File :-(, x, )
Anonymous
Hey guys, this is an animal forum and we're animals so I'll post here.

I want to die. I don't want to become /an/ hero though. I currently take 30 mg of Lexapro. I suffer from constant anxiety and hate. I don't think I'm depressed anymore because I know how that feels and I don't feel it right now.

It's just that every day I wake up and go to sleep wishing I would die. I can't be around my family anymore because they irritate me. I can't be around my dog anymore because he mere affection seeking drives me insane.

I have a rifle in my closet and I've come close to an attempt before, I'm just afraid that I'll fuck up and not die instantly.

What do I do? I've been to psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists. I'm going to a neurologist soon... but they just don't seem to help.

/an/, what can I do?
>> Anonymous
>>216792
Well, that could be a cause for your sleeping troubles and psycho problems.
Do you have any physical problems?
Headache, feeling like your head is being pulled back, tension in neck muscles?
Problems with the spine?
Those can all be causes for depression or similar.
>> Anonymous
>>216795
Yes on headaches and tension on neck muscles. Spine? Maybe, I don't really know.

It's like I said though, I've been through depression before. Several times. I know what it's like and it's not this.
>> Anonymous
>>216795
I forgot to mention. It's not staying asleep. It's going to sleep. Once I'm asleep it's pretty easy for me to stay in that state for 12 or even 14 hours.
>> Anonymous
Well, then, you could try to see an orthopedic and have the tension and spine checked out.
>> Gastly !62l361pwAI
>>216775
Holy crap, I'm suicidal too.
small world
>> Anonymous
Tell your doctor. Now. You probably need to get on a different drug. Different drugs do different things for different people, and certain antidepressants can actually worsen certain types of depression to get you to the point you're describing.

I've been in your shoes, I know how it goes, and I struggle every single day of my life (I'm not joking, I had death fantasies at the ripe old age of four). Despite that, I've gotten to the point where I can live a life that isn't always wonderful but still gives me some share of happiness. Unlike other people, I have to work for it, but that makes whatever I do get all the sweeter.

After you switch your pills, get yourself a different therapist, or start really talking to the one you have now. Like me, you might have to see one for an extended period (I don't have to see one now). You *WILL* have to work. It doesn't magically come to you, the ability to get out of depression/stop having death fantasies. Realize what you're feeling isn't normal but that you can fix it if you work your damndest, and that what you will get out of it is worth it. Living in fear and disgust/happiness with yourself at the idea that you want to die is terrible and worse than the worst of depression.

Fact is, you *CAN* do it. You *CAN*, I'm doing it and know people who are. You have to communicate with your therapist and trust him or her. You have to talk to all your friends/family frankly and honestly about what's up. Realize not all of them will understand, and some will probably think less of you (which says something about them as people, really) but that those who do understand will be a great and necessary help. Allow yourself to rely on people. Allow yourself to go easy on yourself when you need to and lash out at yourself if that motivates you better. Basically, get in touch with the deepest part of yourself and do what you think you have to do to get better.

Good luck. I know you can do it.
>> Anonymous
>/an/, what can I do?

change. and stop being so attention hungry and blaming other people, or your dog, for your own mess.
>> Anonymous
(cont from above). Oh and never, never, ever ever kill yourself. Pick one person very close to you you can trust. When you get into a very bad way, entrust them with what you think you might be most likely to hurt yourself with. I chose my boyfriend, and every time I thought I would do something, I gave him all of my knives, scissors, box cutters, razors, and painkillers. Sometimes I'd call him so he could put me somewhere where none of those things were around if I didn't trust myself to move them. You may have to do this with your gun.

I hope this helps.

Remember, you are worth so much more life than you're allowing yourself to live right now. You can be happy, and you can get over this. I swear it.
>> Anonymous
>>216814
er, should have said cont. from>>216810
>> Anonymous
>>216814
It's not that I doubt I can be happy. It's that I don't know what it'd take.

If I have brain damage then there aren't many ways to make me happy. That's what I'm afraid of, not so much a disorder as actual damage.

I'm no danger to myself though, I just want to die. I have an appointment next week so hopefully they can help determine what's going on.
>> Anonymous
Get a reason to life? Do some charity work? A girlfriend? A pet?

If you do become an hero, atleast make sure you aren't one if those stupid teenagers trying to get the biggest body count. Try making something nice for the people who has done nice things for you as a good bye. Make it easy for your family with a letter and don't make a mess with your body so they don't have to pick pieces of your brain from the floor. Remember NOBODY will ever try to use the bathroom again if you /wrists in the tub.
>> Anonymous
seriously, while you're at least somewhat lucid now, get rid of your guns before the pinball game that is your brain gets a few balls lodged in the wrong pocket and you murder a bunch of people.
>> Anonymous
I think you should kill yourself straight away.

A rifle might be a bit hard to do the job with (there's a foot of metal between the bullet and your skull), so I suggest good old fashioned hanging.

Good luck!
>> Anonymous
>>216775

It takes at least a month before any drugs take effect, but once you're on the drugs, you will feel vague and forgetful all the time.

Try taking care of something simple, such as a plant, and moving upwards. Sure, depression won't be that easy to get out of, but the fact is, the human mind is great with responsibilities, and your ancient brain chemistry will kick into "survival of your offspring" mode once you feel affection and responsibility for whatever it is you are taking care of.
>> Little Boy
>>216775
gb2/b/
>> Anonymous
From experience I know that you may have to try a whole lot of drugs before you find something that works for you. What helps depression doesn't necessarily help with anxiety and what helps with anxiety doesn't necessarily help you sleep. I've had all of those, depression, anxiety, insomnia, most of them at the same time.

Have you tried cognitive therapy by a qualified therapist, preferrably a psychologist? Some therapy has actually made me feel worse, but I really benefited with cognitive therapy in both the depression and the anxiety. I'm still working through the original causes of that anxiety with a therapist right now, but the actual anxiety has already gone away.

If that doesn't help, well, as others have said, neurologist might find out where the problem lies. And strangely enough, a nutritionist or mineral specialist doc might help too. Sometimes odd mineral deficiencies cause weird symptoms. I used to have fits of rage due to magnesium and potassium deficiency. Weird, but true. A lot of minerals are needed to produce the right brain chemistry, so there is a sensible reason why those things matter.