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Anonymous File :-(, x)
>>741202 Concrit: It's either "get lost in another world" or "disappear into another world".
"Without abandon" - don't you mean "with abandon"?
"Yes, I could never hope for something more than a student-teacher relationship, right?" So is he sure ("yes") or unsure ("right?")? I think one word has to go.
"I see us sharing our own little house" - I'm not sure, but I think that wouldn't be the typical Japanese dream, what with the lack of space and all. And anyway, sounds kind of too domestic, low-scale for a teenage boy. I'd have expected something grander (and also weirder. Those fairy-tales of his led me to believe that he thinks like Orihime.)
"All I could think about was Sensei. Always in despair, it made my chest ache with an unfamiliar pain." Weird construction, use something like "His eternal despair made my chest..." Besides, speaking as a fellow bookworm here, the pain would totally be familiar to Jun. Only an idiot wouldn't be able to recognize lovesickness after reading an entire library. Something like "a pain I've only ever read about before" or "never experienced before" is more believable.
"Abiru is insufferably cute with her various wounds and bandages because she loves to pull tiger tails." Does Jun even know that? Besides, bad sentence. "...Wounds and bandages that her tail-pulling habit always leaves her with" or something sounds more reasonable. Anyway, Jun doesn't seem like the type to get jealous, so "insufferable" sounds too spiteful.
And generally, the tone felt way too emo to me - although it might be realistic to angst in high school, Jun strikes me as being a bit better than that. Also, you should keep the time consistent, change back to the present when the internal monologue ends. Is there even a reason for having Jun's internal monologue in the present?
"I see so much when I close my eyes." was a pretty neat bit, though, and totally in-character, too.
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