File :-(, x, )
Anonymous
/fit/

I want to fight a bear. How should I train for this?

I want to use some hand to hand weapons to take the fucker out. I'll be going for a grizzly. I was thinking 2 14" buck knives, 2 hachets, a spear, and a two handed axe.

Also a few pieces of leather for protection, and maybe some Kevlar. I'll use either a bow or a 9mm to pull the bear. I'll be on Meth, and coke out my ass so i don't feel a thing if it hits me. I'll also have morphine in the car if I survive for pain relief, as well as some gauze and alcohol.

I feel like an emo bitch, and want to die. So i thought I might as well try killing a bear. I lose, i get what I wanted. i win, I don't have a reason to want to die.

What should I do to train for this fight physically? And where do I find a bear?
>> Anonymous
>pull the bear
RL = WoW?
>> Anonymous
If you are training for it, you obviously don't really want to die that badly.

Fag
>> Anonymous
damn, that's pretty fucking extreme

you know the drill though, SQUATZ, deadlifts, bench press, you might as well take a fuckload of steroids too since you're gonna be taking a bunch of drugs anyways
>> Anonymous
>>312207
don't discourage him
>> Anonymous
unless your planning on killing a juvenile grizzly, no amount of working out or hand weapons would help you. They are far stronger than even the strongest humans, not only because they have more mass, but their muscle is denser so they are stronger pound for pound as well. It wouldn't matter if you were coked up and couldn't feel anything, once that fucker knocks you down and tears your throat out, your dead.
>> Anonymous
wear a suit made of black boxes
>> Anonymous
make sure you get someone to videotape the whole thing, else it's pointless.

there's no way you're gonna overpower the thing so do some research on their weak spots / pressure points / where their tendons are. aim the hatchet there.
>> Anonymous
Use this training video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOpKFPEah3E
>> Anonymous
I recon you are ready, cover make yourself a steak helmet and go for it
>> Anonymous
>>312238
didnt Roman gladiators get paid to kill these fuckers with hand-to-hand weapons?
>> Anonymous
>>312253

No, BUT I DID!
>> Anonymous
Ah, this reminds me of a story from long ago, somewhere around the year of 1984 if I am correct...

Well, anyways, there was this fella traveling around the bars of NE Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Louisiana, and various other states that had a declawed bear that was somewhat young. What he would do is proposition that people could try to wrestle the bear for a sum and would win a jackpot if they could beat the bear, and I happen to have heard stories of a few people at an old local bar called the Wooden Indian who had in fact took up the offer and were in fact beaten. I knew the sons and daughter of one of the men, crazy fucker.
>> Anonymous
On meth, I think you can do it. Just make sure you do a high dose. I've seen a person tear off a gate and fling it 20 feet. I'd say catch the bastard off guard and slice its fucking head off.
>> Anonymous
>>312253

Don't know but the bear will only need one good hit to incapacitate and kill a person while a sword or spear is going to take a few swings at least. I'm sure it's possible for a a great fearless fighter with a sword, spear, or blunt weapon to kill a bear but probably not reliably. Even if you could put a meter of steel into it you aren't getting it back out before the bear rips you apart. I really don't think a man could cut a bears head off or cut through it's skull, maybe a blunt weapon to the head would knock it out.
>> Anonymous
>>312295
Meth will make you a great fearless fighter.
>> Anonymous
>>312192
OMFG!! I hope your not trolling. This is my exact goal. then round two will be shamu.
>> Wow. Anonymous
>>312192

I skip visiting /fit/ for 3 days, and this is what I find.

You guys went from "HURR I WANNA GAIN MUSCLE DURR" to "HURR IMA KILL ME A BEAR WUT DO I DO DURR"

Talk about progress.
>> Anonymous
Wait? What? ...
>> Anonymous
>>312192

dude, you should use a pet to pull- even a noob knows this. throw your cat at him, then when he charges make sure you cast fear, then initiate sexual contact.
>> Anonymous
No. No. No. I know exactly the melee weapon you need. It's been making the rounds in /k/ for awhile and it's speculated that it might be illegal soon. It was made to kill sharks.

You need a WASP Knife.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sa_NC-_fvKs

Stab it into the Bear's eye, brain, or throat and fire off the canister. Shit fires off a blast of nitrogen that expands to the size of a basketball and freezes the insides. Once again, it's used to kill sharks I'm pretty sure it would kill a bear.
>> Anonymous
     File :-(, x)
>>312192
You ever fought a grizz?? Eeeeeh heeh heeh heeh!
>> Anonymous
>>312426

I hope that video doesn't do it justice, because that was really dissatisfying.
>> Anonymous
>>312462
Real men just sharpen the end of a shotgun.
>> Anonymous
This is pasta, I remember seeing it on /r9k/ or /b/ a couple of months ago. Still, it's fucking awesome.
>> Anonymous
>>312465
Real men just sharpen the stump where their hand was previously torn off before.
>> Anonymous
>>312469
Real men have claymores for hands.
>> Anonymous
Just learn some krotty!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3_SL6yM6Ww
>> Anonymous
>>312471
Touché
>> Anonymous
Run downhill, bears cant do that and thats ur chance!
>> Anonymous
>>312471

Real claymores have hands for men.
>> Anonymous
Haven't you ever watched Manswers? You need to learn the HIKUTA punch. It will kill a bear with no problem.

Now a haiku to demonstrate its effectiveness.

Hikuta is real
If done right, no can defend
Man kill bear with hand
>> Anonymous
Watching kungu fu panda id say you would have no chance if the bear trained as you are
>> Anonymous
     File :-(, x)
You have no chance to survive make your time.
>> Anonymous
No amount of SQUATZ will help you. Have fun.
>> Anonymous
Cool way to die, however, if you wanna win then ye should wear chainmail. A spear and a sword (hold the sword alongside of the spear, once the bear gets through your spear, drop it and use the sword) is probably your best option as far as offense goes.

Just get fit enough to move freely with the chainmail on and to have enough strength to wield the spear and make powerful thrusts enough to pierce deep into the bear.

Good luck!
>> Anonymous
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q3CzYw5-qdA
>> Anonymous
Taking drugs for pain resistance is useless, you will die the first time you get hit. Only stuff that will increase your reaction time, endurance, strength and speed would be useful.
>> Anonymous
>>313007
I think you mean decrease your reaction time.
>> Anonymous
     File :-(, x)
You're doing god's work, son.
>> Anonymous
>>313007

Sure, you go and get eaten by a bear alive and see if you like it.
>> Anonymous
>I'll be on Meth, and coke out my ass so i don't feel a thing if it hits me. I'll also have morphine in the car if I survive for pain relief, as well as some gauze and alcohol.

enjoy your instant heart attack by mixing two powerful stims and an opiate with alchohol
>> Anonymous
Will you have the capacity to continue with your mission while on this high dose of meth?
>> Anonymous
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmimJto6Xsg
hit it's weak point
>> Anonymous
fighting bears is easy if you're chuck norris
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2XUgE6g7XU