glory wherei also another peacock -- 
everythig thus.


( Here consciousness has o longer any knowledge of normal 
impression. Each thought is itself visualized as a World-Peacock -
- such seems to me the iterpretation of above;r ) ??? 1.20. A.M. 
Head still buzzing; wrote above. Samadhi is;r Hashish, an ye will; 
but Hashish is not Samadhi (It's a low form this Atmadashana) (I 
don't, ad didn't;r, quite understand this. I think it means that 
only an Adept can use Hashish to excite Samadhi; or else that 
Hashish is the evil and averse S.) The Introspection Pnenomena ??? 
***NOTE*** This is like the letter A in the word or idea `cat' 


The Picture-Ideas ( ??? thoughts) ***art*** Converging to form a 
`a' and so on. This disconnected second rank are very numerous. 
There are many raks of thought (are these the Sephiroth?) The 
cosciousness moves backwards and forwards, outwards and inwards. 
Each rank is of course observed by the one next to it inwards, or 
else by the Analyser. There's a `Intelligence' (among the 
Hierarchies of me) who suddenly draws lines round groups of second 
rank ideas and labels them `candle' ??? &c. front rank men, 
getting them off as a whole.


( Just as I might make an A of dots, scratches, &c and when 
finished fling it forth a visible `A';r) Others too have other 
functions -- there's a whole crowd of us all organized.


What puzzles is the vast number of thoughts required to make oe 
physical thought. Bound to believe in simplicity behind. ??? Why? 
Mathematical truths are absurd; they belong to the unanalysed 
brai, for one thing: and, for another, they represent relations 
between units of that row -- no more. Thus the Universal Peacock 
is One.


(I prefer a different view. The [...] ??? thoughts not nearer but 
further than the physical; not radiatig from the Ego, but 
converging upon it. This is an argument against Hashish,, and does 
not suggest that further progress would bring one to a higher 
rank. The various individuals are on this view rather arch-
demons.);r -- A good deal this on introspection. 


Oh for a memery -- in flesh to tell people about this; in spirit 
to bid together and organize the analysed thoughts, so that one's 
consciousness should normally obserne the second rank crowd. This 
is (would be;r) constant ecstasy, but the actions of the man 
(owuld;r) go on as usual, and it is oly a certa instinct in one's 
hearer if they perceive that oe is ot oeself. This time no 
sickness -- slight physical drunkenness -- very slight. Must tuy 
in presence of Jones and Fuller with Jewell concealed to take 
notes. The earlier very rapid things all escape record. It is 1.40 
A.M. I am practically sober.


8.30 A.M. Introspection still quickened.


9.45 A.M. One has only to think hard to get back to the World of 
Thoughts.


N.B. The dose was a shade too large -- not much. There was no 
sense of being overpowered.


Began ;hbrTMA;r formula. It was an awful pang to reply ``The 
Flapper'' to ``Who is Lola?'' and really very difficult to do it 
without using a tone of voice of a lying nature. Got a sort of 
vision of the Gate of 10 = 1 [...] ??? Self as a mage in his 
circle breaking it down and the universe rushing in  -- all the 
lions and dragons symbols and vanishing as they came.


28th.


Beginning to see possibilities of scheme (i.e. Truth Scheme) 

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