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Anonymous
The result of a drunken, passionate night between the Flying Spaghetti Monster and the Invisible Pink Unicorn, the Almighty Kevin Kolb was abandoned after a, somehow, virgin birth and left on his own in Russia. Raised until the age of two and three-quarters by a mongoose, Kevin was found by poor Russian turnip farmers.

He demonstrated an inherent skill for throwing at an early age. On his fourth birthday, Joseph Stalin rose from his grave and terrorized the farm, burning crops and raping chickens. Thinking on his feet (a skill he continued to develop in his quest for quarterbacking supremacy), Kevin grabbed a pebble and threw it 70 yards, piercing Stalin's skull and sending him back to hell with Satan and Anna Nicole Smith.

Practicing his skills daily by tossing the family cows 180 yards, Kevin Kolb hoped to make it big in football. In his teenage years, Kolb played on his local pee-wee team, the Moscow Communists. Russia isn't known much for its team names or much of anything to put it frankly. The realization that Russia was no place for NFL talent came to him when he got fed up with playing both sides of the ball for both teams playing. Discovering that no one in Europe carried about NFL Europe, including the coaches and players on the teams, Kevin decided his only hope was to travel to America.

At this point, Kevin's mutant power of teleportation surfaced. Teleporting to New York City, Kevin's arrival was witnessed by a bystander who came up with the idea for a buddy comic book series containing a superhero with teleportation. Stan Lee quickly stole this idea, morphing the character into Nightcrawler, and reaped the benefits. However, Kolb's character's buddy, the Quadraplegic Flash, never caught on.
>> Anonymous
Hoping to teleport to Nebraska to join their football program, Kevin accidentally arrived in the middle of the University of Houston campus. He had to make do there. After a highly successful college career, many felt as if Kevin earned the right of being the top overall draft pick. However, his Russian heritage and addiction to Futurama scared many teams off until one man decided to take a stand against this injustice. A man that looked like a bloated, pregnant walrus and had two idiot sons, but a man nonetheless. The wise Andy Reid, a former Russian soldier who witnesses the miracles of Kevin, realized that this kid with the magic arm was not merely the quarterback of the future, but a deity reincarnated. Although Donovan McNabb demanded a playmaker, Reid told McNabb to shove it and drafted this godly figure (later scientific studies show that Reid was pissed at McNabb for stealing one of his cheesesteaks). A new era of football began that day.

The Almighty Kevin Kolb is calling you. Will you answer this call? (Also, he would appreciate it if you picked up the charges for the call.)

Kolb started as a true freshmen.

In 2006, Kolb threw 30 TDs to 4 interceptions while leading the Cougars to a 10-6 record and a Conference USA championship. He was his conference's offensive MVP.

Listed below are various awards he won.

* 2006 C-USA Preseason Player-of-the-Year (The Sporting News)
* 2005 Third Team All-Conference USA
* 2003 C-USA Freshman-of-the-Year
* 2003 Third Team All-Conference USA
* 2003 C-USA All-Freshman Team
* 2003 The Sporting News, Third-Team, Freshman All-America
* 2003 Rivals.com Honorable Mention, All-America
* 2003 Freshman of the Year, CollegeFootballNews.com
* C-USA Co-Offensive Player-of-the-Week (Oct. 27, 2003)
* C-USA Offensive Player-of-the-Week (Sept. 22, 2003
>> Anonymous
Now brothers, please rise and join me in the Kolb's Prayer:

Our Kolb, who art in Philly,
Hallowed be thy Game.
Thy promised land come.
Thy championship be done,
In Philly as it is in San Fran.
Give us this week our weekly victory.
And forgive us our boos,
As we forgive those who boo against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from the Cowboys.
[For thine is the gridiron,
and the quarterback, and the glory,
for ever and ever.
Amen.]