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Anonymous
Tell your doctor. Now. You probably need to get on a different drug. Different drugs do different things for different people, and certain antidepressants can actually worsen certain types of depression to get you to the point you're describing.
I've been in your shoes, I know how it goes, and I struggle every single day of my life (I'm not joking, I had death fantasies at the ripe old age of four). Despite that, I've gotten to the point where I can live a life that isn't always wonderful but still gives me some share of happiness. Unlike other people, I have to work for it, but that makes whatever I do get all the sweeter.
After you switch your pills, get yourself a different therapist, or start really talking to the one you have now. Like me, you might have to see one for an extended period (I don't have to see one now). You *WILL* have to work. It doesn't magically come to you, the ability to get out of depression/stop having death fantasies. Realize what you're feeling isn't normal but that you can fix it if you work your damndest, and that what you will get out of it is worth it. Living in fear and disgust/happiness with yourself at the idea that you want to die is terrible and worse than the worst of depression.
Fact is, you *CAN* do it. You *CAN*, I'm doing it and know people who are. You have to communicate with your therapist and trust him or her. You have to talk to all your friends/family frankly and honestly about what's up. Realize not all of them will understand, and some will probably think less of you (which says something about them as people, really) but that those who do understand will be a great and necessary help. Allow yourself to rely on people. Allow yourself to go easy on yourself when you need to and lash out at yourself if that motivates you better. Basically, get in touch with the deepest part of yourself and do what you think you have to do to get better.
Good luck. I know you can do it.
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