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Anonymous
OP, here to help. Go to Bermuda (Yes, yes, I know...just play along with my story because it's not long and there is a lesson to be learned), drink a lot of water, then go out for a swim with a knife tied to your leg, because there are sharks in Bermuda. OK, start rubbing your crotch once you're out far enough that you can't see the bottom of the ocean floor and the island is a barely visible speck on the horizon. You will probably be very tired as well, because this is the most exercise you've done in your entire miserable existence, but start jacking off in the salt water because you're pumped and ready to become a new man. Once you're pretty amped, pull at your knife and draw a few claw marks on your hands like the ones Wolverine has. The sharks will be there shortly (if they are not already there). Don't panic, just take your knife, look at it like you will never see it again, then throw it as hard as you fucking can toward the horizon line. Swim back, and as the sharks viciously attempt to rend the flesh from your bone, take your fucked-up bloody stump hands and thwack them against your assailants while keeping your penis as erect as possible. There will be so much adrenaline in your blood stream you could probably rip a live sand shark in half and play a puppet show with the halves as you make your way back to the island. Hope this helps!
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