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Anonymous
June 16 - The Los Angeles Dodgers received some bad news on Friday when lab results revealed that right fielder JD Drew is, in fact, a pansy. After complaining of recurring aches and pains over the past few weeks, the Dodgers sent Drew to St. Louis to visit with specialist Dr. John Yeats. After undergoing a series of tests, the Dodgers were informed that Drew shares DNA with the plant species Viola, more commonly known as the pansy, which is likely to blame for his highly sporadic playing time this season. He was referred to grounds crew staff in Los Angeles for treatment.
Dodgers manager Grady Little expressed surprise at the test results, but also indicated that the team was happy to finally know the cause of the talented, but oft-inured Drew's constant need for extra days off. "Initially it was a shock," said Little. "There didn't seem to be anything physically wrong, but he wasn't able to play every day. So we got him looked at and it turns out he's just a pansy." Although Drew is not expected to miss any extended time in the near future, he will likely continue to be given consecutive days off until team gardeners decide on an appropriate treatment.
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